IUI + 1 week

The hubster and I have been having a relaxing couple of days.  We're both on vacation, so it's been late morning wake ups, lots of doing whatever we feel like, and then lots of relaxing in the evening and going to bed way too late.  Only to repeat the scenario the next day.  :)

So, as far as me, I am feeling weird.  Very, very weird.  I don't know how to explain it and I am trying desperately not to read into it because the IUI was only ONE week ago, but it's really, really hard not to read in to it.  

So, to be diplomatic, I'm going to say that, at this point, I have no expectations of this cycle working or not working.  I'm hoping it will, but I know it can go either way and I'm fine with that.

Off the record, however, I will say that I am pretty confident that it did work.  I think it worked and I think it worked well.  But, again, if anyone asks I didn't ever say that.  And I will abruptly bite my tongue if there is only 1 line on Tuesday.

EDIT:  I will edit to say that I have been "pretty confident" for about 50% of the cycles thus far.  And see where that's gotten me.  :)  But still, I really am pretty confident.

When we got pregnant back in October, we only told a few people... our parents and 2 friends.  One friend lives far away and we don't get to talk to her often.  When Johnny called to let her know, he said her response was "I was hoping that was what you were going to say!"  So, this caught us a little off guard because we had been very guarded about the whole baby-process.  As far as 99% of people knew, we weren't trying at all.  Why would she be hoping for that?  So we just assumed that she had read about things on here because I comment on her blog occasionally.  Maybe she just jumped here?

So, we left it at that.  Then, when things went badly back at the end of October, the calls to tell our parents were really hard.  So, instead of calling this friend, Johnny decided to just leave her a message on Facebook.  Perhaps not the best way to share the information, but at that point we were trying to protect ourselves-- neither one of us could say it again, so a message seemed to be the way to go.  Now, 2 months later, we never got a reply from her, but we just assumed that she didn't know what to say.  And, we've been playing phone-tag for the past two months, too.  

Finally, a few weeks ago, I sent a message to her to ask for her address.  She send me a message back and in the message I received a "I'm SO happy for you!".   When I got that, I was floored.  What did she mean?  What was she happy about?  ... of course I could only think of one thing.  I replied back, but didn't mention the comment.  Johnny said that he was VERY clear in the message and she has clearly been on Facebook since (she sent me a message!)  How could she miss it?

So, then today we got our Christmas card from her that says "We're SO happy for you guys!"  

Oh, jeeze.  There's really no denying that there really is only one thing this can be about.  So, needless to say, Johnny is not looking forward to this particular phone call.  

Merry Christmas!!!!

IUI Update

Merry Christmas Eve!

Just taking a minute from baking to update about the IUI today... 

So, I'm still nervous about my follicles, BUT we got good news with Johnny's sample today!  Woohoo... here it is... or what we could remember of it.  To start, it was the best it has been...

Volume: 4.5

Motility: 79% (wanted over ... 50% maybe?)

Abnormal: 49% (wanted under 70%)

Forward Progression: 3 (woohoo-- it's only been 2 up until now!)

Total Motile: (hold on to your hats!) 209 million! (wanted over 10 million)

Overall, I'm very happy with those stats!  Coupled with hopefully a few healthy follicles and some Christmas magic, January 7th should prove to be a happy beta day.  :)  Of course I'll test on January 6th.  :)

Hope everyone else is having a wonderful Christmas Eve.  :)  

Merry Christmas Presents!

Today was the last day of school before vacation, so I received a mass of presents from my fabulous students.  Apparently there is a consensus around these parts that Kindergarten teachers love chocolate and coffee.  Because 95% of my gifts were chocolate and/or Dunkin Donuts gift cards.  Unfortunately I do not like either.  :)  The hubby is happy to have the DD gift cards and the chocolate is going to be regifted to various family members who enjoy it.  :)

The point, however, is one of the few non-chocolate/coffee related gifts came from the family in my class dealing with a double dose of cancer right now-- the cousin of the girl in my class and her mother as well.  They gave me a simple card that said "In appreciation of your hard work, we have donated a Monopoly game in your name to the oncology wing at Children's Hospital in Boston."  I was so touched-- I would give up every Christmas present from now on if all the parents would do something like this.  :)

Merry Christmas!

Tomorrow AM I have to wake up early to bake, then go to the IUI at 10 (well, Johnny has to be there at 10, they don't really need me until 11), come back and bake some more, then go to the family Christmas party at 5 til who knows when (I'm assuming we will not be back here until 2am at the earliest...).  Oh well, it's Christmas and I have over a week of relaxing ahead of me, so I can't complain!  :)

In some strange way, this cycle doesn't even feel real.  I'm not sure why-- there have actually been more blood draws and ultrasounds than before, but it kind of feels like it has all gone too quickly.  

Maybe it's because there hasn't really been any waiting time... we've been in an out of RSC so often that it hasn't quite felt the same.  I don't know.  As a result, I don't think I'm holding too much hope for this cycle.  Of course I hope and pray that it will work... I guess I'm just expecting it not to.  Is that bad?  

Christmas Eve marks 2 years to the day that we decided to start trying.  I personally had wanted to start before... maybe August 12th, perhaps?  :)  Johnny was a little more practical and wanted to do a little waiting.  But I can still remember it... I had been egging him on for weeks about starting, but of course I couldn't be secretive and just stop taking the pill on my own.  So I had to wait for the agreement.  We went to Johnny's parents house for his family Christmas party like we do every Christmas Eve.  We didn't really even talk much that night... he was doing his thing and I was doing my thing.  After everyone left, we opened gifts with his parents and brother.  Then, as we were driving back to our place we both had the same feeling.  We wanted to start.  We were ready and the timing was right.  In our naive heads we were thinking baby for Christmas 2007.  We were sadly mistaken, but I can still remember the joy and hope that we were filled with that drive home.  Granted, I had a feeling it wouldn't work as easily as we hoped, but we were still SO hopeful and optimistic.  I don't think we stopped smiling for days.  It was our little secret and we couldn't wait to share it with other people.

So, now, 2 years later, I wish I could recapture that sense of hope and optimism.  It's still there... it's just buried under medical terminologies and statistics and hurt.  

But I can't hope but be a little optimistic.  Even though this cycle doesn't quite seem real and I don't find myself eagerly anticipating the IUI quite as much as usual, the date of the IUI marks exactly 2 years from the date we decided to start.  There's got to be something in that, right?  :)

And the really cool thing, if this all works out, my due date would be September.  Not that I'm getting ahead of myself or anything...  Why is that cool?  I think I had mentioned before the grandparents-grandchildren birthday thing my mom had told me about.  And my mom is a September baby.

As I type this, I think I've discovered the reason this hasn't felt real... I don't think I really gave myself time to think about the IUI... I was just concentrating on injections and timing and blah blah blah.  Now, as I type about it and think about it, I feel myself getting incredibly excited... nervous, hopeful.  You know the feelings.  :)

Here's to a happy 2 weeks and a very happy new years present.  :) 

Today I went in for blood work.  Again, they played the "let's find treasure in your arm" game.  It's a little tiring, but slush is life.  Anyways, my Estradiol shot up to over 400.  Which means I'm ovulating.  Which means we need to trigger tonight.  Which means the IUI is Wednesday.

This is all a little annoying.  I'm a little nervous about the little follicles.  I don't know if they're ready... they weren't yesterday, and with the idea that they only grow about 2mm a day, then my biggest would only be at 17mm... not quite big enough.  Plus, not to be greedy, but I was really hoping to have more than 1 ready.  

Oh, well, IUI is Wednesday AM at 11, so we're triggering with the Ovidrel tonight between 9 and 10.  I'm hoping, but cautiously.  I don't want to be hurt again.  

:)  

Last post for the night, I swear.  

BUT, school is CANCELLED tomorrow!!!  WOHOOOO!

I still have blood in the AM, but I'm so excited!  

Only a half day Tuesday!  But I do miss my kids terribly right now!  It's going to be a long vacation.

I just injected myself with the pen!  Wooohoo and I did a pretty good job if I do say so myself.  It did take me about 10 minutes to get myself to do it, but I did it.  :)

I have a knack for making things happen by saying that I am waiting for them.

So, of course, 2 seconds after posting the last post, I got my call from RSC... 

Here's the rundown...

LH is at 2.91

Estrogen is at 327

I am to do another injection of 75 units tonight with a blood draw in the AM.  Just blood this time.  Then I'll either trigger tomorrow night or I will have to go in again on Tuesday AM for blood and u/s.

My follicles are looking like I have one at 15mm, three at 12mm, and then a few 11mm.  Looks likes I will *crossing fingers* have more than 1 mature follicle when I trigger.  Honestly I'll take what I can get... but 2 would be really nice.  :)

Looks like the IUI is looking to be Wednesday or Thursday.  

Merry Christmas :)

Oh, and that injection tonight?  It will be done by my own capable hands.  As mentioned, my hubby is away at a basketball game... Oh jeeze.

It's snowing like crazy.  There are inches upon inches covering cars that were cleared off mere-hours ago.  The roads are white and snow covered.  So, what does my darling husband decide to do?  That's right, drive through this crazy weather to get to his Celtics game.  Can't pass up free tickets, huh?  

So I'll be on egg-shells all night until he's back.  And I still haven't gotten my call from RSC, so that's not helping my nerves.  

Where would you go?

Because given the choice, this is the only place I would go...






It's amazing how easy it is to miss it. And even more amazing is how much I miss it after so long. But I do find it sad that I can't quite remember all of the names of all the kids...

I miss sitting in the sun by the Opera House just people watching. I miss strolling to Darling Harbour and poking into all of the little shops. I miss hearing "No worries" and "Good on ya, mate." I miss jetting off on the weekends to random locations-- Melbourne and Tasmania and Uluru and Canberra and the Blue Mountains. The beaches, the sun, the people, the friends...

Just a little fit of nostalgia hitting me. :P And maybe others can appreciate this...

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
12 sulfur crested cockatoos
11 shark attacks
10 dingoes dancing
9 Tasmanian devils
8 mista wombats
7 platypi swimming
6 crocodiles
5 kangaroooooos
4 spiny echidnas
3 emus squawking
2 koala bears
and a kookaburra in a gum treeee

Yes, we did come up with that song all by ourselves... while strolling to the Harbour to see Sonic welcome Santa. :)

Friday's storm ended up being snow-tastical. Luckily we got out of school at noon... and the snow didn't start until a little bit before 3. :) Yay. So I got home with no problem. Then, I was going to head down to visit my parents Saturday night and spend the night, but with my blood and u/s appointment on Sunday morning that wasn't practical. Johnny really wanted me to invite my mom to go with me (I think he really just wanted to get out of going :P), but with the snow and the fact that we're getting another ton of snow right now, that didn't really work out. Oh, well. I was supposed to go to a friend's party today... but she lives an hour away and I am too much of a wimp to drive in the snow. :) So, instead, I'm sitting here, relaxing, wasting time and enjoying the peace. :) Johnny's going to a Celtic's game with his cousin later on tonight, so I'll have a nice relaxing night. Then, I'm kind of hoping that tomorrow will have school cancelled... most likely won't happen, but it would be nice. If they were to cancel tomorrow, there would be no reason for them to open for a half day on Tuesday, right? heehee

As for the doctors this AM... I'm still waiting for the official call, but for once I really don't know what they'll have me do. :) I had a new u/s tech who didn't tell me anything about what she was seeing.. instead she made a lot of small talk about Christmas and the weather. But before we left Johnny asked what the biggest one was... and she said it was a 15mm one on my right side. Hm... once again, my left was being lazy. It had the "big" one 3 days ago, but now it has decided to give up. Typical. :) So I will see what this means when she calls me.

And that's all about that. :)

I hate winter driving.

We had a huge ice storm around here on Friday- thankfully we didn't lose power, but the driving was slushy, icy, and annoying. It took me about an hour to get to school-- usually it's about 35 minutes.

Yesterday we had a small snowstorm and it took me 1 hour and 20 minutes to get to school.

Tomorrow we're having a big storm and they have already decided school will be closed at 12pm. Which is fine, but last year we had a huge storm and I left at 12 and it took me almost 5 hours to get home. I only like 23 miles from school!!

So, I am not looking forward to tomorrow. I am hoping and praying that school is cancelled or that the snow doesn't show up until later.

Bleh.

On another note, I went in for blood and u/s this am. I have 0 over 10mm on my right and 1 at 12mm on my left. I'm continuing with 75 for 3 more days and then I go in again on Sunday. We'll see!

Wisdom ...

Words of Wisdom (because I am so wise)

When you're about to be injected in the stomach with meds, do NOT laugh, no matter how hilarious your husband is being. You might end up being poked 3 times because you weren't holding still. :)

I currently have a little triangle of pin pricks on my stomach from laughing too much. :) Can't help it if he's funny.

Just found out today that one of the moms in my class has breast cancer. Her nephew is the one I'd mentioned awhile ago with lymphoma.

Why are things so unfair for some people?

And how do you explain this to a 5 year old?

And why do things like this always have to happen so close to the holidays?

Cycle 7 Day 7

As we figured, we're upping the dose of GonalF and I go back on Thursday AM at 6:30.

So, really, nothing new has happened. It took 3 tries to get blood and now I look like I've been abused-- but only in the crooks of my arms... really gross blueish-greenish-purpley bruises. I had 0 follicles that decided to up their size-- they're all just hanging out daring me to make them grow. So, we'll try with 75 for the next 3 nights. Take that follicles! :)

Cycle 7 Day 5

So, things have been going well. :) It's the weekend.

I've had an awful, horrible backache for the last day or so. I always tend to have a back that hurts-- I attribute it to being on my feet all day long and also to the years of babysitting and holding the kids and arching my back. But it's been SO much worse. As in, I can't roll over in bed without it hurting, I can't sit on the couch without it hurting, etc. I looked up the adverse reactions to the GonalF and in the study 2 people had back pain. Is that what it's from? :P Oh well, that's all about that! I'm sure it will get better.

Other than that, Johnny's been doing a good job doing the injectables. Needles aren't my favorite, but he makes them okay. It also doesn't hurt that the needle is so tiny.

Only 6.5 days left of school until vacation. In that time we have random Holiday Show practices, the rehearsal, making gingerbread houses, the actual show, Elf Day, the Christmas show, 2 gym classes, 2 music classes, library, health, and art. Yes, not much learning is going to go on before Christmas. :)

Cycle 7 Day 3 Down

Went to the doctors today for blood and ultrasound. The ultrasound was A-okay. I have 7 less than 10mm on my right and 10 less than 10mm on my left. Blood was annoying as usual, but I got through it. (With a nice little bruise... but through it just the same!)

Today we got the meds too, so I started GonalF this evening. We're only starting with 37.5, so it didn't seem like much. It will be interesting to see how things are looking when I go back in on Monday AM at 6:30.

I wish I knew how this would play out. Back on Clomid I could have banked on either a Dec 24th or Dec 25th IUI. Now I'm not so sure and I'm a little nervous about the timing. I know we will work everything out though... and there is no point getting worried.

On an unrelated note, we had craft day at school today. An ink pad kind of exploded (I didn't know it was possible... but it is!) so I look a little bit like a smurf. And it would be hard to convince someone who has never been in my classroom that one of my tables wasn't always blue. :)

Woohooo

I have blood and u/s scheduled for 6:30am on Thursday. I've ordered the meds and they will be in on Thursday.

I am incredibly happy and full of hope. :) The IUI should be right around Christmas. A Christmas miracle perhaps?


And on other news, I'm going to see The Grinch Who Stole Christmas tomorrow at the Wang Center with my little darlings! So excited!

Woops

I made the call. Though I now seem to have been a little over-anxious.

Day 1 has made it's appearance, so it's in for blood and u/s on Thursday!

*Huge sigh* I feel better already.

There, I did it!

So I made the call.

Aren't you proud?

Back to school tomorrow! It was a fun mini-break, but I miss the kids!

Major freak out moments... :)

So, I recently received the following message from a friend in response to my current life situation and the past few crappy months...

"I understand how it can be frustrating to be ready for your life to move on to the next step and feel like you can't force it to go where you want it to be. I find myself looking at rings everytime I get a sales flyer, or going out of my way to drop hints that I think super expensive engagement rings are pointless, or repeating the comment back to Dan every time someone teases me about when are we going to get married.... because I have already decided what my answer will be if/when he asks me, so I just want him to ask already! It kind of spoils special occasions, because instead of enjoying the anticiaption of milestone or events, I keep thinking to myself, is he going to ask when we move in together? how about on my birthday? on our anniversary? on our trip to Mexico in January?"

I didn't respond because I didn't know how to respond. Was she comparing my inability to get pregnant to being proposed to?

I have deleted all the other stuff I had to only say that she called on Saturday night to say that she is engaged. Does that mean it's my turn next? :)

And the other part of why I'm feeling this way may also be that we're edging dangerously close to out 2 year mark and I am FREAKING THE HECK OUT. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think we would get here. But as we're getting ready to say hi to Christmas and to wave in 2009 I have to realize that we ARE here. There is no way we can have good news in 2008. Nadda. And as we head to 2 years, I'm starting to freak out just a little that it won't happen for a long time. I mean, it took almost 2 years to get that first positive. So, what if I have to wait almost another 2 years for the second? I don't think I can do that.

And, as much as I'm anxious to get back to RSC to move on, I haven't been able to make the call. I should have made it a WEEK ago, but I haven't been able to. And I don't know why. It's not helping anything by not calling... but I just haven't been able to. I think it might have to do with the fact that I do not know how many more months I can go and get my hopes up only to be let down.

So, in response to my question way back almost a year ago when I wanted to know if it gets easier, I guess I'd have to say yes it does and no it doesn't. It does because you know what to expect and you know "there's always next month". And now I have my own happy little support group, so that helps a little. But it doesn't because, at least for me, the time has become almost as damaging as the negatives. And, yeah, the one line-ers on the HPTs still really suck too.

Stupid

So, I was stupid. And despite everything I knew, I let a little bit of hope creep in. Okay, to be fair... it was a lot of hope. You know when you attribute everrrry single thing to the possibility?

But I took the HPT and it was negative. Ouch.

So I continue to wait... where the hell is Day 1? Guess I'll be calling RSC tomorrow to get moving. But I don't want to take provera. That would push us back by another 2 weeks at least.

There's more I want to write, but I'm not really in the mood. I'll check back later. :)

First, I'll start by saying that I absolutely cannot believe that it is December. That. Is. Crazy.

I was just searching through iPhoto trying to find pictures to put on our Writer's Workshop chart at school. I should have honestly done this 2 months ago... but I keep forgetting. Now I am being observed doing my WW lesson tomorrow, so I want to play it up. Anyways, as I'm looking at the pictures from September and October I was floored. It already seems like such a long time ago. As everyone who has read this knows, 5 of my kids left my class in the end of Oct because of AYP craziness. It really wasn't THAT long ago. But looking at the photos makes it seem like a different world. The last batch of photos I have with those 5 kids are from right before Halloween.

Mixed in with the snapshots of the Haunted House creations were the positive pregnancy test photos. All 34 of them. Yes, I was photo happy.

It seems like it was a different world. In a way it's kind of nice that my classroom has changed so much in that month. Not because I didn't like the kids, but for two reasons. 1-- it's kept me busy. It has (mostly) kept my mind off of things I didn't want to think about. And 2, I guess it makes me feel like not everything stayed the same while our lives momentarily collapsed. I know one was not related to the other, but I'm not sure I could have dealt with losing the pregnancy and then seeing everything move along like nothing happened.

So, I guess, in some weird way, I'm thinking the change was good. I mean, losing 5 kids seriously bummed me out. I felt like it was some kind of reflection on me (which, logically I know isn't the case...). But they left, we moved on, changed up the room, and have been having a ton of fun in the classroom. So I guess it proves that even sucky situations can become positive if you let them.

So, here's for our positive. I'm still waiting (im)patiently for Day 1. I have been having weird burny/crampy feelings on my right side for about 2 days now. (ALWAYS on the RIGHT!!!) So I'm waiting with baited breath and trying my best not to get my hopes up that it could really be a miraculous positive.

And, though I know I will vehemently deny this later, but I actually kind of MISS RSC right about now! Not the specifics of course--- this whole process would be more fun without needles and ultrasounds and 6am appointments. But I guess I miss what it means... I miss the hope and the feeling like I am doing everything in my power to make it happen. Months of waiting are just...nothing. It's true, there's not really the same level of pain that you get from the negative in the end, but there's no degree of hope either. Because you know it can't ALWAYS be negative. Bleh. Yeah, I'll even take an occasional blood draw over just W.A.I.T.I.N.G.







"And how can two people who built a loving home
Try for years and never have a child of their own
When somewhere out there tonight
There's a baby no one is holding tight
In need of love
To me that don't add up..."

As we approach the end of November, I'm getting impatient. VERY impatient. I just want to get moving. I know that the 2 year mark is looming over us, so I guess I'm just anxious to give it one more try before we hit that milestone.

Oh, and if you want to see the movie "Four Christmases", don't read on....






The past few days have been a little tough. We had a great Thanksgiving (I hope everyone else did, too!!) but I think it's just my impatience setting in. I've been on edge about everything. Every little question, decision... you name it... sent me on the verge of tears. I cried while watching "Four Christmases" today... because there were two babies in the movie and because at the end, after NOT WANTING kids the whole movie, the main characters decide "Why not?" and then "one year later" pops up and there they are... with their happy baby in their arms. Ugh.

Ah... as always seems to be the case, things are very boring and uneventful when I'm not in the middle of a cycle. I'm just anxiously waiting... It's been exactly 3 weeks since the miscarriage, sooo I'm looking forward to the next start. It's hard to be patient, but I'm trying!

In the meantime, I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving and the little break. I have a few days before I get there. Monday we have school and Monday night my cousins are coming to visit and stay with us. Then Tuesday I have work again and I have a class Tuesday night. Then Wednesday is a 1/2 day-- we're having a Thanksgiving "feast"-- and Wednesday afternoon/night I'm meeting up with a friend. :) And it's BREAK TIME!

Then begins the crazy rush toward Christmas. And if all works out correctly, it will be over Christmas break that we find out the results of Cycle 7. And it will be that week that will officially mark 2 years of this craziness. :) It's amazing to think how quickly time is flying... it feels like a long time in the waiting, but really, the time has flown.

Happy Monday! :)

Let's see... today I had a Wilson's Fundation training all day. I wish I knew how to say "SO BORING" in more languages. It was down right awful. When we adopted the program over the summer I read the manual cover to cover (yeah... I was boring this summer!!) so I knew the basics. Plus I've been teaching it every day for the past 2 months. But allll they talked about was the basics. It seemed so much like a sales pitch for the program-- even the materials they gave us were copied directly from the teacher's manual. So, overall not the greatest. And I'm SO glad I didn't pay for it.

I only have 6.5 days until Thanksgiving. Wooohooo! I'm counting down the days-- I'm so ready for a break. And, though it's only 4.5 days, I'll take what I can get! :)

I just recently (the past 2 days) reconnected with a friend who I have known since 1st grade, but who I haven't really talked to in a few years. I can't even explain how happy this makes me. :) I've mentioned before that I felt like I've drifted away from all my friends, so it's good to feel like I have someone I can talk to. :) Plus, I've known her forever so it's nice.

As far as the next cycle goes-- we're just waiting it out. By my guess we... or I... should have ovulated in the past few days. And I think I did... how incredibly cool would it be if we got pregnant on an "off" cycle?? I'm not getting my hopes up too high, but it's hard not to get them up a little bit! But this means I should expect to start Cycle 7 in less than 2 weeks. Bring on the injections!!! :)

The last few days have been perfectly uneventful.

School is going well. I love my kids more and more as each day passes. At the beginning of the year I wasn't so sure about this group-- they seemed more "distant" (I don't think that is the word to explain it properly...) and I just didn't think I would love them as much as last year. However, that is definitely not the case anymore. I still miss my K's from last year, but I love these kids. They make me laugh so much-- occasionally to the point that I actually start crying which they think is even more hilarious.

I babysat Friday night. They said they'd be home early... they got home at 1:15am. I had a hair appointment scheduled with my mom at 9am... over an hour away from where I live. So, instead of going back to my apartment and driving down in the AM after I woke up, I just drove straight down here after babysitting. I got in after 2:30, but I felt amazingly refreshed when I woke this morning.

The rest of the day has just been hanging around, spending the money I got babysitting, and generally just relaxing. While I'm here the hubster is in NH visiting his cousin. Something about fantasy football and going head-to-head... guy stuff I don't care to understand. :)

And to end on a happy note (not that any of this was unhappy...) I just heard from my friend (the IVF one... I'm going to call her M from now on to stop referring to her as my IVF friend...I'm just cautious to use her name incase someone I know stumbles upon this...). Anyways, I just heard from M and she said that she's ready to try IVF again in January! I am so incredibly excited/happy/optimistic for her. I just hope and pray and wish and all that everything will work out for her. She will be an incredible mother. So I'm sending my good wishes to her this time around. :)

From as long as I can remember-- before we even started this whole IF craziness-- I have always been very definite about how I wanted the whole pregnancy process to be. I wanted it to be just me and Johnny. Ultrasounds-- just us. Registry making-- just us. Baby naming-- just us. Birth-- just us. Even at the hospital-- just us. I was firm on these facts. I felt like I had waited so long (in the beginning "so long" just meant that I had wanted to have children forever... the meaning of these words have changed...) that I wanted to have every moment to myself. A little selfish in retrospect. Johnny used to argue these points with me... that our parents would want to be involved and relatives would want to be waiting in the waiting room to hear "It's a boy (or girl)!" I didn't care. I wanted it to be just us. That's it. The end. These were always tense discussions.

However, I can tell you, this COMPLETELY changed the SECOND that stick came back positive. Immediately I was picturing having my mom or Johnny's mom in the room to see an ultrasound of the little heart beating away (after we had the first u/s to ourselves, of course :P). I was picturing walking through Babies R Us with my mom picking out little blankets and shirts. And I no longer wanted to exclude everyone from the waiting room. I'm still not a fan of the idea of having anyone besides Johnny there when I actually have the baby, but I'm now excited about having a waiting room full of love.

As usual, I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I guess I feel like all of this has had a positive effect. :)


Not much else going on. Johnny is at a Patriots game tonight, so I'm all alone. (I'm not complaining... :)) Tomorrow I'm babysitting, Saturday I'm getting my hair cut (finally) and then Sunday Johnny's gone again (I hardly see him through football season!) so I'll just be doing school work. :)

Oh, and of course we're waiting. :) What else would we be doing??

Opinions needed...

Is it weird that I have still been keeping the positive tests from this last cycle?

I've put them away-- they used to be sitting on the counter, but now they're in a bag in a drawer. But, really, is it weird that I can't seem to part with them? Because I have been told it is...

The never ending blood draws...

I have come to the conclusion (over the past 2 years) that there are 3 types of phlebotomists.

First you have the nice, gentle phlebotomist who is terrified of hurting you. Therefore, they go very gently and are often very nervous. ONce the needle is in, if the blood doesn't flow, they immediately take the needle out. This very often results in two... three... four blood draw attempts. They switch arms, feel your veins A LOT and end up passing you off to a less nervous nurse.

Second you have the type who is awesome at what they do. They tourniquet you, feels your veins for a minute, then wipe you down with alcohol and gently insert the needle. They always give you the little grippy thing to make sure your veins are giving them the best possible showing. They are less nervous than the first so they almost always get it on the 1st try. Just like that.

Third, you have the phlebotomist who is all business. They tourniquet you, wipe you down without feeling for anything, and then just jab you with the needle. This is the one who, without fail, has to move the needle around in your arm. Only after you flinch or let out a little sound do they ask "Are you okay?" to which you always answer yes in the hopes they'll find the vein soon and end the torture.

I've come to figure out which nurses are which at RSC. I know the nervous ones from the ones that induce torture from the ones who always get it first try without the pain. So it's always kind of a let down when I get 1 or 3. I know with 1 I will end up looking like swiss cheese and will have to update my "Needles" count by about 4. And I know with 3 I will end up with a nasty bruise and a nagging pain in my arm.

And that's what I got today. Ouch. :) But I'm hoping that this is the last draw until the beginning of the next cycle! :)

Things are looking up!!!! :)

Today was a fantabulous day at school and to make things better, tomorrow is Veteran's Day so I have no school!! Woohoo! Then, Wednesday is a 1/2 day for conferences (though I only have one scheduled for the afternoon- the rest are all in a week or so). Friday night I'm babysitting, Saturday AM I'm getting my hair cut, Monday I have a conference to go to all day (no no kiddies for me!)... then the following week is Thanksgiving, so I have a 1/2 day Wednesday and no school the rest of the week!

I am very much looking forward to the next few weeks. Plus, I just generally love this time of year!

Tomorrow is *hopefully* the last blood draw for this crazy, crazy cycle. Then it's only the waiting until we move on!! :)

So, I'm feeling good. And, really, I just LOVE days off. (But I do love my kiddies more than anyone can imagine--- they made me cry today from laughing so hard. And we made the coolest family trees today out of actual trees... :))

:/

I finally had to tell my co-teacher today that things worked but then they didn't. See, she had known about the IUI and she had asked me about it. She knew exactly when 2 weeks was so she knew exactly when to ask. In fact, she asked the morning of the first beta and the morning after we tested and got three positives. BUT, being cautious, I didn't tell her what I knew. Instead I lied and said that the test was in a couple of days.

So she let it go for awhile, (2 weeks) but she mentioned it again today. And I could have easily said "Oh, it was negative" as I have told her so many times before. But I just couldn't bring myself to do that. Instead I told her we had gotten the positive, lived in bliss for a week, then learned the numbers weren't rising, and that I had just miscarried over the weekend. I was careful not to look at her while saying this. And I was careful to be matter of fact. List the facts, but not to think about it.

And she asked the questions everyone asks... how are you doing? Are you okay? And the answer is, honestly, I'm not. It sucks and I hate it and I dwell on it wayyy too much. But I never admit this to anyone (well, except Johnny and no the three people who are reading this...) instead I say I'm fine and we're moving on and it is what it is because we can't do anything about it and it will happen one day. Is this the right reaction? She mentioned that a mutual friend (the teacher I often refer to that used to work at our school and who had gone through IVF and had it fail) was devastated when the IVF failed (I hadn't known the friend at this time) yet she hadn't gotten a positive yet. Yet, I seemed to be so together after having the bit of hope to cling to.

So I tried to reason through it. We still have 3 rounds of IUI before even thinking about IVF. I'm still only 24-- older than I wanted to be, but still young enough to have my age considered a positive on my side. And if I act like it's not a big deal maybe I will start to believe it for myself.

As usual, I don't really know where I'm going with this. When we were in High School we had to write Stream of Consciousness essays. I feel like I'm just doing that again. :P

On a positive note, I got a card from my fantabulous cousins today. A thinking of you card because of the past weeks. It was a nice gesture. I don't think I have mentioned that these cousins of mine-- the ones who were going through infertility issues of their own-- got pregnant. Back in... August? Maybe...? Somewhere around there at least. It's nice to see something working out. :) Can't wait to see them for Thanksgiving.

Happy Wednesday!

I had a blood draw yesterday--- I'm down to 9.6 (I think .6 at least...) so we're moving along. I have a blood draw on Tuesday of next week, so hopefully that will be the last one to track these levels. I can't wait to start the next cycle. Probably a little into December I'd assume.

Other than that... yesterday we had a professional day at work. The most boring math curriculum class EVER. Then Johnny and I went to vote yesterday evening. I was ready for a long wait. However, we were able to get right and and place our vote. :) So that's that. :)

Once again we're back to the uneventful life. :) I'm kind of enjoying it.

Comfort

Some of the most comforting words I have heard came from my mom today. Very matter-of-factly she said "This will all work out for you because you've gone through enough. And you don't need to go through any more."

So it was really nice to hear that. I hear the "it happens all the time" and "things happen for the reason"... which I know and believe... but it was nice to just hear that this SHOULDN'T be happening and it really isn't fair (for anyone).

But then my mom told me something kind of neat. My mom was born the day before (or maybe it was after) one of her grandmothers. My uncle was born before (or maybe it was after :P) one of their other grandmothers. My older brother, Jeff, was born the day before our grandmother. And my other two brothers were born within 2 weeks of my grandmother too. So if the "tradition" continues (obviously I'm the odd-ball not born near anyone...) then I'll have to get pregnant in December and have a September baby like my mom or get pregnant in January and have an October baby like Johnny's mom. :) And she was so certain and positive I couldn't help but be just as certain and positive. :)

Relaxing weekend: Take 1

All I wanted was a relaxing weekend... so far I've gotten it. :) We slept in which was so nice. Then, since Johnny has been having issues with his neck, we decided to go to the Walk In Clinic at our doctors thinking we'd be in and out. Haha. We got there at 12:20... and didn't get out til after 4:30. 4:30!!!! It took so long! But if sitting in a chair just (im)patiently waiting isn't relaxing, I don't know what is. :) Then we went and visited Johnny's parents for a little before going to the movies to see "Zack and Miri Make a Porno". I didn't think I'd like it-- but I ended up really liking it. It had a nice happy ending which is always nice!

Hopefully tomorrow will be just as peaceful... but hopefully I actually get some work done tomorrow!

One Week

What a difference a week can make.

One week ago I had the best week of my life. No joke. And I've had a pretty great life. But from Tuesday the 21st to Tuesday the 28th I had the best week EVER. I don't think I have ever smiled as much (and I smile a lot)... I walked around with the pregnancy test just looking at it (don't worry, Johnny made fun of me)... I actually started reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting"... things were looking up.

When we first got married I was 22 and Johnny was 23. From the beginning we said we were going to have a baby before either of us was 25. Unfortunately we were faced with this infertility junk and Johnny turned 25 in December of last year. I turn 25 at the very end of June 2009. So this pregnancy was just perfect. I actually had the possibility of having the baby before I was 25. (Calculating online I was due on July 5th... so a few days early wouldn't have been ridiculous). It was just such a peaceful feeling. Things were finally working out.

Then there was Tuesday and that stupid phone call which started what has easily become the worst week. Every morning I go to the doctors I have to fill out a pink card with my name, phone number, and whether or not it's OK to leave a message. Beta #1 days I always say no, it's not okay. All other days I say it is okay to leave a message. I've found that good or encouraging results (follicles looking good, time to move on, etc) result in a call around 12:30 and a very peppy nurse. Not so good calls (you need to come in again for more blood, the follicles aren't quite ready, I'm sorry...) end up with a call around 3:30 and a much sadder nurse. So when school was over on Tuesday and I still didn't have a call, I have to admit that I was nervous. So, I took that call and I was very strong if I do say so myself. I took it well. And I only had to hide a few tears from the custodian as she swept the classroom floors. But calling Johnny with the results was a whole other story. I had to go outside and I couldn't even get past "Hi" without breaking down. I scared him... I know I scared myself. Once I finally managed to get the words out (which took awhile) I was able to calm down and finish what I had started at school. Then I went home and I was fine... I really was. Until my mom called and it was flood-gates again. I don't think I have ever cried so hard to her before in my life. And I know I scared her too.

To make a long story short, it hasn't been a fun week. There's really no other way to describe it than numb. And the worst part? I still feel exactly the same as I had felt the past few weeks. Tired and sick and more tired. I just want to feel normal again.

I'm at a point that I am SO sick of needles and driving into the doctors at 6am and waiting with my heart in my throat only to be hurt again. I'm ready for a break. I'm ready to just forget about it. But, of course we won't. It's worth this pain and heartache and time and all that for the end result. At least we know it will be.

I'm really not trying to complain. Especially because I know most people who read this are going through the same thing, so nothing I am saying is new. I'm just frustrated and hurting and trying to deal with it in some way. We'll get through it like we always do. :)

Over

If I hadn't known it was Halloween already, I would have definitely found out at the drs today. I got to reenact a murder scene. Or so it seemed. :) They used a butterfly needle on me and after she had it in and was pumping my blood away, she caught the tube with her finger or hand or something and the needle ripped out and blood went all over her hand and arm, my arm, my leg, the table. It was quite gross. But very appropriate for Halloween.

So, the results. All I really heard in the voicemail was "I'm sorry, the results aren't good. Your levels are going back down." I'm really not sure if she told me what my levels were or what she said after that. I just feel kind of numb right now. So there we have it. The positive of this is that with my levels going down it's not ectopic. The negative is that with 6 cycles, we've had 2 early miscarriages-- the chemical in the beginning and now this. That scares me a little bit.

And, though I have always said I love RSC to death... they're slowly starting to annoy me...

Here's a run down of why and you can tell me if I'm crazy or not...

IUI Cycle 1-- No instruction as to whether or not to take the progesterone I had been previously prescribed. So, that night I called RSC and was given the response "Don't take it. We never prescribe progesterone right after an IUI." To which I had replied that, with the 3 TI cycles I had been taking it. It was only then that the nurse I was talking to decided to check with my doctor to see what to do. And I had to take it.

IUI Cycle 3-- Told NOT to take the progesterone because my levels were "so good".
1st Beta-- Told to CONTINUE to take the progesterone. When I wasn't, the nurse was shocked: "You're NOT? Well you need to start tonight."
3rd Beta-- Levels weren't where they were supposed to be, so told it was a loss and to STOP the progesterone.
4th Beta-- Levels were going down, told that they could NOW classify this as a loss (though I had been told this 3 days ago) and to STOP taking the progesterone now (though I had already been told that 3 days ago).

I'm annoyed because I feel like they don't communicate with each other. So it's very annoying!

That's all for now!

:)

Happy Halloween! :)

Nothing in particular

Still feeling the same... really tired, not very hungry, and really dizzy/headachey in the afternoons. I go in tomorrow AM to have another blood test, so hopefully this time tomorrow we will know where we are going and what we're into.

On a random note, I just got a medical authorization from my insurance company. Place of service: Doctors office. Type of service: Surgery. Hmmm... so I called and the guy at the insurance company said it was from Dr. Anania and something IVF related. Um... I'm a little confused. So he dug more and it said "sperm washing"... why is that listed as surgery?

That's all for now!

In limbo

That's the feeling we're having right now. We're stuck waiting to see what will happen... what is going on. It's hard enough to wait for good results, but it's awful to wait to see just how bad things are looking. Am I just going to miscarry, or am I going to have to endure an ectopic? Or, as Johnny is so desperately hoping, did they just screw up the numbers yesterday... did they really mean 772?

So... we continue to wait a few more days. Not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things, huh?

Let Down

Just a quick update... today's blood was only 172. So, not looking good. I was told I'll probably miscarry in the next couple of days or that it might be ectopic. We're still trying to be cautiously optimistic, but it's hard.

The worst part is that I feel like I've let everyone down. Oh well, not much we can do but wait and see.

Optimistic

So I just talked to my mom... she was telling me that she already started making a baby blanket.

Have I mentioned how optimistic I have become? Anyways, she was telling what to do/not to do. (Apparently you're not supposed to drink or smoke when pregnant :P). All kidding aside, it was nice to talk to her. She was telling me not to have too much salt and this and that-- all stuff I knew already. But then she told me that when she was pregnant with my brothers and I (so 4 times) she never had any negative symptoms besides morning sickness. No bleeding, no swelling... nothing. So I'm just hoping that I'm as lucky. Is this something that runs in families? I can only hope so! :)

It'll be alright

I don't quite know how to explain it, but I still have this nagging thought that this was all too easy. And I know that sounds a little ridiculous seeing as we have been trying for almost 2 years while some people get accidentally pregnant. But it's like it's almost too good to be true. Having things progress smoothly would be too easy.

It's been hard to remind myself that there are plenty of pregnancies that do end happily and without major complications. I think through reading blogs I have seen too much of the sadness of loss and recurrent loss that I kind of began to think that was the norm. You had to experience the tragic loss before you experienced the good. But with thinking and just logic I know that's not the truth. Sometimes things do go wrong, but most of the time, they go right.

So I have been a bit nervous the past few days... sure that something would go wrong. That I would stop having any symptoms, that the HPT's would come back negative (because I have taken a few more over the past couple of days...), or that I would start bleeding. I had no reason to think this, but I did.

But none of that has happened. I'm still exhausted-- way more than usual. And I still just feel pregnant. So, though I continue to be nervous and anxious, I have finally reached a point where I really think that this might just work out. I know it's early, but I think I have finally realized that it can have a happy ending and things CAN go right. So here's to the positivity and having things go right. Never have I ever wanted anything more than for this to work out perfectly... so that in 8 months we have a healthy baby in our arms. Really, nothing else matters. I don't care where we live, what money we have, or anything... I just know that this is always what I have wanted and I'm finally on the way to getting it. And that feels great. :)

So tonight, I go to bed more confident than ever that things will go right for the next 8 months. And in the end we'll have the baby we dreamed of. Hopefully tomorrow I can go to bed even more confident. And that my confidence will only grow over the next several days, weeks, and months.

5 more down

Last night we told my parents and my 3 brothers. It was good. :) They were very excited, one of my older brothers rubbed my stomach as predicted, and my mom immediately took apart a blanket she was knitting to make a baby blanket.

We all have high expectations for this little baby... so keep on growing!! Stay sticky and grow! :)

Ladies and Gentlemen-- we have doubling!

I was at 72.6 on Wednesday. Today I was at 151. Woohoo for doubling. I wish it were a bit higher though... so I had some cushion, but I'm content. :) I'll go back Tuesday to see where we stand. Then I get to schedule my ultrasound from there. :)

We're telling my parents and brothers tonight. We got my mom and dad bibs that say "I love my grandma" and "I love my grandpa". :)

Ta Da!

So, I'm sure everyone is holding on with baited breath, right? Well, here are the results from the past 24 hours.



We're pregnant! The light blue tests and the EPT have definitely faded. They were a bit more pronounced yesterday and this AM.

That's 5 HPT tests taken in a 24 hour window. I took the EPT last night at like 4, just because I said I would. I really wasn't expecting much. I was trying to be hopeful but I didn't think I was feeling different enough to constitute getting my hopes up. So, I took the test and walked in immediately went into a loss-of-speech stage. I was so shocked-- I was jumping up and down and I remember my hands were shaking so badly. The + was a little faint so we decided to go out and get more to test. We got some generic Rite Aid ones and some First Response ones. I took 2 more when we got home and sure enough both were positive. The next AM (this AM) I took 2 more-- and I was a little nervous at first because I thought the lines were lighter this time than last night. Then I took the digital this afternoon-- that's the fun one. :)

But I went for my blood test this AM and my results are... HCG is 72.6 at 14 dpo (is that good? or low?) and my progesterone is 41. I'm freaking out a little bit about the HCG. I go back on Friday for a follow up to see if it's doubling.

We told Johnny's parents this evening. THey just got back from Hawaii and it was his mom's birthday while they were away, so we got a birthday box and put a HPT in it and a sleeper that says "I <3 my grandma". Needless to say, they were very excited. Now I just hope things continue to progress. We've all got big hopes for this baby!

Back when I first started reading these blogs and I read about IFers getting pregnant, it always struck me as odd that as soon as they got the positive they were worrying about the next HCG or the next ultrasound. I couldn't understand why they just couldn't live in the now. But now I totally understand. I'm living my life terrified that things won't go right on Friday or that something will happen. I'm just so nervous... I really want to enjoy these days and weeks, but I can help but hope time would pass faster so that I can reach the next milestone and be closer to the end result.

Here's to Friday!

Wishing time away

I read somewhere recently about wishing away time. I think it was a blog of an IFer who recently had a baby, but I can't be sure and I can't remember. Basically, it said that when you're going through treatments you wish away days and weeks. But when you get to the other side, you start wishing for those days and weeks back.

It got me to thinking about how much time I have really wished away. How many times have we been confronted with a 2 week wait only to think "I wish these weeks would be over!"? I know I have probably said that about 15 times each cycle during the wait. 6 cycles x 2 weeks a cycle = 12 weeks or approximately 3 months. Three months wished away in a short period of time. There was also the 8 months TTC and knowing it wouldn't work without help ( and wishing we could just get some help-- 11 months), the month waiting for an appointment (and wishing it could be sooner-- 12 months), the 2 months between the first appointment and the follow up ( and wishing I could just move on-- 14 months), and the first month we were told to wait because they wanted to test us for CF (and wishing they had told us sooner-- 15 months). Add on to that the month we took off because of the chemical (and wishing it didn't have to put us on hold-- 16 months) And the month off due to our insurance change (and wishing we could have just started the cycle before the change-- 17 months) So, in the past 22 months, I calculate that I've been wishing away approximately 17 of those months.

Unfortunately awesome things usually come up during those waiting (wishing away) times. Like various school vacations, summer vacation, and our summer trip. And when I'm waiting and wishing time away, I usually don't enjoy the good things quite as much. (How can you when you're spending the whole time wishing the day was over so the next one could be over too?) So, I guess, I'm wondering how much I am really missing out on right now.

But I guess the silver lining is that I know I haven't lost the ability to wish and hope. Maybe I just need to transfer my wishing and my hope to a more positive outlook than just wishing away time and hoping things could move faster...

And here's to waiting for Wednesday...

Crossing my fingers!

In my head I keep coming up with these fabulous posts. However, when I sit down to write, it's so much harder.

I'm just 36 hours away from my blood test (but who's counting?) I'm very anxious and on edge. I really don't want to move on to injectables. I'm not looking forward to it, so if I can avoid it, I'd like to. We'll see, though. Today I felt "off", but half of my class has been sick, so I'm not really sure what to attribute it to.

On a random note, it occurred to me that it might not have been the best idea to give this address to my friends/cousins/mother in law. Not that I mind them reading or not wanting them to read, but they'll know when we get a + before I maybe would have intended. I mean, when I test tomorrow, I'll probably immediately post the result. When I have the blood test on Wednesday I'll post the result. So, even if we wanted to wait a few weeks/months before spilling the beans, it would be impossible. Unless I took a break from writing. But then they'd probably assume the result was + because I always post the negatives. :) So, I guess a few people will know much sooner than others! :)

And here's for hoping this will be my biggest dilemma this cycle!

It's official

I am officially losing 5 students. I was upset at first, but now I'm just thinking of all the things I'll be able to do with 10 kids-- 10 easy kids. So, really, I think it will end up being a good thing. I'm looking forward to it. My only complaint is that they won't be leaving for at least another week-ish. So my plans for moving around the room and mixing things up are on hold for a week.

Other wise, things are going fine. I'm feeling my usual lead-up to Day 1 symptoms. I am just hoping that they don't mean what they usually mean. But I guess we'll find out on Tuesday/Wednesday. If things don't work out (I am still being optimistic, I swear) then we'll start our next cycle. And the whole process begins again...

Ahh... I just want to get off this ride!!! :-P

+ 1

So, turns out 4 wasn't enough. Now I have 5 children who have written letters (or rather, their parents have) to transfer. The 5th was my toughest child, so I guess I'm not too upset about that one. :)

My principal just came in (my kids are at art, so this is legal, I swear) and wanted to remind me that the students leaving isn't a reflection of my teaching. She also said she called the assistant superintendant to see if it's okay for her to call the parents of the students who wrote letters and to tell them that the switch might not be all the crack it up to be. I realize that her call might not make the difference, but it was nice to hear that vote of confidence. So, it would be nice if the 3 who I like stay and the 2 I don't like still tranfer. :) I'm the eternal optimist...

4 Down

I've been a little flip about the AYP thing. It's only my second year-- none of my kids have reached the point of testing, so I guess I naively thought it wouldn't filter down to me. But it has. As part of the requirement for not meeting AYP, NCLB says, since we're a Title 1 school, we must offer school choice to our students. So, parents are allowed to ask to have their child moved to a better performing school in the district. And in our school of 150 students, 7 have decided to take advantage of this. In my class? 4!!!

I am losing 4 of my 15 kids. I'm so upset-- at first I didn't mind when I thought I was only losing 1. She bothered me anyways. :) But 4?? The other three are so good-- I never have to talk to them, they always complete their work, and they're the sweeeeetest kids. So I'm bummed about this. I feel like a failure-- although I realize it doesn't really reflect on my teaching-- but it's still a little insulting for me.

I go above and beyond what is required for K-- we do writer's workshop, guided reading, literacy centers... the list goes on. I work really hard with these kids-- all but 2 students were reading fluently and writing 3-4 sentence stories last year. The 2 who weren't were special needs, so they were a little behind, but even they got the routine and the idea of it. So I guess, I feel like I work hard, but parents don't see that. Instead they're running scared... :( Bummer. I guess I'm kind of hoping that they get to their new school and find out that, really, the classroom they were in was pretty good. But then again, I guess it's more about the big picture-- no matter how well my class was doing, there is still the chance that 1-5 were underperforming. It's just a tough call.

On the positive... only 8 days til the official test. 7 til I test on my own!!!

Over a week

I'm trying to be patient, but, really, it's only been 6 days. I still have well over a week left and I'm dying to know if this cycle worked. How do I keep my mind off of this? As always, the wait sucks. :)

Tomorrow Johnny's parents leave for Hawaii. They get back on the day that we find out. That's kind of my time measure. Vacation always seems short, so what's a week long vacation? (Though it would undoubtedly feel shorter if I were actually the one in Hawaii and not the one hanging out in boring ole MA) I can wait a week... but it seems so far away.

The total is 1

So the party went well. Babies were only mentioned one time-- by Johnny's grandmother. She went on about how a grandchild would be great. Johnny's mom stepped in and said "They're not ready, so stop asking," to which his grandmother countered with "Well, okay, but I would like to see a grandchild before I die." Haha... it didn't bother me... I had expected it. I think it bothered Johnny's mom more than it bothered us.

Nothing in particular

It's been a great week. We had a fire station field trip Tuesday and today we walked the pond and a firefighter-dad came in to talk to the class. :) I still have kids who I want to kill*, but weeks like this make it worth it.

I'm very very optimistic about this cycle. I guess in my head I keep thinking "175.5 million and 2 follicles... it has to work!" and I guess I know that's not always the case, but things were just so GOOD about this cycle and I'm just feeling good. The 22nd cannot come fast enough!!!!

Tomorrow evening we have a party for my mother in law... should be interesting! Family parties are always an adventure. And I should make a bet with Johnny as to how many times babies will be mentioned. How many times Johnny's grandmother will say "Having a great-grand child would be the best gift I could get" or his aunt will ask "When are you two going to make some babies?"** And so with that... I'm off to waste away my Friday night!

* Disclaimer: I would never actually kill any child. I love them all too much!

** I seriously do love his family!

Something I've been thinking about...

I've always been one of those people who wondered why bad things happened to good people. You know we have all thought it or seen it... the really good people get the bad situations, while the "bad" people don't (seem to) have these problems. And I know it's something that people always struggle with... the "why?"

Well, the other day I was at dinner with 3 friends-- we were talking about one friend's nephew who was recently diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma (he's 6). And it was one of those conversations-- wondering why it had to happen to this little boy, this happy family. And one of my friends, with so much certainty, said "You're only given what you can handle. That's why it seems like only the good people get the bad stuff. They're the ones who can deal." And you can debate why this may be so, and you can argue that it's unfair. But something about the way she said it just completely stuck with me. I mean, I've heard people say it before-- you only are given what you can handle, but I had never heard it with so much certainty. And I know in the back of my mind I was thinking about more than just this little boy-- and I'm sure my friend going through infertility was thinking the same thing. We were given this because we can handle it and we will overcome it. So, something about that conversation still makes me smile and has given me such a positive outlook the past few days. I hope it continues. :)

IUI 3 Complete!

So we did the IUI today at 10:30 (more like 11 by the time we were called in...) and I'm back at school. It's lunch, so it's not completely illegal that I'm typing this. :) We ended up with 2 mature follicles-- one on the left and one on the right. I could definitely feel the one on the right popping out. Good sign. :) And, Johnny's numbers were the best they have been!! Everything was up from last time-- concentration, motility, etc. In the end, last time we had 16.6 million sperm. This time, 175.5 million. I almost fell off the table when she told me that. So, I'm feeling pretty optimistic! Oct. 22nd is the test so we shall see! I cannot wait-- and it's good knowing what we're moving on to if this doesn't work. No waiting around. :)

Today my nurse was training a new girl. I felt kind of bad-- she was SO nervous. I could feel her hands shaking around. I felt like some exhibit though, the way they were both staring at me so carefully. Johnny almost had a heart attack though-- he was a little protective of the sample and he thought for sure that the new girl would make a mistake and say "Ooops-- it slipped." so he was getting ready to tell her to stop and to let the experienced girl do it, but in the end the new girl couldn't navigate correctly, so the experienced one took over. And it was done. :) Yay.

Happy Wednesday!

Progress!!!

IUI scheduled for Wednesday at 10:30am. Woohoo... I'm looking forward to it. My lining ended up being 9.2 today. :) Then my left follicle was 15mm and my right was... are you ready?... 24mm. That's an increase of over 3mm in one day! Uh... crazy. So I'm very excited.

I'm feeling good. I had a good day at work... I really love my job! I worked really late and then went to meet my aide and my friend who used to teach at my school. It was SO good to see her. She's one of the most positive, optimistic people I know. It just makes me feel good to see her. And she's so supportive of what we're going through. She knows too much of it. I can't wait til she gets pregnant-- she will be an amazing mother.

And with that, I'm off to put away clothes, do dishes, and trigger!

I've still got it!

Apparently I have still got it. (The lucky streak, that is!) I'm going back in tomorrow AM for blood and ultrasound. THe nurse said they'd probably trigger me tomorrow-- probably. The follicle is mature but my hormone levels aren't ready and my lining obviously isn't ready. So we shall see. But this is good because it means the IUI will most likely be on Wednesday-- doesn't interfere with my field trip OR Johnny's day at work covering the other stores. Woohoo!

Quick update

We had our check up today. My right side had one follicle at 20.5mm. Woohoo. My left side had one at 14mm. So it was trying, but not quite good enough. Again my lining is low... only 6.2mm. I guess we'll see in a bit if they decide to trigger me tonight or tomorrow night. Tonight would mean an IUI on Tuesday... meaning that I would be screwed for the field trip... meaning that my string of good luck with have officially come to an end. :) We shall see though.

I had the same nurse who poked me 3 times last week before giving up. This time he got it on the second try, though. A little better, right?

That's all for now! I'll update when I get my official directions for this week!

Deep breath

I bit the bullet and finally called my mom to see if (1) she wanted to know about what was going on and wasn't asking because she didn't want to intrude or (2) she didn't want to know. So-yay- I found out the answer is number 1. I gave her a rundown of the past 2 years. A rundown of the treatments. A rundown of the meds. All that good stuff. So it's nice to have the lines open. I'll see her this weekend for my brother's birthday, so we'll see if she mentions it.

Johnny's taking me away for the weekend. :) Not far... but to a neat/modern hotel in Lexington. It's kind of a busy weekend for it, but it will be fun to be away. We're heading there after school tomorrow and then coming back home on Sunday. In between, Sat I have a class at the aquarium from 9-11 and then we have to head down to see my family. Then Sunday AM we have a dr. appointment at 7am. (I was stupid when I scheduled it... at the time I didn't know that the 5th was a Sunday.) I'm a little nervous about how the timing will work out. We have the check up Sunday, so if things look A-okay we will have the IUI on Tuesday. My class is going to the fire station for fire safety week in the AM. So if the IUI is Tuesday it will make this difficult. And if it's not Tuesday but instead pushed til Thursday Johnny will have a hard time because he is covering one of the stores in his company because of some sort of trip or something pulling all the guys out.

So, as always, we'll wait and see! :)

Just an update

Today we had an appointment with the fabulous Dr. Anania. I really like her. Have I mentioned that? Anyways, things are as we figured. We're going to finish this cycle. And hope, hope, HOPE it works. (We'll know if we're on the right track on Sunday) If not, the next 3 cycles will be Gonal-F injections and Ovidrel. Not looking forward to the shots. If that still doesn't work (it has to, right?) we'll move on to IVF. So, here's hoping! :)

Ahhh

So I am freaking myself out right now. As I've mentioned, I was accepted into the UMass Lowell Reading and Language program for Spring of 2009. I do not yet know how much financial aid I might receive. So I had lunch with my parents today and my mom mentioned looking into Grad classes at BU again-- that's where I got my undergrad-- because they might provide more financial aid because they're a private institution and because I graduated so well while I was there. So now she got me to thinking how much I would LOVE to go back. I looked onto the MA DOE website because I got my teaching license in 2006. So it should expire in 2011-- 3 years from this past August. That's not much time to get my masters. But if I'm employed for 5 years with my Initial License, then I'm eligible for a 5 year extension on my Masters requirement. So basically I'm freaking out because don't know what to do or what I want to do. Ahhhhh.

Day 12

Day 12 will be Oct. 5th, so that's the next day for blood and ultrasound. We'll see where we stand after that-- the IUI is coming up fast!! :) As are my hopes...

Fourth time's the charm!

Today my blood draw took 5 vials and four tries. :( The first nurse was new-- he tried twice on my left and once on my right before giving up. Then he called over another girl who got it on my left after moving it around a little bit. After the second vial the blood stopped flowing so she had to do more moving around. NOT FUN.

Day 1

Though I had been enjoying my time away from the needle (hey, I sound like an addict), it's back on it on Friday. Today's Day 1, Friday will be Day 3... so that means Friday will be a blood and u/s day. Woohoo. I enjoyed my peaceful couple of weeks (and I always do), but as always, it feels good to be getting something done. So that's that. And I assume this is a clomid at 150 IUI cycle. But I do what I'm told, so I guess I'll find out when I get my call back for the time. And either way, we have an appointment with Anania on Monday to see where we go from here. As always, keeping the fingers crossed.

And on a random note, does anyone else do this? When we start each cycle and figure out when the test day will be, we figure out roughly 12 weeks/3 months from the test. Then we figure out what holiday/event/etc we could share the news at. So, when we did the February cycle we thought Mother's Day. The April cycle we thought my birthday. The August cycle we thought Johnny's mom's birthday... you get the idea. So, this cycle will be Christmas. :) Though I really doubt I could ever really wait that long. Maybe Thanksgiving. :)

Update:
Fri morning I'm scheduled for a 7:15 u/s and a plethora of blood work. I guess my blood work-up of hormones and infectious diseases from last year has expired so time for more. Yay... that means multiple vials of blood. And we all know how much I love to give blood... :P And I just ordered this cycle's meds. Should have it tomorrow or Friday. :)

Dealing with it...

I'm doing okay. Once again I had gotten my hopes up a bit. I had tested Saturday and it was negative, but I kept thinking that maybe it was too early, my levels hadn't gotten high enough yet, etc. So, though I expected it, the call sucked yesterday. Each time they call me with the negative results they seem to get sadder and sadder. I guess they're starting to know me and starting to become more invested in this whole process, too. :) It's so awkward on the phone when they tell me it's negative. I always want to hang up on them. Or cry. Or throw the phone. But I do my best to be strong and to listen to the directions ("We're ready for you to do another cycle if you want. Just call on Day 1.")... even if my voice breaks a little bit.

And that gets me thinking, as much as it hurts when they call me to tell me isn't negative, I don't think I'm prepared for the day they call and tell me it's positive. Who really wants a semi-stranger calling and telling them the thing they have been waiting for? I've always pictured Johnny and I huddled around the test (because I never test alone :) ) and finding out together. Other people aren't supposed to know til we tell them. Not the other way around. So I guess that's why I test before the official test. But will I ever really believe it until the official test?

So... I continue to deal. Take what comes and forget about what I can't control. (Which, unfortunately is a lot lately...)

. . .

I'm reminded of something my college roommate used to always say

Too bad. So sad.

And that sums it up.

Cycle 6... And 6 has always been my favorite number.

Here we go again.

And on an unrelated note... have you ever stopped to wonder just how much blood you have given to your RE? To date I've had almost 50 blood draws for RSC. That's in 1 year. And that's a lot of blood.

Still optimistic

But I tested today and I got a negative. (It wasn't a 1 line/2 line deal today, it was a plus or negative :) ) So I'm still waiting patiently for Monday. If things didn't go right, though, we have an appt. scheduled with Anania on the 30th to see where we go next. :)

As requested

I have been told that I need to update this more often. However, the reason that I don't update much during the 2ww is because there really isn't much going on. I'm just patiently (or not so patiently, really) waiting for Monday to come along. Or, really, Saturday when I'll test. :) I'm starting to get nervous, but I'm also trying not to think about it.

As usual, school is keeping me busy... tomorrow is Back to School Night, so I'll be at school from 7am-8pm tomorrow. I'll leave at 6:15am and get home probably around 8:30. Long day. The hubby is brining me dinner, though, which will nicely breakup the evening.

So, yeah, I guess I'll update on Saturday... unless something interesting happens before then. :)

Uneventful

So, the life and times of me have been rather uneventful the past few days. And I kind of like it like that. :) School's been keeping me busy. I was supposed to start a new math curriculum this week, but the materials are mysteriously missing (for the whole district, mind you) so that's on hold. I started my anti-violence curriculum "Second Step" today. I got to play with puppets so that was fun. I start the new phonics curriculum on Monday. Should be interesting. My school failed to meet it's Annual Yearly Progress the past few years so we're kind of on probation which has led to the implementation of these new curriculums. My teaching partner has decided to take a personal stand against the phonics program... because it was brought in by the principal... whom my teaching partner hates. Sooo it should be interesting! We're mandated to do this, but she just decided not to. Guess we'll see where that one goes! :) That's all!

I'm making sure that I'm being VERY good this cycle with the progesterone and my vitamins. I missed a few here and there the past few rounds. This round I want no excuses. :)

If there is a next time...

RSC just called. Checking up on my files and the like. My doctor has suggested I do one more clomid IUI (if this one doesn't work). Then she wants me to come in and see where to go from there. Basically, I've been a mystery up until now. They thought it would work with TI so they're kind of at a loss as to why it hasn't thus far. But, who knows, I might be pregnant right now. :) And I know that I said I would put my foot down to more clomid because I want to move on to injectables, I have so much stuff going on right now with school and work that I don't have time to argue this. So, hopefully no need for any more rounds, but if so, it'll be an Oct. clomid IUI and possibly a Nov. injectables cycle.

As always, we wait.

Good weekend

It's Sunday night. The weekend is almost over and I'm getting ready to go back to school tomorrow. My mind is racing- I have so much to get through over the next few weeks. Four of my 15 kids are reading already. So I have to modify all of my Guided Reading lessons to challenge them. We still haven't learned all of the daily routines, so setting children up to independent AM centers is challenging. My behaviorally challenged child needs some sort of new behavior chart. But I'm not sure what to do. In short, I just want to get through the next few weeks with a little sanity.

But I am optimistic that this week will be a little better and a lot smoother than last week- each week will get easier. My teaching partner said she had the worst first day of school ever on Thursday. She's been teaching for 10 years. There goes my hope that the first days will get easier over the years. :)

But on a positive note, I was talking to the 1st grade teacher who has 1/2 my kids from last year. She was amazed at how polite, well-behaved, and advanced (in reading and writing) they were. :) So I have proof that the hard work pays off. It is just stressful in the beginning. (VERY stressful!)

The weekend itself was pretty good. Relaxing. Low key. Hopefully the start of something fabulous (I'll let you know in two weeks). It'll be our last relaxing weekend for a few weeks so I'm glad I got to enjoy it. :)

Goof

I forgot to mention how ABSOLUTELY ridiculous Johnny was at the IUI today. If you don't know him (and I think only 2 people who read this do...) he is just like a little kid. He needs to be doing something or else he gets bored and makes his own fun (usually stupid fun). He has a very hard time sitting and just waiting. So, after the IUI you have to lay on the table for 15 minutes. Johnny wasn't having any part of that. Instead he proceeded to make his own entertainment. He put on some blue latex gloves. He found a blood draw needle (thank goodness he didn't feel the need to use it!). He opened all the drawers. (I sure hope they don't have a camera in there!). He played with the pull out part of the table. He played with the light on the table. He took out one of those huge Q-tip looking things and wanted to use it very badly (I said no). And then, when everything else was denied of him, he tried to crawl on the top of the table with me. There's more, but to spare him from sounding too weird or crazy I will leave it out. Suffice to say, he was really entertaining. I guess you had to be there. But he was being so loud and I was laughing so much I'm sure they heard us in the hallway. I wouldn't be surprised if they immediately went inside to see what havoc we had caused. :)

And so we wait some more...

So the IUI was this AM. Johnny went in at 11am and I went in at 12pm. Or, at least I was there at 12pm... I didn't go in until closer to 12:20pm. I was getting nervous sitting there that something was wrong. But finally they called us so all was well. We went in and a new nurse (new to me) did the IUI. I didn't like her at all. Since it was my second IUI she just got right now to business, which is okay, but there was no caring or anything. Last time I felt like the nurse genuinely cared about me and the procedure and it working. This time the nurse made me feel like she just had to do her job and be out. (And through the rushing she made it hurt- a lot. I think, though, it was just because I was tense about not liking her much and not feeling comfortable with her.)

When she went over the numbers from the sample, she only talked to me and kind of blocked Johnny out, so I felt bad about that. The numbers were okay. Not as good as last time... motility and concentration were both low. (bummer) And last time there was something like 98 million. This time it was only 16.6 million. But that was still 6.6 over what they were looking for, so I guess it was okay. :)

So the test is schedule for September 22nd. Of course I'll probably home test on September 21st. :) Even if it's negative, I always like to know so I don't get so upset when I get the call from the random nurse at the drs office.

So that's all about that. School yesterday was exhausting once again. There is one child in particular that I cannot stand. Or rather, I can stand him, but he tries my patience (to put it mildly). He also got sent to the principal's office because I couldn't stand him. So that is that.

Just heard my poor brother- who is 4 hours away in NY visiting his girlfriend- woke up this AM to a tree branch having fallen on his car and breaking the windshield & denting the roof. The insurance company can't have it fixed until Monday. So, somehow, he has to drive home from NY with the broken windshield. He has more problems with his car than anyone else I know.

Saturday it is!

I forgot to mention last night that we had gotten good news from the blood work I had done yesterday AM. Apparently my levels are A-okay (though I'm still personally a little concerned about the lining because it was so thin and they didn't check it yesterday... a few cycles ago they actually delayed me by a few days because of the lining... or lack there of). Anyways, I triggered last night (or, really, Johnny triggered me...). The IUI is officially Saturday! We don't know what time yet because they don't make weekend schedules until Friday afternoon, but we should know soon. Back to my life of not cage fighting and slam dancing.

The first day of school was ... exhausting! I got to see my old kids in the AM. Ahh they're so cute! All the moms came and gave me hugs. It was great to see them. My new group seems okay. I know they'll never quite measure up to that fabulous group of last year (plus I had 11 girls and 1 boy last year so it was a bit calmer... I have 8 boys and 7 girls this year...). I'll have my new kids whipped into shape soon. Once they are, I'm sure I'll love them to death as well.

That's all for now... off to finish getting ready for the day and then off to school for Day 2.

Progress!!!

I mentioned a few posts ago that I have been incredibly lucky as far as timing is concerned. And my lucky streak continues (yes!). This AM I went in to the dr's. (And I went alone because the hubby left at 6 to start work... but he surprised me by meeting me there at 6:30!) The u/s showed 0 bigger than 10mm on my left (darn left sucks!). So I was a bit discouraged. But on my right there was 1 that is at 17.5mm! Woohoo! I have never had one that big on Day 12. Usually I have one that is growing, but it's at 12mm or 13mm. So I was excited. A little disappointing was that the lining was only 5.7mm. Not too good.

I got my call a few minutes ago and I have to go in for more blood tomorrow AM. But she said that most likely I would be triggering on Thursday night and going for the IUI on Saturday! Yes!! :) It works out perfectly. And even if my levels aren't quite up to snuff tomorrow I can always go in again on Friday and then I would still have the IUI on the weekend! :) So I am counting my lucky stars about this one. :)

Sleeeepy

The first few days back to school (either starting or after a vacation) are always tough for me. I always spend the first few nights SO tired. And that's where I am right now. EXHAUSTED. It's only 7:25 but I wish I were in bed already. I have a little bit more work to finish up and then it's beddy time!!

Tomorrow AM I have a 6:30am appt. at RSC. I'm hoping and praying that those fabulous follies have grown fabulously. :)

School

Words cannot express just how much I am looking forward to school starting. I've thought about it and planned and thought some more. I'm just ready to get through the first few days. The first 2 days are always just a pain. There's no way around it. Kindergartners cry, their parents cry, they decide they don't like their snack, they lose their lunch money, they cry some more... I keep saying that I cannot wait until the whole first month is over. I want all the kids to know all of the routines. I want us to have our schedule. I want to have fun. :)

So I find myself anxiously awaiting the first few days. I want all of the first-day mystery to be gone. :)

That being said, I know I've been spoiled this summer. I just spent the last 2.5 months doing nothing productive. I babysat and tutored a handful of times, but not really enough to constitute saying I was busy this summer. It was a very nice luxury. One I know won't continue next summer (well, unless we miraculously get pregnant this round and then I'll spend the summer with baby. :) I didn't have to wake up, I didn't have to go to bed... i didn't have to do anything. But I'm ready for the real-world again. Living the carefree life was fun while it lasted!

Weird Dreams

So, last night I had two baby-related dreams. One was happy and the other... just weird.

First, I had a short little dream that I had received an email from my cousin who is TTC as well. The email contained a picture of a positive HPT. :) Woohoo! I only hope my dream is right about this one! :)

The second... we have some fantabulous friends who live in Hawaii who have the cutest baby who will be one in Sept. (I try not to think about it, but it's a little bit of a reminder of what we could have had things worked out like we wanted.) Needless to say, they have the cutest baby in the world. And our friends are really just too far away.

Anyways, back to the dream. I had gone to Hawaii alone to visit the mom and the baby. I got there and there was no one there so I kind of just investigated. Then the mom and the baby came back home and I was telling them how much I loved the house, etc. etc. I can't entirely remember how everything unfolded, but to make a long story short, the mom started telling me that I wouldn't make a good mother and that I shouldn't be wasting my life and time on fertility treatments when it's not supposed to even happen. She ended up kicking me out or something, too. Strange.

So, I do know it was a dream. And I do know that these particular friends would NOT react this way should we tell them,but it was still a very weird dream... So, that's the weirdness that is my life!

Just waiting!

Waiting is the name of the game. You wait for Day 1. You wait to see the affects of the drugs. You wait for the next procedure. You wait for the big test. Then, inevitably, you find yourself waiting for Day 1 again. (Well, until that day that the big test day is a happy one...)

As always the waiting drags on. Waiting is always slow, but I've come to enjoy it. Kind of. I enjoy the non-stress associated with the waiting for monitoring to begin. I enjoy the relatively-calm state of my hormones (this one is debatable... but it has been over 36 hours since I broke down last, so I'm thinking we can classify this as calm). I enjoy not having to be poked and prodded by countless people.

But I do eagerly anticipate the next step coming.

So now I am eagerly-patiently waiting for Sept. 3 to come along. I can't wait to see if these little follies have taken to growing this time. Hopefully more than 1 decided it liked this round of clomid. Hopefully, hopefully... waiting. :)

A good distraction is coming up, though. Tuesday I'm back at work and Thursday the new K students are finally here! That will keep me busy I have no doubt. And it's a lot harder to be preoccupied with waiting and testing and such when you have 15 5 year-olds to teach. :) So here's for making it the next few days until the next great distraction sets in. :)

Enter...

Psychotic Stacey.

I'm so over clomid that it's not even funny.

3 years!

I forgot to mention... today marks a very important milestone in my life.

Exactly 3 years ago today I landed in Sydney, Australia for the most fabulous semester of my life! :) I still miss my Year 1 kids, the friends I made, the adventures I went on... and everything about it. Can't wait to go back again!!!

My room!!

I had mentioned awhile ago putting up pictures from my room, so here we are... :)

Here's the bookshelf side of the thing my dad made for me to store all my teacher-y books.


Here's the front view of the magnetic side for lunch choices.


House area.


Pocket chart literacy center. And the sand table... I hardly ever open. :)


Meeting area and Star of the Week board.


Calendar Wall


Writing and Names/Words Centers. You can see the handy-dandy, nifty cubby thing my dad made me last year.


Reading area view 1.


View 2.


And the Star Birthday board I am so proud of. I didn't have a bulletin board, so I invented one. :)


There's a lot more and more centers, but I'm done putting up pictures! I guess I can see why I don't do it. It's kind of a pain. :)