Tuesday, December 2

First, I'll start by saying that I absolutely cannot believe that it is December. That. Is. Crazy.

I was just searching through iPhoto trying to find pictures to put on our Writer's Workshop chart at school. I should have honestly done this 2 months ago... but I keep forgetting. Now I am being observed doing my WW lesson tomorrow, so I want to play it up. Anyways, as I'm looking at the pictures from September and October I was floored. It already seems like such a long time ago. As everyone who has read this knows, 5 of my kids left my class in the end of Oct because of AYP craziness. It really wasn't THAT long ago. But looking at the photos makes it seem like a different world. The last batch of photos I have with those 5 kids are from right before Halloween.

Mixed in with the snapshots of the Haunted House creations were the positive pregnancy test photos. All 34 of them. Yes, I was photo happy.

It seems like it was a different world. In a way it's kind of nice that my classroom has changed so much in that month. Not because I didn't like the kids, but for two reasons. 1-- it's kept me busy. It has (mostly) kept my mind off of things I didn't want to think about. And 2, I guess it makes me feel like not everything stayed the same while our lives momentarily collapsed. I know one was not related to the other, but I'm not sure I could have dealt with losing the pregnancy and then seeing everything move along like nothing happened.

So, I guess, in some weird way, I'm thinking the change was good. I mean, losing 5 kids seriously bummed me out. I felt like it was some kind of reflection on me (which, logically I know isn't the case...). But they left, we moved on, changed up the room, and have been having a ton of fun in the classroom. So I guess it proves that even sucky situations can become positive if you let them.

So, here's for our positive. I'm still waiting (im)patiently for Day 1. I have been having weird burny/crampy feelings on my right side for about 2 days now. (ALWAYS on the RIGHT!!!) So I'm waiting with baited breath and trying my best not to get my hopes up that it could really be a miraculous positive.

And, though I know I will vehemently deny this later, but I actually kind of MISS RSC right about now! Not the specifics of course--- this whole process would be more fun without needles and ultrasounds and 6am appointments. But I guess I miss what it means... I miss the hope and the feeling like I am doing everything in my power to make it happen. Months of waiting are just...nothing. It's true, there's not really the same level of pain that you get from the negative in the end, but there's no degree of hope either. Because you know it can't ALWAYS be negative. Bleh. Yeah, I'll even take an occasional blood draw over just W.A.I.T.I.N.G.

"And how can two people who built a loving home
Try for years and never have a child of their own
When somewhere out there tonight
There's a baby no one is holding tight
In need of love
To me that don't add up..."

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