Monday, December 22
In some strange way, this cycle doesn't even feel real. I'm not sure why-- there have actually been more blood draws and ultrasounds than before, but it kind of feels like it has all gone too quickly.
Maybe it's because there hasn't really been any waiting time... we've been in an out of RSC so often that it hasn't quite felt the same. I don't know. As a result, I don't think I'm holding too much hope for this cycle. Of course I hope and pray that it will work... I guess I'm just expecting it not to. Is that bad?
Christmas Eve marks 2 years to the day that we decided to start trying. I personally had wanted to start before... maybe August 12th, perhaps? :) Johnny was a little more practical and wanted to do a little waiting. But I can still remember it... I had been egging him on for weeks about starting, but of course I couldn't be secretive and just stop taking the pill on my own. So I had to wait for the agreement. We went to Johnny's parents house for his family Christmas party like we do every Christmas Eve. We didn't really even talk much that night... he was doing his thing and I was doing my thing. After everyone left, we opened gifts with his parents and brother. Then, as we were driving back to our place we both had the same feeling. We wanted to start. We were ready and the timing was right. In our naive heads we were thinking baby for Christmas 2007. We were sadly mistaken, but I can still remember the joy and hope that we were filled with that drive home. Granted, I had a feeling it wouldn't work as easily as we hoped, but we were still SO hopeful and optimistic. I don't think we stopped smiling for days. It was our little secret and we couldn't wait to share it with other people.
So, now, 2 years later, I wish I could recapture that sense of hope and optimism. It's still there... it's just buried under medical terminologies and statistics and hurt.
But I can't hope but be a little optimistic. Even though this cycle doesn't quite seem real and I don't find myself eagerly anticipating the IUI quite as much as usual, the date of the IUI marks exactly 2 years from the date we decided to start. There's got to be something in that, right? :)
And the really cool thing, if this all works out, my due date would be September. Not that I'm getting ahead of myself or anything... Why is that cool? I think I had mentioned before the grandparents-grandchildren birthday thing my mom had told me about. And my mom is a September baby.
As I type this, I think I've discovered the reason this hasn't felt real... I don't think I really gave myself time to think about the IUI... I was just concentrating on injections and timing and blah blah blah. Now, as I type about it and think about it, I feel myself getting incredibly excited... nervous, hopeful. You know the feelings. :)
Here's to a happy 2 weeks and a very happy new years present. :)