Tuesday, September 23

Dealing with it...

I'm doing okay. Once again I had gotten my hopes up a bit. I had tested Saturday and it was negative, but I kept thinking that maybe it was too early, my levels hadn't gotten high enough yet, etc. So, though I expected it, the call sucked yesterday. Each time they call me with the negative results they seem to get sadder and sadder. I guess they're starting to know me and starting to become more invested in this whole process, too. :) It's so awkward on the phone when they tell me it's negative. I always want to hang up on them. Or cry. Or throw the phone. But I do my best to be strong and to listen to the directions ("We're ready for you to do another cycle if you want. Just call on Day 1.")... even if my voice breaks a little bit.

And that gets me thinking, as much as it hurts when they call me to tell me isn't negative, I don't think I'm prepared for the day they call and tell me it's positive. Who really wants a semi-stranger calling and telling them the thing they have been waiting for? I've always pictured Johnny and I huddled around the test (because I never test alone :) ) and finding out together. Other people aren't supposed to know til we tell them. Not the other way around. So I guess that's why I test before the official test. But will I ever really believe it until the official test?

So... I continue to deal. Take what comes and forget about what I can't control. (Which, unfortunately is a lot lately...)

1 comment:

Sarah said...

I'm so sorry sweetie.