In some strange way, this cycle doesn't even feel real.  I'm not sure why-- there have actually been more blood draws and ultrasounds than before, but it kind of feels like it has all gone too quickly.  

Maybe it's because there hasn't really been any waiting time... we've been in an out of RSC so often that it hasn't quite felt the same.  I don't know.  As a result, I don't think I'm holding too much hope for this cycle.  Of course I hope and pray that it will work... I guess I'm just expecting it not to.  Is that bad?  

Christmas Eve marks 2 years to the day that we decided to start trying.  I personally had wanted to start before... maybe August 12th, perhaps?  :)  Johnny was a little more practical and wanted to do a little waiting.  But I can still remember it... I had been egging him on for weeks about starting, but of course I couldn't be secretive and just stop taking the pill on my own.  So I had to wait for the agreement.  We went to Johnny's parents house for his family Christmas party like we do every Christmas Eve.  We didn't really even talk much that night... he was doing his thing and I was doing my thing.  After everyone left, we opened gifts with his parents and brother.  Then, as we were driving back to our place we both had the same feeling.  We wanted to start.  We were ready and the timing was right.  In our naive heads we were thinking baby for Christmas 2007.  We were sadly mistaken, but I can still remember the joy and hope that we were filled with that drive home.  Granted, I had a feeling it wouldn't work as easily as we hoped, but we were still SO hopeful and optimistic.  I don't think we stopped smiling for days.  It was our little secret and we couldn't wait to share it with other people.

So, now, 2 years later, I wish I could recapture that sense of hope and optimism.  It's still there... it's just buried under medical terminologies and statistics and hurt.  

But I can't hope but be a little optimistic.  Even though this cycle doesn't quite seem real and I don't find myself eagerly anticipating the IUI quite as much as usual, the date of the IUI marks exactly 2 years from the date we decided to start.  There's got to be something in that, right?  :)

And the really cool thing, if this all works out, my due date would be September.  Not that I'm getting ahead of myself or anything...  Why is that cool?  I think I had mentioned before the grandparents-grandchildren birthday thing my mom had told me about.  And my mom is a September baby.

As I type this, I think I've discovered the reason this hasn't felt real... I don't think I really gave myself time to think about the IUI... I was just concentrating on injections and timing and blah blah blah.  Now, as I type about it and think about it, I feel myself getting incredibly excited... nervous, hopeful.  You know the feelings.  :)

Here's to a happy 2 weeks and a very happy new years present.  :) 

LIfe

Lately I've been posting a little less about getting pregnant (partially because I've been playing the waiting game for the past 2 weeks) and more about other things. I guess I've started to realize that there is a bit more to my life right now. That I have other things to hang on to. That's kind of a good feeling.

Keeping with that good feeling... today was Get Ready Day at school-- all of next year's K students came in for a half day. And boy are they CUTE. There is one crazy girl who reminded me of a mixture of my 3 worst kids this year. So I bargained with my teaching partner not to have her. 3 parents actually REQUESTED that they have me next year. I have to admit, that made me feel pretty good. :) Just 4 more days with my darlings. I will miss them terribly, but I am ready for the next beginning so that I can correct all of those mistakes I made this year. I'm convinced that if I start off the year more with routines and expectations then I won't be pulling my hair out next June. We'll see though. (Hey, with a little luck I won't be there in June, right? :))

My birthday is coming up (yay!! I was told today that I'm still young enough to be excited about birthdays). Johnny booked 2 nights at a the same hotel we spent out wedding night. :) I'm VERY excited to say the least. School will be out and we will be able to just relax. I really can't wait. And I'm still crossing my fingers and optimistic that we will be there celebrating some fabulous news. :) (Maybe... ?) If not, being with him and relaxing will be enough to keep me content. Like I mentioned, I'm doing really well. :)

Terrified

I am so incredibly terrified for tomorrow.  I doubt that I will sleep well tonight.

I'm trying to keep optimistic, but I really don't want to go in and find out tomorrow.  Only because that means that it will be another month (at least) if things don't work.  I can take a few days, but another month or more of this?   And as I've said before, I have so much respect and admiration for those who have been through this for years.  I can't take the weeks and months.  Years might kill me.

Optimism aside, I don't feel too positive about this cycle.  The cramps are just too weird... too crampish... too much like a regular cycle.  And it's too eerily similar to last cycle.  Oh well... whining and complaining and worrying definitely isn't going to do anything.  I'll just be happy with the fact that I should know for sure in less than 20 hours.  :)  If nothing else, I will then at least know where to go next.

Yay!

Today I had my u/s and blood and it went fantastically!  The blood was a one-needler.  I immediately knew it would be a good morning!  I got the u/s tech that I love.  She found 0 over 10mm on my left.  (Supposedly a week ago I had 2 over 10mm).   She thinks that they were measuring two that were smushed together.  Doesn't matter.  Because... on my right she found that my big one was 20.5mm!  Woohoo... I was so excited.  Sooo I'm taking the trigger tonight!  Woohoo!!!

Vacation!

5 days of clo.mid.  10 pills.  RSC on Wednesday.  I'm not going to waste my vacation waiting around for the doctors like I did in February.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I'm going to make it worth my while!  :)

I'm on my way!!

Yay!  Bloodwork and u/s went off without a hitch today!  Yay!  

My HcG levels were zero.  I have 10 less than 10mm on my left.  I have 15 less than 10mm on my right.  So things look good to start the next cycle.  Johnny and I went to IVP Care this afternoon to pick up the Clo.mid and the Ovi.drel.  I'm taking 2 pills of Clo.mid for 5 nights- 10 pills in all.  Hopefully it's a bit more effective than last time.  Then, on the 23rd - Wednesday of next week - I'm going in for my follow up blood and u/s.  Hopefully that shows that I have follicles that are responding well to the Clo.mid.  I should then be able to take the Ovidrel soon after that.  Hopefully before I go back to work on the 28th.  That's my hope.  :)  Then this means that I can potentially know if I'm pregnant or not by Mother's Day!  Woohoo.  I hope and hope and hope that things work out and that this works!  I'm so excited and optimistic, but I'm trying to play it cautious, but it's hard not to be so hopeful after the last cycle ended the way it did.  It's tangible and possible... it worked, only it didn't.  :)  If that makes sense.  So I'm hoping and wishing on all of the fake birthday cakes that my kids make for me at school.  

And  so here I say good bye.  Update can be expected in about a week and a half!  Unless something more exciting happens before then... 

I don't even know anymore...

As always things are totally confusing around these parts.  

I was supposed to go to the doctors on Friday morning for bloodwork.  I was on my way... I left home at 6:20am.  Usually I leave here around 6:50am to get to work for 7:20am ish.  Anyways, it took me over an hour to get to get Rt. 129.  I didn't get there until almost 7:35!!  Then I still had the rest of the way to get to work.  Needless to say I didn't make it to the doctors on Friday.  Instead I went Saturday morning.  I went at 8:30am ish.  I had my blood taken.  La la la ... fine.

So... as always they called me and again this time started... "Well...."  I hate that.  So, I can't take the medicine.  I'm not starting Provera.  Why?  Because my progesterone levels are up to 5... either indicating that I had ovulated awhile ago and they were on their way back down or I just did and they were on their way up.  I haven't freakin' ovulated on my own in YEARS.  Not months... years!  Ahhhhhh.

Anyways, as before it's kind of an "up in the air" kind of thing... we don't know what's going on and I'm just supposed to WAIT.  I'm so FREAKIN sick of waiting!  So I'm supposed to wait until I get my period again.  But I hate waiting.  Plus I feel so WEIRD.  Before last time... with the whole not pregnant/pregnant thing .... I felt weird.  And I feel weird again.  Tired, nausea, headache, blah, blah, blah.  I hate this.  I feel like I don't ever know what's going on.  So as always I want to take a pregnancy test, but I hate the negative test thing.  

So... we wait.  That's the name of the game.   Right?  

Starting the next round

Tomorrow marks 30 freakin' days.

I still can't believe how completely fast these past 30 days have gone.   I mentioned that to Johnny and he said it had gone slow.  It seems fast to me though.  Fast, but not fast enough.  So tomorrow I'm going to call RSC and get the ball rolling again.  I'll probably go in for Pro.vera bloodwork tomorrow (I assume...) and then in a week and a half or so (April 3rd-8th I'm guessing) I'll be going in for Day 3 bloodwork and ultrasound... and then Clo.mid... and then a week and then testing and monitoring for a few days... then Ovi.drel... then pregnancy test!!  

Today was Easter and we went to Jean and Walt's.  Jenny was there with the babies.  I was admittedly out of it and a little down.  There have been so many babies lately (pregnancies, talk of babies, the kids at Sarah's yesterday, Gracie & Emily...) and it's been kind of upsetting.  I KNOW I shouldn't let it bother me, but it just does.  A lot.  So... I don't know how long I'll be able to go through this without telling someone else.  Someone who cares.  If this cycle fails I really don't know how I'll deal with it.  I dealt remarkably well with the whole not pregnant-then miscarriage thing.   But it's there in the back of my head.  I need this to work. ...

Jeeze,  I don't want to even read what I wrote.  It probably makes no sense.

Twists and Turns

Obviously on Wednesday I was told that I wasn't pregnant.  What they didn't tell me was that my hCG level was 2.8.  I'm not sure entirely what that means... but lower than 2 is considered not pregnant.  And they just rounded down to say that I wasn't pregnant.  Okay.  No big deal.  

Enter Saturday- Day 1.  I was in a ridiculous amount of pain- so much that I actually had to *gasp* take meds and use a hot water bottle.  I have NEVER had to do that before.  Well the water bottle... the meds a little.  But just because I'm wimpy.  I was NOT being wimpy on Saturday.  So anyways, I asked the Drs. that I be able to go in for my u/s and blood on Day 2 (Sunday) to make life easier for myself on Monday- the first day of Work to Rule craziness.  So... moving on.

Sunday morning (today actually!) I went to RSC with Johnny at 9:30 for blood and u/s.   My u/s wasn't technically scheduled until 11:15am, but we were out of there by 10am- they took us early.  :)  So, the blood SUCKED.  The lady only poked me one time, but she did it in the most painful way ever.  I think she went in sideways, but Johnny claims she didn't.  I swear, a fraction of an inch more and the needle would have been out of my arm.  But I digress.  Blood went fine and the u/s went fine.  The u/s nurse didn't narrate or anything, but she didn't seem nervous or anything, so I guess it all went well.

This afternoon at around 12:30pm Chris from RSC called (though my phone was still silenced from RSC, so I didn't get to it until 2pm-ish) and left me a l-o-n-g complicated message.  She said that on Wednesday my hCG (hGC?) was at 2.8*.  (* because I don't know the measurement)  She said that a - pregnancy test is reserved for less than 2, and a "strong" + is reserved for 100 or above.  I guess the 3-99 is for advancing pregnancies?  Anyways, Wed. I was a 2.8 (almost a negative) and yet today for some reason I was at 8.8.  In 4 days I had gained 6-whatevers although I wasn't pregnant.  Or so they though.  This being said, they still don't know exactly what is going on or went on... but I can't start meds.  And I go back to RSC for blood on Tuesday.

I guess she said the levels may suggest a few things... a chemical pregnancy (very early miscarriage), maybe some kind of weird pregnancy, or an ectopic pregnancy (though she said this would be VERY unlikely with the numbers).  But this brings me back to my severe pain on Saturday- does that tell us anything??

But thinking about it... if it was a miscarriage or something like that... I'm so glad they told me I wasn't pregnant on Wednesday.  SO GLAD.  It hurt and it sucked and I had convinced myself I was pregnant (because, well, I may have been!), but I got over the sadness of it pretty quickly.  :)  I cried for 10 minutes and then I was myself again- ready to face the next round of treatment.  If I had thought- even just for a few days- that I was REALLY officially pregnant, and then started my period on Saturday I would have been DEVASTATED.  There's just no way around it.     But alas, I'm okay and just a bit curious about what on earth is going on in my crazy body.

And I leave myself with a question- according to online hCG research, levels increase so much in the first days that you can have a positive pregnancy test 3-5 days before your period.  And then the levels just increase from there.  Why were my levels so low 3 days before my period, but then continued to INCREASE as my period went on??  Let's see how things go on Tuesday.  

But this does give Johnny and I hope.  Even if the pregnancy was a miscarriage or something didn't quite work, we know a few things.  1) I dropped an egg!!  2) It was fertilized somehow.  So now I'm just left to hope some more.  :)

And back to school tomorrow!  :)

Sitting, waiting...

It's strange how infertility makes life so much about waiting.  

I consider myself pretty proactive... I try to get things done when they need to be done.  I don't usually stop until things are done.  However, infertility isn't like that.  Or at least not in the same way.  It's blood test... wait.  U/S... wait.  Usually it's only a few days so it's not so bad.  You feel like you're getting things done.  However, this last week has been TORTURE.  Waiting for the past week has been no fun.  I still have another whole week to wait.  I can't wait... and I feel myself getting so excited, anxious, jittery... everything.  I just hope and pray and wish and cross my fingers that it will be positive.  I know that I don't want to have to go through this whole things again... it takes well over 1 month just for one cycle.  

Sooo I continue to wait.  :)

Moving on...

We took the ovi.drel (I still have a nice little bruise from it 5 days later-- I took it Tuesday).  Now I'm taking the progesterone and we just wait until the 20th... I'm so nervous and excited at the same time.  I  *hope* *hope* *hope* it works.... AHH.  So, crossing fingers and just hoping to get through the next week and  a half without getting my period.  :)  Nervous to the maxissimo.