Tuesday, December 30

IUI + 1 week

The hubster and I have been having a relaxing couple of days.  We're both on vacation, so it's been late morning wake ups, lots of doing whatever we feel like, and then lots of relaxing in the evening and going to bed way too late.  Only to repeat the scenario the next day.  :)

So, as far as me, I am feeling weird.  Very, very weird.  I don't know how to explain it and I am trying desperately not to read into it because the IUI was only ONE week ago, but it's really, really hard not to read in to it.  

So, to be diplomatic, I'm going to say that, at this point, I have no expectations of this cycle working or not working.  I'm hoping it will, but I know it can go either way and I'm fine with that.

Off the record, however, I will say that I am pretty confident that it did work.  I think it worked and I think it worked well.  But, again, if anyone asks I didn't ever say that.  And I will abruptly bite my tongue if there is only 1 line on Tuesday.

EDIT:  I will edit to say that I have been "pretty confident" for about 50% of the cycles thus far.  And see where that's gotten me.  :)  But still, I really am pretty confident.

Saturday, December 27

When we got pregnant back in October, we only told a few people... our parents and 2 friends.  One friend lives far away and we don't get to talk to her often.  When Johnny called to let her know, he said her response was "I was hoping that was what you were going to say!"  So, this caught us a little off guard because we had been very guarded about the whole baby-process.  As far as 99% of people knew, we weren't trying at all.  Why would she be hoping for that?  So we just assumed that she had read about things on here because I comment on her blog occasionally.  Maybe she just jumped here?

So, we left it at that.  Then, when things went badly back at the end of October, the calls to tell our parents were really hard.  So, instead of calling this friend, Johnny decided to just leave her a message on Facebook.  Perhaps not the best way to share the information, but at that point we were trying to protect ourselves-- neither one of us could say it again, so a message seemed to be the way to go.  Now, 2 months later, we never got a reply from her, but we just assumed that she didn't know what to say.  And, we've been playing phone-tag for the past two months, too.  

Finally, a few weeks ago, I sent a message to her to ask for her address.  She send me a message back and in the message I received a "I'm SO happy for you!".   When I got that, I was floored.  What did she mean?  What was she happy about?  ... of course I could only think of one thing.  I replied back, but didn't mention the comment.  Johnny said that he was VERY clear in the message and she has clearly been on Facebook since (she sent me a message!)  How could she miss it?

So, then today we got our Christmas card from her that says "We're SO happy for you guys!"  

Oh, jeeze.  There's really no denying that there really is only one thing this can be about.  So, needless to say, Johnny is not looking forward to this particular phone call.  

Thursday, December 25

Merry Christmas!!!!

Wednesday, December 24

IUI Update

Merry Christmas Eve!

Just taking a minute from baking to update about the IUI today... 

So, I'm still nervous about my follicles, BUT we got good news with Johnny's sample today!  Woohoo... here it is... or what we could remember of it.  To start, it was the best it has been...

Volume: 4.5
Motility: 79% (wanted over ... 50% maybe?)
Abnormal: 49% (wanted under 70%)
Forward Progression: 3 (woohoo-- it's only been 2 up until now!)
Total Motile: (hold on to your hats!) 209 million! (wanted over 10 million)

Overall, I'm very happy with those stats!  Coupled with hopefully a few healthy follicles and some Christmas magic, January 7th should prove to be a happy beta day.  :)  Of course I'll test on January 6th.  :)

Hope everyone else is having a wonderful Christmas Eve.  :)  

Tuesday, December 23

Merry Christmas Presents!

Today was the last day of school before vacation, so I received a mass of presents from my fabulous students.  Apparently there is a consensus around these parts that Kindergarten teachers love chocolate and coffee.  Because 95% of my gifts were chocolate and/or Dunkin Donuts gift cards.  Unfortunately I do not like either.  :)  The hubby is happy to have the DD gift cards and the chocolate is going to be regifted to various family members who enjoy it.  :)

The point, however, is one of the few non-chocolate/coffee related gifts came from the family in my class dealing with a double dose of cancer right now-- the cousin of the girl in my class and her mother as well.  They gave me a simple card that said "In appreciation of your hard work, we have donated a Monopoly game in your name to the oncology wing at Children's Hospital in Boston."  I was so touched-- I would give up every Christmas present from now on if all the parents would do something like this.  :)

Merry Christmas!

Tomorrow AM I have to wake up early to bake, then go to the IUI at 10 (well, Johnny has to be there at 10, they don't really need me until 11), come back and bake some more, then go to the family Christmas party at 5 til who knows when (I'm assuming we will not be back here until 2am at the earliest...).  Oh well, it's Christmas and I have over a week of relaxing ahead of me, so I can't complain!  :)

Monday, December 22

In some strange way, this cycle doesn't even feel real.  I'm not sure why-- there have actually been more blood draws and ultrasounds than before, but it kind of feels like it has all gone too quickly.  

Maybe it's because there hasn't really been any waiting time... we've been in an out of RSC so often that it hasn't quite felt the same.  I don't know.  As a result, I don't think I'm holding too much hope for this cycle.  Of course I hope and pray that it will work... I guess I'm just expecting it not to.  Is that bad?  

Christmas Eve marks 2 years to the day that we decided to start trying.  I personally had wanted to start before... maybe August 12th, perhaps?  :)  Johnny was a little more practical and wanted to do a little waiting.  But I can still remember it... I had been egging him on for weeks about starting, but of course I couldn't be secretive and just stop taking the pill on my own.  So I had to wait for the agreement.  We went to Johnny's parents house for his family Christmas party like we do every Christmas Eve.  We didn't really even talk much that night... he was doing his thing and I was doing my thing.  After everyone left, we opened gifts with his parents and brother.  Then, as we were driving back to our place we both had the same feeling.  We wanted to start.  We were ready and the timing was right.  In our naive heads we were thinking baby for Christmas 2007.  We were sadly mistaken, but I can still remember the joy and hope that we were filled with that drive home.  Granted, I had a feeling it wouldn't work as easily as we hoped, but we were still SO hopeful and optimistic.  I don't think we stopped smiling for days.  It was our little secret and we couldn't wait to share it with other people.

So, now, 2 years later, I wish I could recapture that sense of hope and optimism.  It's still there... it's just buried under medical terminologies and statistics and hurt.  

But I can't hope but be a little optimistic.  Even though this cycle doesn't quite seem real and I don't find myself eagerly anticipating the IUI quite as much as usual, the date of the IUI marks exactly 2 years from the date we decided to start.  There's got to be something in that, right?  :)

And the really cool thing, if this all works out, my due date would be September.  Not that I'm getting ahead of myself or anything...  Why is that cool?  I think I had mentioned before the grandparents-grandchildren birthday thing my mom had told me about.  And my mom is a September baby.

As I type this, I think I've discovered the reason this hasn't felt real... I don't think I really gave myself time to think about the IUI... I was just concentrating on injections and timing and blah blah blah.  Now, as I type about it and think about it, I feel myself getting incredibly excited... nervous, hopeful.  You know the feelings.  :)

Here's to a happy 2 weeks and a very happy new years present.  :) 
Today I went in for blood work.  Again, they played the "let's find treasure in your arm" game.  It's a little tiring, but slush is life.  Anyways, my Estradiol shot up to over 400.  Which means I'm ovulating.  Which means we need to trigger tonight.  Which means the IUI is Wednesday.

This is all a little annoying.  I'm a little nervous about the little follicles.  I don't know if they're ready... they weren't yesterday, and with the idea that they only grow about 2mm a day, then my biggest would only be at 17mm... not quite big enough.  Plus, not to be greedy, but I was really hoping to have more than 1 ready.  

Oh, well, IUI is Wednesday AM at 11, so we're triggering with the Ovidrel tonight between 9 and 10.  I'm hoping, but cautiously.  I don't want to be hurt again.  


Sunday, December 21

Last post for the night, I swear.  

BUT, school is CANCELLED tomorrow!!!  WOHOOOO!

I still have blood in the AM, but I'm so excited!  

Only a half day Tuesday!  But I do miss my kids terribly right now!  It's going to be a long vacation.
I just injected myself with the pen!  Wooohoo and I did a pretty good job if I do say so myself.  It did take me about 10 minutes to get myself to do it, but I did it.  :)
I have a knack for making things happen by saying that I am waiting for them.

So, of course, 2 seconds after posting the last post, I got my call from RSC... 

Here's the rundown...

LH is at 2.91
Estrogen is at 327

I am to do another injection of 75 units tonight with a blood draw in the AM.  Just blood this time.  Then I'll either trigger tomorrow night or I will have to go in again on Tuesday AM for blood and u/s.

My follicles are looking like I have one at 15mm, three at 12mm, and then a few 11mm.  Looks likes I will *crossing fingers* have more than 1 mature follicle when I trigger.  Honestly I'll take what I can get... but 2 would be really nice.  :)

Looks like the IUI is looking to be Wednesday or Thursday.  

Merry Christmas :)

Oh, and that injection tonight?  It will be done by my own capable hands.  As mentioned, my hubby is away at a basketball game... Oh jeeze.
It's snowing like crazy.  There are inches upon inches covering cars that were cleared off mere-hours ago.  The roads are white and snow covered.  So, what does my darling husband decide to do?  That's right, drive through this crazy weather to get to his Celtics game.  Can't pass up free tickets, huh?  

So I'll be on egg-shells all night until he's back.  And I still haven't gotten my call from RSC, so that's not helping my nerves.  

Where would you go?

Because given the choice, this is the only place I would go...

It's amazing how easy it is to miss it. And even more amazing is how much I miss it after so long. But I do find it sad that I can't quite remember all of the names of all the kids...

I miss sitting in the sun by the Opera House just people watching. I miss strolling to Darling Harbour and poking into all of the little shops. I miss hearing "No worries" and "Good on ya, mate." I miss jetting off on the weekends to random locations-- Melbourne and Tasmania and Uluru and Canberra and the Blue Mountains. The beaches, the sun, the people, the friends...

Just a little fit of nostalgia hitting me. :P And maybe others can appreciate this...

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
12 sulfur crested cockatoos
11 shark attacks
10 dingoes dancing
9 Tasmanian devils
8 mista wombats
7 platypi swimming
6 crocodiles
5 kangaroooooos
4 spiny echidnas
3 emus squawking
2 koala bears
and a kookaburra in a gum treeee

Yes, we did come up with that song all by ourselves... while strolling to the Harbour to see Sonic welcome Santa. :)
Friday's storm ended up being snow-tastical. Luckily we got out of school at noon... and the snow didn't start until a little bit before 3. :) Yay. So I got home with no problem. Then, I was going to head down to visit my parents Saturday night and spend the night, but with my blood and u/s appointment on Sunday morning that wasn't practical. Johnny really wanted me to invite my mom to go with me (I think he really just wanted to get out of going :P), but with the snow and the fact that we're getting another ton of snow right now, that didn't really work out. Oh, well. I was supposed to go to a friend's party today... but she lives an hour away and I am too much of a wimp to drive in the snow. :) So, instead, I'm sitting here, relaxing, wasting time and enjoying the peace. :) Johnny's going to a Celtic's game with his cousin later on tonight, so I'll have a nice relaxing night. Then, I'm kind of hoping that tomorrow will have school cancelled... most likely won't happen, but it would be nice. If they were to cancel tomorrow, there would be no reason for them to open for a half day on Tuesday, right? heehee

As for the doctors this AM... I'm still waiting for the official call, but for once I really don't know what they'll have me do. :) I had a new u/s tech who didn't tell me anything about what she was seeing.. instead she made a lot of small talk about Christmas and the weather. But before we left Johnny asked what the biggest one was... and she said it was a 15mm one on my right side. Hm... once again, my left was being lazy. It had the "big" one 3 days ago, but now it has decided to give up. Typical. :) So I will see what this means when she calls me.

And that's all about that. :)

Thursday, December 18

I hate winter driving.

We had a huge ice storm around here on Friday- thankfully we didn't lose power, but the driving was slushy, icy, and annoying. It took me about an hour to get to school-- usually it's about 35 minutes.

Yesterday we had a small snowstorm and it took me 1 hour and 20 minutes to get to school.

Tomorrow we're having a big storm and they have already decided school will be closed at 12pm. Which is fine, but last year we had a huge storm and I left at 12 and it took me almost 5 hours to get home. I only like 23 miles from school!!

So, I am not looking forward to tomorrow. I am hoping and praying that school is cancelled or that the snow doesn't show up until later.


On another note, I went in for blood and u/s this am. I have 0 over 10mm on my right and 1 at 12mm on my left. I'm continuing with 75 for 3 more days and then I go in again on Sunday. We'll see!

Wednesday, December 17

Wisdom ...

Words of Wisdom (because I am so wise)

When you're about to be injected in the stomach with meds, do NOT laugh, no matter how hilarious your husband is being. You might end up being poked 3 times because you weren't holding still. :)

I currently have a little triangle of pin pricks on my stomach from laughing too much. :) Can't help it if he's funny.

Monday, December 15

Just found out today that one of the moms in my class has breast cancer. Her nephew is the one I'd mentioned awhile ago with lymphoma.

Why are things so unfair for some people?

And how do you explain this to a 5 year old?

And why do things like this always have to happen so close to the holidays?

Cycle 7 Day 7

As we figured, we're upping the dose of GonalF and I go back on Thursday AM at 6:30.

So, really, nothing new has happened. It took 3 tries to get blood and now I look like I've been abused-- but only in the crooks of my arms... really gross blueish-greenish-purpley bruises. I had 0 follicles that decided to up their size-- they're all just hanging out daring me to make them grow. So, we'll try with 75 for the next 3 nights. Take that follicles! :)

Saturday, December 13

Cycle 7 Day 5

So, things have been going well. :) It's the weekend.

I've had an awful, horrible backache for the last day or so. I always tend to have a back that hurts-- I attribute it to being on my feet all day long and also to the years of babysitting and holding the kids and arching my back. But it's been SO much worse. As in, I can't roll over in bed without it hurting, I can't sit on the couch without it hurting, etc. I looked up the adverse reactions to the GonalF and in the study 2 people had back pain. Is that what it's from? :P Oh well, that's all about that! I'm sure it will get better.

Other than that, Johnny's been doing a good job doing the injectables. Needles aren't my favorite, but he makes them okay. It also doesn't hurt that the needle is so tiny.

Only 6.5 days left of school until vacation. In that time we have random Holiday Show practices, the rehearsal, making gingerbread houses, the actual show, Elf Day, the Christmas show, 2 gym classes, 2 music classes, library, health, and art. Yes, not much learning is going to go on before Christmas. :)

Thursday, December 11

Cycle 7 Day 3 Down

Went to the doctors today for blood and ultrasound. The ultrasound was A-okay. I have 7 less than 10mm on my right and 10 less than 10mm on my left. Blood was annoying as usual, but I got through it. (With a nice little bruise... but through it just the same!)

Today we got the meds too, so I started GonalF this evening. We're only starting with 37.5, so it didn't seem like much. It will be interesting to see how things are looking when I go back in on Monday AM at 6:30.

I wish I knew how this would play out. Back on Clomid I could have banked on either a Dec 24th or Dec 25th IUI. Now I'm not so sure and I'm a little nervous about the timing. I know we will work everything out though... and there is no point getting worried.

On an unrelated note, we had craft day at school today. An ink pad kind of exploded (I didn't know it was possible... but it is!) so I look a little bit like a smurf. And it would be hard to convince someone who has never been in my classroom that one of my tables wasn't always blue. :)

Tuesday, December 9


I have blood and u/s scheduled for 6:30am on Thursday. I've ordered the meds and they will be in on Thursday.

I am incredibly happy and full of hope. :) The IUI should be right around Christmas. A Christmas miracle perhaps?

And on other news, I'm going to see The Grinch Who Stole Christmas tomorrow at the Wang Center with my little darlings! So excited!


I made the call. Though I now seem to have been a little over-anxious.

Day 1 has made it's appearance, so it's in for blood and u/s on Thursday!

*Huge sigh* I feel better already.

Monday, December 8

There, I did it!

So I made the call.

Aren't you proud?

Back to school tomorrow! It was a fun mini-break, but I miss the kids!

Saturday, December 6

Major freak out moments... :)

So, I recently received the following message from a friend in response to my current life situation and the past few crappy months...

"I understand how it can be frustrating to be ready for your life to move on to the next step and feel like you can't force it to go where you want it to be. I find myself looking at rings everytime I get a sales flyer, or going out of my way to drop hints that I think super expensive engagement rings are pointless, or repeating the comment back to Dan every time someone teases me about when are we going to get married.... because I have already decided what my answer will be if/when he asks me, so I just want him to ask already! It kind of spoils special occasions, because instead of enjoying the anticiaption of milestone or events, I keep thinking to myself, is he going to ask when we move in together? how about on my birthday? on our anniversary? on our trip to Mexico in January?"

I didn't respond because I didn't know how to respond. Was she comparing my inability to get pregnant to being proposed to?

I have deleted all the other stuff I had to only say that she called on Saturday night to say that she is engaged. Does that mean it's my turn next? :)

And the other part of why I'm feeling this way may also be that we're edging dangerously close to out 2 year mark and I am FREAKING THE HECK OUT. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think we would get here. But as we're getting ready to say hi to Christmas and to wave in 2009 I have to realize that we ARE here. There is no way we can have good news in 2008. Nadda. And as we head to 2 years, I'm starting to freak out just a little that it won't happen for a long time. I mean, it took almost 2 years to get that first positive. So, what if I have to wait almost another 2 years for the second? I don't think I can do that.

And, as much as I'm anxious to get back to RSC to move on, I haven't been able to make the call. I should have made it a WEEK ago, but I haven't been able to. And I don't know why. It's not helping anything by not calling... but I just haven't been able to. I think it might have to do with the fact that I do not know how many more months I can go and get my hopes up only to be let down.

So, in response to my question way back almost a year ago when I wanted to know if it gets easier, I guess I'd have to say yes it does and no it doesn't. It does because you know what to expect and you know "there's always next month". And now I have my own happy little support group, so that helps a little. But it doesn't because, at least for me, the time has become almost as damaging as the negatives. And, yeah, the one line-ers on the HPTs still really suck too.

Friday, December 5


So, I was stupid. And despite everything I knew, I let a little bit of hope creep in. Okay, to be fair... it was a lot of hope. You know when you attribute everrrry single thing to the possibility?

But I took the HPT and it was negative. Ouch.

So I continue to wait... where the hell is Day 1? Guess I'll be calling RSC tomorrow to get moving. But I don't want to take provera. That would push us back by another 2 weeks at least.

There's more I want to write, but I'm not really in the mood. I'll check back later. :)

Tuesday, December 2

First, I'll start by saying that I absolutely cannot believe that it is December. That. Is. Crazy.

I was just searching through iPhoto trying to find pictures to put on our Writer's Workshop chart at school. I should have honestly done this 2 months ago... but I keep forgetting. Now I am being observed doing my WW lesson tomorrow, so I want to play it up. Anyways, as I'm looking at the pictures from September and October I was floored. It already seems like such a long time ago. As everyone who has read this knows, 5 of my kids left my class in the end of Oct because of AYP craziness. It really wasn't THAT long ago. But looking at the photos makes it seem like a different world. The last batch of photos I have with those 5 kids are from right before Halloween.

Mixed in with the snapshots of the Haunted House creations were the positive pregnancy test photos. All 34 of them. Yes, I was photo happy.

It seems like it was a different world. In a way it's kind of nice that my classroom has changed so much in that month. Not because I didn't like the kids, but for two reasons. 1-- it's kept me busy. It has (mostly) kept my mind off of things I didn't want to think about. And 2, I guess it makes me feel like not everything stayed the same while our lives momentarily collapsed. I know one was not related to the other, but I'm not sure I could have dealt with losing the pregnancy and then seeing everything move along like nothing happened.

So, I guess, in some weird way, I'm thinking the change was good. I mean, losing 5 kids seriously bummed me out. I felt like it was some kind of reflection on me (which, logically I know isn't the case...). But they left, we moved on, changed up the room, and have been having a ton of fun in the classroom. So I guess it proves that even sucky situations can become positive if you let them.

So, here's for our positive. I'm still waiting (im)patiently for Day 1. I have been having weird burny/crampy feelings on my right side for about 2 days now. (ALWAYS on the RIGHT!!!) So I'm waiting with baited breath and trying my best not to get my hopes up that it could really be a miraculous positive.

And, though I know I will vehemently deny this later, but I actually kind of MISS RSC right about now! Not the specifics of course--- this whole process would be more fun without needles and ultrasounds and 6am appointments. But I guess I miss what it means... I miss the hope and the feeling like I am doing everything in my power to make it happen. Months of waiting are just...nothing. It's true, there's not really the same level of pain that you get from the negative in the end, but there's no degree of hope either. Because you know it can't ALWAYS be negative. Bleh. Yeah, I'll even take an occasional blood draw over just W.A.I.T.I.N.G.

"And how can two people who built a loving home
Try for years and never have a child of their own
When somewhere out there tonight
There's a baby no one is holding tight
In need of love
To me that don't add up..."