Tuesday, October 26
Our test day was today at 12dp3dt. (15dpo) Obviously we have known this since the transfer day. BUT Johnny and I decided to tell our families that we couldn't test until after Halloween so that they wouldn't be asking us about the results before we were ready to tell them. We had plans of going to see them the Saturday before Halloween in Colby's costume. Then we were going to tell them that he had another costume on underneath. His costume would come off to show a shirt that said "Big Brother" and everyone would be so happy. YAY!...
Now back to our reality...
Saturday: 9dp3dt (12dpo)
In the AM Johnny took Colby out to go pick up some tests so that I could sleep for an extra 20 minutes. He got home and I took the first test. Two perfect pink lines. YES! We were pregnant!! It worked. So happy! :) Immediately I decided that I didn't want to wait until NEXT Saturday. We were already heading to my parents house for dinner so it seemed like the perfect timing. We made a detour to Carter's to find a "Big Brother" shirt. The smallest one we could find was 2T (because apparently you're not supposed to be a Big Brother until you're 2). We grabbed the cutest one we could find and dressed Colby in it and put his vest over it.
When we got to my parents house I told my mom that Colby was too hot and asked her to take off his vest. She takes it off and... NO reaction! Johnny and I spend the next 10 minutes trying to hint at the shirt to my mom, dad, brothers, and sister-in-law. And NO ONE GOT IT. So finally, I had to be very direct and everyone was happy. :)
Then my other brother and my almost-sister-in-law came over. And we played the whole vest-hot-take-it-off thing again. And they were CLUELESS too! So much for my awesome plan! Oh well... :)
Then later on that evening we popped by Johnny's parents to drop off something. Johnny asked them to meet us in the car and told them "Look at the awesome shirt we just got for Colby!" His mom looks at it and says "Oh, Big Brother. That's cute. He'll be so confused." and then walks over and kisses Colby. NO REACTION from her or Johnny's dad. SO we have to explain it to them too!
In the end... no one got it from seeing it. It is probably our fault because (1) we told them we wouldn't know for a week and (2) Colby's always in Little Brother stuff and it probably didn't register.
Sunday: 10dp3dt (13dpo)
Another positive test even more beautiful than the last!
Monday: 11dp3dt (14dpo)
And another- because it was a three pack afterall! Am exhausted and queasy all day.
Tuesday: 12dp3dt (15dpo)
As a comparison before you get my results... with the twins in 09 at 13dp3dt (16dpo) I had a Beta of 658.
Today, at 12dp3dt or 15dpo, I had a Beta of .......... 730.
I was told that "In a perfect world the beta would be between 100 and 200." I also can start doing the PIO injections once every other day!
Holy cow. So... we wait to see the levels rise. I go back on Monday, Nov. 1. Then we wait to see what we have growing inside.
It hasn't hit me yet. I feel it. I'm already EXHAUSTED and queasy all day. But the fact that I'm having another baby? That hasn't struck yet. But we will make it as close to full-term as they will let me. I really hope we will!
Tuesday, October 19
IBack when Colby came home I would think what it would be to have two infants. Two babies crying at the same time who needed mommy. Two babies to be changed. Two babies to bathe. Two babies to put to bed.
It would be overwhelming and I would be that much more tired.
But now we're out of that phase. Colby loves to play by himself just as much as he likes a play buddy. He is daring and energetic and happy and talking and just such a perfect toddler.
Now I catch myself as I'm sitting on the floor. Colby will be pushing his truck across the floor and I wonder just for moment what it would be like to have two toddlers. How would they play together? Would they love to do everything together? Would they be more bonded to each other than to me?
And I want it so badly because I'm meant to have two toddlers right now. Two boys just over 1 year old. Two boys to cuddle and kiss and giggle with.
Only I'm not meant to have two toddlers right now. Instead I have a perfect, healthy toddler who is so much cuter and smarter and funnier than I ever dreamed of. And we all have a perfect angel watching over us.
Sunday, October 17
Today is the boys' 1 year due date. Crazy. AND I could be pregnant again! (Well, I am for the time being, right?)
I could hold and cuddle my baby boy today! Well, my toddler. It was wonderful... I missed him and I like to think he missed me. He was glued to me all day long.
We got the final letter from the clinic today. (Well, yesterday, but we didn't check the mail.) Zero embryos to freeze. I'm in disbelief a little bit. We started with 22 possible follicles. That's a huge number, right? But then ended up with 8 from the left and the pain of a ridiculously swollen right side. Then of those 8, only 5 fertilized. And then 3 continued to grow normally. And then we put back 2 slow-growers (and are crossing our fingers!) and the last one didn't make it more than another day or 2. Just like I said last time... I can't figure out how people get pregnant on their own.
Off to bed, reality starts again tomorrow. I had a 1 day work week last week. (Mon=holiday, Tues=rest day, Wed= work, Thurs=transfer, Fri=rest again!) Every week should be like that!
Saturday, October 16
I am so happy that we did this IVF. But some parts aren't so much fun.
Like the waiting. AHHH I hate waiting. It's been 2 days since the transfer, but it feels like it has been 2 months. JUST TELL ME ALREADY.
And like the sore injections. My back/hip/butt area is killing me. I know it's because I don't massage or use heat enough, but I don't really have time. So instead I deal with the constant ache. Only *hopefully* 11 more weeks left? :)
But the worst?
Not being able to pick him up.
Here he is trying to climb up my pant leg.
It is the WORST.
It's actually kind of nice to get to sleep (Sorry, Johnny, you have to be in charge. I can't lift Colby for 72 hours!) but I miss our cuddles and picking him up and bath and stories and everything. Last night he went to be late, so he was mighty cranky. All he wanted was MAMA! He was crying and reaching for me, but I couldn't do it because I can't put him in his crib.
It's tearing my heart out. I feel like I'm already choosing this new (hopefully) baby over Colby. And I hate that. I sat on the stairs crying while he finally calmed down with Johnny.
I need my baby. And tomorrow marks 72 hours!
Thursday, October 14
For the sake of argument, I am currently pregnant.
I like writing that.
The transfer was completed around 11 am this morning.
I spent all last night worrying about 1 or 2 embryos. I couldn't decide. Eventually I decided that I would leave it up to the embryos. If I had a great embryo I would put back 1 only. And if they were just okay, then I would put back 2.
We got there around 10am and started drinking. Last time I drank 7 (yes, 7) glasses of water. I thought I would DIE by the time my hour was up and the transfer was completed. (Then I was worried that I would accidentally pee on the doctor...) And it KILLS me that the doctor decides to talk to you about your embryos AFTER you're already so full you could explode! I get why they do it (it's the only time they have the time to sit and talk) but come on... I don't want to wait one more second than I have to! :)
So, this time I only drank 4 glasses of water and they only had me wait 45 minutes. (YES!) We went back, they decided that I was sufficiently full and they even let me reduce some of the fullness. (YES again!)
I went into the actual transfer thinking I would have to fight for my right to put back 2 embryos (if needed) but the doctor was all on board. The embryologist had already put 2 embryos into the catheter.
The doctor came in and talked to us about the embryos. We had three that were still growing. As a comparison, our two embryos last time were:
8 cell, grade A fragmentation (0-5%), and fair symmetry
6 cell, grade B fragmentation (5-15%), and fair symmetry
This time, we were a little disappointed... we had:
4 cell, grade A fragmentation, fair symmetry
5 cell, grade B fragmentation, fair symmetry
4 cell, grade B fragmentation, fair symmetry
We ended up putting back 2 embryos because they were growing so much slower. The doctor (who wasn't "mine" but was instead the doctor there that day) said that the slower growth might simply be because our transfer was at 11am this time and it was at 3pm last time. Maybe the 4 hours made a difference? Either way, our fingers are crossed and I am hoping that it works. (And that I didn't make the wrong decision by putting 2 back... I know it doesn't mean that it WILL work and that it doesn't mean we WILL have twins gain, but I can't even think about the possibility of ending up in the NICU again.)
Wednesday, October 13
Transfer day is set for tomorrow!
I'm a little bummed that it's tomorrow because I had such high hopes for a great cycle with lots of eggs and lots of embryos to freeze, but that's not quite what happened. I know that amazing things can come from a 3 day transfer (the boys!), though.
We had 8 eggs on Monday. Then 5 fertilized and we had the 5 yesterday. Of those, 3 are growing normally. 3. I am so happy and thankful for those three, but it's not quite what I expected. (but then again, I guess none of the baby-stuff from 2006 onward has been what I expected!)
But I need opinions... my doctor suggested we put back 1 embryo, but was willing to leave it up to me. There is no certain evidence that twins led to their prematurity. It could have been a whole host of things. So, we were between 1 and 2. Then my doctor quit and I was unceremoniously transferred to another doctor in the clinic. All along I've had some issues with being switched (I generally am not a fan of his nursing team) but we have been moving right along. Now, a day away from the transfer I've been inquiring about how many embryos I can put back. I was told that my new doctor says 1. (because he does not allow more than 1 for anyone under the age of 30) BUT I have the right to make my own decision. If, on transfer day, I insist on transferring 2, then I have to sign a paper saying I am doing it "Against Medical Advice".
So basically I don't know what to do! What are your opinions? I don't want to go through what we did last year. But the idea of it NOT working is so scary. But I also don't want to be selfish and risk the health of a baby/babies by doing the wrong thing. I'm just stuck.
And I really wish my doctor had taken the time to talk to me about this!
Tuesday, October 12
We have 5 zygotes!
I'm still a little annoyed about the whole "right-side-thing," but I have gotten over it and I am focusing on the fact that I really only need 1!
We were set up as a 2/3/5 day flex transfer. With 5 zygotes doing well, we are now a 3/5 day flex. We will know tomorrow if we will be a 3 day transfer on Thursday or a 5 day transfer on Saturday.
I'm very excited... by Halloween we should know if we are (cautiously) expecting a baby!
Monday, October 11
So... we had the retrieval today. We arrived at 8 and I went in at 9.
It was a bit of a let down...
Going in I had 12 possible on the Right and 10 possible on the Left.
I came out and they said they got 8.
Then we asked about my Right side. They couldn't find the right side and they didn't have time so they only did the left. But, "don't worry. 8 is a good number."
Uggh, my right side is killing me still and I'm frustrated because IUI to IVF we had 6 eggs. That was an IUI cycle and we had 6. They were content to get 8 with an IVF cycle. I can only imagine how many they would have gotten if they could access the right side.
And now I'm mad at the nurse who assured me that the right would be absolutely no problem. And kudos to the ultrasound tech.
But, maybe a good thing... the anesthesiologist and the retrieval doctor were the same as last time! Good luck, maybe?
Saturday, October 9
So, it's Saturday night. October 9th. I have stimmed for 9 days. And I just did my HCG trigger at 9pm.
I cannot believe that we're already here.
The retrieval is Monday morning at 9am. This is the best possible schedule we could have hoped for with work. Monday is the holiday, so there is no school. If we have a 5 day transfer, it will be Saturday.
I'm looking forward to no injections for anything for 36 hours. Then bring on the IV, huge IVF needles, and PIO injections.
Here's what we were looking at today...
Right Side Left Side
1 @ 21 2 @ 18
1 @ 19 2 @ 17
2 @ 18 3 @ 14
1 @ 17 3 @ 13
2 @ 16 Total: 10
1 @ 15
2 @ 14
1 @ 13
1 @ 10
So, as you can guess, I am really hoping 2 things:
(1) Some of the lower ones (the 17's, 16's, etc.) will grow over the next 36 hours. I was a little upset they triggered me. I really expected to wait another day or so until I had more around the 18-21mm range.
(2) They can access the right side because those are 12 of my follicles. (And my bigger ones, too!)
Here's to making Colby a Big Brother!
Thursday, October 7
Results from the follicle check this AM.
1 at 15mm
2 at 13mm
3 at 12mm
2 at 11mm
2 at 10mm
+ a few too small to measure
Total Left: 10
1 at 13mm
1 at 12.5mm
4 at 12mm
1 at 11mm
2 at 10mm
+ a few too small to measure
Total Right: 9
I specifically called the nursing line to see what the deal was with my right ovary. Will it be useful even if it doesn't move? The u/s tech again (same one) was talking again about how it wouldn't be reachable... which totally makes sense to me. They find it just a tad below my bellybutton with the external wand. I'm not sure I want a needle all up inside me quite that far... :) The nursing line nurse (not the regular, but an associate) said not to worry; that they would get it no matter what. BUT she also left me a 7 minute disjointed message so I'm not sure I completely believe her. At this point I feel like it will be what it is. I can't change anything. All I can do is hope and pray, so that's what I'm doing.
They bumped GonalF down to 37.5IU tonight. I can't believe that it's so low. I go back tomorrow for blood. I can't believe how close we are getting to the retrieval. I'm so excited and nervous.
I can't believe we're finally here.
We started the Baby #3 journey 6 weeks after the boys were born. (We hoped and prayed, but didn't really expect it to work... and it didn't) Then I met with my OB in April for the go-ahead for Baby #3 and met with RSC in May. So finally... 5 months later we are at the finish line. :)
Wednesday, October 6
A schedule of exhaustion... here's what my days look like now with all that is going on...
5am: Wake up, shower, dry hair, etc. Colby has a sixth sense (or he's just sensitive to my alarm) and always wakes up with me. He plays on the bathroom floor while I shower and plays on our bedroom floor while I get ready. So, of course, getting ready takes 2x as long.
6am: Dress Colby, play on floor downstairs while I finish last minute packing of myself and diaper bag.
6:20am (if we're lucky, 6:30am if we're not): In car en route to Day Care
7:25am: Arrive at Day Care (darn traffic!)
7:35am: Leave a screaming Colby and drive to work (so sad!)
7:50am: Arrive at work, finish up last minute things for the day
8:15am: Kids arrive and day begins
2:40pm: Bell, kids leave
2:50pm: Teachers allowed to leave, finish up last minute things
3:00pm: In car en route to Day Care again
3:15pm: Arrive Day Care, chat about Colby's day, wrestle afternoon snack away from Colby for a kiss
3:25pm: In car en route home
4pm: Home! Play time!
- Though I have a million things for school, if Colby's awake, I'm playing with him. I very, very, very rarely do school work while he's awake. (Unless I have something due that evening that HAS to get done.)
5pm: Make Colby's dinner, feed him
5:30pm: More play! Yay!
7pm: Bath, books, bed
7:45pm (~8pm): Colby's asleep
8pm: Think about dinner for Johnny and I, whip up something fast
8:30pm: Course work, school work, catching up on emails, laundry, wash bottles, etc.
- Every Tuesday I have a paper due for my Assessment Class and a mini-assignment due for Theory
- Every Wednesday I have responses due for my Theory Class
- Every Thursday I have a mini-assignment due for Acquisition
- Every Friday I have responses due for my Assessment and Acquisition Classes
- Every Sunday I have a paper due for my Theory Class
- Every week I have 2-4 chapters of reading for all 3 classes- so between 6 and 12 chapters a week
- Every week I have at least 1 bigger project for each of my classes... this week I had an Assessment Review for Wednesday and a Critical Journal for Monday.
8:45pm: Lupron and GonalF injections
8:46pm: Back to school work until bedtime
11pm-12am: Without fail Colby wakes up at least 1 time
12am: Bed, finally!
~3am: Colby wakes again. If it's before 3:30am I try to get him to go back down in his bed. If it's between 3:30am and 4:30am I bring him to bed in hopes of catching a few more minutes. If it's after 4:30am, we're up for the day.
Tuesday, October 5
Today I had my follicle check. Things were looking okay... looks like I have about 17 follicles all together- still not measurable, but growing. :)
I did learn something a little bothersome though. I mentioned awhile ago that my right ovary was now floating somewhere near my kidney? It's ridiculously high up there and next to impossible to get with the internal ultrasound. They've had to use the external probe to measure my right side.
Well, the ultrasound tech (one I love) told me that, if they can't view it from the internal ultrasound, they won't be able to access it for the IVF. Meaning... if things don't shift a little, I'm working on my IVF from one ovary only. She mentioned that the sheer weight of the follicles might make it more accessible as time goes on, but right now it's not looking too good.
I go back in 2 days for another check. They lowered my GonalF to 112.5IU for tonight and then 75IU for tomorrow. We'll see where we are on Thursday morning. :)
Sunday, October 3
Lately I've been so preoccupied with school (AH, so busy!) and IVF (AH! So excited and nervous!) Sometimes I think I forget on here that some people might want to hear about Colby. :)
Simply put? He is amazing. Absolutely amazing.
I have always loved him. (Obviously) But it wasn't too bad for me to go back to school last April. I missed him a TON, but it was "easy" because I didn't think he knew any different. Now he knows. And he cries. And it's awful. And all I want is to be with him.
Because he is so amazing.
He's so close to walking. He'd rather crawl though, I'm convinced. Or push his Leap Frog table along and walk with that.
We finally figured out how to get him to give us kisses. He was kissing ANYTHING under the sun. I could point to something and could have him kiss the couch, the dog, the phone- anything. But kisses for Mommy or Daddy? Rare. Daddy simply realized that we just have to point to our lips when we ask for a kiss. Ahhh... now a kiss every time. BLISS.
He is amazing.
He's still my peanut. He still wears 6-9 month pants and shirts quite well, but frankly I'm bored with them so I put him in bigger 9-12 month stuff a lot. I tried 12-18 month pants and a shirt yesterday. He was swimming.
I swear that when you look at him you can see the wheels in his head turning. I already say he's going to be an engineer because you can just see him logically figuring things out. We got a lock for the toilet because things were going for a swim. He totally knows how to open it-- his fingers just aren't strong enough yet.
At the same time he's a total daredevil who loves to roll, climb, and launch himself wherever he wants to go. He has no fear.
Every night I put him to bed and stumble down stairs. (Because I inevitably fall asleep lately whenever I'm in his room with him.) And all I can think is how much I want to be playing with him again. I miss him before he's been asleep 10 minutes.
He loves to eat almost anything. Fruit and veggies are definitely his favorite. But he has a sweet tooth and enjoys cake and cookies as well. :)
Every day I remember how fragile life is. I remember what it took to get here. I remember how strong and brave he has been since the day he was born.
And I am so very thankful that I have my amazing miracle to cuddle. I breathe him in and I am complete.
He is amazing.
And he is mine.
Friday, October 1
I keep fluctuating between extreme excitement that I could be pregnant in less than 1 month and absolute terror that I won't be.
The first IUI we did I was devastated when it failed. The only "issue" we having going against us is that I was diagnosed with PCOS and I don't ovulate on my own.. So, I figured that if they knew I had a measurable follicle, they knew that the sperm was looking good, and they placed one right next to the other, well, it had to work. The day I got the call saying that the first IUI didn't work I was in shock. I couldn't fathom how it didn't work. The subsequent IUI's, those I understood that they might not work.
Then we had the IUI to IVF and I knew that was going to work. Or at least, I couldn't understand how it wouldn't. And it did, so I didn't have to worry about that.
So now here we are 2 weeks or so away from the retrieval and transfer and I'm seesawing between absolute certainty and absolute fear. It has to work- it all seems so simple. Place fertilized egg in ready uterus. Wait 9 months. Voila- baby!
But then logic sets in and I know that it's not a guarantee. In fact, statistics tell me that it doesn't happen a lot of the time. And I really am not sure what I'll do if it doesn't. I'm not sure that with all the stress I'm under right now and all we have gone through in the past 1.5 years how I will handle it.
I know, I know... I should be focusing on the good. On the possibility of it working. On the happiness when it does work (because it will some day). But the fear is just waiting to come in and I'm having a hard time keeping it out...