Thursday, November 6

:/

I finally had to tell my co-teacher today that things worked but then they didn't. See, she had known about the IUI and she had asked me about it. She knew exactly when 2 weeks was so she knew exactly when to ask. In fact, she asked the morning of the first beta and the morning after we tested and got three positives. BUT, being cautious, I didn't tell her what I knew. Instead I lied and said that the test was in a couple of days.

So she let it go for awhile, (2 weeks) but she mentioned it again today. And I could have easily said "Oh, it was negative" as I have told her so many times before. But I just couldn't bring myself to do that. Instead I told her we had gotten the positive, lived in bliss for a week, then learned the numbers weren't rising, and that I had just miscarried over the weekend. I was careful not to look at her while saying this. And I was careful to be matter of fact. List the facts, but not to think about it.

And she asked the questions everyone asks... how are you doing? Are you okay? And the answer is, honestly, I'm not. It sucks and I hate it and I dwell on it wayyy too much. But I never admit this to anyone (well, except Johnny and no the three people who are reading this...) instead I say I'm fine and we're moving on and it is what it is because we can't do anything about it and it will happen one day. Is this the right reaction? She mentioned that a mutual friend (the teacher I often refer to that used to work at our school and who had gone through IVF and had it fail) was devastated when the IVF failed (I hadn't known the friend at this time) yet she hadn't gotten a positive yet. Yet, I seemed to be so together after having the bit of hope to cling to.

So I tried to reason through it. We still have 3 rounds of IUI before even thinking about IVF. I'm still only 24-- older than I wanted to be, but still young enough to have my age considered a positive on my side. And if I act like it's not a big deal maybe I will start to believe it for myself.

As usual, I don't really know where I'm going with this. When we were in High School we had to write Stream of Consciousness essays. I feel like I'm just doing that again. :P

On a positive note, I got a card from my fantabulous cousins today. A thinking of you card because of the past weeks. It was a nice gesture. I don't think I have mentioned that these cousins of mine-- the ones who were going through infertility issues of their own-- got pregnant. Back in... August? Maybe...? Somewhere around there at least. It's nice to see something working out. :) Can't wait to see them for Thanksgiving.

1 comment:

YourFansInVA said...

awwww. . .thanks!

And you and Johnny are wayyy young to dwell on it. I know it's impossible to understand the letdown - but don't start thinking about your age, that's crazy-talk.

Sometimes I think you do have to act like it's not a big deal, just to make the time go by easier - because eventually the news WILL be good.