Friday, November 28

As we approach the end of November, I'm getting impatient. VERY impatient. I just want to get moving. I know that the 2 year mark is looming over us, so I guess I'm just anxious to give it one more try before we hit that milestone.

Oh, and if you want to see the movie "Four Christmases", don't read on....

The past few days have been a little tough. We had a great Thanksgiving (I hope everyone else did, too!!) but I think it's just my impatience setting in. I've been on edge about everything. Every little question, decision... you name it... sent me on the verge of tears. I cried while watching "Four Christmases" today... because there were two babies in the movie and because at the end, after NOT WANTING kids the whole movie, the main characters decide "Why not?" and then "one year later" pops up and there they are... with their happy baby in their arms. Ugh.

Saturday, November 22

Ah... as always seems to be the case, things are very boring and uneventful when I'm not in the middle of a cycle. I'm just anxiously waiting... It's been exactly 3 weeks since the miscarriage, sooo I'm looking forward to the next start. It's hard to be patient, but I'm trying!

In the meantime, I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving and the little break. I have a few days before I get there. Monday we have school and Monday night my cousins are coming to visit and stay with us. Then Tuesday I have work again and I have a class Tuesday night. Then Wednesday is a 1/2 day-- we're having a Thanksgiving "feast"-- and Wednesday afternoon/night I'm meeting up with a friend. :) And it's BREAK TIME!

Then begins the crazy rush toward Christmas. And if all works out correctly, it will be over Christmas break that we find out the results of Cycle 7. And it will be that week that will officially mark 2 years of this craziness. :) It's amazing to think how quickly time is flying... it feels like a long time in the waiting, but really, the time has flown.

Monday, November 17

Happy Monday! :)

Let's see... today I had a Wilson's Fundation training all day. I wish I knew how to say "SO BORING" in more languages. It was down right awful. When we adopted the program over the summer I read the manual cover to cover (yeah... I was boring this summer!!) so I knew the basics. Plus I've been teaching it every day for the past 2 months. But allll they talked about was the basics. It seemed so much like a sales pitch for the program-- even the materials they gave us were copied directly from the teacher's manual. So, overall not the greatest. And I'm SO glad I didn't pay for it.

I only have 6.5 days until Thanksgiving. Wooohooo! I'm counting down the days-- I'm so ready for a break. And, though it's only 4.5 days, I'll take what I can get! :)

I just recently (the past 2 days) reconnected with a friend who I have known since 1st grade, but who I haven't really talked to in a few years. I can't even explain how happy this makes me. :) I've mentioned before that I felt like I've drifted away from all my friends, so it's good to feel like I have someone I can talk to. :) Plus, I've known her forever so it's nice.

As far as the next cycle goes-- we're just waiting it out. By my guess we... or I... should have ovulated in the past few days. And I think I did... how incredibly cool would it be if we got pregnant on an "off" cycle?? I'm not getting my hopes up too high, but it's hard not to get them up a little bit! But this means I should expect to start Cycle 7 in less than 2 weeks. Bring on the injections!!! :)

Saturday, November 15

The last few days have been perfectly uneventful.

School is going well. I love my kids more and more as each day passes. At the beginning of the year I wasn't so sure about this group-- they seemed more "distant" (I don't think that is the word to explain it properly...) and I just didn't think I would love them as much as last year. However, that is definitely not the case anymore. I still miss my K's from last year, but I love these kids. They make me laugh so much-- occasionally to the point that I actually start crying which they think is even more hilarious.

I babysat Friday night. They said they'd be home early... they got home at 1:15am. I had a hair appointment scheduled with my mom at 9am... over an hour away from where I live. So, instead of going back to my apartment and driving down in the AM after I woke up, I just drove straight down here after babysitting. I got in after 2:30, but I felt amazingly refreshed when I woke this morning.

The rest of the day has just been hanging around, spending the money I got babysitting, and generally just relaxing. While I'm here the hubster is in NH visiting his cousin. Something about fantasy football and going head-to-head... guy stuff I don't care to understand. :)

And to end on a happy note (not that any of this was unhappy...) I just heard from my friend (the IVF one... I'm going to call her M from now on to stop referring to her as my IVF friend...I'm just cautious to use her name incase someone I know stumbles upon this...). Anyways, I just heard from M and she said that she's ready to try IVF again in January! I am so incredibly excited/happy/optimistic for her. I just hope and pray and wish and all that everything will work out for her. She will be an incredible mother. So I'm sending my good wishes to her this time around. :)

Thursday, November 13

From as long as I can remember-- before we even started this whole IF craziness-- I have always been very definite about how I wanted the whole pregnancy process to be. I wanted it to be just me and Johnny. Ultrasounds-- just us. Registry making-- just us. Baby naming-- just us. Birth-- just us. Even at the hospital-- just us. I was firm on these facts. I felt like I had waited so long (in the beginning "so long" just meant that I had wanted to have children forever... the meaning of these words have changed...) that I wanted to have every moment to myself. A little selfish in retrospect. Johnny used to argue these points with me... that our parents would want to be involved and relatives would want to be waiting in the waiting room to hear "It's a boy (or girl)!" I didn't care. I wanted it to be just us. That's it. The end. These were always tense discussions.

However, I can tell you, this COMPLETELY changed the SECOND that stick came back positive. Immediately I was picturing having my mom or Johnny's mom in the room to see an ultrasound of the little heart beating away (after we had the first u/s to ourselves, of course :P). I was picturing walking through Babies R Us with my mom picking out little blankets and shirts. And I no longer wanted to exclude everyone from the waiting room. I'm still not a fan of the idea of having anyone besides Johnny there when I actually have the baby, but I'm now excited about having a waiting room full of love.

As usual, I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I guess I feel like all of this has had a positive effect. :)

Not much else going on. Johnny is at a Patriots game tonight, so I'm all alone. (I'm not complaining... :)) Tomorrow I'm babysitting, Saturday I'm getting my hair cut (finally) and then Sunday Johnny's gone again (I hardly see him through football season!) so I'll just be doing school work. :)

Oh, and of course we're waiting. :) What else would we be doing??

Tuesday, November 11

Opinions needed...

Is it weird that I have still been keeping the positive tests from this last cycle?

I've put them away-- they used to be sitting on the counter, but now they're in a bag in a drawer. But, really, is it weird that I can't seem to part with them? Because I have been told it is...

The never ending blood draws...

I have come to the conclusion (over the past 2 years) that there are 3 types of phlebotomists.

First you have the nice, gentle phlebotomist who is terrified of hurting you. Therefore, they go very gently and are often very nervous. ONce the needle is in, if the blood doesn't flow, they immediately take the needle out. This very often results in two... three... four blood draw attempts. They switch arms, feel your veins A LOT and end up passing you off to a less nervous nurse.

Second you have the type who is awesome at what they do. They tourniquet you, feels your veins for a minute, then wipe you down with alcohol and gently insert the needle. They always give you the little grippy thing to make sure your veins are giving them the best possible showing. They are less nervous than the first so they almost always get it on the 1st try. Just like that.

Third, you have the phlebotomist who is all business. They tourniquet you, wipe you down without feeling for anything, and then just jab you with the needle. This is the one who, without fail, has to move the needle around in your arm. Only after you flinch or let out a little sound do they ask "Are you okay?" to which you always answer yes in the hopes they'll find the vein soon and end the torture.

I've come to figure out which nurses are which at RSC. I know the nervous ones from the ones that induce torture from the ones who always get it first try without the pain. So it's always kind of a let down when I get 1 or 3. I know with 1 I will end up looking like swiss cheese and will have to update my "Needles" count by about 4. And I know with 3 I will end up with a nasty bruise and a nagging pain in my arm.

And that's what I got today. Ouch. :) But I'm hoping that this is the last draw until the beginning of the next cycle! :)

Monday, November 10

Things are looking up!!!! :)

Today was a fantabulous day at school and to make things better, tomorrow is Veteran's Day so I have no school!! Woohoo! Then, Wednesday is a 1/2 day for conferences (though I only have one scheduled for the afternoon- the rest are all in a week or so). Friday night I'm babysitting, Saturday AM I'm getting my hair cut, Monday I have a conference to go to all day (no no kiddies for me!)... then the following week is Thanksgiving, so I have a 1/2 day Wednesday and no school the rest of the week!

I am very much looking forward to the next few weeks. Plus, I just generally love this time of year!

Tomorrow is *hopefully* the last blood draw for this crazy, crazy cycle. Then it's only the waiting until we move on!! :)

So, I'm feeling good. And, really, I just LOVE days off. (But I do love my kiddies more than anyone can imagine--- they made me cry today from laughing so hard. And we made the coolest family trees today out of actual trees... :))

Thursday, November 6


I finally had to tell my co-teacher today that things worked but then they didn't. See, she had known about the IUI and she had asked me about it. She knew exactly when 2 weeks was so she knew exactly when to ask. In fact, she asked the morning of the first beta and the morning after we tested and got three positives. BUT, being cautious, I didn't tell her what I knew. Instead I lied and said that the test was in a couple of days.

So she let it go for awhile, (2 weeks) but she mentioned it again today. And I could have easily said "Oh, it was negative" as I have told her so many times before. But I just couldn't bring myself to do that. Instead I told her we had gotten the positive, lived in bliss for a week, then learned the numbers weren't rising, and that I had just miscarried over the weekend. I was careful not to look at her while saying this. And I was careful to be matter of fact. List the facts, but not to think about it.

And she asked the questions everyone asks... how are you doing? Are you okay? And the answer is, honestly, I'm not. It sucks and I hate it and I dwell on it wayyy too much. But I never admit this to anyone (well, except Johnny and no the three people who are reading this...) instead I say I'm fine and we're moving on and it is what it is because we can't do anything about it and it will happen one day. Is this the right reaction? She mentioned that a mutual friend (the teacher I often refer to that used to work at our school and who had gone through IVF and had it fail) was devastated when the IVF failed (I hadn't known the friend at this time) yet she hadn't gotten a positive yet. Yet, I seemed to be so together after having the bit of hope to cling to.

So I tried to reason through it. We still have 3 rounds of IUI before even thinking about IVF. I'm still only 24-- older than I wanted to be, but still young enough to have my age considered a positive on my side. And if I act like it's not a big deal maybe I will start to believe it for myself.

As usual, I don't really know where I'm going with this. When we were in High School we had to write Stream of Consciousness essays. I feel like I'm just doing that again. :P

On a positive note, I got a card from my fantabulous cousins today. A thinking of you card because of the past weeks. It was a nice gesture. I don't think I have mentioned that these cousins of mine-- the ones who were going through infertility issues of their own-- got pregnant. Back in... August? Maybe...? Somewhere around there at least. It's nice to see something working out. :) Can't wait to see them for Thanksgiving.

Wednesday, November 5

Happy Wednesday!

I had a blood draw yesterday--- I'm down to 9.6 (I think .6 at least...) so we're moving along. I have a blood draw on Tuesday of next week, so hopefully that will be the last one to track these levels. I can't wait to start the next cycle. Probably a little into December I'd assume.

Other than that... yesterday we had a professional day at work. The most boring math curriculum class EVER. Then Johnny and I went to vote yesterday evening. I was ready for a long wait. However, we were able to get right and and place our vote. :) So that's that. :)

Once again we're back to the uneventful life. :) I'm kind of enjoying it.

Sunday, November 2


Some of the most comforting words I have heard came from my mom today. Very matter-of-factly she said "This will all work out for you because you've gone through enough. And you don't need to go through any more."

So it was really nice to hear that. I hear the "it happens all the time" and "things happen for the reason"... which I know and believe... but it was nice to just hear that this SHOULDN'T be happening and it really isn't fair (for anyone).

But then my mom told me something kind of neat. My mom was born the day before (or maybe it was after) one of her grandmothers. My uncle was born before (or maybe it was after :P) one of their other grandmothers. My older brother, Jeff, was born the day before our grandmother. And my other two brothers were born within 2 weeks of my grandmother too. So if the "tradition" continues (obviously I'm the odd-ball not born near anyone...) then I'll have to get pregnant in December and have a September baby like my mom or get pregnant in January and have an October baby like Johnny's mom. :) And she was so certain and positive I couldn't help but be just as certain and positive. :)

Saturday, November 1

Relaxing weekend: Take 1

All I wanted was a relaxing weekend... so far I've gotten it. :) We slept in which was so nice. Then, since Johnny has been having issues with his neck, we decided to go to the Walk In Clinic at our doctors thinking we'd be in and out. Haha. We got there at 12:20... and didn't get out til after 4:30. 4:30!!!! It took so long! But if sitting in a chair just (im)patiently waiting isn't relaxing, I don't know what is. :) Then we went and visited Johnny's parents for a little before going to the movies to see "Zack and Miri Make a Porno". I didn't think I'd like it-- but I ended up really liking it. It had a nice happy ending which is always nice!

Hopefully tomorrow will be just as peaceful... but hopefully I actually get some work done tomorrow!