Dealing with it...

I'm doing okay. Once again I had gotten my hopes up a bit. I had tested Saturday and it was negative, but I kept thinking that maybe it was too early, my levels hadn't gotten high enough yet, etc. So, though I expected it, the call sucked yesterday. Each time they call me with the negative results they seem to get sadder and sadder. I guess they're starting to know me and starting to become more invested in this whole process, too. :) It's so awkward on the phone when they tell me it's negative. I always want to hang up on them. Or cry. Or throw the phone. But I do my best to be strong and to listen to the directions ("We're ready for you to do another cycle if you want. Just call on Day 1.")... even if my voice breaks a little bit.

And that gets me thinking, as much as it hurts when they call me to tell me isn't negative, I don't think I'm prepared for the day they call and tell me it's positive. Who really wants a semi-stranger calling and telling them the thing they have been waiting for? I've always pictured Johnny and I huddled around the test (because I never test alone :) ) and finding out together. Other people aren't supposed to know til we tell them. Not the other way around. So I guess that's why I test before the official test. But will I ever really believe it until the official test?

So... I continue to deal. Take what comes and forget about what I can't control. (Which, unfortunately is a lot lately...)

. . .

I'm reminded of something my college roommate used to always say

Too bad. So sad.

And that sums it up.

Cycle 6... And 6 has always been my favorite number.

Here we go again.

And on an unrelated note... have you ever stopped to wonder just how much blood you have given to your RE? To date I've had almost 50 blood draws for RSC. That's in 1 year. And that's a lot of blood.

Good weekend

It's Sunday night. The weekend is almost over and I'm getting ready to go back to school tomorrow. My mind is racing- I have so much to get through over the next few weeks. Four of my 15 kids are reading already. So I have to modify all of my Guided Reading lessons to challenge them. We still haven't learned all of the daily routines, so setting children up to independent AM centers is challenging. My behaviorally challenged child needs some sort of new behavior chart. But I'm not sure what to do. In short, I just want to get through the next few weeks with a little sanity.

But I am optimistic that this week will be a little better and a lot smoother than last week- each week will get easier. My teaching partner said she had the worst first day of school ever on Thursday. She's been teaching for 10 years. There goes my hope that the first days will get easier over the years. :)

But on a positive note, I was talking to the 1st grade teacher who has 1/2 my kids from last year. She was amazed at how polite, well-behaved, and advanced (in reading and writing) they were. :) So I have proof that the hard work pays off. It is just stressful in the beginning. (VERY stressful!)

The weekend itself was pretty good. Relaxing. Low key. Hopefully the start of something fabulous (I'll let you know in two weeks). It'll be our last relaxing weekend for a few weeks so I'm glad I got to enjoy it. :)

And so we wait some more...

So the IUI was this AM. Johnny went in at 11am and I went in at 12pm. Or, at least I was there at 12pm... I didn't go in until closer to 12:20pm. I was getting nervous sitting there that something was wrong. But finally they called us so all was well. We went in and a new nurse (new to me) did the IUI. I didn't like her at all. Since it was my second IUI she just got right now to business, which is okay, but there was no caring or anything. Last time I felt like the nurse genuinely cared about me and the procedure and it working. This time the nurse made me feel like she just had to do her job and be out. (And through the rushing she made it hurt- a lot. I think, though, it was just because I was tense about not liking her much and not feeling comfortable with her.)

When she went over the numbers from the sample, she only talked to me and kind of blocked Johnny out, so I felt bad about that. The numbers were okay. Not as good as last time... motility and concentration were both low. (bummer) And last time there was something like 98 million. This time it was only 16.6 million. But that was still 6.6 over what they were looking for, so I guess it was okay. :)

So the test is schedule for September 22nd. Of course I'll probably home test on September 21st. :) Even if it's negative, I always like to know so I don't get so upset when I get the call from the random nurse at the drs office.

So that's all about that. School yesterday was exhausting once again. There is one child in particular that I cannot stand. Or rather, I can stand him, but he tries my patience (to put it mildly). He also got sent to the principal's office because I couldn't stand him. So that is that.

Just heard my poor brother- who is 4 hours away in NY visiting his girlfriend- woke up this AM to a tree branch having fallen on his car and breaking the windshield & denting the roof. The insurance company can't have it fixed until Monday. So, somehow, he has to drive home from NY with the broken windshield. He has more problems with his car than anyone else I know.

Saturday it is!

I forgot to mention last night that we had gotten good news from the blood work I had done yesterday AM. Apparently my levels are A-okay (though I'm still personally a little concerned about the lining because it was so thin and they didn't check it yesterday... a few cycles ago they actually delayed me by a few days because of the lining... or lack there of). Anyways, I triggered last night (or, really, Johnny triggered me...). The IUI is officially Saturday! We don't know what time yet because they don't make weekend schedules until Friday afternoon, but we should know soon. Back to my life of not cage fighting and slam dancing.

The first day of school was ... exhausting! I got to see my old kids in the AM. Ahh they're so cute! All the moms came and gave me hugs. It was great to see them. My new group seems okay. I know they'll never quite measure up to that fabulous group of last year (plus I had 11 girls and 1 boy last year so it was a bit calmer... I have 8 boys and 7 girls this year...). I'll have my new kids whipped into shape soon. Once they are, I'm sure I'll love them to death as well.

That's all for now... off to finish getting ready for the day and then off to school for Day 2.

Progress!!!

I mentioned a few posts ago that I have been incredibly lucky as far as timing is concerned. And my lucky streak continues (yes!). This AM I went in to the dr's. (And I went alone because the hubby left at 6 to start work... but he surprised me by meeting me there at 6:30!) The u/s showed 0 bigger than 10mm on my left (darn left sucks!). So I was a bit discouraged. But on my right there was 1 that is at 17.5mm! Woohoo! I have never had one that big on Day 12. Usually I have one that is growing, but it's at 12mm or 13mm. So I was excited. A little disappointing was that the lining was only 5.7mm. Not too good.

I got my call a few minutes ago and I have to go in for more blood tomorrow AM. But she said that most likely I would be triggering on Thursday night and going for the IUI on Saturday! Yes!! :) It works out perfectly. And even if my levels aren't quite up to snuff tomorrow I can always go in again on Friday and then I would still have the IUI on the weekend! :) So I am counting my lucky stars about this one. :)

Just waiting!

Waiting is the name of the game. You wait for Day 1. You wait to see the affects of the drugs. You wait for the next procedure. You wait for the big test. Then, inevitably, you find yourself waiting for Day 1 again. (Well, until that day that the big test day is a happy one...)

As always the waiting drags on. Waiting is always slow, but I've come to enjoy it. Kind of. I enjoy the non-stress associated with the waiting for monitoring to begin. I enjoy the relatively-calm state of my hormones (this one is debatable... but it has been over 36 hours since I broke down last, so I'm thinking we can classify this as calm). I enjoy not having to be poked and prodded by countless people.

But I do eagerly anticipate the next step coming.

So now I am eagerly-patiently waiting for Sept. 3 to come along. I can't wait to see if these little follies have taken to growing this time. Hopefully more than 1 decided it liked this round of clomid. Hopefully, hopefully... waiting. :)

A good distraction is coming up, though. Tuesday I'm back at work and Thursday the new K students are finally here! That will keep me busy I have no doubt. And it's a lot harder to be preoccupied with waiting and testing and such when you have 15 5 year-olds to teach. :) So here's for making it the next few days until the next great distraction sets in. :)

Warning

Never try taking more than one pill of clomid at a time. I stacked them and put them in my mouth today before taking a drink. One went down just fine. The other two stuck to the roof of my mouth and started melting. I still have the bitter taste in my mouth.

I can still do math!

I was right... my monitoring day will be Sept. 3rd. I got the 6:30am appt for blood and u/s. Go me. :) Today's u/s was uneventful-- it was the u/s tech I don't like so much, but that's okay. Nothing interesting to report... I have follicles, enough of them, and no cysts. So, clomid tonight!

Unless

Back from a weekend away. I got stuff for school, had fun with the family, celebrated my grandfather's birthday, but I'm glad to be back. I always forget how much I miss Johnny when I'm not with him. It's times like those that I can't believe or understand how I get so annoyed with him so much. :) I'll blame it on the hormones... yeah, that always works. He doesn't always buy it though.

So, yeah, that's all. Ultrasound in the am to check for cysts and follicles. Then we're starting our *hopefully* last round of clomid. I can't even stress how much I want this to work.

Next month marks one year of working with RSC. I know that, in the grand scheme of things that that isn't a big deal, but it is to me. I know some people take so much longer, but I didn't think I would. So, one year in and what do we have to show for it? An impressive list of blood draws and ultrasounds, quite a few bills, more medication than I've had in my entire life, and four failures. I'm not sure what boggles my mind more... the fact that we've had 4 failures, or the fact that, in 12 months we could only carry out FOUR cycles. First there was the 2 months of testing, then a month off because they decided to test for cystic fibrosis, then the cycle that took 2 full months, the 1.5 months off due to the chemical pregnancy, then 2 more cycles, then another month off because of the insurance change, then the last cycle. But looking back, I am amazed at how fast everything has gone. I just wish we had more to show for it.

Every conversation we have has the "unless we get pregnant" clause in it. Next summer I'll have a real job, unless we get pregnant. Next summer we're going to Aussie, unless we get pregnant. Next cycle we'll use injectables, unless we get pregnant. I spend my days playing the unless game.

So, this is where I'll be next month, unless we get pregnant...

Just an update

Just a quick update to say that I'll be going in for my u/s on Monday am just to check for cysts. No blood this time... which is a fantastic surprise for once. :) I guess I made up for in on Friday- I had my drs appt and I had to get a tetnus shot for school and they also drew 5 vials of blood for me. And unlike at RSC, they were 5 FULL vials, not just enough to cover the bottom.

By my calculations this means that the first day of monitoring will be on Sept. 3... and I'm just hoping I'm not surprsingly ready on the first day of monitoring for once because that would mean the IUI would be scheduled for the 5th-- the second day of school. Ideally it would be the 6th or 7th. I'm crossing my fingers because I have been VERY lucky with scheduling all around. :)

Oh and we will be doing another round of clomid. When I talk to them next I'm going to schedule an appt. with the RE to talk about moving to injectables for the next cycle. I really haven't responded too well to the clomid... just 1 slow growing follicle each time. I know I'm lucky to have gotten that, but initially I was led to believe that I'd get more than one. So... I just want to move along. I was all for playing it cautious and slow back when we met with Anania, but now I'm getting impatient. :)