Wednesday, December 22


The weeks are just flying by! I can't believe we're here already...

How far along? 12 weeks 2 days 12w2d

Total weight gain/loss: Up 1 pound! I haven't weighed myself AT ALL.

Maternity clothes? Just the bella band. Pants unbottoned style. Jeans- otherwise I'm still getting by.

Stretch marks? Nada No new ones!

Sleep: Usually 9 hours. And naps occasionally. Usually about 7.5 with a few Colby wake-ups in between.

Best moment this week: I have a BELLY! And we told a TON of people so that's exciting! The NT Scan yesterday! They're so cute!!!!!

Movement: Not yet! Nope

Food cravings: Not really. Anything and everything. Case in point- I had a chocolate donut for breakfast. I don't really like chocolate.

Gender: I'm thinking 2 girls now. It switches daily. I'm starting to think two girls...

Labor Signs: Noooo No, thank you.

Belly Button in or out? Innie In

What I miss: Nothing! I love where I am!

What I am looking forward to: Making a registry! Getting a bigger belly. Movement, movement, movement!

Weekly Wisdom: I've lost too many brain cells to be wise. Enjoy every second?

Milestones: I've got a BELLY! :) Every week is a milestone!

Tuesday, December 21

Scan, Cards, & NICU

NT Scan

Yesterday marked 12 weeks already (!!!) so today we went into Boston for our NT Scan. I'm only now beginning to realize how completely disjointed and mismanaged my care was last time I was pregnant. A lot of the things we're doing now we find ourselves asking "Did we do that last time?" The answer is usually no.

Anyways, we met with a Genetic Counselor at BI. We spent a few minutes going over family history, pregnancy history, concerns, etc.-- all stuff we never did last time. She told us the accuracy rates, chances, etc. Basically we just saw her to go over the paperwork.

Now, we have talked about it, and even if something comes up, we don't plan on doing anything about it-- meaning I would never terminate because I came back with a high risk of Downs or something. And I wouldn't ever risk an Amnio either, so basically we were just there for a free ultrasound. (Week 12-- 3 ultrasounds down!)

After the paperwork and the finger-prick-paper-thing, we headed down to ultrasound for the NT Scan. We were with the nurse for about an hour.

Of course, as always the first thing I looked for were the heartbeats. I wasn't really nervous and I had no reason to be concerned, but I still always breathe a sigh of relief when I see those heartbeats.

The babies were so active and they LOOK like babies and they were wiggling their hands and it was SO cute I couldn't stand it. Colby liked looking at the babies for about 5 seconds then all he wanted to do was run run run. But he did pretty well too.

Both babies measured at 12w6d-- 5 days ahead. Baby A had a heart rate of 166 and Baby B had a heart rate of 163. Both are about 10-15 bpm faster than the boys were at the same time. Girls...? :) As for the neck folds-- Baby A had a fold of 1.9 and Baby B had a fold of 1.6 putting them both below the threshold of concern at 2.5.

We got a few pictures-- I'm still not sure how to use the scanner, so instead I took pictures of them. The yellow-y orange ones are without a flash so they look a little weird and the others are with the flash so they're a little too bright. Oh well. :)

Baby A

The twins- 3D style

Baby B

Christmas Cards

Our cards came in yesterday-- finally! We aren't sending them until Christmas Eve because we purposely don't want people to get them until right after Christmas. We have family members we want to tell in person about the twins before we do our big announcement, but I love how they came out! Again-- picture instead of scan. :)


Back to the visit today-- we ended our trip to the hospital with a stop at the NICU. It was perfect because one of Colby's primaries- Haley- was working as was the RT- Candy- who took AMAZING care of him when he was on the vent and CPAP. We were so excited to see them and Colby was a total ham.

They seemed genuinely excited to see him as well. It's got to make them proud to see a graduate doing so amazingly. :)

We also gave them a Christmas card to tell them we're expecting-- I was told I am not allowed back except to visit in July when the babies are born! That's okay with me!!

Overall it was a great day. :)

Next appointment- Jan 3rd, then the cerclage on Jan 6th!

Friday, December 17


So far, most days I am pretty confident that we will take home two healthy babies at the end of this pregnancy. On my best days, I see myself delivering via-VBAC at 37 weeks and taking the babies home a few days later. Other days, I see myself delivering early, spending some time in the NICU- but still coming home with two healthy babies at the end of it.

Most days.

Then there are some days that I wonder how it's even possible to have two healthy babies.

It seems every day I hear of someone delivering extremely prematurely and losing their baby after a few short days of fighting. Or someone else loses a baby in the womb at 12 or 20 or 36 weeks. For no apparent reason. Or someone else loses a baby unexpectedly to SIDS at two months.

Those days, it seems like the odds are stacked against us and that something is going to go wrong. And it's so scary.

I remember talking to a friend back before we even were trying to get pregnant talking about how scary pregnancy is. At that point I wasn't even thinking of prematurity- just the chances of a baby developing some life threatening condition or SIDS or something else tragic.

I know it has to do more with the stories I read than what is actuality. I know that most babies are born when they're supposed to be and most babies live. But when you're surrounded by stories of unimaginable pain and heartbreak and loss, it's hard to keep perspective. It's hard to see the positives, the possibilities, when all you feel like you're seeing is horrible things happening to good people.

So, I guess I wouldn't say that I have been worrying about this lately. But it has been on my mind a lot and sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. For bleeding to start. For a doctor to look at the ultrasound screen and tell me there is no heartbeat. I don't think I'll believe that we'll fully get through this until we do. Until we get through the other side and see our three healthy kids running around causing trouble.

And that brings me to something else I've been thinking about a lot. Like I said, I usually think we will make it out with two healthy babies in the end (somehow). And I wonder what that will be like for Colby in a few years. When he's older and can understand that his twin is not here, but his younger twin siblings are. I'm worried for the questions- the anger- the hurt that might follow. It will be natural for him to wonder why they have each other, but Connor's not here. What went wrong? What was different? And what I'm dreading-- What did Mommy do wrong for us, but right for them? I'm so afraid that he'll be angry at me for not protecting him and Connor like I (hopefully) will his little siblings.

And I'll be wondering the same thing. And angry at myself for the same thing.

Thursday, December 16

11 weeks 3 days

I will post a belly picture and an ultrasound picture when I have time! (Though I haven't taken my belly picture yet...) I also want to post our Christmas card because I LOVE it... there's just not enough time in the day!

How far along? 11 weeks 2 days 11 weeks 3 days
Total weight gain/loss: I'm still pretty much the same. Same
Maternity clothes? I got a bella band knock off from Target. Ahhh I love it. :) My wardrobe has quadrupled. And I ordered a dress and pants from Old Navy. I can still get by in my work clothes, but my regular jeans are a no-go, so I do wear maternity jeans. (And they make me look about 10 times more pregnant)
Stretch marks? Nada No new ones
Sleep: I desperately try to be asleep by 8:30 or 9... so usually 8-9 hours. And I do love naps when I have the time! About 6.5 hours or less depending on Colby's sleep (last night = none)
Best moment this week: Either appointment... Wednesday's or todays. I love both doctors AND I got to see the babies, so it's all perfect. Perfect sizes, perfect hearts... just perfect. I'm so in love. I guess just still being pregnant. Nothing new has happened and our appointment on Friday wasn't all that wonderful.
Movement: Nope. I swear some times I feel little flutters, but who knows...
Food cravings: I found a yogurt I LOVE. And still coolattas. Everything else comes and goes. Baked potatoes.
Gender: I'm thinking a boy and a girl. I still think one of each.
Labor Signs: Noooo No
Belly Button in or out? Innie In
What I miss: Nada. Like I said last time, I'm loving where I am!! Sleep? But that has nothing to do with the pregnancy. :)
What I am looking forward to: Finishing trimester 1 so I can confidently make a registry and can just take a huge breath. And I want school (grad and regular) to be over. I just want to focus on the babies!! Movement- that's what I miss the most. And our NT scan next week.
Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy it! I'm not very wise...
Milestones: Isn't every day a milestone?? I'm just thankful for every day I get and every day that they are healthy. Again I say, I am so in love. I'll stick with what I said last time...

Monday, December 13

High Risk

On Friday afternoon I skipped out of school a few minutes early to get into Boston for our High Risk appt. My parents ended up babysitting Colby on Friday so we didn't have to worry about bringing hime which was great. (He does great at these appointments, but I also know he gets bored.)

The High Risk practice is exactly where we were going last time, but there has been a complete shift in the practice. The whole place has been redone since we were there on June 26th, 2009 and the doctors are completely new.

We were taken in immediately, ironically to the exact same room where we were told "The question is whether to put you in the hospital tonight or wait a few days" and "Babies at 23 weeks means no babies". Not the best way to start.

Then the nurse came in to take our history which is always fun (not really). We told her the story of the boys, and 23 weeks, and bed rest, and 27 weeks, and losing Connor. Then she goes on to ask "What's the name of your living son?" Then she continues on and as she's taking my blood pressure she says "Well, thank goodness you're only having one this time!" One more strike and she would have been out.

Then the doctors come in. We were scheduled to meet with Dr. R, but we ended up meeting with Dr. R, Dr. S, and a medical student. Basically, we were there for 30 minutes. 20 of those minutes were totally devoted to the risks associated with twins and the hightened risk of preterm labor this time around. Real doom-and-gloom stuff. All stuff I had heard before (except I didn't know it was even possible for non-identical twins to have TTTS) but it was just all such a downer. I wanted to cry just sitting there because I felt like they were telling me something was going to go wrong- it was just a matter of figuring out what it would be. Was it going to be IUGR that gets us or Preeclampsia or TTTS or a short cervix? The list was endless.

Then 8 minutes were spent talking about the fact that "While we have LOTS of things we can do for singletons to prevent preterm labor, research shows that there really isn't much we can do in a twin situation." Basically I was told that the progesterone shots I had been told about do zip for twin situations. "Even cerclages, while they can be great for singletons, studies show that they don't do much for twins- and in some cases they even seem to cause earlier labor in twins. BUT keep in mind that these weren't strictly twin studies. Instead these were studies that happened to include some twin pregnancies and it is possible the study group was too small, blah, blah, blah." I was told that, if I were their patients alone, they wouldn't let a cerclage be an option, but since I'm Dr. K's patient, I can get it if I want but keep in mind that it might not do anything.

The last two minutes of our meeting was spent with me staring blankly at them completely at a loss. Here I was going into this appointment thinking that we had some sort of a plan or some sort of option to get me further than 27 weeks but according to them, the best course was "Wait and see" and "We'll put you in the hospital at 24 weeks if we get that far." Johnny asked some good questions that I can't really remember.

What it comes down to is (1) Johnny likes them because they are completely opposite of Dr. K so he feels like they will give us at least another perspective (2) Starting after my cerclage (which I will probably still get because I need to do something and Dr. K thinks it's a good idea) I will be monitored bi-weekly for changes in my cervix and (3) SOB.

On to Early Risk Screening on the 21st. At least I get to see my babies.

Friday, December 10


So, I'm 10w4d pregnant today. BUT in addition to being told that I had a big belly by my kiddo last week... this week I have been asked by several kiddos if I am pregnant. So I had to bite the bullet and email parents because I knew questions would start popping up. And once they do, all the parents want to know is what is going to happen to the class, when I'll leave, when I'll be back, if their kids will still go to Harvard, blah blah blah.

Anyways, two of my favorite parents emailed me back right away.

One told me that she was going to talk to me today anyways... because she just found out she is pregnant WITH TRIPLETS! (I so want to ask if it was IUI or IVF, but I know I hate those questions so I will hold my tongue!)

The other mom emailed me and wrote "Brett knows that you had previously had two babies and God needed to keep one with him, so he will be thrilled!"

Is there any better way to explain it? It just seems like such a perfect way to explain it to a 5 year old.

Wednesday, December 8

Two Questions Answered :)

I love reading new comments from people who haven't posted bofore. :) I got asked a good question, so I thought I'd answer it.

Stacey asked why I decided to try again so soon after having the boys. It's an interesting questions because there are actually a few reasons.

1. It took us 2+ years to get pregnant. Not very long in the scheme of IVF and infertility, but a long time for us. At least it felt that way. I wan't really willing to take chances that it would take a really long time again. I figured, get started as soon as possible (Colby was exactly 6 weeks when we started trying again!) and that would give us the best chance of it happening again. As it turns out it still took us well over a year, but I'm glad that we got started early.

2. I want to have a lot of kids... at least 4 or 5. Living. It's weird that I have to clarify that, but I already have 2 kids technically, but I'm only getting to parent one. I want to have a house full of kids. I have 3 brothers and I loved having poeple around constantly. I want that and to do that, because of number 1, I had to start soon I felt.

3. I want kids young. I started trying to get pregnant when I was 22. I wanted to be done with having kids by the time I was 30. So... you can see that if I wanted the 4 or 5 from answer 2 and I've dealt with the timing from answer 1... well, that means I needed to get started right away.

4. Colby is so incredibly amazing. He is perfect in every way possible... he made it SO easy to want another- and SOON! We know that we're probably going to end up with the complete opposite... a fussy baby who never sleeps and cries and is not easy going, but we were willing to risk it! :)

5. This answer I'm a little embarrassed about. But having the boys at 27 weeks and losing Connor, well, I felt jipped. I missed the perfect pregnancy, the happiness of birth (we recieved very few congrats when the boys were born... it was just too scary for everyone)... I couldn't even breastfeed like I wanted... I just wanted to experience it. And also... I knew in my heart I was supposed to be caring for 2 babies. Instead I was saying goodbye to one and watching from afar while nurses adjusted monitors and wires on my other son. (I can't even begin to articulate how horrible, scary, and sad this time in my life was. I don't think I even completely comprehended it at the time, but now I just look back and can't believe what happened back then.) I immediately longed to do it again. Now, I know having twins again pretty much negates any possibility for a perfect pregnancy or even a perfect birth at 40 weeks, but I'm hoping I won't feel cheated out of a child. I feel ridiculous for saying that because Colby is SO amazing and we were SO LUCKY to have Connor with us for the time we did. But I just needed to try again... for my own healing (I hope-- because I don't think I can survive another loss like we had...).

Sarah mentioned another teacher who still works from a wheelchair after a preterm scare.

I just know that I could never do that.

The first time around I didn't have a choice. It was "strict bedrest, then to the hospital with you once you hit 24 weeks". There was no "but, what if...?"

But I also know that, if I was given the chance of going back in a wheelchair, I would not take it. I wouldn't be able to concentrate and it wouldn't be fair to me, my babies, or my class.

Bedrest is hard. I know that sounds silly to people who haven't been on bedrest, but it is hard. Despite the boredom and the isolation, you question every twinge, pain, flutter, cramp. EVERYTHING. Every day I was questioning EVERYTHING. I didn't know what was important and what wasn't. (Which was ultimately my deminse because I was in LABOR FOR 12 HOURS WITHOUT KNOWING IT because I thought I had a simple BACKACHE.)

But it is so worth it. If being in bed... 23.5 hours a day, every day for 4 weeks is what kept my babies inside of me those extra 4 weeks, then I will do it again in a heartbeat.

10 Weeks (+2 days)

And for a 10 week thing-a-ma-bob... I thought it would be interesting to compare to last time, so this time I put answers in red. :)

How far along? 10 weeks 2 days

Total weight gain/loss: I think nothing... I am about 2 lbs up from pre-IVF weight though. But I don't think I've put anything on since that. I may have actually lost a little. Same as finding out we were pregnant... one or two pounds up from pre-IVF again though.

Maternity clothes? No, but I do only wear 2 pairs of pants over and over. My dressier ones aren't happening. Occasionally maternity jeans, but they're not entirely comfy because they fit on the belly but apparently my hips/butt aren't big enough to keep them up. I can still wear my work pants though. (Which is weird because my belly is already huge!)

Stretch marks? Nope Leftovers from last time!

Sleep: Usually 9 hours a night... :P More if I can squeeze it! (Last night I was in bed at 7:15!) Never enough. Usually 7 or so. Most nights I'm up 1 or 2 times with Colby, too. I'm so tired during the day and just want to crash. I'm contemplating a day off just so I can slep!

Best moment this week: Monday last week hearing the heartbeat. Imagining the nursery in the new place! Realizing that, no matter how quiet my dad is, he is thrilled beyond belief!!! So far this week has been pretty much same-ole. :) I am excited that I hit 10 weeks though... it seems huge for some reason.

Movement: No I heard that women who have been pregnant again usually notice movement earlier the second time around, so I've been trying to feel it every night. So far... nadda. :) (Yes, I know 10 weeks is incredibly early! Wishful thinking!)

Food cravings: Coolattas, pretzels Anything and everything but it totally changes depending on the day/how I'm feeling. One day pizza sounds so good, but the next the thought of it makes me sick.

Gender: 1 of each? :P I'm pretty convinved that it is 1 of each. Growing up I always said I would have a boy, then twin boy/girl, then a girl. So, we had twin boys first, but we only got to take one home, so I'm thinking maybe it's all playing into my thoughts from way back when.

Labor Signs: Not for awhile! No no no no. Please PLEASE stay away until I'm at least 30 weeks. I won't be greedy... but please stay away!

Belly Button in or out? Innie! Innie

What I miss: Absolutely NOTHING. I LOVE where I am right now! Nothing

What I am looking forward to: The doctors appt. on Wednesday! Can't wait to see the ultrasound! Everything. Seeing this pregnancy progress safely and taking home TWO healthy babies. I'm pretty convinced that it will work. And I'm super excited to meet the high risk doc on Friday. Ultrasound please!

Weekly Wisdom: I think the only advice I got came from my dad... when he said "My advice is to just eat what you want... but sensibly." Nothing too prophetic, but I think he was trying to make me feel better about wanting a Coolatta! I don't really have any... I'm just really, really, really trying to take it easy. I sit a lot more at work, I don't run around like crazy at home... I'm doing all I can to get these babies to a safe place.

Milestones: Double digits in the weeks! Double digits!

Thursday, December 2

Getting a baby

I really need to post a belly picture (at 9w3d-- ridiculous) because I'm already huge.


Walking from art with my class

A: *pokes my stomach* Mrs. Jamerson, are you getting a baby?
Me: *totally caught off guard* ....Why?
A: Because you have a big belly. You're getting a baby right?

Monday, November 29

Cerclage Date

So I got the letter that my cerclage is scheduled for January 6th.


Why am I so nervous for that?!

Anyways... can anyone give me information about what to expect? :)

Monday, November 22

First OB Appointment

This week has flown!

Today I had my first post-graduation OB appointment. My last OB quit in July to spend time with her son, so I had to switch to the other OB in the practice- Dr. K. And let me tell you... I LOVE HIM. (Much more than my old OB which is a big thing because I really liked her too!)

I had met him briefly while on bedrest back with the boys and immediatley liked him-- he actually was the doctor who came in after reviewing my results and told me that I could go home at 28 weeks. :) (He wasn't the one who did the exam though, and he was just reading results, so I'm not holding anything against him.)

We were with him for OVER a 1.5 hours. He was so concerned with getting our history right and going over our "game plan" for this pregnancy. (Because, well, the last pregnancy + twins this time = extrememely high risk and precarious.) He checked everything out and gave us another ultrasound (yes!). (Both babies are still looking great, right on target for 8 weeks.)

Our next few weeks look like...

Dec 7th meet with a NEW high risk doctor in Boston. (He is NOT a fan of my old high risk doctor! He wouldn't say anything directly degrading, BUT he immediately said that we would not being going back to him under ANY circumastances... as far as I know the old Dr. C won't be allowed near me no matter what.)

Dec 23rd we have the 12 week screening in Boston

Jan 3rd we meet back with Dr. K to go over results and get the ball rolling for our plans

Then pretty much any time after that the cerclage is being placed... he's aiming for 13-15 weeks, so we'll see when that happens.

Basically I just feel so comfortable with him. He made it very clear that there are no guarantees, but he will do everything in his power to get us to a safer place. (His aim for now is 30-32 weeks.) He also said that we'll love our new high risk doctor and that the practice is just phenomenal. So, I'm excited... we're just in a good place.

And interestingly enough... he made it sound like, if we got far enough, VBAC would be an option. He said that my Csection incision WASN'T the kind that makes it an impossibility. (This is the complete opposite of what my old OB had said.)

Monday, November 15


A lot excited and only a little terrified. Not of having two, but of getting two here safely come July.
We got a ton of pictures of the two perfect babies. Perfect size, perfect heartbeat, perfect in every way.
Start those prayers coming.

Sunday, November 14


This time tomorrow we will know how many we are expecting! I am super excited! (And a little terrified!)

11am can't come fast enough!

Check back tomorrow!

Friday, November 12


So, I just googled the most times that someone has ever been struck by lightning.


In 35 years Roy Sullivan was struck by lightning 7 times.

That doesn't make me feel better.

See, as I get further into this pregnancy (though I'm only 6w4d if my calculations are correct) and the nerves and fears slowly creep in, so do the questions. Those stupid What Ifs I have been battling for long before I even got pregnant with the twins... though they have changed shape over the years...

What was I thinking putting two back? What if the same thing happens this time? What if I lose a baby again? What if I go in on Monday and there is no baby? What if there is no heartbeat? What if I'm forced on bedrest away from Colby? What if I endangered a baby because I put two back? What if... what if... what if???

So then I try to convince myself that none of that will happen. This will go perfectly because lightning doesn't strike twice. Bad things can't always happen, right? We've been through enough, it's time for a break.

But then Roy Sullivan was struck by lightning 7 times. Those are pretty small odds.

And we've been through a lot too... against the odds. The odds of us battling infertility at 22 and 23 respectively? The odds of having twins? The odds of such early bed rest? The odds of such early labor and delivery? The odds of losing a 27w1d old 2lb9oz baby?

All against the odds.

So why couldn't it all happen again? Why couldn't things go terribly wrong?

It's not like everyone has a limit of bad things in their lives ... that once you hit the max (oh, like losing a baby...) your bad meter is turned off and life is sunshine and rainbows forever after.

So I'm sitting in a precarious place. A place where I am so incredibly thrilled and in AWE that I'm pregnant again. Colby will be a big brother. We will be building our family just like we want. But it's also a terrifying place where I feel like it's just a matter of time before the other shoe drops and all hell breaks loose.

Because that's what happens, right?

So I'll stay inside to avoid the lightning.

Monday, November 8

Beta 3

Alrighty... beta doubling concerns are gone.

Day 15, 10/29: 730
Day 21, 11/1: 3,445 (doubling of 2.68 days)
Day 28, 11/8: 34,829 (doubling of 2.1 days... though it should have been slowing down by now)

Ultrasound is Monday at 11am.


Friday, November 5

One Year Later

One year ago we walked into the NICU for the last time as patients (ever hopefully).
109 days after the boys were born, 107 days after losing Connor, it was finally time to leave.

We unhooked the monitors for the last time and donned Colby's Daddy-picked-out Coming Home outfit.

We said good bye to some of our favorite nurses.

We strapped him in his new car seat.

And headed out--

Headed for home.

To a lifetime of...





Here's to a wonderful year, Buggaboo.

You've been the best part of every day, every minute, every second.

We love you to the moon and back-- and back again!

Monday, November 1

Beta #2

I'm totally bummed about Beta #2. I'm not trying to be too upset by the slower doubling (something like 2.68), but it's hard!

On the 26th (15dpo) it was at 730
Today (21dpo) it's at 3,445

Last time at 16dop I was at 658
And 22dpo it was over 8,000.

I know I can't really compare the two, BUT...

We go back the 8th for more blood. That's too long!

Tuesday, October 26

Here we go again!

Our test day was today at 12dp3dt. (15dpo) Obviously we have known this since the transfer day. BUT Johnny and I decided to tell our families that we couldn't test until after Halloween so that they wouldn't be asking us about the results before we were ready to tell them. We had plans of going to see them the Saturday before Halloween in Colby's costume. Then we were going to tell them that he had another costume on underneath. His costume would come off to show a shirt that said "Big Brother" and everyone would be so happy. YAY!...

Now back to our reality...

Saturday: 9dp3dt (12dpo)
In the AM Johnny took Colby out to go pick up some tests so that I could sleep for an extra 20 minutes. He got home and I took the first test. Two perfect pink lines. YES! We were pregnant!! It worked. So happy! :) Immediately I decided that I didn't want to wait until NEXT Saturday. We were already heading to my parents house for dinner so it seemed like the perfect timing. We made a detour to Carter's to find a "Big Brother" shirt. The smallest one we could find was 2T (because apparently you're not supposed to be a Big Brother until you're 2). We grabbed the cutest one we could find and dressed Colby in it and put his vest over it.

When we got to my parents house I told my mom that Colby was too hot and asked her to take off his vest. She takes it off and... NO reaction! Johnny and I spend the next 10 minutes trying to hint at the shirt to my mom, dad, brothers, and sister-in-law. And NO ONE GOT IT. So finally, I had to be very direct and everyone was happy. :)

Then my other brother and my almost-sister-in-law came over. And we played the whole vest-hot-take-it-off thing again. And they were CLUELESS too! So much for my awesome plan! Oh well... :)

Then later on that evening we popped by Johnny's parents to drop off something. Johnny asked them to meet us in the car and told them "Look at the awesome shirt we just got for Colby!" His mom looks at it and says "Oh, Big Brother. That's cute. He'll be so confused." and then walks over and kisses Colby. NO REACTION from her or Johnny's dad. SO we have to explain it to them too!

In the end... no one got it from seeing it. It is probably our fault because (1) we told them we wouldn't know for a week and (2) Colby's always in Little Brother stuff and it probably didn't register.

Sunday: 10dp3dt (13dpo)
Another positive test even more beautiful than the last!

Monday: 11dp3dt (14dpo)
And another- because it was a three pack afterall! Am exhausted and queasy all day.

Tuesday: 12dp3dt (15dpo)
Beta Day!!!

As a comparison before you get my results... with the twins in 09 at 13dp3dt (16dpo) I had a Beta of 658.

Today, at 12dp3dt or 15dpo, I had a Beta of .......... 730.

I was told that "In a perfect world the beta would be between 100 and 200." I also can start doing the PIO injections once every other day!

Holy cow. So... we wait to see the levels rise. I go back on Monday, Nov. 1. Then we wait to see what we have growing inside.

It hasn't hit me yet. I feel it. I'm already EXHAUSTED and queasy all day. But the fact that I'm having another baby? That hasn't struck yet. But we will make it as close to full-term as they will let me. I really hope we will!

Tuesday, October 19

Another baby gone too soon

A friend just lost her baby 2 days before his scheduled c-section due to umbilical problems.

I'm sick for them.

Please keep them in your thoughts.


IBack when Colby came home I would think what it would be to have two infants. Two babies crying at the same time who needed mommy. Two babies to be changed. Two babies to bathe. Two babies to put to bed.

It would be overwhelming and I would be that much more tired.

But now we're out of that phase. Colby loves to play by himself just as much as he likes a play buddy. He is daring and energetic and happy and talking and just such a perfect toddler.

Now I catch myself as I'm sitting on the floor. Colby will be pushing his truck across the floor and I wonder just for moment what it would be like to have two toddlers. How would they play together? Would they love to do everything together? Would they be more bonded to each other than to me?

And I want it so badly because I'm meant to have two toddlers right now. Two boys just over 1 year old. Two boys to cuddle and kiss and giggle with.

Only I'm not meant to have two toddlers right now. Instead I have a perfect, healthy toddler who is so much cuter and smarter and funnier than I ever dreamed of. And we all have a perfect angel watching over us.

Sunday, October 17

Due Date + 1 Year

Today is the boys' 1 year due date. Crazy. AND I could be pregnant again! (Well, I am for the time being, right?)

I could hold and cuddle my baby boy today! Well, my toddler. It was wonderful... I missed him and I like to think he missed me. He was glued to me all day long.

We got the final letter from the clinic today. (Well, yesterday, but we didn't check the mail.) Zero embryos to freeze. I'm in disbelief a little bit. We started with 22 possible follicles. That's a huge number, right? But then ended up with 8 from the left and the pain of a ridiculously swollen right side. Then of those 8, only 5 fertilized. And then 3 continued to grow normally. And then we put back 2 slow-growers (and are crossing our fingers!) and the last one didn't make it more than another day or 2. Just like I said last time... I can't figure out how people get pregnant on their own.

Off to bed, reality starts again tomorrow. I had a 1 day work week last week. (Mon=holiday, Tues=rest day, Wed= work, Thurs=transfer, Fri=rest again!) Every week should be like that!

Saturday, October 16

Is 72 hours up?

I am so happy that we did this IVF. But some parts aren't so much fun.

Like the waiting. AHHH I hate waiting. It's been 2 days since the transfer, but it feels like it has been 2 months. JUST TELL ME ALREADY.

And like the sore injections. My back/hip/butt area is killing me. I know it's because I don't massage or use heat enough, but I don't really have time. So instead I deal with the constant ache. Only *hopefully* 11 more weeks left? :)

But the worst?

Not being able to pick him up.

Here he is trying to climb up my pant leg.

It is the WORST.

It's actually kind of nice to get to sleep (Sorry, Johnny, you have to be in charge. I can't lift Colby for 72 hours!) but I miss our cuddles and picking him up and bath and stories and everything. Last night he went to be late, so he was mighty cranky. All he wanted was MAMA! He was crying and reaching for me, but I couldn't do it because I can't put him in his crib.

It's tearing my heart out. I feel like I'm already choosing this new (hopefully) baby over Colby. And I hate that. I sat on the stairs crying while he finally calmed down with Johnny.

I need my baby. And tomorrow marks 72 hours!

Thursday, October 14

Transfer Complete

For the sake of argument, I am currently pregnant.

I like writing that.

The transfer was completed around 11 am this morning.

I spent all last night worrying about 1 or 2 embryos. I couldn't decide. Eventually I decided that I would leave it up to the embryos. If I had a great embryo I would put back 1 only. And if they were just okay, then I would put back 2.

We got there around 10am and started drinking. Last time I drank 7 (yes, 7) glasses of water. I thought I would DIE by the time my hour was up and the transfer was completed. (Then I was worried that I would accidentally pee on the doctor...) And it KILLS me that the doctor decides to talk to you about your embryos AFTER you're already so full you could explode! I get why they do it (it's the only time they have the time to sit and talk) but come on... I don't want to wait one more second than I have to! :)

So, this time I only drank 4 glasses of water and they only had me wait 45 minutes. (YES!) We went back, they decided that I was sufficiently full and they even let me reduce some of the fullness. (YES again!)

I went into the actual transfer thinking I would have to fight for my right to put back 2 embryos (if needed) but the doctor was all on board. The embryologist had already put 2 embryos into the catheter.

The doctor came in and talked to us about the embryos. We had three that were still growing. As a comparison, our two embryos last time were:
8 cell, grade A fragmentation (0-5%), and fair symmetry
6 cell, grade B fragmentation (5-15%), and fair symmetry

This time, we were a little disappointed... we had:
4 cell, grade A fragmentation, fair symmetry
5 cell, grade B fragmentation, fair symmetry
4 cell, grade B fragmentation, fair symmetry

We ended up putting back 2 embryos because they were growing so much slower. The doctor (who wasn't "mine" but was instead the doctor there that day) said that the slower growth might simply be because our transfer was at 11am this time and it was at 3pm last time. Maybe the 4 hours made a difference? Either way, our fingers are crossed and I am hoping that it works. (And that I didn't make the wrong decision by putting 2 back... I know it doesn't mean that it WILL work and that it doesn't mean we WILL have twins gain, but I can't even think about the possibility of ending up in the NICU again.)

Wednesday, October 13

Transfer Day! And opinions!

Transfer day is set for tomorrow!

I'm a little bummed that it's tomorrow because I had such high hopes for a great cycle with lots of eggs and lots of embryos to freeze, but that's not quite what happened. I know that amazing things can come from a 3 day transfer (the boys!), though.

We had 8 eggs on Monday. Then 5 fertilized and we had the 5 yesterday. Of those, 3 are growing normally. 3. I am so happy and thankful for those three, but it's not quite what I expected. (but then again, I guess none of the baby-stuff from 2006 onward has been what I expected!)

But I need opinions... my doctor suggested we put back 1 embryo, but was willing to leave it up to me. There is no certain evidence that twins led to their prematurity. It could have been a whole host of things. So, we were between 1 and 2. Then my doctor quit and I was unceremoniously transferred to another doctor in the clinic. All along I've had some issues with being switched (I generally am not a fan of his nursing team) but we have been moving right along. Now, a day away from the transfer I've been inquiring about how many embryos I can put back. I was told that my new doctor says 1. (because he does not allow more than 1 for anyone under the age of 30) BUT I have the right to make my own decision. If, on transfer day, I insist on transferring 2, then I have to sign a paper saying I am doing it "Against Medical Advice".

So basically I don't know what to do! What are your opinions? I don't want to go through what we did last year. But the idea of it NOT working is so scary. But I also don't want to be selfish and risk the health of a baby/babies by doing the wrong thing. I'm just stuck.

And I really wish my doctor had taken the time to talk to me about this!

Tuesday, October 12

We have 5!

We have 5 zygotes!

I'm still a little annoyed about the whole "right-side-thing," but I have gotten over it and I am focusing on the fact that I really only need 1!

We were set up as a 2/3/5 day flex transfer. With 5 zygotes doing well, we are now a 3/5 day flex. We will know tomorrow if we will be a 3 day transfer on Thursday or a 5 day transfer on Saturday.

I'm very excited... by Halloween we should know if we are (cautiously) expecting a baby!

Monday, October 11


So... we had the retrieval today. We arrived at 8 and I went in at 9.

It was a bit of a let down...

Going in I had 12 possible on the Right and 10 possible on the Left.

I came out and they said they got 8.

Then we asked about my Right side. They couldn't find the right side and they didn't have time so they only did the left. But, "don't worry. 8 is a good number."

Uggh, my right side is killing me still and I'm frustrated because IUI to IVF we had 6 eggs. That was an IUI cycle and we had 6. They were content to get 8 with an IVF cycle. I can only imagine how many they would have gotten if they could access the right side.

And now I'm mad at the nurse who assured me that the right would be absolutely no problem. And kudos to the ultrasound tech.

But, maybe a good thing... the anesthesiologist and the retrieval doctor were the same as last time! Good luck, maybe?

Saturday, October 9

How did we get here?!

So, it's Saturday night. October 9th. I have stimmed for 9 days. And I just did my HCG trigger at 9pm.

I cannot believe that we're already here.

The retrieval is Monday morning at 9am. This is the best possible schedule we could have hoped for with work. Monday is the holiday, so there is no school. If we have a 5 day transfer, it will be Saturday.

I'm looking forward to no injections for anything for 36 hours. Then bring on the IV, huge IVF needles, and PIO injections.

Here's what we were looking at today...
Right Side Left Side
1 @ 21 2 @ 18
1 @ 19 2 @ 17
2 @ 18 3 @ 14
1 @ 17 3 @ 13
2 @ 16 Total: 10
1 @ 15
2 @ 14
1 @ 13
1 @ 10
Total: 12

So, as you can guess, I am really hoping 2 things:
(1) Some of the lower ones (the 17's, 16's, etc.) will grow over the next 36 hours. I was a little upset they triggered me. I really expected to wait another day or so until I had more around the 18-21mm range.
(2) They can access the right side because those are 12 of my follicles. (And my bigger ones, too!)

Here's to making Colby a Big Brother!

Thursday, October 7

Follicle Check Results

Results from the follicle check this AM.

Left side:
1 at 15mm
2 at 13mm
3 at 12mm
2 at 11mm
2 at 10mm
+ a few too small to measure

Total Left: 10

Right side:
1 at 13mm
1 at 12.5mm
4 at 12mm
1 at 11mm
2 at 10mm
+ a few too small to measure

Total Right: 9

I specifically called the nursing line to see what the deal was with my right ovary. Will it be useful even if it doesn't move? The u/s tech again (same one) was talking again about how it wouldn't be reachable... which totally makes sense to me. They find it just a tad below my bellybutton with the external wand. I'm not sure I want a needle all up inside me quite that far... :) The nursing line nurse (not the regular, but an associate) said not to worry; that they would get it no matter what. BUT she also left me a 7 minute disjointed message so I'm not sure I completely believe her. At this point I feel like it will be what it is. I can't change anything. All I can do is hope and pray, so that's what I'm doing.

They bumped GonalF down to 37.5IU tonight. I can't believe that it's so low. I go back tomorrow for blood. I can't believe how close we are getting to the retrieval. I'm so excited and nervous.

I can't believe we're finally here.

We started the Baby #3 journey 6 weeks after the boys were born. (We hoped and prayed, but didn't really expect it to work... and it didn't) Then I met with my OB in April for the go-ahead for Baby #3 and met with RSC in May. So finally... 5 months later we are at the finish line. :)

Wednesday, October 6

Our Schedule...

A schedule of exhaustion... here's what my days look like now with all that is going on...

5am: Wake up, shower, dry hair, etc. Colby has a sixth sense (or he's just sensitive to my alarm) and always wakes up with me. He plays on the bathroom floor while I shower and plays on our bedroom floor while I get ready. So, of course, getting ready takes 2x as long.

6am: Dress Colby, play on floor downstairs while I finish last minute packing of myself and diaper bag.

6:20am (if we're lucky, 6:30am if we're not): In car en route to Day Care

7:25am: Arrive at Day Care (darn traffic!)

7:35am: Leave a screaming Colby and drive to work (so sad!)

7:50am: Arrive at work, finish up last minute things for the day

8:15am: Kids arrive and day begins

2:40pm: Bell, kids leave

2:50pm: Teachers allowed to leave, finish up last minute things

3:00pm: In car en route to Day Care again

3:15pm: Arrive Day Care, chat about Colby's day, wrestle afternoon snack away from Colby for a kiss

3:25pm: In car en route home

4pm: Home! Play time!
  • Though I have a million things for school, if Colby's awake, I'm playing with him. I very, very, very rarely do school work while he's awake. (Unless I have something due that evening that HAS to get done.)
5pm: Make Colby's dinner, feed him

5:30pm: More play! Yay!

7pm: Bath, books, bed

7:45pm (~8pm): Colby's asleep

8pm: Think about dinner for Johnny and I, whip up something fast

8:30pm: Course work, school work, catching up on emails, laundry, wash bottles, etc.
  • Every Tuesday I have a paper due for my Assessment Class and a mini-assignment due for Theory
  • Every Wednesday I have responses due for my Theory Class
  • Every Thursday I have a mini-assignment due for Acquisition
  • Every Friday I have responses due for my Assessment and Acquisition Classes
  • Every Sunday I have a paper due for my Theory Class
  • Every week I have 2-4 chapters of reading for all 3 classes- so between 6 and 12 chapters a week
  • Every week I have at least 1 bigger project for each of my classes... this week I had an Assessment Review for Wednesday and a Critical Journal for Monday.
8:45pm: Lupron and GonalF injections

8:46pm: Back to school work until bedtime

11pm-12am: Without fail Colby wakes up at least 1 time

12am: Bed, finally!

~3am: Colby wakes again. If it's before 3:30am I try to get him to go back down in his bed. If it's between 3:30am and 4:30am I bring him to bed in hopes of catching a few more minutes. If it's after 4:30am, we're up for the day.

Tuesday, October 5

Follicle Check

Today I had my follicle check. Things were looking okay... looks like I have about 17 follicles all together- still not measurable, but growing. :)

I did learn something a little bothersome though. I mentioned awhile ago that my right ovary was now floating somewhere near my kidney? It's ridiculously high up there and next to impossible to get with the internal ultrasound. They've had to use the external probe to measure my right side.

Well, the ultrasound tech (one I love) told me that, if they can't view it from the internal ultrasound, they won't be able to access it for the IVF. Meaning... if things don't shift a little, I'm working on my IVF from one ovary only. She mentioned that the sheer weight of the follicles might make it more accessible as time goes on, but right now it's not looking too good.

I go back in 2 days for another check. They lowered my GonalF to 112.5IU for tonight and then 75IU for tomorrow. We'll see where we are on Thursday morning. :)

Sunday, October 3

He is amazing

Lately I've been so preoccupied with school (AH, so busy!) and IVF (AH! So excited and nervous!) Sometimes I think I forget on here that some people might want to hear about Colby. :)

Simply put? He is amazing. Absolutely amazing.

I have always loved him. (Obviously) But it wasn't too bad for me to go back to school last April. I missed him a TON, but it was "easy" because I didn't think he knew any different. Now he knows. And he cries. And it's awful. And all I want is to be with him.

Because he is so amazing.

He's so close to walking. He'd rather crawl though, I'm convinced. Or push his Leap Frog table along and walk with that.

We finally figured out how to get him to give us kisses. He was kissing ANYTHING under the sun. I could point to something and could have him kiss the couch, the dog, the phone- anything. But kisses for Mommy or Daddy? Rare. Daddy simply realized that we just have to point to our lips when we ask for a kiss. Ahhh... now a kiss every time. BLISS.

He is amazing.

He's still my peanut. He still wears 6-9 month pants and shirts quite well, but frankly I'm bored with them so I put him in bigger 9-12 month stuff a lot. I tried 12-18 month pants and a shirt yesterday. He was swimming.

I swear that when you look at him you can see the wheels in his head turning. I already say he's going to be an engineer because you can just see him logically figuring things out. We got a lock for the toilet because things were going for a swim. He totally knows how to open it-- his fingers just aren't strong enough yet.

At the same time he's a total daredevil who loves to roll, climb, and launch himself wherever he wants to go. He has no fear.

Every night I put him to bed and stumble down stairs. (Because I inevitably fall asleep lately whenever I'm in his room with him.) And all I can think is how much I want to be playing with him again. I miss him before he's been asleep 10 minutes.

He loves to eat almost anything. Fruit and veggies are definitely his favorite. But he has a sweet tooth and enjoys cake and cookies as well. :)

Every day I remember how fragile life is. I remember what it took to get here. I remember how strong and brave he has been since the day he was born.

And I am so very thankful that I have my amazing miracle to cuddle. I breathe him in and I am complete.

He is amazing.
And he is mine.

Friday, October 1


I keep fluctuating between extreme excitement that I could be pregnant in less than 1 month and absolute terror that I won't be.

The first IUI we did I was devastated when it failed. The only "issue" we having going against us is that I was diagnosed with PCOS and I don't ovulate on my own.. So, I figured that if they knew I had a measurable follicle, they knew that the sperm was looking good, and they placed one right next to the other, well, it had to work. The day I got the call saying that the first IUI didn't work I was in shock. I couldn't fathom how it didn't work. The subsequent IUI's, those I understood that they might not work.

Then we had the IUI to IVF and I knew that was going to work. Or at least, I couldn't understand how it wouldn't. And it did, so I didn't have to worry about that.

So now here we are 2 weeks or so away from the retrieval and transfer and I'm seesawing between absolute certainty and absolute fear. It has to work- it all seems so simple. Place fertilized egg in ready uterus. Wait 9 months. Voila- baby!

But then logic sets in and I know that it's not a guarantee. In fact, statistics tell me that it doesn't happen a lot of the time. And I really am not sure what I'll do if it doesn't. I'm not sure that with all the stress I'm under right now and all we have gone through in the past 1.5 years how I will handle it.

I know, I know... I should be focusing on the good. On the possibility of it working. On the happiness when it does work (because it will some day). But the fear is just waiting to come in and I'm having a hard time keeping it out...

Monday, September 27

Updates badly needed!

Quick update...

Birth Control is over. Thankfully. I hate that stuff! :) It caused me to break out pretty badly... or maybe that's the Lupron?

Lupron is going well... 7 days in. I go for my supression check on the 30th and I'm so exited.

I love that things are moving along.

Today I had a mini panic attack that maybe things won't work. And this will be all for nothing.

I'm considering calling RSC to have a phone consult with my new doctor about:

(1) The fact that my right ovary is floating somewhere near my kidney and my uterus kind of moved due to the CSection/pregnancy. This can only make pregnancy harder, right?

(2) Maybe they'll let me put in 2 embryos? I know it's a gamble and I definitely DO NOT want to go through bed rest/13 week preemie twins/losing a baby/NICU for over 3 months again, but I also feel like I "know" what I did wrong last time. (I definitely DID NOT take it easy enough, and that's something I'll always regret.) But the idea that I'll end up not pregnant at all after this cycle makes me all panic-y. But then I feel all selfish because I know that's really just me putting my fear of failure before the overall safety. But maybe it's not? Plenty of people have full-term babies.

So I don't know...

So, yes, in short... I'm still alive.

Back to my paper?

Monday, September 20

Avoiding the needle...

1st dose of lupron is sitting next to me. I'm supposed to inject it in the next 18 minutes, but I'm not ready to start injecting myself! :) I wish Johnny were home-- I do so much better when he does the injections!

I'm also taking 50,000IU of Vitamin D 2x a week because apparently my Vitamin D is really low. A typical dose is 400IU over the counter. After I'm done with my month of 50,000IU I'll be on a 2,000IU a day dose. Am I not out in the sun enough?

Tuesday, September 14

IVF and Work

I am beyond exhausted lately. I think I might have finally taken on too much. Maybe?

I've always been the type to do a lot and have a lot on my plate. I usually get stressed when the perfect storm of everything-needing-to-be-done-at-once occurs, but it passes and then I move on and life is good.

BUT HOLY COW. That perfect storm? THE WHOLE ENTIRE SEMESTER. Every day I have something due. A paper or a discussion or a project or something. Add on the fact that the beginning of the school year ALWAYS requires a ridiculous amount of work (and lots of late days for meetings and Back to School Night and such). Oh and for some genius reason I decided to start a whole new literacy-plan concept that I read about this summer and have never done before. And the fact that Colby still wakes up about 4 times a night. AND the IVF because, kill me now, this birth control is royally messing with me. And enter pure, total exhaustion. Bed at 12, up at 5. Up usually 2 or 3 times in the middle there. Maybe 3 hours of sleep? When I'm lucky.

This week I've had a thought that I have never had before. Maybe I really have taken on too much. Maybe I really have reached my limit and then pushed it? For a brief moment I contemplated dropping a class. But I pushed through. 2 weeks down, 12 more to go... I can do it, right? Maybe.

Sooo IVF. This birth control SUCKS. Horribly. I've been nauseous and exhausted and I hate it. But I'm a week in and the end is in sight. I start Lupron the 20th. If I get the prescription because... to add to the stress, my RE whom I LOVE decided to quit. Flat out quit and not tell me. Seriously. I called my RE's nursing line about 3 weeks ago to get my blood work done so that I could start the provera and everything was fine. 2 weeks later I call the same line with Day 1 and I'm greeted with a lovely nurse who puts everything together. Then at the end she sweetly asks "You know that Dr. A. left the practice, right?" Ummm NO. The nurse goes on to tell me that my RE and ALL THE FEMALE DOCTORS IN THE PRACTICE decided to start their own practice.

So... either I can follow her and call this cycle a waste, OR I can continue with a new doctor in the same practice. So of course I decide to continue because I don't care if I'm cycling with a woman, a man, or a toad, I'm doing this IVF. (Because really, I started this process in May... though we have technically been trying since Colby at 6 weeks old.)

That's where we stand. I'm so ready to start injecting myself with hormones. :)


But being back at school- so much worse this year. It's just been a series of small little issues that are overwhelming me in a way I know they shouldn't. (A product of the exhaustion and stress, I'm sure.)


The first day of school there was comments in the teachers room about twins because a teacher's niece just announced she was expecting twins. And "Oh my God. Could you even imagine twins? How crazy would that be?!!"

Yes, it would be crazy. It would be even crazier if both my boys were alive.


Or the fact that the day care person keeps talking about this little boy who used to go to day care there. His name? Connor J. of course. I don't know what the J stands for. But "I can't believe it! Colby looks just like Connor J. when he was little!" Even a 3 year old told me that Colby looks like Connor J.

The day care person has mentioned it every day. So finally today I just told her that it creeps me out because well, we had Connor J. And then I get "Oh wow. That's so strange! Can you believe it?"

No I can't, but just stop talking about it. PLEASE? It's already bad enough that I have to leave my baby ALL DAY. Don't make it worse.

And some how there are 4 teachers with twins at the school. And it's so stressful to have twins. Keep them in the same class or different? The fights between each other. And on and on and on. AND SIGH.

And how I wish I had those issues.

And I have a boy in my class: Connor John. (Connor's name and Colby's middle name... apparently we had good taste?) He is best friends with a little boy named Brett. I have to talk to the two of them a lot because they talk and talk and talk. But I have to catch myself. If I start with Brett's name I can say "Brett & Connor" no prob. But when I start with Connor? I have slipped and said "Connor & Colby!" about 5 times in 4 days.

And I wish I could actually be saying it to my Connor and Colby.


And Colby cried for the first time when I dropped him off at Day Care today. I left my baby in a puddle of tears.

The worst EVER. But the smiles at the end? Great.


So, you see? Stupid little things, but in my state... it's just a lot. I thought starting over in a new place would be good, but it's sadder. No, I'm not "the one who lost a baby" to them, but I'm also not "Connor & Colby's mom" to them. And I think that's worse.

It's been hard... I didn't expect it to be harder this time around. Being back at work for the 2nd (3rd really) time. But it's so much harder. I miss Connor so much more. Being in a new place, starting a new routine... just another step away from July 2009. It's so, so very hard. And really, the exhaustion just puts everything so much closer to the surface. So the acceptance I had gained. The perspective I had... it's not enough to make it okay any more. Or to make it even seem a little okay.

So, one step forward... a whole year back?

Tuesday, September 7

A few updates

Lots has been going on around here. But I've been too busy to even sleep, let along post...

Back to School
My 3 grad classes started on Sept. 1. They actually don't look too bad, but they look pretty boring. I'm taking Language Acquisition which I took in college as an undergrad. I'm also taking Assessment and Treatment of Reading Disabilities & Theory and Research in Reading. Did I already mention BORING? I'm working toward my M.Ed in Reading and Language... I guess I just didn't expect the classes to be so awful. Right now I'm licensed to teach PreK-2 and I didn't want to get a degree to teach 1-6 because I didn't want to get stuck with Grade 6, so I'm going so that I'll be a licensed Reading Specialist. I can't wait for it to be over, but it's looking to be a long ways off. At the end of this semester I'll have 18 of my 30 credits and then I'll take 6 more in the Spring. So... another year and a half?

Back to Work
Today was the 1st day back for teachers. (We start really late compared to almost everyone else!) It was loooong day. Colby's going to day care now 3 days a week. It's a family program with 3-5 kids depending on the day. He loved it today and was exhausted when I picked him up, but it was so much harder for me this time around. I think it's because now I know that he really knows me and depends on me and I felt like I was abandoning him. It was such an awful feeling. I rushed out of school the second I could to get him.

School itself is interesting. I mentioned before that I switched schools. Here's why...
- Last year at the C/G (where I was) we had 4 K classes and 3 1st Grade classes.
- The plan for this year was to move to 4 1st grades because of the K's moving up. And then to have 3 K's because the numbers changed. I was going to move to 1st because I was the least senior.
- Numbers for K dropped so they went down to 2 K's at the C/G and I lost my post as the future 1st grade teacher. Instead the second least senior K teacher was to move up to 1st.
- I got sent to the L/R for their open K class.
- All was fine all summer... la de dah.
- Last minute, K enrollment at the C/G jumped and they ended up adding the 3rd K back.
- K teacher forced to move up to 1st decides to move back down to K leaving the 1st grade open.
- I'm still at the L/R because they don't want to disrupt that school.
- They hire a new teacher for the 1st grade--- the position I completely wanted forever.

And sigh..

And to top it off they wouldn't release my furniture from the C/G so I was left with nothing at the L/R. They ended up finding me a few tables and just enough chairs, but I don't have my carpet. It sounds stupid (well maybe not to the other teachers out there) but I LOVE that carpet. Last year in the beginning of the year my carpet was destroyed when my roof leaked so I got to order a brand new carpet. Don't you know I got the best one I could- it was a giant calendar so it had individual rectangles for everyone to sit in and plenty of room to do work on the floor. Ahhh I loved it. But they confiscated it and won't let it leave the C/G. And my new principal won't buy me a new one. Instead I was told to "go get a carpet remnant for like $60." Yes... just what I want to spend money on.

Kids come Thursday.

Back to IVF
Well I've taken 2 birth control pills and I start Lupron on the 20th and then go in for blood and u/s on the 30th. Excited to be back in it, but a little overwhelmed. Not looking forward to the start of the needles again...

If you need pictures of Colby, visit . I totally stole the idea from Alyssa...

Thursday, August 26


Couch to 5K & Weight
A few weeks ago I decided to start the Couch to 5K because it seemed easy enough and I had already been working on regularly enough on our treadmill in the basement. It went well for awhile, but then my right ankle really started to bother me. So I had my mom check it out and she recommended I just brace it when I run to strengthen the muscles. I haven't gotten a brace/bandage yet... so that's been on hold for about a week.

I'm also kind of following the "points" system for food to lose some weight. After I had the twins I dropped the weight pretty quickly and was back to my original clothing and such in less than the time it took for me to go back to school (so about 6 weeks) without trying. But then began the 16 hour days of home then school then the NICU then home again and in there began lots of bad eating. Pizza in the cafeteria, a snack on the way home, junk at school, etc and I put a bunch of the weight back on. Then I was home with Colby and it was easy to just snack at home for the next 5 months. So when I was back at school in April I felt huge and was just not too happy but kind of ignored it because I was busy with everything and had Colby to take care of. BUT then I was in my friend's wedding and I felt like a whale in the dress that was too many sizes bigger than I usually wear and feel comfortable in. Add in a million formal pictures and... well, you get the idea. I feel a lot better because I'm being much more careful about what I eat... so I'll either be back to my original size or smaller... or I'll be pregnant again. :) Either way is FINE by me!

Graduate Courses
So my THREE graduate courses start on Wednesday next week. They are all online which is a HUGE plus because I don't have to be away from Colby and I can do lots of my work on weekend nights and here-and-there when I have a minute.

As a Massachusetts teacher I have currently have an Initial license because I have a BS in Early Education from graduating in 2006. As a teacher with an Initial license, I have 5 years to get my Professional license... needed to get that is my Masters. I need to have it finished (technically) by August 2011. There's no way that's happening, though, so we'll worry about that later. I put off courses for a while too long and finally started in Spring 09. Since it's an online program, course offerings are limited and if you miss an offering, you have to wait awhile to have it offered again. AND on top of that, most classes have pre-reqs. So I took 2 courses in Spring 09 and one in Summer 09. THEN I didn't take anything in Fall 09 which made it impossible to take anything in Spring 10 because of the pre-reqs and so here I am, a year later finally able to take more classes!

I'm super nervous because I'm a bit of an over-achiever when it comes to school. I'll edit a paper 8 times and have 10 extra sources. I'll read a chapter 3 times and highlight just to make sure I don't miss anything. That makes me nervous because I know I won't have time to do that anymore. Most likely I'll have to write a paper, edit it once on the screen, and then submit. Maybe skim a chapter here and there. We'll see how that goes...

Our IVF should officially be starting in about a week. I'm currently on provera because my bloodwork revealed that nothing was happening. Once the cycle starts I'll go on my birth control pills and go from there. I'm super excited at the prospect of the IVF. But I am nervous that I'm an idiot for adding one more thing to my plate. But then I'm nervous that if I wait until everything settles down... well, who knows when things will work? Everything is just a huge unknown.

Colby gets bullet points...
- Colby is just over 13 months! Woohoo!
- He still just has his 4 teeth, but he's definitely working on more. (Hence the fact that he has already woken up 2 times tonight and it's only a little before 10pm)
-He has started to stand alone for short periods of time. He's so proud of himself when he does it- and he even stood and clapped for himself yesterday!
- We met with the family day care where Colby will be going 3 days a week. I'm so excited for him to be with other kiddos for a bit of time.
- His Early Intervention screening went awesome a few weeks ago. His self-help scored at 14 months. Social/cognitive were 13 months. Gross/fine motor were 11 months. And language was around 10 months, but even the screeners said it probably wasn't accurate because they can't take what we say into account for language- instead they had to hear the examples of everything and he was being super quiet while they were here. At that point he was being screened as 9 months, so it was all good.
- He LOVES eyeglasses, doors, the refrigerator, tv controllers, the phone... basically anything NOT meant to be a toy.
- He has a big head, but the rest of him in still peanut sized. He's still wearing 6-9 month clothing during the day. Pajamas are 12 months. His hats are 2T and up.
- He will finally hold his own bottle now.
- He still gets bottles a few times a day. Mostly we're on a straw cup, but I feel like he doesn't drink enough so the bottle ensures that he gets fluids.
- He LOVES to have his teeth brushed- though I think it's because the toothpaste tastes like candy.
- His favorite foods are green beans, carrots, strawberries, watermelon, macaroni, grilled cheese, and waffles. He much prefers to feed himself. He'll only eat chicken or turkey if it's the Stage 2 Gerber foods (sweet potatoes and turkey or apples and chicken). He won't touch beef.

Watching the neighbors...

Playing in his room. The PJs say "Little Brother". I can't wait til they can say "Big Brother" too!

Playing with Aloha.

Standing alone!

Sunday, August 22

Guest Book

When Connor died his obituary was put in the local paper. The obituary & a guest book were also put online where it was destined to stay for 1 year. After 1 year it was to be removed, so on July 23rd of this year it was to be removed unless someone paid to keep it up longer.

In the beginning a bunch of family members posted 1 time. I signed up for email so I was updated every time someone posted, so I would track the comments. After the initial week or so only my mom, my dad, and I would post every now and then. Usually just around month anniversaries, to say that we were thinking of him.

At one year, a few weeks ago I got an email reminding me that the guest book would be removed. I looked and I was the last to post at 6 months, so I didn't plan on paying to keep the book online longer. Instead, I cut and pasted all the entries to save in Connor's Memory Box and I haven't been back since.

Today I got an email from the page that hosts to guest book. It had a new posting.

August 21, 2010

Just thinking of you......


I was so touched by the simple words. A year and a month later- he was just thinking of him.

But then it occured to me that the book shouldn't be online anymore. It was to go offline on July 23rd unless I paid. But...


This Guest Book has been kept online until 7/23/2011 by Grampy & Grammy
Though my parents are quiet and don't say much, it is clear that they are still so very devoted to their first grandson. They haven't forgotten him. It's clear how incredibly affected they have been by the boys' birth, Connor's death, and Colby's life. It makes me proud to be part of my family and Mom to my amazing miracles.