Lucky number... 8?

I'm not sure I believe in magic anymore.  Christmas magic.  September-baby magic.  Dream magic.  It's-been-too-long-magic.  Happy 2009 magic.  Excellent sperm magic (if there is such a thing).  Super optimistic magic (I'm sure I just made this one up).  It doesn't exist.  At least not for me.  At least not yet.

So, it's a no.  Three times over, really.

So I was very, very impatient.  I mean, I was POSITIVE that THIS was THE cycle.  Basically I got my hopes up way too high... so I tested on Monday night (Day 12) thinking I for sure had at least twins.  So I figured that I would test early because Betas are higher for multi-pregnancies.  So, that came back negative.  I was upset, but, hey, it was only Day 12.  

I tested 24 hours later on Day 13 thinking this would be IT.  I was bummed it hadn't come back positive the day before, but I was still pretty positive it would on Tuesday.  Not so much.  So, by now, I was VERY upset... I had really, really convinced myself that this was IT.  I can't even tell you how many "symptoms" I had.  I even had a dream that I had gone in for an u/s and they had found 3 yolk sacs.  I was sure that was some kind of proof or sign or something.

So, I went in today... I guess cautiously optimistic.  I figured it wasn't "it"... and by then I had decided I didn't really want it to be "it" because my HCG obviously hadn't shown up on the home test, so I didn't want to have to worry about low Beta levels and all that stress.  But there was still some hope.  But I did something I never, ever do on testing days.  I checked off the "it's okay to leave a message" on the little pink card I have to fill out every time I go for blood or u/s.  (Usually I say it is NOT okay on testing days).  I guess I wasn't too hopeful... and I am REALLY sick of those "I'm sorry" calls.  So they left a message and it came back negative.  

I didn't get upset or cry with the call though.  I'm not sure if it was because I had mentally prepared myself, or because I was listening to the call in a room of kindergartners (illegally, I must add... :)).  But either way, I got through it fine.  Now I look forward to the next cycle.   

And really, there is an unprecedented number of pregnant people around.  Some I care about, so I am really happy for them.  And other's really deserve it (because I am so highly qualified to make this decision...) so I'm happy for them. But it's the huge plethora of pregnancy and babies all around in the general public.  Did you know Tim Allen and his wife are expecting?  As my hubby put it, "he's like 50 years old!".  Or Ben Affleck just had baby number 2?  (well, he didn't, but Jennifer Garner did).  Or the 7 pregnant ladies and babies at Lui Lui's the other night.  Or really, EVERYONE.  And I don't think it's because I'm just so highly observant, because I have been just as highly observant for 2 years now.  There really is a little mini-baby-boom around here.  You'll hear about it on the news soon.

With all this said, I want to make it clear that I don't think these people shouldn't have babies (at least not all of them)... it's just that they're everywhere.  It's a bit much.  :)

On a totally unrelated note (because I always need to add something completely irrelevant), one of my fabulous kindergartners fell down the stairs yesterday before coming to school.  She ended up in the hospital for x-rays and such.  No permanent damage, but, jeeze, I have NEVER seen so much bruising and swelling before in my life.  She looks like her face is a giant blueberry!  Poor kid!

Dealing with it...

I'm doing okay. Once again I had gotten my hopes up a bit. I had tested Saturday and it was negative, but I kept thinking that maybe it was too early, my levels hadn't gotten high enough yet, etc. So, though I expected it, the call sucked yesterday. Each time they call me with the negative results they seem to get sadder and sadder. I guess they're starting to know me and starting to become more invested in this whole process, too. :) It's so awkward on the phone when they tell me it's negative. I always want to hang up on them. Or cry. Or throw the phone. But I do my best to be strong and to listen to the directions ("We're ready for you to do another cycle if you want. Just call on Day 1.")... even if my voice breaks a little bit.

And that gets me thinking, as much as it hurts when they call me to tell me isn't negative, I don't think I'm prepared for the day they call and tell me it's positive. Who really wants a semi-stranger calling and telling them the thing they have been waiting for? I've always pictured Johnny and I huddled around the test (because I never test alone :) ) and finding out together. Other people aren't supposed to know til we tell them. Not the other way around. So I guess that's why I test before the official test. But will I ever really believe it until the official test?

So... I continue to deal. Take what comes and forget about what I can't control. (Which, unfortunately is a lot lately...)

. . .

I'm reminded of something my college roommate used to always say

Too bad. So sad.

And that sums it up.

Cycle 6... And 6 has always been my favorite number.

Here we go again.

And on an unrelated note... have you ever stopped to wonder just how much blood you have given to your RE? To date I've had almost 50 blood draws for RSC. That's in 1 year. And that's a lot of blood.

On a roller coaster...

More and more I feel like I'm on a roller coaster that I can't get off of.  Ever since the negative result I've felt like I'm nose diving and I can't stop.  Like I said before, that negative made me realize that this is "real".  Things aren't going to be as easy as I hoped and thought.  That I was going to have to work for this.  And that I wasn't going to be the lucky one that was just a "fluke".  

So I've been nose diving.  I love my hubby to death, but I have felt more and more alone lately.  We're in this together.  I know we are.  We go to as many appointments as we can together.  He comes to every appointments he can and he goes in with me to hold my hand through all the u/s and blood work.  He's held me as I've cried over the negatives.  But it hurts me so much more.  I feel like a failure and I take it so emotionally.  I get upset.  I get sad.  And I let it bring me down.  I'll admit I get sad when I see couples walking their stroller down the street and I get a little teary eyed when I watch the baby videos sent to us by friends.  It just bothers me all the time.

However, my hubby deals completely different.  He's upset we haven't gotten pregnant, but he's of the philosophy that "Everything will work out."  and "We can't get upset and think about it all the time because what good is that going to do?  It's not going to change anything."  I agree with him on the first point.  I honestly believe that everything will work out.  We WILL get pregnant.  I WILL have a baby.  But having that faith isn't enough to make me not get upset.  

So, I get upset, sad, and down sometimes.  (Not too often, but lately it has been striking at weird times... like yesterday when we were at a cookout, babies were only mentioned maybe 2 times and not in relation to me, and the youngest person there was my brother's 20 year old girl friend... so why did it come up?  Beats me...)  And more and more it makes the hubby and I argue.  I get sad.  He gets upset that I'm letting it get me down (because logically it won't do any good and because he hates to see me upset).  Then I get upset at him because he doesn't get upset (which I know isn't fair...) and say that it doesn't bother him as much...  Blah blah blah.  Basically it's a cycle that I need to get out of, but I don't know how to because I have been so much more upset about it lately.  

I need to just accept and deal but I honestly don't know HOW.  Which makes me feel out of control and sad and frustrated and just blah.   I feel so freakin' alone and frustrated sometimes.  I don't want to complain to people who have been through so much more, but my heart is breaking and I don't know what to do.   And I just feel like the one person I really WANT to talk to doesn't really understand why I am feeling so frustrated and sad.  (And I don't want you to think that my hubby is uninvolved and uncaring and doesn't want this as much as I do.  Because that's not true.  We're just dealing with the issues at hand in different ways... it's enough for him that we're doing everything in our power to get pregnant.  That's not enough for me... I need some results!  And I obsess about things a little too much.  He doesn't see the point in getting upset and obsessing.  And logically I don't, either.  But I still do it.)

I go to the doctors tomorrow AM again so hopefully there is some good solid growth.  I need to see things looking up.  Maybe that will put me in a better mind frame.   :)

Negative...

I went in this AM for blood and it went well.  I just got the call, though.  Negative.  So... next cycle I guess.  I don't even know what to say...  I can't say I'm heart broken because I kind of expected it.  However, I am worn out and broken down... it sucks.  Honestly, I'm not sure how long I can do this... it just hurts.  :(  I know I'm still in the early game, but it didn't get easier.  I can only hope that it does...