Thursday, February 25
Colby has been keeping me busy. :) He's full of energy. Though he typically sleeps well and goes down well, the past few nights he has been waking for a 2am feeding and then fighting going back to sleep. Two nights ago he fought from 2am to 5:30am and last night he fought from 2am to almost 4am. By fight I mean, lay calmly awake while smiling at me every few minutes-- enough to break my heart at even the thought of leaving him. :) (Yes, I still only put him to sleep when he's fully asleep. Any other way and I feel like I'm missing out.)
Anyways, lack of sleep aside, he's cute as can be and I'm still having a ball. I have a little ticker in my head for going back to school and I'm trying to enjoy every last second that I can with my little smile-monster.
I still have moments where I look at him and cannot believe that I am lucky enough to be his mom.
When the boys were born I was looking forward to having that overwhelming feeling of pure instant undeniable love of my babies. The feeling you "see" on tv (like I said, I watched WAY too much A Baby Story) of look what we created and I can't believe that's my baby.
Honestly, in the beginning, I didn't really have those feelings-- at least not like I planned. Instead I had overwhelming feelings of thank God they're alive and please, please, please keep them safe for me- I need them. The feelings of overwhelming love quickly came, but I think one of my favorite feelings is the one of not believing that I am lucky enough to be the boys' mom.
Colby will be sitting in the high chair covered in cereal and I will be overcome with a feeling of pure awe.
I will look at the photos of Connor on my dresser and the awe washes over me.
I stare at the artfully painted letters over Colby's crib and am so glad they are the letters of my son's name.
I watch as Colby peacefully drifts off to sleep at 4am and smile.
I remember the feeling of Connor and Colby fighting for space in my belly and all I feel is love.
I have two amazing, perfect, beautiful sons. They light up my life on a daily basis in every way possible.
I am so very lucky.
Friday, February 19
Today is exactly 7 months for the boys... so a few pictures are in order. :)
And a few comparisons...
A 3-6 month outfit next to a preemie outfit. He started wearing preemie clothes at about 1 month old and they were absolutely swimmmming on him. (He was 3lbs 3oz at 1 month and hit 5lbs at a little over 1.5 months.)
Wearing his glasses- he wore these under his CPAP hat to protect from the bili lights.
This was him at 4 days old with those glasses...
Next to his glasses and a smaller-than-preemie diaper.
Size 2 diaper next to his smaller-than-preemie diaper.
And him in the diaper at 3 days...
Thursday, February 18
Tomorrow marks 7 months for the little guys, so I feel like an update is in order. :)
Every night while rocking Colby to sleep I think of great update possibilities. I think of inspiring words about his growth and Connor and life. Or at least they seem inspired. But I promptly forget all that I was thinking as soon as I sit down after he is in bed for the night so instead I wander aimlessly reading other peoples thoughts.
So, you have been forewarned. This will not be inspired. :)
I was planning on talking about how wonderfully Colby sleeps. He goes down every night at 8:15pm (sometimes earlier) and sleeps through until 2am is and then again until 5 or 6amish. This is actually worse than it had been- he had a period where he was sleeping from 8pm to 4 or 5am, but we've regressed. I think it's purely because he's soaking his diapers and is a little sensitive about that sort of thing. (And I can't blame him.) He had a period where he was soaking through his pajamas resulting in late night changes, but he's switched to just waking more often for changes. Being all economical (ie cheap) I won't switch him to the next size up diaper until we use all the size 2's we have, so waking up is a sacrifice I am willing to make.
A few nights ago he started sleeping in his own crib. This has been hard for me! When he was in the pack n play next to the bed I would wake every hour or so just to check he was breathing. Even with him in the next room and with the monitor on I'm still waking just as often, only I have to go to the next room. Why is he in his own room then? I think he sleeps better. He's a bit of a light sleeper and just walking into the room makes him stir. He doesn't wake up, but instead thrashes around a bit. I felt bad disturbing him like that- every time I wake up to use the bathroom or Johnny snores he just would thrash and I figured he couldn't be sleeping well. Added to that is the fact that he's getting too long for the pack n play. He sleeps the short way because the long way isn't totally flat and he's touching both sides when he sleeps. So on to the crib! He's doing well with it. :)
Colby still loves to eat. Evidence? On Monday of last week he weighed in at 15lbs 1.5oz. Today- a week and a half later- he weighed in at 15lbs 13oz. HOLY COW. He's taking 5-6oz for his night time bottles and closer to 4oz every 3 or 4 hours during the day. We started solids- rice cereal- on Sunday of this week. He's doing great with it. The first few days were slow, but yesterday and today he took the entire serving perfectly. He's getting the handle of opening his mouth, keeping his tongue out of the way, and swallowing. It's awesome to see him doing so well. He's definitely enjoying it too. In the next day or so we'll try carrots or peas.
Colby's been rolling over front to back since mid-December. He still has a look of confusion when he gets to his back-- it's a "How did I get here??" look. He's so strong and alert and a total flirt. He laughs at his daddy and is SO smiley when daddy gets home. I have a harder time getting him to laugh, but I can get him to smile easily too. He's sitting pretty well. He can handle sitting by himself for a second or two before he slowly slides sideways. He loves his exersaucer and is getting the hang of bouncing around.
We're still waiting for some of the other milestones. He's not reaching for things yet. He'll grab anything that touches his hand or anything that he comes across as he swipes around, but he's not looking at things and grabbing with purpose. I think that as soon as he realizes that he can grab things that he wants there will be no stopping him. He just needs that motivation and then I have no doubt that he will be rolling back to front soon (he is definitely already strong enough) and I really think he'll be an early crawler. (Well, probably "typical" age, but adjusted it would be early!)
I'll be going back to work soon- just over a month. I've mentioned it before. I am SCARED to death about it. I think I'm feeling a little guilty about it too-- guilty that I have to go back, guilty that we didn't "plan" better. If given the choice I would definitely choose to stay home, but I don't have that choice. So I'm slowly becoming okay with going back. I talked to a friend the other day about it- she will have to go back once she has children as well. I also have a few good teacher friends at my school that have gone back after having their babes. I guess I'm just nervous about the balance. I've always been someone to put 110% into everything. How can I put 110% into everything though? Colby, Johnny, work, school? I'll have to find that balance where I can still be the mother I want to be (the best!) and the teacher my students deserve (the best!) and the best student I can be... you get the idea.
On another note, I'm almost looking forward to going back just because I like the idea of Colby knowing when he's growing up that Mommy works and is doing something that she loves. I remember being little and being proud that my mom worked. She and my dad worked hard so that my brothers and I could go on different vacations every year, so that we could have new clothes, so that we could do sports and take lessons, so that we could have birthday parties, so that we could take day trips to amusement parks, and on and on. Despite the fact that they both worked all day, I NEVER remember feeling like we were missing out on anything. They worked and they worked hard, but when they were home they were 100% there for us. So, while I would love to be home, I'm slowly becoming okay with the idea of being a super working mom. And really, what better job is there to have with kids than teacher? :)
Sunday, February 7
1 year ago...
Apparently I'm a sucker for milestones because every day seems to be another anniversary around here.
Today is the 1 year anniversary of the positive home test- that stuck. I didn't write about it until the next day because we wanted to tell a few people first, but it was February 7th in the evening that we found out. We had spent the day with my family celebrating my dad's birthday. We went to Olive Garden and then hung around. I was feeling crappy all day because I was on the verge of coming down with the flu, but we decided to take the test anyways. My blood test wasn't officially scheduled for Monday, February 9th, but I could never wait until the nurses to confirm the good or bad- I always wanted to know going into it.
Every time I took the home test before I would leave it in the bathroom for 3 minutes then we would both go look at it together. Every time it was a let down (save the positive in October, but that was a case of "Is there even a line or are we seeing things!?"). This time, with the IVF we felt like we had so much riding on it. I usually test 12dpo, but I was so nervous about it that I waited an extra 2 days and didn't test until 14dpo. I took the test then Johnny and I went into the living room- and after 3 minutes we looked together and saw those wonderful two lines. I can still remember the feeling of relief. It had worked and we were starting our family.
And 1 year later our world has changed an indescribable amount. We're grown and changed and taken on more than we thought we ever would have to. We're stronger people than we were 1 year ago, but I think I'm also more cautious and have a greater sense of how precious and precarious life really is. I have more of an understanding of the important things in life.
So, Colby and Connor, here is 1 year to knowing you.
From knowing of the two of you in theory to knowing the two of you in person. You have made me the person I want to be and I hope that I can continue to provide for you Colby like you deserve and I hope that I can continue to honor Connor's memory as he deserves.
I love you both.
Friday, February 5
Colby has been home with us for exactly three months!! The time has FLOWN.
We brought him home at 9lb 1oz babe on November 5th:
He's sleeping less during the day, rolling over to his back, allllmooost grabbing things, smiling, laughing, standing with help, babbling up a storm and just is uber cute.
I'm loving every minute.
There are some days I'm exhausted and can't stand the thought of cleaning another bottle, but then... well, he's there. I actually enjoy getting up at night with him. I know that of this is due to the fact that I never really experienced the "up-every-hour" thing in the early months and part of this is due to the fact that he is SO.GOOD. and immediately goes back to sleep after feeding. (Yes, I am fully aware that I have jinxed myself and I will be up the entire night tonight...)
Some mornings I will him to stay asleep for 10 more minutes (or at least to babble quietly to himself) and try to put off starting the day. But then I remind myself how much I want to be there for every minute. How much I want to see every smile, hear every laugh, and be the one to comfort every (rare) cry. He melts my heart. I confess he still sleeps in a Pack-N-Play next to our bed (when did everyone give up having their babes sleep in their room??), I still rock him to sleep after his night time feeds, and I often let him nap on me during the day rather than putting him down. I know this is making him dependent on these things... but how can I not? Like I said... he melts my heart.
In 2 months I'll be going back to work... I'm nervous to say the least. I'm a little excited to be going back to see my kiddies and it is a little easier knowing that I'll only work for 2 weeks, have a week off for April vacation, then only have 9 or so weeks left before the summer... with all the fun end of the year stuff.
But the idea of leaving him is torture. Pure torture. The idea that someone else will be giving him his bottles and cuddling him on the couch and rallying him on as he rolls over saddens me to no end. I love doing that stuff... it does get a little monotonous and sometimes I just want to sleep, but in the end I love every minute of it. Every single minute.
And I'm totally ready to be pregnant again. :)
Tuesday, February 2
I just talked to my aide at school. She told me that the little brother of a girl we had a few years ago was diagnosed with brain cancer. The little boy is 3 years old. Apparently the tumor that was found was so large that it started eating his skull. How does that happen? He's already had a major surgery to remove it and has undergone a few radiation treatments. But things aren't looking good for him.
I am just sick to my stomach even thinking about it. The family is amazing. They are some of the kindest, most generous, helpful people you will ever meet. Why do bad things happen so often to such good people?
I'm just crossing my fingers and praying for everything to turn out okay.