Friday, October 1

Seesaw

I keep fluctuating between extreme excitement that I could be pregnant in less than 1 month and absolute terror that I won't be.

The first IUI we did I was devastated when it failed. The only "issue" we having going against us is that I was diagnosed with PCOS and I don't ovulate on my own.. So, I figured that if they knew I had a measurable follicle, they knew that the sperm was looking good, and they placed one right next to the other, well, it had to work. The day I got the call saying that the first IUI didn't work I was in shock. I couldn't fathom how it didn't work. The subsequent IUI's, those I understood that they might not work.

Then we had the IUI to IVF and I knew that was going to work. Or at least, I couldn't understand how it wouldn't. And it did, so I didn't have to worry about that.

So now here we are 2 weeks or so away from the retrieval and transfer and I'm seesawing between absolute certainty and absolute fear. It has to work- it all seems so simple. Place fertilized egg in ready uterus. Wait 9 months. Voila- baby!

But then logic sets in and I know that it's not a guarantee. In fact, statistics tell me that it doesn't happen a lot of the time. And I really am not sure what I'll do if it doesn't. I'm not sure that with all the stress I'm under right now and all we have gone through in the past 1.5 years how I will handle it.

I know, I know... I should be focusing on the good. On the possibility of it working. On the happiness when it does work (because it will some day). But the fear is just waiting to come in and I'm having a hard time keeping it out...

5 comments:

Alyssa said...

My thoughts are with you! I am so excited for you!

Jodi said...

So glad that you commented on my blog. Your story is so similar to mine. I have PCOS, got pregnant on my 8th IUI/injectable cycle, gave birth to twins, lost my precious son and my daughter spent 105 days in the NICU. Praying for you as you try again. I'm not brave enough to go through it again. . or maybe it's just that I haven't found a doctor that I feel has a good enough plan. It's scary. Lots of love and prayers being sent your way!!

Jill said...

Your thoughts and feelings are so familiar to me. I have been there and can relate. I am wishing the best and my fingers are crossed!

Ashley said...

Thinking of you honey!! Praying that all goes well!! ((HUGS))

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

I totally understand, babe! We were both so fortunate for our first IVF cycles to work. Its hard to imagine it wouldnt work this time around. Keep your head up, I have a good feeling about this. ;)