Friday, December 17
So far, most days I am pretty confident that we will take home two healthy babies at the end of this pregnancy. On my best days, I see myself delivering via-VBAC at 37 weeks and taking the babies home a few days later. Other days, I see myself delivering early, spending some time in the NICU- but still coming home with two healthy babies at the end of it.
Then there are some days that I wonder how it's even possible to have two healthy babies.
It seems every day I hear of someone delivering extremely prematurely and losing their baby after a few short days of fighting. Or someone else loses a baby in the womb at 12 or 20 or 36 weeks. For no apparent reason. Or someone else loses a baby unexpectedly to SIDS at two months.
Those days, it seems like the odds are stacked against us and that something is going to go wrong. And it's so scary.
I remember talking to a friend back before we even were trying to get pregnant talking about how scary pregnancy is. At that point I wasn't even thinking of prematurity- just the chances of a baby developing some life threatening condition or SIDS or something else tragic.
I know it has to do more with the stories I read than what is actuality. I know that most babies are born when they're supposed to be and most babies live. But when you're surrounded by stories of unimaginable pain and heartbreak and loss, it's hard to keep perspective. It's hard to see the positives, the possibilities, when all you feel like you're seeing is horrible things happening to good people.
So, I guess I wouldn't say that I have been worrying about this lately. But it has been on my mind a lot and sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. For bleeding to start. For a doctor to look at the ultrasound screen and tell me there is no heartbeat. I don't think I'll believe that we'll fully get through this until we do. Until we get through the other side and see our three healthy kids running around causing trouble.
And that brings me to something else I've been thinking about a lot. Like I said, I usually think we will make it out with two healthy babies in the end (somehow). And I wonder what that will be like for Colby in a few years. When he's older and can understand that his twin is not here, but his younger twin siblings are. I'm worried for the questions- the anger- the hurt that might follow. It will be natural for him to wonder why they have each other, but Connor's not here. What went wrong? What was different? And what I'm dreading-- What did Mommy do wrong for us, but right for them? I'm so afraid that he'll be angry at me for not protecting him and Connor like I (hopefully) will his little siblings.
And I'll be wondering the same thing. And angry at myself for the same thing.