Friday, December 17


So far, most days I am pretty confident that we will take home two healthy babies at the end of this pregnancy. On my best days, I see myself delivering via-VBAC at 37 weeks and taking the babies home a few days later. Other days, I see myself delivering early, spending some time in the NICU- but still coming home with two healthy babies at the end of it.

Most days.

Then there are some days that I wonder how it's even possible to have two healthy babies.

It seems every day I hear of someone delivering extremely prematurely and losing their baby after a few short days of fighting. Or someone else loses a baby in the womb at 12 or 20 or 36 weeks. For no apparent reason. Or someone else loses a baby unexpectedly to SIDS at two months.

Those days, it seems like the odds are stacked against us and that something is going to go wrong. And it's so scary.

I remember talking to a friend back before we even were trying to get pregnant talking about how scary pregnancy is. At that point I wasn't even thinking of prematurity- just the chances of a baby developing some life threatening condition or SIDS or something else tragic.

I know it has to do more with the stories I read than what is actuality. I know that most babies are born when they're supposed to be and most babies live. But when you're surrounded by stories of unimaginable pain and heartbreak and loss, it's hard to keep perspective. It's hard to see the positives, the possibilities, when all you feel like you're seeing is horrible things happening to good people.

So, I guess I wouldn't say that I have been worrying about this lately. But it has been on my mind a lot and sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. For bleeding to start. For a doctor to look at the ultrasound screen and tell me there is no heartbeat. I don't think I'll believe that we'll fully get through this until we do. Until we get through the other side and see our three healthy kids running around causing trouble.

And that brings me to something else I've been thinking about a lot. Like I said, I usually think we will make it out with two healthy babies in the end (somehow). And I wonder what that will be like for Colby in a few years. When he's older and can understand that his twin is not here, but his younger twin siblings are. I'm worried for the questions- the anger- the hurt that might follow. It will be natural for him to wonder why they have each other, but Connor's not here. What went wrong? What was different? And what I'm dreading-- What did Mommy do wrong for us, but right for them? I'm so afraid that he'll be angry at me for not protecting him and Connor like I (hopefully) will his little siblings.

And I'll be wondering the same thing. And angry at myself for the same thing.


Michele said...

Those questions... I'm haunted by a few that are different yet similar. I think that we moms always hit ourselves the hardest with what we could have done/did do/didnt do, etc.

Hoping for that 37w VBAC. :)

Catherine W said...

Although I will probably not have twins again, I do have a twin niece and nephew. My SIL has said something along the lines of, 'why did I manage it and you didn't?' to me before. Not in a cruel way but a 'wondering out loud' kind of way. And I wonder too. I wonder what I did wrong. If my current pregnancy works out just fine, it will make me wonder even more.

iamstacey said...

These fears haunt me, too. I follow the statistics every week - this week, at week 27, the baby has an 85% survival rate with medical intervention. Each week the rate goes up a little bit. I can't imagine how much scarier it is with twins.

Thinking of you!

Keri said...

I've been reading your blog for a few months now and I thoroughly enjoy it. I'm a NICU nurse but I'm also a woman who strongly believes in our body's ability to handle what sometimes seems to be against the odds. I believe you can carry these babies to 37 weeks and I also believe that you can have a successful VBAC. It's way easier said than done of course but just keep telling your body what you think it can do and what you want it to do. The body is an amazing thing but so is the mind. Keep strong and I can't wait to see those babies come out healthy and strong and NOT in the NICU! :)