Tuesday, September 14
IVF and Work
I am beyond exhausted lately. I think I might have finally taken on too much. Maybe?
I've always been the type to do a lot and have a lot on my plate. I usually get stressed when the perfect storm of everything-needing-to-be-done-at-once occurs, but it passes and then I move on and life is good.
BUT HOLY COW. That perfect storm? THE WHOLE ENTIRE SEMESTER. Every day I have something due. A paper or a discussion or a project or something. Add on the fact that the beginning of the school year ALWAYS requires a ridiculous amount of work (and lots of late days for meetings and Back to School Night and such). Oh and for some genius reason I decided to start a whole new literacy-plan concept that I read about this summer and have never done before. And the fact that Colby still wakes up about 4 times a night. AND the IVF because, kill me now, this birth control is royally messing with me. And enter pure, total exhaustion. Bed at 12, up at 5. Up usually 2 or 3 times in the middle there. Maybe 3 hours of sleep? When I'm lucky.
This week I've had a thought that I have never had before. Maybe I really have taken on too much. Maybe I really have reached my limit and then pushed it? For a brief moment I contemplated dropping a class. But I pushed through. 2 weeks down, 12 more to go... I can do it, right? Maybe.
Sooo IVF. This birth control SUCKS. Horribly. I've been nauseous and exhausted and I hate it. But I'm a week in and the end is in sight. I start Lupron the 20th. If I get the prescription because... to add to the stress, my RE whom I LOVE decided to quit. Flat out quit and not tell me. Seriously. I called my RE's nursing line about 3 weeks ago to get my blood work done so that I could start the provera and everything was fine. 2 weeks later I call the same line with Day 1 and I'm greeted with a lovely nurse who puts everything together. Then at the end she sweetly asks "You know that Dr. A. left the practice, right?" Ummm NO. The nurse goes on to tell me that my RE and ALL THE FEMALE DOCTORS IN THE PRACTICE decided to start their own practice.
So... either I can follow her and call this cycle a waste, OR I can continue with a new doctor in the same practice. So of course I decide to continue because I don't care if I'm cycling with a woman, a man, or a toad, I'm doing this IVF. (Because really, I started this process in May... though we have technically been trying since Colby at 6 weeks old.)
That's where we stand. I'm so ready to start injecting myself with hormones. :)
But being back at school- so much worse this year. It's just been a series of small little issues that are overwhelming me in a way I know they shouldn't. (A product of the exhaustion and stress, I'm sure.)
The first day of school there was comments in the teachers room about twins because a teacher's niece just announced she was expecting twins. And "Oh my God. Could you even imagine twins? How crazy would that be?!!"
Yes, it would be crazy. It would be even crazier if both my boys were alive.
Or the fact that the day care person keeps talking about this little boy who used to go to day care there. His name? Connor J. of course. I don't know what the J stands for. But "I can't believe it! Colby looks just like Connor J. when he was little!" Even a 3 year old told me that Colby looks like Connor J.
The day care person has mentioned it every day. So finally today I just told her that it creeps me out because well, we had Connor J. And then I get "Oh wow. That's so strange! Can you believe it?"
No I can't, but just stop talking about it. PLEASE? It's already bad enough that I have to leave my baby ALL DAY. Don't make it worse.
And some how there are 4 teachers with twins at the school. And it's so stressful to have twins. Keep them in the same class or different? The fights between each other. And on and on and on. AND SIGH.
And how I wish I had those issues.
And I have a boy in my class: Connor John. (Connor's name and Colby's middle name... apparently we had good taste?) He is best friends with a little boy named Brett. I have to talk to the two of them a lot because they talk and talk and talk. But I have to catch myself. If I start with Brett's name I can say "Brett & Connor" no prob. But when I start with Connor? I have slipped and said "Connor & Colby!" about 5 times in 4 days.
And I wish I could actually be saying it to my Connor and Colby.
And Colby cried for the first time when I dropped him off at Day Care today. I left my baby in a puddle of tears.
The worst EVER. But the smiles at the end? Great.
So, you see? Stupid little things, but in my state... it's just a lot. I thought starting over in a new place would be good, but it's sadder. No, I'm not "the one who lost a baby" to them, but I'm also not "Connor & Colby's mom" to them. And I think that's worse.
It's been hard... I didn't expect it to be harder this time around. Being back at work for the 2nd (3rd really) time. But it's so much harder. I miss Connor so much more. Being in a new place, starting a new routine... just another step away from July 2009. It's so, so very hard. And really, the exhaustion just puts everything so much closer to the surface. So the acceptance I had gained. The perspective I had... it's not enough to make it okay any more. Or to make it even seem a little okay.
So, one step forward... a whole year back?