Friday, November 12
So, I just googled the most times that someone has ever been struck by lightning.
In 35 years Roy Sullivan was struck by lightning 7 times.
That doesn't make me feel better.
See, as I get further into this pregnancy (though I'm only 6w4d if my calculations are correct) and the nerves and fears slowly creep in, so do the questions. Those stupid What Ifs I have been battling for long before I even got pregnant with the twins... though they have changed shape over the years...
What was I thinking putting two back? What if the same thing happens this time? What if I lose a baby again? What if I go in on Monday and there is no baby? What if there is no heartbeat? What if I'm forced on bedrest away from Colby? What if I endangered a baby because I put two back? What if... what if... what if???
So then I try to convince myself that none of that will happen. This will go perfectly because lightning doesn't strike twice. Bad things can't always happen, right? We've been through enough, it's time for a break.
But then Roy Sullivan was struck by lightning 7 times. Those are pretty small odds.
And we've been through a lot too... against the odds. The odds of us battling infertility at 22 and 23 respectively? The odds of having twins? The odds of such early bed rest? The odds of such early labor and delivery? The odds of losing a 27w1d old 2lb9oz baby?
All against the odds.
So why couldn't it all happen again? Why couldn't things go terribly wrong?
It's not like everyone has a limit of bad things in their lives ... that once you hit the max (oh, like losing a baby...) your bad meter is turned off and life is sunshine and rainbows forever after.
So I'm sitting in a precarious place. A place where I am so incredibly thrilled and in AWE that I'm pregnant again. Colby will be a big brother. We will be building our family just like we want. But it's also a terrifying place where I feel like it's just a matter of time before the other shoe drops and all hell breaks loose.
Because that's what happens, right?
So I'll stay inside to avoid the lightning.