School

Words cannot express just how much I am looking forward to school starting. I've thought about it and planned and thought some more. I'm just ready to get through the first few days. The first 2 days are always just a pain. There's no way around it. Kindergartners cry, their parents cry, they decide they don't like their snack, they lose their lunch money, they cry some more... I keep saying that I cannot wait until the whole first month is over. I want all the kids to know all of the routines. I want us to have our schedule. I want to have fun. :)

So I find myself anxiously awaiting the first few days. I want all of the first-day mystery to be gone. :)

That being said, I know I've been spoiled this summer. I just spent the last 2.5 months doing nothing productive. I babysat and tutored a handful of times, but not really enough to constitute saying I was busy this summer. It was a very nice luxury. One I know won't continue next summer (well, unless we miraculously get pregnant this round and then I'll spend the summer with baby. :) I didn't have to wake up, I didn't have to go to bed... i didn't have to do anything. But I'm ready for the real-world again. Living the carefree life was fun while it lasted!

Weird Dreams

So, last night I had two baby-related dreams. One was happy and the other... just weird.

First, I had a short little dream that I had received an email from my cousin who is TTC as well. The email contained a picture of a positive HPT. :) Woohoo! I only hope my dream is right about this one! :)

The second... we have some fantabulous friends who live in Hawaii who have the cutest baby who will be one in Sept. (I try not to think about it, but it's a little bit of a reminder of what we could have had things worked out like we wanted.) Needless to say, they have the cutest baby in the world. And our friends are really just too far away.

Anyways, back to the dream. I had gone to Hawaii alone to visit the mom and the baby. I got there and there was no one there so I kind of just investigated. Then the mom and the baby came back home and I was telling them how much I loved the house, etc. etc. I can't entirely remember how everything unfolded, but to make a long story short, the mom started telling me that I wouldn't make a good mother and that I shouldn't be wasting my life and time on fertility treatments when it's not supposed to even happen. She ended up kicking me out or something, too. Strange.

So, I do know it was a dream. And I do know that these particular friends would NOT react this way should we tell them,but it was still a very weird dream... So, that's the weirdness that is my life!

Just waiting!

Waiting is the name of the game. You wait for Day 1. You wait to see the affects of the drugs. You wait for the next procedure. You wait for the big test. Then, inevitably, you find yourself waiting for Day 1 again. (Well, until that day that the big test day is a happy one...)

As always the waiting drags on. Waiting is always slow, but I've come to enjoy it. Kind of. I enjoy the non-stress associated with the waiting for monitoring to begin. I enjoy the relatively-calm state of my hormones (this one is debatable... but it has been over 36 hours since I broke down last, so I'm thinking we can classify this as calm). I enjoy not having to be poked and prodded by countless people.

But I do eagerly anticipate the next step coming.

So now I am eagerly-patiently waiting for Sept. 3 to come along. I can't wait to see if these little follies have taken to growing this time. Hopefully more than 1 decided it liked this round of clomid. Hopefully, hopefully... waiting. :)

A good distraction is coming up, though. Tuesday I'm back at work and Thursday the new K students are finally here! That will keep me busy I have no doubt. And it's a lot harder to be preoccupied with waiting and testing and such when you have 15 5 year-olds to teach. :) So here's for making it the next few days until the next great distraction sets in. :)

Enter...

Psychotic Stacey.

I'm so over clomid that it's not even funny.

3 years!

I forgot to mention... today marks a very important milestone in my life.

Exactly 3 years ago today I landed in Sydney, Australia for the most fabulous semester of my life! :) I still miss my Year 1 kids, the friends I made, the adventures I went on... and everything about it. Can't wait to go back again!!!

My room!!

I had mentioned awhile ago putting up pictures from my room, so here we are... :)

Here's the bookshelf side of the thing my dad made for me to store all my teacher-y books.


Here's the front view of the magnetic side for lunch choices.


House area.


Pocket chart literacy center. And the sand table... I hardly ever open. :)


Meeting area and Star of the Week board.


Calendar Wall


Writing and Names/Words Centers. You can see the handy-dandy, nifty cubby thing my dad made me last year.


Reading area view 1.


View 2.


And the Star Birthday board I am so proud of. I didn't have a bulletin board, so I invented one. :)


There's a lot more and more centers, but I'm done putting up pictures! I guess I can see why I don't do it. It's kind of a pain. :)

Warning

Never try taking more than one pill of clomid at a time. I stacked them and put them in my mouth today before taking a drink. One went down just fine. The other two stuck to the roof of my mouth and started melting. I still have the bitter taste in my mouth.

I can still do math!

I was right... my monitoring day will be Sept. 3rd. I got the 6:30am appt for blood and u/s. Go me. :) Today's u/s was uneventful-- it was the u/s tech I don't like so much, but that's okay. Nothing interesting to report... I have follicles, enough of them, and no cysts. So, clomid tonight!

Unless

Back from a weekend away. I got stuff for school, had fun with the family, celebrated my grandfather's birthday, but I'm glad to be back. I always forget how much I miss Johnny when I'm not with him. It's times like those that I can't believe or understand how I get so annoyed with him so much. :) I'll blame it on the hormones... yeah, that always works. He doesn't always buy it though.

So, yeah, that's all. Ultrasound in the am to check for cysts and follicles. Then we're starting our *hopefully* last round of clomid. I can't even stress how much I want this to work.

Next month marks one year of working with RSC. I know that, in the grand scheme of things that that isn't a big deal, but it is to me. I know some people take so much longer, but I didn't think I would. So, one year in and what do we have to show for it? An impressive list of blood draws and ultrasounds, quite a few bills, more medication than I've had in my entire life, and four failures. I'm not sure what boggles my mind more... the fact that we've had 4 failures, or the fact that, in 12 months we could only carry out FOUR cycles. First there was the 2 months of testing, then a month off because they decided to test for cystic fibrosis, then the cycle that took 2 full months, the 1.5 months off due to the chemical pregnancy, then 2 more cycles, then another month off because of the insurance change, then the last cycle. But looking back, I am amazed at how fast everything has gone. I just wish we had more to show for it.

Every conversation we have has the "unless we get pregnant" clause in it. Next summer I'll have a real job, unless we get pregnant. Next summer we're going to Aussie, unless we get pregnant. Next cycle we'll use injectables, unless we get pregnant. I spend my days playing the unless game.

So, this is where I'll be next month, unless we get pregnant...

Just an update

Just a quick update to say that I'll be going in for my u/s on Monday am just to check for cysts. No blood this time... which is a fantastic surprise for once. :) I guess I made up for in on Friday- I had my drs appt and I had to get a tetnus shot for school and they also drew 5 vials of blood for me. And unlike at RSC, they were 5 FULL vials, not just enough to cover the bottom.

By my calculations this means that the first day of monitoring will be on Sept. 3... and I'm just hoping I'm not surprsingly ready on the first day of monitoring for once because that would mean the IUI would be scheduled for the 5th-- the second day of school. Ideally it would be the 6th or 7th. I'm crossing my fingers because I have been VERY lucky with scheduling all around. :)

Oh and we will be doing another round of clomid. When I talk to them next I'm going to schedule an appt. with the RE to talk about moving to injectables for the next cycle. I really haven't responded too well to the clomid... just 1 slow growing follicle each time. I know I'm lucky to have gotten that, but initially I was led to believe that I'd get more than one. So... I just want to move along. I was all for playing it cautious and slow back when we met with Anania, but now I'm getting impatient. :)

Good all around

So, today I'm doing good. :) I made a conscious resolution to be nicer and not so easy to set off and I'm doing well. It might also be that I don't currently have foreign hormones traveling through my body. So I guess the real test will come in a few weeks.

Went to school today to get some more stuff done. My class is looking good. :) Darcy- my aide- came in today and it was great to see her. Tomorrow the other K teacher will be in too. I made an executive decision about my curriculum, sooo we shall see how she takes that-- all last year I let her call the shots because I was new.

Hmm, what else? Still (im)patiently waiting for Day 1 and some progress. Tomorrow I have a regular doctors appointment so I can get paper work filled out for grad school. Usually I'd be nervous because I used to be a wimp with needles, but I think I'm over that fear now. :)

So that's all. After the drs I'm going to school and then I'm heading home for the weekend- or at least part of it- to go shopping with my mom again. This time she's buying me clothes for work. :) I love it.

Have a fantastic weekend everyone!

Sanity regained

So I'm a lot more sane right now. I made a promise to myself not to fly off the handle when I logically know I shouldn't. Unfortunately that might be easier said than done. But I'm trying. :) (I guess it doesn't hurt that Johnny is at his parents right now doing laundry and I stayed back to get some school stuff done...)

I'm just sitting here patiently waiting for Day 1. Usually before the beta... like 4 days before, I would have cramps and feel, as I described it, "weird". This time, nothing before. And still NOTHING after. I've already established that I'm impatient, so I can't wait much longer without feeling like something is happening. Or else I might go crazy. And we really don't need that right now.

I'm so ready to start cycle 5. When I talked to the nurse coordinator yesterday she said that she had new instructions for me. I was a little too upset to ask what that meant... if it means a new set of the same old instructions (clomid) or if means that I'm being moved on to the next step. I can't for the life of me remember how she would phrase it every other time. I'm hoping it's the latter, but logically I know it's probably just another round of clomid. This is going to be my last clomid round I have decided. Mid-cycle I'm scheduling an appointment to talk to my RE about moving on (unless they have already decided which, as I mentioned, would be fabulous).

Bleh bleh bleh.

Not all together

When I wrote earlier I almost wrote "I'm not too upset. I think I've developed a zen about this whole thing." But I decided not to because I thought it sounded too corny. But it's good I didn't write it because that whole theory was completely proven wrong when I broke down a little while ago.

All I can say is, this SUCKS. I'm constantly on edge. I feel like I'm always ready to cry about something. And the worst part is that I take everything out on Johnny. I get snippy about everything and start the STUPIDEST arguments. And I fight them with a passion for about 5 minutes. Then it occurs to me that I'm a complete basket case and I calm down and feel stupid about whatever we are arguing about. This totally is NOT me... Bleh again.

No matter how I'm feeling, though, there is always next month. :)

Maybe...

... Next Month ...

You get the idea.

:)

Waiting for tomorrow's official results

Despite yesterdays missing line, I'm still optimistic about tomorrow.

And no matter what happens tomorrow, I can't be let down, right?

With that said, I feel different from the other cycles. I don't want to admit it because I don't want to get my hopes up only to be let down, but it's true. But I'm tired of looking for signs because I've done that every cycle...

You'll all be updated tomorrow afternoon!

I'm impatient.

HPT = One Line

Bummer.

I'll know the official results in 2 days. I'm just too impatient.

Life goes on.

P.S. I love my hubby even though he annoys me to no end. :)

I'm Back!!

I'm back from vacation- though we had a great time, I'm exhausted. We spent a few nights in Fredericksburg VA for my cousin's wedding (which was really nice), a night in Richmond with my other cousin and his wife, a bunch of nights with the hubsters cousins in Falls Church, and then a few nights at a realllly nice hotel in Alexandria. And, though I'm usually a photo-aholic, I actually didn't take a single picture! We went all over, too. I guess the memories will stay in my head!

It was kind of interesting as far as baby stuff goes. Obviously we're in the middle of the 2ww, so there was no drinking at all on my part. It was an open bar at the wedding so everyone else was enjoying that, but I stuck to virgin shirley temples and water. Even though my parents know exactly what's going on, they kept asking if I was going to drink. Um... no.

Then Sunday night we were hanging out with my cousin and his wife (my cousin-in-law?) and my cousin's wife asked the dreaded "Are you thinking about having kids?" question. Honestly, after laying it all on the line with our parents, I wasn't ready to get into it again. But I didn't have a good reaction at all. I just kind of stared off and let the hubby handle it. (Not now... or something like that.) Then the hubby fired back, "How about you guys?" I felt bad that he asked because, well, we HATE that question, but they asked, so I guess he felt entitled. :) But their answer was, "We've been trying, but not doing so good on that one." I was floored! After looking at the hubby I responded, "Yeah, we're actually going through the exact same thing." So it was really nice to have someone to talk to. Someone who understands. Someone I know. Someone who didn't go through it 20 years ago. Ahhh it felt good. :) And my cousin put it well, once you mention what you're going through to people, it's like you get this secret handshake from people. No one (or at least not many people) really comes out and is free with discussing their "issues".

Then... one night, I can't remember which one. I think it was on Tuesday (our anniversary) we were sitting at my hubster's cousin's house and they got a call from his other cousin (the brother of the cousin we were staying with) who lives in NH. He was letting them (his sister and parents-- my husband's aunt and uncle-- who were at the house with us too) that his wife had just miscarried at 10 weeks. Johnny and I didn't know that she was pregnant, but apparently she had told everyone else back on the 4th of July. This is their 3rd 10 week miscarriage-- which we didn't know about either. I can't even imagine. They said that they're going to do some genetic testing, but if it's not meant to be, then they'll just concentrate on being an amazing aunt and uncle to their nieces and nephews.

So, it was just very strange that these things hit so close to home.

The evening that we found out about the miscarriage, we went out with the cousin we were staying with and her husband. Johnny wanted to tell them what we were going through so that he could have their opinion if the other cousin's would be comfortable talking to us because of what was going on. It was seriously the most uncomfortable conversation EVER. I didn't participate in it at all. And the husband of the cousin (I wish there was an easier way to designate everyone) kept saying "Put on some classical music and get a good bottle of wine." and "It's just a fact, some people aren't meant to be parents. There's nothing wrong with it." I wanted to SCREAM. (Side note: He has two of the cutest, sweetest daughters in the world. But he's never around because he's a lawyer and works 100+ hours every week). So, needless to say, that conversation was not helpful at all and just made me extremely mad... and unwilling to open up to anyone else.

Vacation Prep

I started typing a big long entry last night at 2am as we were packing for our trip. Apparently I was so tired that I forgot to press publish because I just came on to look for it and instead I had the window already open...

We finally got to bed last night at 3am. We didn't get home until nearly midnight and the hubster hadn't done any of his packing. We needed it all down because we went down early this morn (up at 5am... there at 6:30am) to go drop our luggage off at my parents house so that we don't have to pay the checked baggage fee at the airport. So we drove an hour and a half there, stayed for about a half hour, and then just drove the hour and a half back. Shoot me. Please?

Last night we had dinner/did laundry at my in-laws house. The hubster chose to tell his parents what is going on. It got a good response. At first his mom was a little disbelieving. I guess we've put up a good front about waiting until I'm done with grad school, etc. etc. Good actors apparently. As she put it, she was floored. But then she asked a million questions.

Although we weren't sure, I had suspected that she had gone through fertility treatments herself way back when she was trying to get pregnant with Danny (my brother in law) and I was right. So it was kind of nice to have someone who had been there (although 21 years ago...) to ask questions. (Apparently back in the day they were told to drink cough syrup prior to sex the help with acidity or something... I have no plans to follow that particular suggestion.)

She was genuinely interested/caring/wanted to be helpful. At one point I was talking about the HSG and how painful it had been and how I had gotten sick and her immediate reaction was "I wish I had known so that I could have helped you or at least let you know what to expect." Then after a minute she said, "Well, I probably wouldn't have told you how bad it would be-- I would have told Johnny though so he would have known what to expect." :)

So overall we've made a lot of progress. :) I'm feeling good with our decisions. And I am anxiously awaiting the beta on the 19th.

And now I'm off. :)

The Anniversary Fairy Came

Last night was a little rough. I was on edge... from the IUI and from just being an emotional basket case, so I snapped at the hubster quite a few times. He's like a little kid sometimes and he knows JUST how to get under my skin. And usually I can take it and I think it's funny, but sometimes it drives me crazy. And he knows it. So he was doing that all afternoon and I was going crazy. I wasn't really mad... just crazy I guess.

So he went out to run a few errands for our upcoming trip and when he came back to make me feel better he said "The anniversary fairy was here!". I opened the door and sitting right outside of it was a cute little anniversary gift from the hubby. The card was ABSOLUTELY perfect. Reading it, it was really like it was written by him. There were lines about doing things to tease me and drive me crazy and telling gross jokes and being lazy. It was about him to a T. He also gave me a picture frame that said "Meant to be" with a picture of us on the beach when we were in Hawaii and a cute little coffee-table book about love with goofy animal pictures. :)

So he successfully got back on my good side. :)

It's a Love/Hate Thing... (and 101 posts) (and this makes 3 for today)

When I left the IUI today I got a sheet with instructions for the next few weeks. Really, the only instruction was to come back on 8/18 for the beta. Sooo I realized that they didn't mention progesterone support and when I filled my prescription I was given progesterone suppositories. So I called my nurse coordinator to ask about them and whether or not I should take them. This is where the hate part of the love/hate thing comes in.

The nurse coordinator called me back and said that with IUI's they don't prescribe progesterone supports unless there is special circumstances. So she said that I should just hold on to them incase they tell me to take them should (fingers crossed) this cycle work and my progesterone levels come back low. And I was ready to take that answer, but first asked, "So, although I've used the support every other cycle, I shouldn't use them this time?" She then seemed surprised about that. So it was then that she finally decided to check my file. And sure enough, in plain English Anania (my RE) had said that I should be using the support starting with the day after the IUI. So I'm a little annoyed that she was going to give me an answer without even looking carefully at my file. Who knows what it will do- if anything- but I would have been annoyed if I didn't do everything I could/should have because the nurse coordinator didn't take the time to carefully look at my file to answer my question.

Then, somehow the date of my beta came up. She asked what day it was and I said it was Aug 18th. She then asked if I was sure because it should be Aug. 19th. It very, very clearly says on my instruction sheet that I should come in the 18th for the beta. But the nurse coordinator decided to overrule the instructions of the nurse who did my IUI. So I'm going in on Aug. 19th. I know it's only a day, but I'm a little bummed about it. I'll probably still take a HPT on Aug. 18th. :)

So, although I love the nurses, my RE, and the clinic in general, it does things that make me want to scream. But I also know that I build them up as huge problems when they're really no big deal. I've just been an emotional wreck today. My poor hub-ster.

Totally Random

I've been meaning to ask this for awhile. Does it bother anyone else when people bring their kids (babies, toddlers, you name it) to the clinic? Don't get me wrong, I love children. I'm a teacher and I'm going through all of this for a reason, but really...

There is nothing I hate more than sleepily wandering into the blood and u/s waiting room at 6:15 in the freakin' morning and seeing someone rocking a six month old. I understand that many people go through fertility help multiple times to have more than one kid. (I hope to be one of those who goes on to have more than one kid) But, c'mon, you know the heartbreak and hurt associated with going to the clinic, so why bring your kid in??? Even though it's probably not intentional, it feels like you're essentially rubbing it in everyone's faces...

Does anyone else agree, or am I being totally witchy here?

IUI #1 Completed!

Woohoo. So we did the IUI this AM at 9:30am. Johnny went in at 8:30 and I hung around until 9:30am. He came in the room with me (does anyone else's hubby's always go in the room for blood, u/s, etc.?).

The nurse we got was super-duper excited/talkative/happy. She was great. She explained everything and went over all of the numbers. (The sperm numbers were all really good. She said overall they look for 10million and the sample had something like 92million.) Things looked good. Nothing of concern, so we're hoping things will work. :) We just need one!! :)

As for the IUI itself, it went fine. I'm pretty crampy right now. Not quite as bad as I was for the HSG, but still pretty uncomfortable. It was pretty effortless. She had to bend the catheter a bit, but nothing major. Then I got to hang out for 15 minutes with my butt in the air. While I was hanging out Johnny went through every single drawer and cabinet in that place. He offered to take a syringe for my scrapbook. :) I declined.

So that's that. The pregnancy test is August 18th. Woohoo. I calculated the date wrong when I was calculating it... I forgot to calculate, not from today but from the HCG day. So, less than 2 weeks and we will know. :) Finger crossed.

Oh and I was told not to begin any high-impact exercise over the next few weeks. As I was told, no slam dancing or cage fighting. Good to know. But what am I going to do with all the extra time now? :)

Tomorrow's the day

I feel like I might be making a bigger deal out of this IUI than I should, but I am very anxious for it! Not for the actual procedure. I've spread-eagled for too many people in the past year to be nervous about the procedure. I'm just anxious for the results... I know they're a long way away, but I am just so freakin' hopeful about this cycle. Cautiously hopeful, but hopeful just the same. I've learned that it really won't be the end of the world if it doesn't work out. I've learned that I still have the best hubby in the world no matter what. I've learned that I have lots of people that really care about me. And I've learned that I have a lot going for me. But...

And we all know where I'd be going with that but, so I'm going to leave it at that. Crossing my fingers and diving in.

If this cycle works out, fantastic. Exactly what I wanted and I'll be thrilled. But if it doesn't... hey, I get to miss some work come September, right? :)

Tuesday is the day

So, as usually happens, things have a way of working out. I spent forever worrying about my weekend appointment because of camping, but it all went okay and we made it on time. I have one 18mm follicle on my left. (YES! MY LEFT!!!) I also have 2 smaller follicles... one of the left and one on the right. They're triggering me tonight (or, well, the hubby is technically) and the IUI is scheduled for 9:30am on Tuesday morning. Sooo, although I've been worrying for MONTHS about the possible problems with timing of this cycle, it's all working out. The best part? The IUI is the 5th, so then the 2ww will go until at least the 19th. I don't get back from Virginia until the 16th. I'll be too busy with vacation to worry about the results. Or at least I hope so. :)

Soooo Tuesday then waiting. :) I'm excited and nervous at the same time. As usual...

4 more days til Virginia!

Camping really wasn't too bad! We had fun... it was really hot Friday night until Saturday afternoon. Then it rained and cooled down a bit for Saturday night. The hubby went fishing on Saturday morning with my brother. He caught a fish. :) Then put it back because I don't like fish and I felt bad for the poor thing.

We told my parents last night because we had to tell them that we had to leave in the early AM. My parents are so worried about offending people and prying and asking inappropriate questions that they didn't ask anything really. They were supportive. And I think they felt a little bad thinking that we were worried to tell them. And you could tell they had a million questions in their heads, but they didn't really ask anything. So, while it felt good, it's a little nerve racking too because I know they have a million questions and they are probably a little worried about us/feel bad that there isn't more they can do. So I'll probably go down and see them early this week to let them know they can ask questions and they don't need to worry about bothering us. I'd rather they ask questions. I have to drop off our dress clothes for the wedding too, so I have an excuse (they're driving to my cousin's wedding and we're flying).

My brother let me know that a friend's sister is pregnant. (My brother is close to my friend's brother and my whole family is very close to their whole family-- every one of them was at my wedding) It hit me hard. The hardest that any pregnancy news has hit me. (And really, around school there has been a lot... we had 3 teachers leave this year to have babies and another one is due in October).

This is the friend who was my Maid of Honor... who I would have called my best friend up until semi-recently. A few months back I had written her an email and called her... both messages said the same thing. I was going through something and needed to talk. No such luck. She never got back to me. Then another good friend (also in my wedding party) and a good friend of my "best friend" just had her birthday. I sent her a message and a card to say Happy Birthday. (Though neither friend had even acknowledged my birthday a few weeks prior.) Then I find pictures on Facebook (don't we love Facebook) of these two friends, plus 2 other mutual-friends, out celebrating Friend #2's birthday. And I wasn't even invited.

So, although I feel a little high-schoolish saying it, I feel left out, forgotten, etc. Sooo, when I heard the pregnancy news about Friend #1's sister, I was hurt that (1) she was pregnant and (2) Friend #1 didn't tell me. So, blah.

Away

I'm off to go camping for the weekend. I am NOT looking forward to it at all. Not in the slightest. I made the hubby promise that, even if we can't come up with a gift for next Christmas/birthday/Father's Day, we won't plan a weekend away. We've done this two times already (NH once, NY once, and now this) and I just do not have the desire to do it again.

It's been a tiring week, so I just want some good ole QT with the hubby. :(