Finally!

Okay, so I was wrong! Luckily I didn't bet any money on having already ovulated. Today I went in for blood (surprise, surprise) and my LH had surged to 50.something. Yay! So tonight is the trigger and then we shall see... June 16th is the next BIG day. I'm excited and the 16th is a good day because it's the Pond Walk at school. I will be too busy to be waiting by the phone and checking it every minute. :) So yay.

Unrelated to pregnancy...
We went to the zoo today with the kidlets. They were really good for the most part... had a little bit of a hard time staying with the group, but it was good. My "challenging" child (which is a MASSIVE understatement) was HORRIBLE though. Absolutely AWFUL. In the course of the day she managed to run off, throw dirt, push over several small children, throw her sandwich at a chaperone, shove a small child off of a slide... etc. etc. It was a rough day. And she said NO to me! I know it sounds like a minor thing, but my students NEVER say no. They know it's not okay, unacceptable, etc. etc. She is missing recess on Monday... and perhaps for several days after. Haha... take that! :) And that's my zoo story!

Fourth time is the charm...?

I sure hope so!

On Tuesday when my follicle was at 18mm I was sure they would trigger me. But they didn't because of my lining. So Wednesday, with my lining at almost 8mm, I was sure they would trigger me. But they didn't because my hormone levels weren't right. So, today (Thursday) I was sure I'd get a call to trigger me. But NO. I got a call saying I could either do a Ovulation Predictor Kit or go in Friday for blood work. Apparently my LH is only at 11.something. Not good enough. However, I feel very strongly that I already ovulated and that they missed it. And I told them that when I called them back. So instead of the predictor kit, I'm going in tomorrow AM for the 4th day in a row.

Waiting.... I'm so good at it :)

This AM I had my appt at 6:30 for u/s and blood. I got my fave u/s tech so that was good. She entertains me... which I know sounds weird, but it's true. My right follicle was at 22mm. Woohoo. My lining was at 7.8mm, so just shy of 8, but good enough.

Blood was okay... 2 pokes today. Oh well. I'm getting used to it I s'pose.

I have to go back tomorrow AM for just blood. Guess my levels aren't up to par. Estradiol was 480ish and my LH was 8.something. I think. I can't remember! What are the levels supposed to be at? I sure as heck don't know!

On another note, I taught a lesson today about writing poetry in Writer's Workshop. My kids were AMAZING!! I was so excited. Some of them had a little more difficulty than others, but I got a good poem out of each one of them! And they were so creative! YAY!

Friday we're going to the zoo on a field trip and Wednesday we are going to Boston to walk the path of the Ducklings in Make Way for Ducklings. I'm very excited! :) Only 16 days left of school. Time flies!

That's all for now... stay tuned!

So Hard

Late last week I came across an IF blog that mentioned the song "So Hard" by the Dixie Chicks.  I really wish I could remember whose blog it was to give credit, but I spend so many hours jumping from one blog to the next that it's impossible to remember.  Anyways, I finally downloaded the song and fell in love with it.  :)

Here are the lyrics-- I'm not talented enough to actually add music to this thing!

"So Hard"

Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us
Now we've got something
I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy

It's so hard

Just keep swimming

I'm doing well today.  :)    Much more positive and happy than yesterday.  Yay!

I had blood and u/s at 6:30 this AM.  Blood was a one-pricker.  Woohoo those are always the best.  The u/s was fine.  On my left I had one at 10mm and on my right I had one at 18mm.  Woohoo, right?  Why doesn't my left side do anything???  It has never produced a follicle greater than 12mm.  It's just strange and pathetic.  :)  

I was all excited thinking I could take the trigger tonight, but they told me that my lining isn't think enough yet, sooo no trigger. (It's only at 5-something)  I have to go back again at 6:30 (boo!!) for another round of blood and u/s.  

And that is that.  :)

On a roller coaster...

More and more I feel like I'm on a roller coaster that I can't get off of.  Ever since the negative result I've felt like I'm nose diving and I can't stop.  Like I said before, that negative made me realize that this is "real".  Things aren't going to be as easy as I hoped and thought.  That I was going to have to work for this.  And that I wasn't going to be the lucky one that was just a "fluke".  

So I've been nose diving.  I love my hubby to death, but I have felt more and more alone lately.  We're in this together.  I know we are.  We go to as many appointments as we can together.  He comes to every appointments he can and he goes in with me to hold my hand through all the u/s and blood work.  He's held me as I've cried over the negatives.  But it hurts me so much more.  I feel like a failure and I take it so emotionally.  I get upset.  I get sad.  And I let it bring me down.  I'll admit I get sad when I see couples walking their stroller down the street and I get a little teary eyed when I watch the baby videos sent to us by friends.  It just bothers me all the time.

However, my hubby deals completely different.  He's upset we haven't gotten pregnant, but he's of the philosophy that "Everything will work out."  and "We can't get upset and think about it all the time because what good is that going to do?  It's not going to change anything."  I agree with him on the first point.  I honestly believe that everything will work out.  We WILL get pregnant.  I WILL have a baby.  But having that faith isn't enough to make me not get upset.  

So, I get upset, sad, and down sometimes.  (Not too often, but lately it has been striking at weird times... like yesterday when we were at a cookout, babies were only mentioned maybe 2 times and not in relation to me, and the youngest person there was my brother's 20 year old girl friend... so why did it come up?  Beats me...)  And more and more it makes the hubby and I argue.  I get sad.  He gets upset that I'm letting it get me down (because logically it won't do any good and because he hates to see me upset).  Then I get upset at him because he doesn't get upset (which I know isn't fair...) and say that it doesn't bother him as much...  Blah blah blah.  Basically it's a cycle that I need to get out of, but I don't know how to because I have been so much more upset about it lately.  

I need to just accept and deal but I honestly don't know HOW.  Which makes me feel out of control and sad and frustrated and just blah.   I feel so freakin' alone and frustrated sometimes.  I don't want to complain to people who have been through so much more, but my heart is breaking and I don't know what to do.   And I just feel like the one person I really WANT to talk to doesn't really understand why I am feeling so frustrated and sad.  (And I don't want you to think that my hubby is uninvolved and uncaring and doesn't want this as much as I do.  Because that's not true.  We're just dealing with the issues at hand in different ways... it's enough for him that we're doing everything in our power to get pregnant.  That's not enough for me... I need some results!  And I obsess about things a little too much.  He doesn't see the point in getting upset and obsessing.  And logically I don't, either.  But I still do it.)

I go to the doctors tomorrow AM again so hopefully there is some good solid growth.  I need to see things looking up.  Maybe that will put me in a better mind frame.   :)

Yeah, I could have told you that...

Today I went in to begin monitoring.  I finished clomid yesterday yet they told me to come in today.  I even double checked the phone message yesterday to make sure I got it right.  I sure did.  So, I went in this AM for u/s (fine... though she only counted 11 less than 10 on each size, and none greater than 10mm).  Then blood was okay too.  The girl was nervous and pricked me once.  She then did that "move the needle around inside until it really hurts" thing.  She eventually gave up on my left and pulled out the needle.  Then she did the right and it worked.  It took SO long for the blood to come out today though.  I seriously felt like I was sitting there forever.

Today at school went well.  We had a lowkey morning, then my hubby and Darcy's hubby came in.  We had fun with the kids.  We gave them ice cream sundaes and Darcy brought in the guinea pigs.  Then we had our show.  The kindergarten was definitely the best.  :)

Then, going back to the title, I checked my voicemail at the end of the day.  It was "Um, there's not a lot going on.  It's still a little early for anything to be measurable.  I don't know why we had you coming in today."  At which point I thought "Yeah, I could have told you that..."  So I'm going back on Tuesday AM.  

Nothing really to post

Nothing new to post really.  Things have been moving along.  Tomorrow AM I go in at 6:30 for my u/s and blood.  Then off to school.  

Tomorrow is my kindergartner's Memorial Day show.  I am so excited for it.  They're singing/dancing to "Coming to America" by Neil Diamond and they're hilarious and SO good!  I can't wait to see them on stage in their matching clothes!  Ahh, so cute!  The hubby is coming to school tomorrow for the afternoon and the show, too.  My aide's hubby is coming in with her kid's guinea pigs too.  It's going to be a good, if unproductive, day.  :)  Then Monday is the holiday, Tuesday I have SPED meetings, and Friday we're going to the Zoo.  This whole year is going by so quickly.  I'm anxious to start next year... since about the 3rd day of school I've been thinking about everything I want to "fix" for next year.  :)  

Okay, so I think this was sufficiently about nothing at all.  :)  We'll see how tomorrow goes.  I hope everyone had a fabulous holiday weekend!  

Back to the dreaded question

I meant to mention this yesterday evening.

Last night the hubby and I went out to dinner with some of our best friends.  They're actually the ones whose shower I went to a few weeks ago... the one where the grandmother turned on me and poked and prodded me with questions about starting our family.  Yeah, that one.

Anyways, we went to dinner with them and they asked the same question they asked last time we got together: "When are you two going to have kids?"  Have I mentioned I HATE this question??  I cannot lie.  I think I am physically incapable of it.  If I try to lie I get a weird look or something.  And I can't look people in the eyes.  So... they ask the question and I just end up looking weird and non-responsive.  Which I know isn't the best way to deal with it.  In my head I was screaming, "I already wanted to start!" but I kept awkwardly quiet.  The hubby, however, was brilliant and jumped in with some line about not liking the question because no matter how you answer it there is pressure from both sides, etc.  It was brilliant and I was very proud of him!!  :)  It changed the subject, got the pressure off and I was able to relax.   Now I have to get better at gracefully avoiding the question... :)

We're seeing them again this coming weekend.  Let's see if they ask again... I'm betting they will.  :)

I'm running out of clever titles...

Not that they were ever very clever!

Went to the Drs. this AM for my u/s.  All went well.  I have 20 less than 10 on one side and 16 less than 10 on the other.   I just listened to the message and I can remember which side was which.  I guess it doesn't matter.  I take the clomid for the next 5 days- I'll be done Thursday.  The weird thing, though, is that they have me coming in on Friday the 23rd to start blood and u/s monitoring.  It seems really early to me- the day after I'm done with the pills??

I just checked back and last cycle I finished up on the 18th of April and then waited 5 days and went in on the 23rd of April to start monitoring.  I guess all it means is that I will probably have to go back more often before they give me the green light to take the trigger.  That's okay though, I hate the waiting most of all.  I like having things to do and appointments to be ready for.  :)

We just spent the whole afternoon weeding at my in-laws house.  I'm exhausted and covered in dirt, so I'm off.  :)  

Cycle 3, Here We Come!

Day 1 today-- go to RSC for u/s on Sunday AM.  

We picked up the next round of meds this PM.  I calculated a rough estimate of the money we've spent thus far and it wasn't pretty.  The $500 for the HSG didn't help at all...  Anyways, with the new meds and moving on, I'm feeling optimistic.  The hubby has big plans for this cycle.  :)   We're both feeling good about it.

This is my last cycle at 100mg of Clomid, so hopefully we have some good results.  If not, we're on to 150mg. We talked about asking to speeding it up-- like moving to 150mg this round because I'm very impatient (:)) but earlier my dr. said she's very willing to be cautious and take it slow because I'm so young.    I guess I just have to have faith that our doc knows what she's doing!  If this one doesn't work then we are going to definitely call for a sit down with her.  I haven't actually talked to my doctor since mid-November.  Everything else is done with nurses on her team.  Is this normal??

 I had done remarkably well with the results from Wednesday, but today my aide finally asked me about it (she had known I had gone in, but had refrained from asking me because she didn't want to upset me) and it bothered me.  Not that she asked me-- I love her to death and I appreciate that she cares.  It just bothered me thinking about it.  

When we started this I really thought that everything we were going through was a "fluke"... that we'd be pregnant in no time.  That other people have "serious" problems and that ours aren't like that at all.  Cycle 1 I could just brush off because it was a chemical- something happened, so it was working right?  Plus, I know that it's very common to have early miscarriages- many people just don't know about it.  But this past cycle, nothing happened.  No results at all.  It was like we didn't do anything this past month.  And I think it made me realize that something really IS wrong.  That it IS a big deal and not something that we can just fix with a couple of drugs and some fun sex.  And so, as I've said before, the uncertainty is what kills you.

Negative...

I went in this AM for blood and it went well.  I just got the call, though.  Negative.  So... next cycle I guess.  I don't even know what to say...  I can't say I'm heart broken because I kind of expected it.  However, I am worn out and broken down... it sucks.  Honestly, I'm not sure how long I can do this... it just hurts.  :(  I know I'm still in the early game, but it didn't get easier.  I can only hope that it does...

Terrified

I am so incredibly terrified for tomorrow.  I doubt that I will sleep well tonight.

I'm trying to keep optimistic, but I really don't want to go in and find out tomorrow.  Only because that means that it will be another month (at least) if things don't work.  I can take a few days, but another month or more of this?   And as I've said before, I have so much respect and admiration for those who have been through this for years.  I can't take the weeks and months.  Years might kill me.

Optimism aside, I don't feel too positive about this cycle.  The cramps are just too weird... too crampish... too much like a regular cycle.  And it's too eerily similar to last cycle.  Oh well... whining and complaining and worrying definitely isn't going to do anything.  I'll just be happy with the fact that I should know for sure in less than 20 hours.  :)  If nothing else, I will then at least know where to go next.

Counting Down the Days

Counting down the days... that's all I do now!

Two days... in 48 hours (less actually) I will know!  I've been contemplating taking a HPT... but I've been chickening out and deciding against it because I would rather just find out on Wednesday.  It would stink to find out like tomorrow night by testing myself and then STILL having to go in on Wednesday AM.  So, alas I wait.  Optimistically!!

Uncertainty

So, I go for the Beta on Wednesday- 4 days ish. 

 Last time I was waiting for the Beta back in February (I can't believe it's been so long...) on the Saturday (again, 4ish days before-- I had the test on the Wednesday that week, too) I started to feel really faint cramps and just generally a little "weird".   At the time I was feeling really optimistic because, while a lot of the symptoms could be considered precursors to getting my period, many of them could be symptoms to early pregnancy too.  So obviously I was hoping that it was the latter.  Unfortunately things didn't work out.

Well, today... and a little bit yesterday... I've started to feel "weird" again.  Crampy twinges and whatnot.  I'm just not sure how to feel about them... because of what happened last time.  Like, I don't know if the symptoms that I felt last time were really symptoms of early pregnancy-- and that it just went "wrong" later on, of if the symptoms were just for starting bleeding. 

 So basically all I feel right now is... AHHHH!   Wednesday cannot come fast enough.

On the plus side, the past week and a half has gone pretty quickly- I've managed to stay verrry busy.  I'm just anxious for Wednesday.  I can get blood drawn starting at 6:30am.  Maybe I'll just show up early to make sure I'm number 1... and thus number 1 to be called back in the PM.  :)  Luckily I have school that day.  In February I was on vacation and the wait was UNBEARABLE!!  I sat in bed watching really bad TV and just W-A-I-T-E-D and it took until almost 5pm for them to call which is VERY unusual.  

On the plus side... many of the other blogs I read are going quite well.  I'm very excited for everyone else that I am reading about!!  I'm so happy that things are looking up!!  I'm keeping my fingers crossed for everyone!

Few more days...

Another couple days have come and gone.  

Today was one of those bad days at work... some days I have it and some days I just don't.  This morning, early... like calendar time... I realized that I just didn't have it.  No patience at all.  Which is NOT a good thing when you teach 5 year olds and when you have no specials and when you have 3 of the most difficult children ever.    So... I made it through the day, but it was one of the days where I felt like I didn't do anything but yell.  I hate those days.  I just feel so stressed and tired and hating myself... I promised myself I would read my discipline books tonight to try to come up with some tricks tomorrow.  

I find myself constantly saying "We've done this for 150 days now.  You should know what we're doing!"... but really, I know that they don't have a concept of what that really means.  Ah well... tomorrow is another day and I'm sure it will go better.  I hope.  :)

Last week my aide was out all week.  The children were FANTASTIC.  AMAZING.  I didn't have a single problem.  They were quiet, on task, etc. all week long.  It was at the point where I didn't know why I had actually invited parents in to help--- I didn't feel like I needed them.  I wonder why they're so different this week.  

Today we got $50 to The Learning Tree!  I'm so excited!

Oh... and while doing calendar this AM I realized how freakin' close I am to my test.  Woohoo!!  I'm dying to start feeling different-- it was about 3 or 4 days before my test last time that I noticed that I felt "weird"... so this weekend I'll be crossing my fingers!!  :)  

Keeping Busy :)

This week at school happens to be Teacher Appreciation Week!  :)  

On Monday the PTO gave everyone Clorox wipes (sounds silly, but it's a GREAT present for Kindergarten!) and a card.  Today they gave us $50 to spend on books, bookmarks, and a poster.  Tomorrow they're having a catered lunch.  :)  They also sent home a secret note to all the parents to have their children write "Love Letters" to the teachers.  So when I was leaving today I walked down the hall and found all of the love letters plastered on the wall.  Aww it made me so happy!  I love my students so much-- and it's nice to know that they love me just as much!! 

One of the parents in my class came in as well.  She surprised us at the end of the day with a homemade cake!  Yummy and so sweet!!  Her daughter also gave me flowers and a card this morning.  :)

It's been a great week... and it's only Tuesday!!

10 days... but who's counting?? :)

It's been a busy couple of days.  Uneventful, but busy just the same.  I'm trying to keep busy... keep my mind off of the next few weeks!  :)  I'm so impatient.  Well, impatient about somethings.  

We're getting down to the wire in school- just a few more weeks.  It's incredible how fast the year went by.  I guess we kept ourselves busy with one thing or another .  :)  This summer I'm looking forward to a bit of a break.  No too much... obviously I still will be working and doing something (though not sure exactly what at this juncture).  We're planning on going away for my birthday (woohoo) and then we have 3 weddings this summer.  Two nearby and my cousin's down in VA, so we will be making a vacation out of that one.