Monday, May 26

On a roller coaster...

More and more I feel like I'm on a roller coaster that I can't get off of.  Ever since the negative result I've felt like I'm nose diving and I can't stop.  Like I said before, that negative made me realize that this is "real".  Things aren't going to be as easy as I hoped and thought.  That I was going to have to work for this.  And that I wasn't going to be the lucky one that was just a "fluke".  

So I've been nose diving.  I love my hubby to death, but I have felt more and more alone lately.  We're in this together.  I know we are.  We go to as many appointments as we can together.  He comes to every appointments he can and he goes in with me to hold my hand through all the u/s and blood work.  He's held me as I've cried over the negatives.  But it hurts me so much more.  I feel like a failure and I take it so emotionally.  I get upset.  I get sad.  And I let it bring me down.  I'll admit I get sad when I see couples walking their stroller down the street and I get a little teary eyed when I watch the baby videos sent to us by friends.  It just bothers me all the time.

However, my hubby deals completely different.  He's upset we haven't gotten pregnant, but he's of the philosophy that "Everything will work out."  and "We can't get upset and think about it all the time because what good is that going to do?  It's not going to change anything."  I agree with him on the first point.  I honestly believe that everything will work out.  We WILL get pregnant.  I WILL have a baby.  But having that faith isn't enough to make me not get upset.  

So, I get upset, sad, and down sometimes.  (Not too often, but lately it has been striking at weird times... like yesterday when we were at a cookout, babies were only mentioned maybe 2 times and not in relation to me, and the youngest person there was my brother's 20 year old girl friend... so why did it come up?  Beats me...)  And more and more it makes the hubby and I argue.  I get sad.  He gets upset that I'm letting it get me down (because logically it won't do any good and because he hates to see me upset).  Then I get upset at him because he doesn't get upset (which I know isn't fair...) and say that it doesn't bother him as much...  Blah blah blah.  Basically it's a cycle that I need to get out of, but I don't know how to because I have been so much more upset about it lately.  

I need to just accept and deal but I honestly don't know HOW.  Which makes me feel out of control and sad and frustrated and just blah.   I feel so freakin' alone and frustrated sometimes.  I don't want to complain to people who have been through so much more, but my heart is breaking and I don't know what to do.   And I just feel like the one person I really WANT to talk to doesn't really understand why I am feeling so frustrated and sad.  (And I don't want you to think that my hubby is uninvolved and uncaring and doesn't want this as much as I do.  Because that's not true.  We're just dealing with the issues at hand in different ways... it's enough for him that we're doing everything in our power to get pregnant.  That's not enough for me... I need some results!  And I obsess about things a little too much.  He doesn't see the point in getting upset and obsessing.  And logically I don't, either.  But I still do it.)

I go to the doctors tomorrow AM again so hopefully there is some good solid growth.  I need to see things looking up.  Maybe that will put me in a better mind frame.   :)

1 comment:

Morrisa said...

You remind me of myself back when we were doing Clomid treatments. I think that was the hardest time for me emotionally during this whole crazy IF ride. It's the time when you realize that it isn't going to be "easy." Everything you are feeling is completely normal and part of the stages that we go through while grieving our fertility. ((hugs))