Before I forget

I forgot to mention that the pregnancy test is on the 14th!  It's so far away and I am very impatient!  It just so happens to be my parents anniversary.  :)  Luckily I have lots going on at school and such to keep me busy and occupied.  

And I know that the next 15 days will be some of the slowest around... 

Until next time.

Yay!

Today I had my u/s and blood and it went fantastically!  The blood was a one-needler.  I immediately knew it would be a good morning!  I got the u/s tech that I love.  She found 0 over 10mm on my left.  (Supposedly a week ago I had 2 over 10mm).   She thinks that they were measuring two that were smushed together.  Doesn't matter.  Because... on my right she found that my big one was 20.5mm!  Woohoo... I was so excited.  Sooo I'm taking the trigger tonight!  Woohoo!!!

And... exhale

So... I finally bit the bullet and talked to my principal today to give her the heads up of what is going on.  I've found that I've had a lot more appointments lately... and lots of times they can't give me the 6:30am slot which sometimes makes it difficult to get to school on time (especially when the slot I'm given is like 7:30 or 8am).  So... I finally walked in and blurted it all out.  I was physically shaking and literally had to force myself to go into her office (I actually turned to leave before I forced myself in).  

I went in and closed the door-- which I NEVER do... and which may have been her first indication that something important was going on.  And I actually prefaced the convo with "I've been dreading this conversation."  I think she thought I was going to quit or something.  So then I blurted it out.  I had it so eloquently worded in my head (I've been avoiding this conversation since September, so I've had lots of planning time).  I never actually SAID what it was that was going on.  Meaning I never said "infertility" or "baby".  Instead I just said, "I'm actually going through the same thing as _________ (the other teacher who was at the school)."  She immediately knew what I meant (I knew that the other teacher had confided in her) and she took it fine.  I was just so nervous for some reason.  I explained that I wanted to clear the air because of all the ongoing appointments and such.  She said she'd do her best to cover for me... keep it discrete and help where she could.  She was also worried about me-- she wanted to make sure I was okay.  It went well.  So... huge weight lifted. 

Walking out I felt weak.  I'm not sure entirely why.  But it was a HUGE deal for me to tell her.  I couldn't quite pinpoint why, but now I think I've got an idea.  Telling a friend or a coworker off-hand doesn't seem very serious.  Instead I think I felt like by telling people in the past I was just being kind of casual about it.  I never really let my emotions show... I didn't show how much it bothered me or really that I was very worried about it.  (If that makes sense.)   Also, the very few people I have told (with the exception of the other person going through the same situation) none have shown much interest or concern.  They want to know the details and the updates, but they don't ever ask how I'M doing or how I'm FEELING.  So I've felt kind of like a science experiment gone wrong.  

 But, by telling Becky, someone higher up, and by telling her due to the work implications... it was like it was real.  It was serious.  It wasn't something I could be casual about. Also, like I mentioned, she was concerned about me.  She wanted me to talk to her anytime.  She wanted to make sure I felt like I could confide in her.  So it was a nice feeling.  

I'm not quite sure if this makes sense, but it did feel good to tell her.  I don't have to hide and be vague about early AM dr. appointments or leaving in the PM for consultations.  I can be honest.  :)

That "when" question

"When are you going to start having kids?" and "Do you have any children yet?" are two questions I (as well as many of the people reading this) completely dread.  My husband and I got married about a year and a half ago.  Not long ago, but as soon as we were engaged in Dec. of 05 the children question started to come up.  At first we could genuinely reply that we didn't know or that we were waiting.  It was an easy answer.  And it wasn't a lie.  Then when we DID start trying it became a much more difficult question.

As I've mentioned time and time again, we haven't told anyone that we're trying.  Aside from a few friends and coworkers (some who had to know, some who I confided in) no one knows.  Our families are (as far as we know) completely in the dark.  When I'm bruised or bloated or whatever I hide it with clothing.  Therefore, as far as we know, our plight is an unknown for our families and most of our close friends.  

But we get the question ALL of the time.  I'm a kindergarten teacher and so it's no secret that I love children.  I've wanted to have a baby since I was a baby myself.  I remember being like 3 or 4 and taking care of my "baby"-- my little brother.  So I've always wanted a baby and everyone knows it.  

And it was easy to be honest and say that we weren't thinking about kids yet when that was the truth.  But since we started trying I've found this question difficult.  I can't lie.  I can't say "It's too soon, we're not thinking about it."    I can't do that because then I feel like we're lying to ourselves or something... 

And I can't be elusive ("Oh... you never know...") because this leads John's family to thinking we are pregnant (and actually making bets with each other that we will announce by Christmas or Valentines Day-- I kid you not... money was involved).  But like many people... we get this question all the time and I hate it!!  I just want to scream at people to mind their own business.

The reason this came up... yesterday I went to a friend's bridal shower.  She's a friend of my husband... who became my friend.  So I don't know any of her friends and I definitely don't know any of her fiance's family.  So I was sitting there at the shower making small talk when the sweet little grandmother asked "So, do you have children yet?"  And I was stopped in my tracks.  I said "No, not yet" and turned bright red as I gave the excuse that we were "Really busy right now".   And then I got the interrogation.  How long had I been married, were we thinking of having kids, how many, when did we want to start, etc. etc.   She went as far as telling me that the bride and groom to be had already announced that they were going to start trying for the little blessing in October.  Meanwhile I'm twisting uncomfortably in my seat.  Gah... Looking back I'm not so sure why it bothered me.  But it did... I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

Sometimes I think the only way to get this question to stop is to be honest and to say that we ARE trying, hit a speed bump, and that we're working on it.  But at the same time I don't want people to act differently around me.  So I'm left to deal with THE question...

A little humor for an un-humorous time...

One of the funniest (and at the same time saddest) things I've read...

Tuesday it is

The official decision came this afternoon.  Apparently we're just going to hang around and wait to see what happens Tuesday AM (another fabulous round of blood and u/s).  Wooohoo... because we all know I love to wait.  

Again we wait...

This AM we had another round of u/s and blood.  The blood took two needles again.  I immediately told the nurse today that it took four tries on Wednesday.  She promised that it wouldn't be that many.  :)  And she was right.  It was a nurse who has gotten nervous poking me before because she's done it a few times and each time she couldn't get the vein and ended up passing me off to someone else.  But this time she stuck with it and was able to get my vein on the second try.  Yay!  I do have a bruise forming already from her first try.  I look like a drug addict with all of my bruises.

The ultrasound was a bit disappointing.  I went in on Wednesday and on my right I had one at 13mm (or right around there) and 15 under 10mm.  Today I had one at 14mm on my right and an additional 15-20 smaller ones.  So, only a 1mm increase.  Not too good for 3 days.  On my left I had only one that was over 10mm and it was just around 11mm.  The ultrasound tech tried and tried to find another one over 10mm because on Wednesday they said I had 2 over 10mm.  However, even after looking a really long time she wasn't able to find one... 

So now I just wait for them to call me this afternoon with my instructions.  Either I'll have to go in again... I'm guessing on Monday.  Or they will call in a new prescription for 150mg of Clomid for me to take for a few days.  Either way, I hate the waiting!

Occupying my Mind

For the first day of Spring Vacation I was able to take my mind off of all of this.  I promised myself that I wouldn't waste the beginning of my week, but I found that I did... just like in February.  However, today I made some definite head-ways in getting other stuff done.  I did the IEP assessment I'd been putting off for waayy too long, I printed all of the Guided Reading forms I made, I started my lesson plans for until the end of the year, and I finally wrote my Statement of Purpose for UML.  It always feels good to finally get things done.  :)  I also started looking for summer positions.  I have 2 people interested in having me nanny for the summer.  As always, I'm torn though.  We'll have to see what the summer brings.  :)

On another note, I was talking to my mom today.  My mom told me that my dad found a pregnancy test in my brother and his wife's room.  (They live with my parents due to some not-so-good choices and actions along the way...)  It's a long complicated, messed up story... but if they get pregnant before me I might go crazy.  Absolutely freakin' crazy.  Just the thought of it is making me crazy.  But that's another long story in itself.  So... I guess we'll have to wait and see.  Until then... :)

Saturday again

I just got my call... so officially on my left there is one at 11mm and one at 10mm.  I also have 15 less than 10mm.  On my right I have one at 13mm.  I also have 15 less than 10mm on my right.  I'm going back again on Saturday for another blood draw (maybe 1 needle this time?  ;) and another ultrasound.  Blegh.

Behold! The Human Pin Cushion!

Alas, I know most people going through infertility treatments feel the same way, but I can't help put feel like a human pin cushion.  I'm poked and prodded on a regular basis.  I was lucky- I hate needles- and I can only ever remember having my blood tested 3 times in my life before I went to see the RE.  Each time I had to be poked twice due to tricky veins and one unfortunate encounter where the blood ended up everywhere.  

Either way, today, I feel like a pin cushion.  I went in for my post-Clomid appointment to see how things were going.  I didn't get poked once.  Not twice like normal.  Not even three times.  But four times!  Each time I go in I have both arms exposed and they always ask, "Which one would you like?" to which I always respond "Which ever one is easier."  They always just kind of ignore this and go for the left arm without looking at both.  I think they just think I'm plain indecisive.  But no, it's because my veins are tricky and I have grown to know and accept that.  

So... we went through the usual ritual today.  The first nurse poked my left arm with a regular needle.  Moved it around a bit.  BFN.  Then she poked me on the right arm with a butterfly.  Move it around a bit.  BFN.  At this point she got nervous and called nurse number 2 over.  She again did the "Which arm should I use?" routine.  Um... how about the one that you can get the blood draw with?  That would be fabulous, thanks.  So she poked me in the left arm... moved it around a bit.  Again, BFN.  So, here we are... I'm alone, hating needles, ready to cry.  Then they called over nurse number 3.  She poked my left arm again, after a tiny bit of moving she had the vein and the blood came out.  Yay.  This is why I need Johnny there to hold my hand.

So, the ultrasound.  I went today to check the progress... to essentially see what the 5 days of Clomid had done.  Unfortunately, after the 5 days... being on something like day 12 of the cycle... I only had one on my right over 10mm (it was at 12.5 or 13mm) and two on my left over 10mm (10mm and 11mm).  So that was disappointing.  That's close to what I had after 50mg of Clomid for 5 days.  I was hoping that I would have lots of massive follicles.  But nope.  So we will see this afternoon when they need me in next to poke and prod me.  

Up until this point I've been really optimistic and such, but for some reason today broke me.  It's not that I'm not optimistic... I do think that this will happen.  But I just got so frustrated.  This sucks and I'm sick of it.  It's taking a toll on me and I don't like it.  I hate spreading my legs for strangers.  I hate being poked with needles and having my blood taken.  I hate the bruises that always result.  I hate feeling gross.  I hate this.  But, alas, as I have said before, I will do ANYTHING it takes to have a baby.  Even this.  Even this 10 times over.  I just wish I didn't have to...

Oh good, you're only 23...

I may have written about this before.  If I have, please disregard this.

When we started on this little adventure (that's what I've come to call it...) I was 22.  Only 22.  Young, healthy... 22.  By the time we first met with the doctor I was 23.  My RE kept bringing up my age-- it was something on our side.  I was young and ready to nip this problem in the bud early so to speak.  

From the onset, I hated hearing those lines.  "You're only 23..."  Yes, I was 23, but I was ready to start a family.  I was young, but BY CHOICE.  I wanted to be a mother young.  My hubby wanted to be a father young.  So, those lines began to eat away at me.  Back in December when our first cycle was cancelled due to CF testing (the clinic "forgot" to test us back in September... and as a result they insisted that we cancel our cycle to have the testing done just in case...) the line I got the day that I thought we were going to start the Clomid was "You're only 23.  You have plenty of time.  Another month- or year- won't hurt you."  So, I agreed... I was pushed in to waiting... But...

WHAT??  I'm only 23... but that means that they can push me back and it's no big deal??  I may be young, but that's by choice... I wanted to have a baby at 22 when I first started this saga.   A month may be better at my age than in 20 years, but a month is still another month for my dream to be pushed back.   And there I grew to hate that line... and dread it too. 

If I wanted to wait a few more months to have a baby I wouldn't have started trying 16 months ago.  And there you have my number 1 infertility pet-peeve.

Losing Touch

Maybe it's normal... or at least, not abnormal.  But more and more I feel like I'm losing touch with my friends.  I married right after college... I graduated in May, and married in August at 22.  Then, 5 months later we decided to try for a family.  I work full-time following my dreams, teaching my students, and making my way through this awesome, confusing thing called life.  

When I graduated high school and college I had a good mix of friends.  A few I really felt like I could go to for anything... who would be there no matter what.  Who would care about what was going on.  But really, I feel like I've left them behind... or at the very least, we have chosen two very different paths in life... and we've grown very far apart because of it.  A few of my friends are on the way to getting married, but most are dating, living life on their own, and experience the crazy post-undergrad years and taking it all in.  And that difference in our lives has become so apparent.  I rarely talk to most of my friends... even when I tell them I really need to talk... I don't get much back.  Even my "best" friend... the maid of honor at my wedding... nothing.  Now, I don't know what I would say... I need a shoulder to lean on and sometimes I reach out to try to find the right shoulder (the few I have are great... but I hate burdening any one person with all of my problems...) but I don't know how much or what I would say.  But I feel more and more that we're falling apart to a point that nothing would fix it.  

So I'm left to rely on the very few friends I have.  My friend from school has been amazing.  

And once again, I find myself revisiting the notion of telling my mom.  I don't know how I would do it... but she's really my best friend (besides the DH of course)... and just having someone to talk to when things don't work out would be great.  But then again I'm left with the thought... maybe I should just wait until the end of this cycle.  Who knows?  It may work out perfectly.  Then it will be a non-issue (at least until we try for baby #2).   But then... I know I would think the same thing in the middle of the next cycle... maybe I should just wait... it might work.  And I can play that game until the day it does work.

Lastly, I'm left to think of the whirlwind that we've been living.  When we got married I had a thought that things might not work out easily.  But as I have said before... we were naive and so optimistic early on.  (Which leads me to think that I am SO happy that we started early instead of just waiting...)  But here we are... 16 months later.  With nothing concrete to show for it... except for this amazing bond that binds us.  One thing I think for sure with everyone going through fertility treatments to make their dreams of a family a reality is that they must REALLY want kids.  They will be the most amazing parents because they know, not only the sacrifice it takes to raise a kid but the sacrifice (the early AM appointments, the countless needles, spreading your legs weekly for strangers, the fear, the hope, the uncertainty, the heartbreak...) it takes to just HAVE a kid.  And I've always believed and been taught to believe that you appreciate those things that you have to work for.

And work for it I will... :)

Vacation leaves me too much time to think and type.  :) 

Thoughts of wasted time

I promised myself a few days ago that I wouldn't waste my vacation.  I've been so stressed at school... so much going on and so much on my mind.  I just needed the break... of course I would do school work, but I needed the break.  Most of all... I would not waste the beginning of vacation waiting for the tests on Wednesday.  Last vacation I wasted all my time just WAITING for the pregnancy test on Wednesday.  This time I am just waiting to see if the Clomid worked, but I still feel like I'm just WAITING.  It's Tuesday and I am sitting in my PJs, watching bad TV on TLC (like those darn baby shows I said I shouldn't watch...), and just surfing the millions of Infertility Blogs online.  

The funny thing is... reading these blogs... of the people who have been trying for YEARS... has given me a lot of hope.  The best part is that on lots of these blogs there are multiple lists of links.  

One list is usually of those people going through the same thing.  They're all at different stages and ages, but they're going through the blood tests and the ultrasounds and the weekly (or biweekly... or four times weekly as the case may be...) appointments and they're making it through.  The best part for me is to see and read the anger.  Because I have tired to stay so positive... I am young (yes, I know... they've told me that before) and I have hope, but at the same time, sometimes I just want to punch a wall, I want to try, I want to whine... because it isn't fair.  

The second list is usually of people who have survived infertility.  They've gone through the work, the stress, the tests, the heartbreak (because it really is heartbreak every time, isn't it??).  They have babies or they are pregnant.  It's so great because it really shows the light at the end of the tunnel.  And that's what I need.

And this brings me to something else.  Most of these people I've seen have been going through this since 2004, 2005... or sooner.  A long time.  They've survived unthinkable heartbreak and hurt.  I feel like I don't have a place to say I'm having "fertility problems"...  I don't have a place to whine because I am so young and I have only been dealing with this for 16 months.  

So I guess I'm still at a loss... I still feel like I'm floating alone.  With the help of the best hubby... who unfortunately doesn't understand the hurt I feel on a daily basis.  (I love him to death-- but he doesn't usually get feeling upset or sad... life is too short in his eyes... which is a great view and stance, but sometimes it's easier said than done...)  I have days where I am so incredibly sad, where I break down easily (usually resulting in crying fits) ... days where all I can think is "It's not fair..." but other days I'm okay.  Right now I'm okay.  We'll see... tomorrow's a different day.

Lending an ear

I spent the evening last night having dinner with my other struggling teacher friend.  I love hanging out with her and getting a chance to talk to her.  She's one of the sweetest, most even-tempered people I know.  And, really, she's the only person who really knows what I'm going through.  She's so supportive that it's great to get to talk to her.

As always our discussions moved toward my health... and at this point in time I don't really see this infertility as a health issue.  I can't really explain how I view this.  But to me it's kind of like a bump in the road... it WILL happen... it has to.  But as usual, I had to say that things are up in the air and confusing as always.  I feel like I'm just floating in a river literally going where the current takes me.  So I just wait.

She on the other hand.  She's done with the 1 hour commute, the stress of the fabulous Clapp School... the kids, the teachers, the parents... everything.  She loves her new job... she's taking everything in and she just is SO HAPPY.  Because of the loss of her IVF and the past few years of stress she and her husband are taking some time off from the stress of trying.  Time to relax and let themselves heal.  So, she's doing well... in August if she has found a new job.... she said she may start trying again.  I hope for her that it works out sooner than later.  She did say that she ovulated for the first time on her own in a very long time.  Turns out that the stress was contributing a lot to the situation.  I hope for her that it works out soon.  She deserves it and she's so amazing.

How is it fair that trying has become stressful for some people??  

The most stress for me comes from my job I think... I teach the best bunch of 5 and 6 year olds.  I love them to death, but 1/2 the parents drive me crazy... and they just lack obvious "good" parenting skills.  So why can they have children?  Yet I can't??

Wednesday is another doctors appointment.  Lets hope those eggs are exploding!  :)

Vacation!

5 days of clo.mid.  10 pills.  RSC on Wednesday.  I'm not going to waste my vacation waiting around for the doctors like I did in February.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I'm going to make it worth my while!  :)

2 X 2

2 x 2 done.  I've taken 4 pills of clomid... 6 more to go.  

I'm on my way!!

Yay!  Bloodwork and u/s went off without a hitch today!  Yay!  

My HcG levels were zero.  I have 10 less than 10mm on my left.  I have 15 less than 10mm on my right.  So things look good to start the next cycle.  Johnny and I went to IVP Care this afternoon to pick up the Clo.mid and the Ovi.drel.  I'm taking 2 pills of Clo.mid for 5 nights- 10 pills in all.  Hopefully it's a bit more effective than last time.  Then, on the 23rd - Wednesday of next week - I'm going in for my follow up blood and u/s.  Hopefully that shows that I have follicles that are responding well to the Clo.mid.  I should then be able to take the Ovidrel soon after that.  Hopefully before I go back to work on the 28th.  That's my hope.  :)  Then this means that I can potentially know if I'm pregnant or not by Mother's Day!  Woohoo.  I hope and hope and hope that things work out and that this works!  I'm so excited and optimistic, but I'm trying to play it cautious, but it's hard not to be so hopeful after the last cycle ended the way it did.  It's tangible and possible... it worked, only it didn't.  :)  If that makes sense.  So I'm hoping and wishing on all of the fake birthday cakes that my kids make for me at school.  

And  so here I say good bye.  Update can be expected in about a week and a half!  Unless something more exciting happens before then... 

Tomorrow

Tomorrow's the big day!  I feel like I've said that same type of thing 16 times!  

I'm going tomorrow for blood work and u/s.  I started bleeding on my own on Saturday- exactly 2 weeks after last going to the drs.  It's annoying because that means I did ovulate ON MY OWN... and that we missed again.  Or maybe... Honestly, I was in SO much pain yesterday.  Exactly like last time... severe pain, shooting down my right leg and on my right side.   So part of me wonders if maybe the same thing didn't happen again... the chemical pregnancy.  I hope not because I want to start my next cycle of clo.mid tomorrow!  

I'm going to tell Becky at school tomorrow.  My dr appointment is at 8am, so I have to be late tomorrow.  It's not a big deal, but I'd just feel better if I clear the air so she can understand if I have to be late other times too.  So, that's the plan.  Wish me luck for tomorrow am!