And... exhale

So... I finally bit the bullet and talked to my principal today to give her the heads up of what is going on.  I've found that I've had a lot more appointments lately... and lots of times they can't give me the 6:30am slot which sometimes makes it difficult to get to school on time (especially when the slot I'm given is like 7:30 or 8am).  So... I finally walked in and blurted it all out.  I was physically shaking and literally had to force myself to go into her office (I actually turned to leave before I forced myself in).  

I went in and closed the door-- which I NEVER do... and which may have been her first indication that something important was going on.  And I actually prefaced the convo with "I've been dreading this conversation."  I think she thought I was going to quit or something.  So then I blurted it out.  I had it so eloquently worded in my head (I've been avoiding this conversation since September, so I've had lots of planning time).  I never actually SAID what it was that was going on.  Meaning I never said "infertility" or "baby".  Instead I just said, "I'm actually going through the same thing as _________ (the other teacher who was at the school)."  She immediately knew what I meant (I knew that the other teacher had confided in her) and she took it fine.  I was just so nervous for some reason.  I explained that I wanted to clear the air because of all the ongoing appointments and such.  She said she'd do her best to cover for me... keep it discrete and help where she could.  She was also worried about me-- she wanted to make sure I was okay.  It went well.  So... huge weight lifted. 

Walking out I felt weak.  I'm not sure entirely why.  But it was a HUGE deal for me to tell her.  I couldn't quite pinpoint why, but now I think I've got an idea.  Telling a friend or a coworker off-hand doesn't seem very serious.  Instead I think I felt like by telling people in the past I was just being kind of casual about it.  I never really let my emotions show... I didn't show how much it bothered me or really that I was very worried about it.  (If that makes sense.)   Also, the very few people I have told (with the exception of the other person going through the same situation) none have shown much interest or concern.  They want to know the details and the updates, but they don't ever ask how I'M doing or how I'm FEELING.  So I've felt kind of like a science experiment gone wrong.  

 But, by telling Becky, someone higher up, and by telling her due to the work implications... it was like it was real.  It was serious.  It wasn't something I could be casual about. Also, like I mentioned, she was concerned about me.  She wanted me to talk to her anytime.  She wanted to make sure I felt like I could confide in her.  So it was a nice feeling.  

I'm not quite sure if this makes sense, but it did feel good to tell her.  I don't have to hide and be vague about early AM dr. appointments or leaving in the PM for consultations.  I can be honest.  :)