That "when" question

"When are you going to start having kids?" and "Do you have any children yet?" are two questions I (as well as many of the people reading this) completely dread.  My husband and I got married about a year and a half ago.  Not long ago, but as soon as we were engaged in Dec. of 05 the children question started to come up.  At first we could genuinely reply that we didn't know or that we were waiting.  It was an easy answer.  And it wasn't a lie.  Then when we DID start trying it became a much more difficult question.

As I've mentioned time and time again, we haven't told anyone that we're trying.  Aside from a few friends and coworkers (some who had to know, some who I confided in) no one knows.  Our families are (as far as we know) completely in the dark.  When I'm bruised or bloated or whatever I hide it with clothing.  Therefore, as far as we know, our plight is an unknown for our families and most of our close friends.  

But we get the question ALL of the time.  I'm a kindergarten teacher and so it's no secret that I love children.  I've wanted to have a baby since I was a baby myself.  I remember being like 3 or 4 and taking care of my "baby"-- my little brother.  So I've always wanted a baby and everyone knows it.  

And it was easy to be honest and say that we weren't thinking about kids yet when that was the truth.  But since we started trying I've found this question difficult.  I can't lie.  I can't say "It's too soon, we're not thinking about it."    I can't do that because then I feel like we're lying to ourselves or something... 

And I can't be elusive ("Oh... you never know...") because this leads John's family to thinking we are pregnant (and actually making bets with each other that we will announce by Christmas or Valentines Day-- I kid you not... money was involved).  But like many people... we get this question all the time and I hate it!!  I just want to scream at people to mind their own business.

The reason this came up... yesterday I went to a friend's bridal shower.  She's a friend of my husband... who became my friend.  So I don't know any of her friends and I definitely don't know any of her fiance's family.  So I was sitting there at the shower making small talk when the sweet little grandmother asked "So, do you have children yet?"  And I was stopped in my tracks.  I said "No, not yet" and turned bright red as I gave the excuse that we were "Really busy right now".   And then I got the interrogation.  How long had I been married, were we thinking of having kids, how many, when did we want to start, etc. etc.   She went as far as telling me that the bride and groom to be had already announced that they were going to start trying for the little blessing in October.  Meanwhile I'm twisting uncomfortably in my seat.  Gah... Looking back I'm not so sure why it bothered me.  But it did... I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

Sometimes I think the only way to get this question to stop is to be honest and to say that we ARE trying, hit a speed bump, and that we're working on it.  But at the same time I don't want people to act differently around me.  So I'm left to deal with THE question...

Occupying my Mind

For the first day of Spring Vacation I was able to take my mind off of all of this.  I promised myself that I wouldn't waste the beginning of my week, but I found that I did... just like in February.  However, today I made some definite head-ways in getting other stuff done.  I did the IEP assessment I'd been putting off for waayy too long, I printed all of the Guided Reading forms I made, I started my lesson plans for until the end of the year, and I finally wrote my Statement of Purpose for UML.  It always feels good to finally get things done.  :)  I also started looking for summer positions.  I have 2 people interested in having me nanny for the summer.  As always, I'm torn though.  We'll have to see what the summer brings.  :)

On another note, I was talking to my mom today.  My mom told me that my dad found a pregnancy test in my brother and his wife's room.  (They live with my parents due to some not-so-good choices and actions along the way...)  It's a long complicated, messed up story... but if they get pregnant before me I might go crazy.  Absolutely freakin' crazy.  Just the thought of it is making me crazy.  But that's another long story in itself.  So... I guess we'll have to wait and see.  Until then... :)

Starting the next round

Tomorrow marks 30 freakin' days.

I still can't believe how completely fast these past 30 days have gone.   I mentioned that to Johnny and he said it had gone slow.  It seems fast to me though.  Fast, but not fast enough.  So tomorrow I'm going to call RSC and get the ball rolling again.  I'll probably go in for Pro.vera bloodwork tomorrow (I assume...) and then in a week and a half or so (April 3rd-8th I'm guessing) I'll be going in for Day 3 bloodwork and ultrasound... and then Clo.mid... and then a week and then testing and monitoring for a few days... then Ovi.drel... then pregnancy test!!  

Today was Easter and we went to Jean and Walt's.  Jenny was there with the babies.  I was admittedly out of it and a little down.  There have been so many babies lately (pregnancies, talk of babies, the kids at Sarah's yesterday, Gracie & Emily...) and it's been kind of upsetting.  I KNOW I shouldn't let it bother me, but it just does.  A lot.  So... I don't know how long I'll be able to go through this without telling someone else.  Someone who cares.  If this cycle fails I really don't know how I'll deal with it.  I dealt remarkably well with the whole not pregnant-then miscarriage thing.   But it's there in the back of my head.  I need this to work. ...

Jeeze,  I don't want to even read what I wrote.  It probably makes no sense.

To tell or not to tell

I haven't really talked to anyone going through fertility issues, so I don't know how other people deal with them.  I have talked to another teacher at my school a tiny bit- she's going through the same thing, but she's s bit further ahead of it that me.  (She's as far as one failed round of IVF)  But I haven't really talked to her.  And so I'm left with my question: To Tell or not to Tell.  

Some days I have such a strong desire to keep everything quiet.  From the beginning that was our resolution- keep is quiet so that we don't become the pitied ones.  I don't want every first question when we visit people to be, "So, how's the baby making coming along?"  We already get plenty of well-meaning awkward questions from Johnny's family- I don't need any more probing questions.  They're open enough to ask me ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, so I wouldn't want the chance of questions coming up.  Also, I want it to be a surprise to everyone.  Right now we're keeping the, "We'll see when we'll have a baby." vibe.  We're trying not to let people in.  

BUT... there's the other part of me.  The part of me that wants to let people in.  Because sometimes I feel like this is our own personal shame.  I try not to let it bother me, but isn't it kind of "shameful" (I hate that word...) if you have to hide it from people?  But really, I feel like it's so exciting.  Everything that is going on is really kind of neat.  Science is neat and everything that is happening is neat.  I want to be able to share that with people who really care and who are really interested.  So I really want to share this with someone... not everyone, but someone who really cares.  I kind of want to tell my mom... but I haven't.

Also... I want to share this with someone because, no matter how much I love Johnny and how well-meaning he is... he just can't seem to grasp by this whole thing bothers me so much.  Why I get upset every time we have a set back.  Why I get emotional when they call and say we'll have to wait another month.  Why I get a little sad when I see a baby or jealous when I hear that another friend is pregnant (usually unintentionally... happily, but unintentionally).  He can't seem to get it... so some times I feel like I need someone else there to lean on.  But I go back and forth between the two extremes so much that instead I don't share it with anyone... and I don't know if I want to or not...

So, I wonder, do the majority of people share their journey with those close to them?  Or do they keep it to themselves?