Losing Touch

Maybe it's normal... or at least, not abnormal.  But more and more I feel like I'm losing touch with my friends.  I married right after college... I graduated in May, and married in August at 22.  Then, 5 months later we decided to try for a family.  I work full-time following my dreams, teaching my students, and making my way through this awesome, confusing thing called life.  

When I graduated high school and college I had a good mix of friends.  A few I really felt like I could go to for anything... who would be there no matter what.  Who would care about what was going on.  But really, I feel like I've left them behind... or at the very least, we have chosen two very different paths in life... and we've grown very far apart because of it.  A few of my friends are on the way to getting married, but most are dating, living life on their own, and experience the crazy post-undergrad years and taking it all in.  And that difference in our lives has become so apparent.  I rarely talk to most of my friends... even when I tell them I really need to talk... I don't get much back.  Even my "best" friend... the maid of honor at my wedding... nothing.  Now, I don't know what I would say... I need a shoulder to lean on and sometimes I reach out to try to find the right shoulder (the few I have are great... but I hate burdening any one person with all of my problems...) but I don't know how much or what I would say.  But I feel more and more that we're falling apart to a point that nothing would fix it.  

So I'm left to rely on the very few friends I have.  My friend from school has been amazing.  

And once again, I find myself revisiting the notion of telling my mom.  I don't know how I would do it... but she's really my best friend (besides the DH of course)... and just having someone to talk to when things don't work out would be great.  But then again I'm left with the thought... maybe I should just wait until the end of this cycle.  Who knows?  It may work out perfectly.  Then it will be a non-issue (at least until we try for baby #2).   But then... I know I would think the same thing in the middle of the next cycle... maybe I should just wait... it might work.  And I can play that game until the day it does work.

Lastly, I'm left to think of the whirlwind that we've been living.  When we got married I had a thought that things might not work out easily.  But as I have said before... we were naive and so optimistic early on.  (Which leads me to think that I am SO happy that we started early instead of just waiting...)  But here we are... 16 months later.  With nothing concrete to show for it... except for this amazing bond that binds us.  One thing I think for sure with everyone going through fertility treatments to make their dreams of a family a reality is that they must REALLY want kids.  They will be the most amazing parents because they know, not only the sacrifice it takes to raise a kid but the sacrifice (the early AM appointments, the countless needles, spreading your legs weekly for strangers, the fear, the hope, the uncertainty, the heartbreak...) it takes to just HAVE a kid.  And I've always believed and been taught to believe that you appreciate those things that you have to work for.

And work for it I will... :)

Vacation leaves me too much time to think and type.  :) 

To tell or not to tell

I haven't really talked to anyone going through fertility issues, so I don't know how other people deal with them.  I have talked to another teacher at my school a tiny bit- she's going through the same thing, but she's s bit further ahead of it that me.  (She's as far as one failed round of IVF)  But I haven't really talked to her.  And so I'm left with my question: To Tell or not to Tell.  

Some days I have such a strong desire to keep everything quiet.  From the beginning that was our resolution- keep is quiet so that we don't become the pitied ones.  I don't want every first question when we visit people to be, "So, how's the baby making coming along?"  We already get plenty of well-meaning awkward questions from Johnny's family- I don't need any more probing questions.  They're open enough to ask me ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, so I wouldn't want the chance of questions coming up.  Also, I want it to be a surprise to everyone.  Right now we're keeping the, "We'll see when we'll have a baby." vibe.  We're trying not to let people in.  

BUT... there's the other part of me.  The part of me that wants to let people in.  Because sometimes I feel like this is our own personal shame.  I try not to let it bother me, but isn't it kind of "shameful" (I hate that word...) if you have to hide it from people?  But really, I feel like it's so exciting.  Everything that is going on is really kind of neat.  Science is neat and everything that is happening is neat.  I want to be able to share that with people who really care and who are really interested.  So I really want to share this with someone... not everyone, but someone who really cares.  I kind of want to tell my mom... but I haven't.

Also... I want to share this with someone because, no matter how much I love Johnny and how well-meaning he is... he just can't seem to grasp by this whole thing bothers me so much.  Why I get upset every time we have a set back.  Why I get emotional when they call and say we'll have to wait another month.  Why I get a little sad when I see a baby or jealous when I hear that another friend is pregnant (usually unintentionally... happily, but unintentionally).  He can't seem to get it... so some times I feel like I need someone else there to lean on.  But I go back and forth between the two extremes so much that instead I don't share it with anyone... and I don't know if I want to or not...

So, I wonder, do the majority of people share their journey with those close to them?  Or do they keep it to themselves?