Tuesday, April 22

Losing Touch

Maybe it's normal... or at least, not abnormal.  But more and more I feel like I'm losing touch with my friends.  I married right after college... I graduated in May, and married in August at 22.  Then, 5 months later we decided to try for a family.  I work full-time following my dreams, teaching my students, and making my way through this awesome, confusing thing called life.  

When I graduated high school and college I had a good mix of friends.  A few I really felt like I could go to for anything... who would be there no matter what.  Who would care about what was going on.  But really, I feel like I've left them behind... or at the very least, we have chosen two very different paths in life... and we've grown very far apart because of it.  A few of my friends are on the way to getting married, but most are dating, living life on their own, and experience the crazy post-undergrad years and taking it all in.  And that difference in our lives has become so apparent.  I rarely talk to most of my friends... even when I tell them I really need to talk... I don't get much back.  Even my "best" friend... the maid of honor at my wedding... nothing.  Now, I don't know what I would say... I need a shoulder to lean on and sometimes I reach out to try to find the right shoulder (the few I have are great... but I hate burdening any one person with all of my problems...) but I don't know how much or what I would say.  But I feel more and more that we're falling apart to a point that nothing would fix it.  

So I'm left to rely on the very few friends I have.  My friend from school has been amazing.  

And once again, I find myself revisiting the notion of telling my mom.  I don't know how I would do it... but she's really my best friend (besides the DH of course)... and just having someone to talk to when things don't work out would be great.  But then again I'm left with the thought... maybe I should just wait until the end of this cycle.  Who knows?  It may work out perfectly.  Then it will be a non-issue (at least until we try for baby #2).   But then... I know I would think the same thing in the middle of the next cycle... maybe I should just wait... it might work.  And I can play that game until the day it does work.

Lastly, I'm left to think of the whirlwind that we've been living.  When we got married I had a thought that things might not work out easily.  But as I have said before... we were naive and so optimistic early on.  (Which leads me to think that I am SO happy that we started early instead of just waiting...)  But here we are... 16 months later.  With nothing concrete to show for it... except for this amazing bond that binds us.  One thing I think for sure with everyone going through fertility treatments to make their dreams of a family a reality is that they must REALLY want kids.  They will be the most amazing parents because they know, not only the sacrifice it takes to raise a kid but the sacrifice (the early AM appointments, the countless needles, spreading your legs weekly for strangers, the fear, the hope, the uncertainty, the heartbreak...) it takes to just HAVE a kid.  And I've always believed and been taught to believe that you appreciate those things that you have to work for.

And work for it I will... :)

Vacation leaves me too much time to think and type.  :) 

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