Tuesday, April 22
Thoughts of wasted time
I promised myself a few days ago that I wouldn't waste my vacation. I've been so stressed at school... so much going on and so much on my mind. I just needed the break... of course I would do school work, but I needed the break. Most of all... I would not waste the beginning of vacation waiting for the tests on Wednesday. Last vacation I wasted all my time just WAITING for the pregnancy test on Wednesday. This time I am just waiting to see if the Clomid worked, but I still feel like I'm just WAITING. It's Tuesday and I am sitting in my PJs, watching bad TV on TLC (like those darn baby shows I said I shouldn't watch...), and just surfing the millions of Infertility Blogs online.
The funny thing is... reading these blogs... of the people who have been trying for YEARS... has given me a lot of hope. The best part is that on lots of these blogs there are multiple lists of links.
One list is usually of those people going through the same thing. They're all at different stages and ages, but they're going through the blood tests and the ultrasounds and the weekly (or biweekly... or four times weekly as the case may be...) appointments and they're making it through. The best part for me is to see and read the anger. Because I have tired to stay so positive... I am young (yes, I know... they've told me that before) and I have hope, but at the same time, sometimes I just want to punch a wall, I want to try, I want to whine... because it isn't fair.
The second list is usually of people who have survived infertility. They've gone through the work, the stress, the tests, the heartbreak (because it really is heartbreak every time, isn't it??). They have babies or they are pregnant. It's so great because it really shows the light at the end of the tunnel. And that's what I need.
And this brings me to something else. Most of these people I've seen have been going through this since 2004, 2005... or sooner. A long time. They've survived unthinkable heartbreak and hurt. I feel like I don't have a place to say I'm having "fertility problems"... I don't have a place to whine because I am so young and I have only been dealing with this for 16 months.
So I guess I'm still at a loss... I still feel like I'm floating alone. With the help of the best hubby... who unfortunately doesn't understand the hurt I feel on a daily basis. (I love him to death-- but he doesn't usually get feeling upset or sad... life is too short in his eyes... which is a great view and stance, but sometimes it's easier said than done...) I have days where I am so incredibly sad, where I break down easily (usually resulting in crying fits) ... days where all I can think is "It's not fair..." but other days I'm okay. Right now I'm okay. We'll see... tomorrow's a different day.