One Week

What a difference a week can make.

One week ago I had the best week of my life. No joke. And I've had a pretty great life. But from Tuesday the 21st to Tuesday the 28th I had the best week EVER. I don't think I have ever smiled as much (and I smile a lot)... I walked around with the pregnancy test just looking at it (don't worry, Johnny made fun of me)... I actually started reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting"... things were looking up.

When we first got married I was 22 and Johnny was 23. From the beginning we said we were going to have a baby before either of us was 25. Unfortunately we were faced with this infertility junk and Johnny turned 25 in December of last year. I turn 25 at the very end of June 2009. So this pregnancy was just perfect. I actually had the possibility of having the baby before I was 25. (Calculating online I was due on July 5th... so a few days early wouldn't have been ridiculous). It was just such a peaceful feeling. Things were finally working out.

Then there was Tuesday and that stupid phone call which started what has easily become the worst week. Every morning I go to the doctors I have to fill out a pink card with my name, phone number, and whether or not it's OK to leave a message. Beta #1 days I always say no, it's not okay. All other days I say it is okay to leave a message. I've found that good or encouraging results (follicles looking good, time to move on, etc) result in a call around 12:30 and a very peppy nurse. Not so good calls (you need to come in again for more blood, the follicles aren't quite ready, I'm sorry...) end up with a call around 3:30 and a much sadder nurse. So when school was over on Tuesday and I still didn't have a call, I have to admit that I was nervous. So, I took that call and I was very strong if I do say so myself. I took it well. And I only had to hide a few tears from the custodian as she swept the classroom floors. But calling Johnny with the results was a whole other story. I had to go outside and I couldn't even get past "Hi" without breaking down. I scared him... I know I scared myself. Once I finally managed to get the words out (which took awhile) I was able to calm down and finish what I had started at school. Then I went home and I was fine... I really was. Until my mom called and it was flood-gates again. I don't think I have ever cried so hard to her before in my life. And I know I scared her too.

To make a long story short, it hasn't been a fun week. There's really no other way to describe it than numb. And the worst part? I still feel exactly the same as I had felt the past few weeks. Tired and sick and more tired. I just want to feel normal again.

I'm at a point that I am SO sick of needles and driving into the doctors at 6am and waiting with my heart in my throat only to be hurt again. I'm ready for a break. I'm ready to just forget about it. But, of course we won't. It's worth this pain and heartache and time and all that for the end result. At least we know it will be.

I'm really not trying to complain. Especially because I know most people who read this are going through the same thing, so nothing I am saying is new. I'm just frustrated and hurting and trying to deal with it in some way. We'll get through it like we always do. :)