Hardest Post Ever

As everyone knows... Connor and Colby were born on Sunday, July 19th in the AM.  They were tiny little squirmers.  I was nervous beyond belief, but their first cries were magical.

Monday they did pretty well.  All Colby gave us was good news.  They would reduce this and wean him off that.  He was clear of such-and-such.  He was only 2lbs 3 oz, but he was holding his own.  

Connor was full of good news as well-- they picked up a murmur, but with meds it seemed to be going away.  He had blood pressure issues, but with meds he was getting better.  He wasn't tolerating the normal ventilator, but the newer ventilator was working pretty well.  He was lethargic in the AM which made them worry about bleeding on the brain, but he was squirming a lot more in the PM so this was a good sign.  So... his good news was following iffy news.  If that makes sense.  We went to bed late Monday night after seeing the boys and they looked good.

Our fabulous nurse Kristy (I think we'll leave a little piece of our hearts with her) woke us up at 4:30 telling us that we had to get upstairs because Connor had taken a turn.  She rushed us upstairs to find at least 6 or 7 nurses working on Connor.  The ventilator wasn't working for him anymore so he was being bagged, his oxygenation in his blood was dangerously low (and staying that way), and he seemed to have bleeding in his lungs.  After about an hour of trying everything possible (we saw him get 2 more blood transfusions and the nurse with the bag NEVER stopped.... she was amazing) we were told there was nothing else they could do.  

They took the little guy off his tubes and leads and we got to hold him and kiss him and tell him how much we love him.  We sat there holding that guy for the longest time and long, long after he passed... our family came and the nurses in the NICU were still, as always, amazing and fabulous.  Things didn't turn out as we wanted, but we owe them a lot.  I can't even tell you how grateful we are that we chose this hospital to have the little guys.

Though we did elect not to have an autopsy performed the suspicion is that the little guy had a lot of bleeding on the brain... he was sick.  Very, very sick and just not strong enough.  We are so proud of him for trying for us... but through the pain, we realize that this really is better for the little guy.   

It was a horrible, horrible day.  And that obviously doesn't even articulate it.  I've never been one to ever have trouble sleeping, but last night was awful.  Every time I closed my eyes I saw some flash- real or unreal- to the NICU.  

I'm holding it together pretty well.  The hardest was actually saying good bye to the little guy.  And handing him off to the nurses.  But as I've said before... he could not have been in better hands.  Our families were so supportive and, though we know it was really hard on them too, we appreciate absolutely everything they have done.  In appropriate or not, we've kind of handed off the arrangement reigns to them.  I cannot think about that right now.  We just need Connor to know that we love him, wanted him for so long, and did everything we could for him.  :) 

We're so focused on Colby now.  (Which has just been good news all around... no "uh ohs" yet, though we've been promised that those will come.)  He's probably the only reason we're still semi-functioning.

Please just keep us in your thoughts and prayers.