Wednesday, July 22

Hardest Post Ever

As everyone knows... Connor and Colby were born on Sunday, July 19th in the AM.  They were tiny little squirmers.  I was nervous beyond belief, but their first cries were magical.

Monday they did pretty well.  All Colby gave us was good news.  They would reduce this and wean him off that.  He was clear of such-and-such.  He was only 2lbs 3 oz, but he was holding his own.  

Connor was full of good news as well-- they picked up a murmur, but with meds it seemed to be going away.  He had blood pressure issues, but with meds he was getting better.  He wasn't tolerating the normal ventilator, but the newer ventilator was working pretty well.  He was lethargic in the AM which made them worry about bleeding on the brain, but he was squirming a lot more in the PM so this was a good sign.  So... his good news was following iffy news.  If that makes sense.  We went to bed late Monday night after seeing the boys and they looked good.

Our fabulous nurse Kristy (I think we'll leave a little piece of our hearts with her) woke us up at 4:30 telling us that we had to get upstairs because Connor had taken a turn.  She rushed us upstairs to find at least 6 or 7 nurses working on Connor.  The ventilator wasn't working for him anymore so he was being bagged, his oxygenation in his blood was dangerously low (and staying that way), and he seemed to have bleeding in his lungs.  After about an hour of trying everything possible (we saw him get 2 more blood transfusions and the nurse with the bag NEVER stopped.... she was amazing) we were told there was nothing else they could do.  

They took the little guy off his tubes and leads and we got to hold him and kiss him and tell him how much we love him.  We sat there holding that guy for the longest time and long, long after he passed... our family came and the nurses in the NICU were still, as always, amazing and fabulous.  Things didn't turn out as we wanted, but we owe them a lot.  I can't even tell you how grateful we are that we chose this hospital to have the little guys.

Though we did elect not to have an autopsy performed the suspicion is that the little guy had a lot of bleeding on the brain... he was sick.  Very, very sick and just not strong enough.  We are so proud of him for trying for us... but through the pain, we realize that this really is better for the little guy.   

It was a horrible, horrible day.  And that obviously doesn't even articulate it.  I've never been one to ever have trouble sleeping, but last night was awful.  Every time I closed my eyes I saw some flash- real or unreal- to the NICU.  

I'm holding it together pretty well.  The hardest was actually saying good bye to the little guy.  And handing him off to the nurses.  But as I've said before... he could not have been in better hands.  Our families were so supportive and, though we know it was really hard on them too, we appreciate absolutely everything they have done.  In appropriate or not, we've kind of handed off the arrangement reigns to them.  I cannot think about that right now.  We just need Connor to know that we love him, wanted him for so long, and did everything we could for him.  :) 

We're so focused on Colby now.  (Which has just been good news all around... no "uh ohs" yet, though we've been promised that those will come.)  He's probably the only reason we're still semi-functioning.

Please just keep us in your thoughts and prayers.  

63 comments:

sara said...

I am so sorry - words can't begin to express. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Sarah said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Hugs.

Theresa said...

I am so sorry. praying for you all.

Theresa said...

I am so sorry. praying for you all.

Jenn said...

Words can't express how filled with sorrow I am for baby Connor.

My thoughts and prayers are with all three of you...may little Colby grow into a strong and healthy young boy who knows how much he and his brother were wanted and loved.

Missy said...

There never seem to be the right words to say in a situation like this. You and your family are in the thoughts and prayers of mine.

Anonymous said...

I'm so, so sorry.

- Sarah

Photogrl said...

I'm so sorry.

Holding you and your family close in my thoughts and prayers.

Metro said...

Oh my. Sending strong healthy kick-butt vibes to Colby. Thank you for posting.

Kate said...

I am so deeply sorry about the loss of your little one. The loss of a child is devastatingly painful. I am sending you lots of light and love for both of your babies.

Infertility is Hard said...

Stacey and family,

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Words cannot even express how sad I am for you. I will pray for Colby to continue to grow and for you and your family to heal.

Carrie said...

I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear Connor. I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling at his loss.

I will keep thinking of your sweet family and praying for all of you... I know both your babies know how much you love and adore them.

Sending you MUCH peace.

Hugs,
Carrie

Alyssa said...

I am so sorry.

Anonymous said...

I know you dont know me.. but I ran into your blog sometime ago and kinda became interested in your life.. I had a baby at 27 weeks.. he was so small.. and I also had held him in my arms as he passed away in my arms... It was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced.. The pain does get easier to handle.. I will pray for you and your family.. Motherhood means you will worry and hurt for the rest of your life.. as well as so many wonderful things..

May said...

Oh, no. I was so hopeful for you guys. I am so sorry.

Jamie said...

I am so sorry to hear about Conner. I hope that Colby continues to well. Please keep us updated when you can. My heart and prayers are with all of you.

littlebitofsomething said...

i am just so sorry to hear this news. i'm about a week ahead of you with twins as well and your story has touched me so much. i'm sending all the support i can muster your way.

ashley said...

I am so unbelievably sorry for your loss. I'll be praying for the three of you.

kjames106 said...

Soooo sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers!

Michele said...

I'm so very sorry... I will keep you all in prayer. Connor is with our twins and little boy, safely in heaven watching over Colby.

My deepest sorrows...

Sunny said...

I'm here from Tubeless in Seattle.

I am so, so terribly sorry for your loss. I read your post as tears streamed down my face.

Connor, Colby, and you and your family will be in my prayers.

April said...

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. You, your husband, Colby and Connor are in my prayers.

BB said...

I am so sorry for your loss... my prayers are with you all!

Ashley said...

Stace, I wish I had the words to make you feel better...but there are none. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers! ((HUGS))

Susan said...

We are so sorry for your loss but we are praying very hard for Colby to pull though. When our daughter and your friend Stacy V. told me about Connor I could not stop crying for him and for you. We will continue to have you all in our thoughts and prayers.

Jen said...

Stacy V.'s sister in law here... I just had to comment to let you know you are in my thoughts as well. My heart aches for you guys and I am rooting so hard for tiny Colby to fight fight fight. Hang in there.

Barefoot said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and wishing you peace.

Rose's Daughter said...

I am so sorry for your loss, and will continue to pray for Colby.

Bree said...

Hi Stacey,
I just came over from Tubeless in Seattle to send my condolences for your loss of little Colby. I lost my daughter at birth in March and know the pain you are experiencing right now. I'm so sorry. Please know that when you're ready, there is great group of women here online willing to lend support to you.
Bree

Carrie said...

I can't even begin to write how very sorry I am for your loss. He was a strong little boy with even stronger parents. All three of you fought with everything you had. I am praying so very hard for your family and your angel.

Emily said...

I am so very sorry. Thoughts and prayers...

Anonymous said...

You also do not know me, but I follow Sunny in Seattle and somehow stumbled upon your post through another....I think it was fate somehow as I don't normally do this. I too was pregnant with twins and our daughter passed away in the womb at 28 weeks (no cause)and our son came at 30 weeks, 4 days. He is a thriving, healthy and happy 22 month old today and I just wanted to post something positive so that you may know that you are not alone and that although this is the most difficult thing to go through, there are others who do understand your pain. I pray for your family and wish you peace and strength in the coming months and years. Live strong Colby!
AJ

Cassandra said...

I am so terribly sorry to hear about Connor. Sending thoughts of strength to Colby...

deevaa said...

I am so sorry. I hope there is only good news to come for Colby.

Shinejil said...

Oh no. My deepest sympathies for both of you and your families. That is just so very, very hard. You've done so much for these little guys, and I know Connor could feel that love.

I'll be sending prayers and wishes for strength and growth to little Colby. Every day, he gets closer to being able to go home...

twondra said...

Here from Ashley's blog. I'm soooo very sorry for your loss. (((HUGS))) You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Kristy said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I'm praying that Colby continues to make great strides.

Jen said...

Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. May Colby continue to grow and Connor be safe with our Lord.

Hugs!!!

annacyclopedia said...

I am so very sorry for your loss of your son. I will be keeping all of you in my thoughts, and praying for peace, healing and strength for all of you.

JellyBelly said...

i'm here via shinejil's blog.

your family is in my thoughts and prayers. god bless little connor.

Malloryn said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that Colby continues to do well and grow strong.

Hope in Virginia said...

I can't even begin to comprehend your pain and words just can't express how sad my heart is for you. May God shine down on little Colby and help him to grow strong, strong, strong. And may God hold little Connor tightly in his arms. You are in my prayers.

littlebitofsomething said...

sending more thoughts of support your way today and every day. i also wanted to pass on a blog called 'glow in the woods' (http://www.glowinthewoods.com/about/) This blog helped a dear friend of mine through the unimaginable pain of losing her son just days before delivery. if anything i hope it helps you to know you are not alone.

birdsandsquirrels said...

Oh Stacey, I am so so sorry about Connor. I'm hoping and praying for Colby's continued strength and growth, and for peace and strength for you and your family to get through this terrible loss.

Stephanie Jean-Louis said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

Queenie. . . said...

I am so very sorry about Connor. Wishing Colby tons of strength and growth and good health in coming days and weeks, and sending peace and love to you and your family.

Cibele said...

I am so so sorry. I'll be praying for Colby

Just me said...

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your little Connor!!!

I am pulling for Colby and thinking of your family!

areyoukiddingme said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I believe that Connor is sending all his strength to Colby, and will help him fight through any challenges that come along.

JuliaS said...

I am so very sorry. Prayers for Colby that he will grow strong and well. All my best wishes for peace, comfort and strength to you.

afteriris said...

My heart breaks every time I hear about another babylost mama. It's just too cruel. I'm so sorry to hear about your beautiful Connor and I'll be thinking of sweet Colby over the next tricky weeks.

Much love,

Jess x x

N said...

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you.

Heidi said...

Much love and wishing you comfort. I will be thinking of you two and Colby and Connor also.

Deb said...

May you somehow find peace in the love that surrounds you. ((((hugs)))

Catherine W said...

I am so terribly, terribly sorry that you lost your sweet little son, Connor.

I am glad that you got to spend some time with your precious boy. I am so glad that you held him. I'm sure he knew how very loved and cherished he was.

You, your family and both your sons will be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that Colby continues to thrive.

I came over from LFCA. I have a surviving twin, one of twin girls, born prematurely. Her sister lived for 3 days but, like Connor, was simply too sick to survive. She also tried very, very hard. It broke my heart to read your story.

Love to you xx

Infertility is Hard said...

I've already commented on this post, but wanted to let you know that I continue to pray for you and your family. You are in my constant thoughts. I'm also praying that Colby is doing well and that he'll always know how lucky he is to be your son.

noswimmers said...

There are no words. I am so sorry for your incredible loss. Please know that there are many people thinking about you and your family.

xoxo

wifey said...

I'm so so sorry for the loss of little Connor. My thoughts will be with you all in the coming days.

Natalie said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. How terrible. :(

Lorza said...

I am so very sorry for you loss. {{HUGS}}
here from LFCA

Seraphim said...

Heartbroken for your loss. If Carly and I at "Whispered Support" can help in anyway please let us know. xxxxx

Aunt Becky said...

I'm sorry sounds so trite here. I mean, it's true, but it's not enough. I wish that there was a stronger way to say it, a more empathetic thing to say other than "I'm sorry."

But I am.

I'm so, so, so, sorry.

The Hale's said...

I am praying for you and your family! I am so sorry for your lose.