Saturday, July 25

Life isn't fair.

I know life isn't fair, but I wish it was.

It's not fair that I'm getting ready to go to my baby's funeral.
It's not fair that I only got to hold him when he was passing.
It's not fair that the only thing I've wiped from his face wasn't tears, but blood.
It's not fair that I'm in constant fear that something will happen to his baby brother.
It's not fair that I can't take care of my own babies.
It's not fair that I can't feed my baby.
It's not fair that I can't hold my baby.
It's not fair that my baby is hooked up to so many wires to survive.
It's not fair that he has to fight for his life.
It's not fair that I have a hole in my heart.
It's not fair that we're in so much pain and it only seems to be getting worse.

It's not fair.  


Ashley said...

Just leaving you some song lyrics that someone sent me while my son was in the NICU. And at the bottom there is a little something that may help.

Mark Schultz \ He's My Son

I'm down on my knees again tonight
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs Your help
I've done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired
I'm sure You can understand
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand
And she tries not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes

Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See, he's not just anyone
He's my son

Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep
I dream of the boy he'd like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You
Let him grow old
Live life without this fear
What would I be
Living without him here
He's so tired and he's scared
Let him know that You're there


Can You hear me?
Can You see him?
Please don't leave him
He's my son

How Preemie Moms Are Chosen~*~
(Erma Bombeck)

Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?
Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia. Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a preemie."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."

"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so
rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own. She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."

God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect She has just the right amount of selfishness."

The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says momma for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see-- ignorance, cruelty, prejudice-- and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

Tiffany said...

Stacey- I found your blog thru another blog, and came over and I know there is nothing that I can say to comfort you, but I want you to know that Im praying for you. You are so right Life Isnt Fair!
Praying for you in TN

Sarah said...

What a heartbreaking post. You're right, its not fair. Any of it.
I wish I could take the pain away from you guys. I hope you find some peace soon.
You are all in my thoughts.

Lots of love.

Kristy said...

Praying for your family...

Ashley said...

Stace, you are in my prayers. I wish I could take your pain away. ((HUGS))

Shinejil said...

You're right: It is terribly unfair. I'm sorry you're facing this, dear.

Aunt Becky said...

It's so unfair. I just cannot stand it. I'm so sorry.

Carrie said...

Like everyone else's not fair. No one should have to go through the pain you are feeling right now. Continuing to pray for your family.

Anonymous said...

Oh hon, it isn't fair. I'm so deeply, deeply sorry. Sending warms hugs from Perth. xxxx

ashley said...

My heart goes out to you. May God give you strength to get through the days ahead.

Mer said...

It really isn't fair, and I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Hoping that Colby continues to do well with his brother watching out for him.

Michele said...

it is terribly unfair.

sending you hugs and prayers during this time.

Poppy said...

I feel your pain. Reading your post brought back so many memories. You're so's not fair.

Big hugs to you...