Monday, July 27

Little fuzzy

As I sit here today I'm still feeling a little fuzzy.

I'm still at a stage where I cannot believe that it's already been over a week that I had the little guys. The whole day was such a blur... the contractions, rushing to L&D, the emergency section, the recovery... everything. It came and went so quickly and at the end of the day I had two tiny baby boys struggling for their lives. Of course I wanted to know why. Did I do something wrong? Did I do too much? Did I really have an infection that forced the guys to come out and made Connor sick? It was a surreal day, but at the end of it, I had two beautiful babies. I immediately missed their little kicks. As I was laying in the recovery room that was the first thing I thought of... how much I missed those little nudges. However, when I got up to the NICU to see them and I saw them doing their little leg and arm stretches it was even greater than the nudges (though I still desperately miss them).

Monday was a great day... I was finally able to get out of bed. I was still in a ton of pain, but it didn't stop me from getting down to see the babies several times. I was terrified to touch them.. I didn't want to hurt the little guys. It hurt to be watching them and to not be able to take care of them, but I knew they were in good hands. They were both showing improvements in their own ways. They were both looking so good.

We went to bed on Monday with reassuring news... things were looking up and they were getting ready for the "next steps" for the both of them. We couldn't wait. Then there was that fateful 4am wake up call to get to the NICU because Connor wasn't doing well. The speed that Kristy wheeled my wheelchair told us that something was seriously, seriously wrong. And we all know the rest.

But like I said, it's still so surreal. I can't believe that I'm a mommy to two boys. I can't believe that they're so tiny. I can't believe that Connor passed away. I can't believe that we had to say goodbye to Connor already. I can't believe that I am in constant fear that something will happen to Colby. I just can't believe that anything in the past week happened. And that terrifies me. I've had so many breakdowns already, but I still don't think I understand the enormity of everything that has happened. I'm afraid that it's going to crash into me one of these days. Litt

11 comments:

Infertility is Hard said...

Thinking and praying for you Stacey.

Carrie said...

I cannot think of how your mind must be spinning. You are doing such a wonderful job of taking one day at a time, taking care of Colby. Take care of yourself, too.

Sending you much love.

Verna said...

Stacey, I know you are overwelmed at the moment. Do take time for yourself to get your strength back.

You are doing a wonderful job, and we will continue to pray for you and pray that Colby will continue to grow stronger each day.

Our thoughts are with you as you have had to say goodby to Connor.

God Bless you in this portion of your jouney thru life.

ashley said...

It has to be more than hard what you're are going through. I can't imagine. Stay strong for your baby as much as you can.

t said...

i've been thinking so much of you guys. sending my support through the ether. i know the road ahead is going to be a difficult one. while you do have colby with you, who will continue to grow strong and get big and give you much joy, you still have to mourn the life of connor. i just can't imagine how much joy and pain you are both feeling right now... and how much fear. it's so easy to say from afar and much more difficult to actually do, but take this all one day at a time. and know that you have a wealth of support to lean on. we might not ever truly understand the thoughts and emotions in your head and heart but i hope you understand you are not alone.

Michele said...

i can understand surreal... some days i still dont know which way is up.

sending hugs...

Ashley said...

Thinking of you Stace!!((HUGS))

Sarah said...

I cant even begin to fathom all the things you must be feeling. You all have been in my thoughts.

Hugs!

Casey said...

Stacey I found your blog through Heather Spohr's site. You have been through a week that I can only begin to imagine... How do I tell you how sorry I am, and at the same time congratulations on your beautiful boys, and have that make any sense? I will keep you and little Colby in my prayers.

Carrie said...

What a roller coaster you have been on...one that no one should ever experience. Thinking of you and Mr. Colby.

birdsandsquirrels said...

Stacey, you have been through so much in a short period of time. You are going through something that no one should have to go through. I can only imagine how awful this has been. You are doing a great job of coping and being there for Colby. My thoughts are with you guys.