One Week

What a difference a week can make.

One week ago I had the best week of my life. No joke. And I've had a pretty great life. But from Tuesday the 21st to Tuesday the 28th I had the best week EVER. I don't think I have ever smiled as much (and I smile a lot)... I walked around with the pregnancy test just looking at it (don't worry, Johnny made fun of me)... I actually started reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting"... things were looking up.

When we first got married I was 22 and Johnny was 23. From the beginning we said we were going to have a baby before either of us was 25. Unfortunately we were faced with this infertility junk and Johnny turned 25 in December of last year. I turn 25 at the very end of June 2009. So this pregnancy was just perfect. I actually had the possibility of having the baby before I was 25. (Calculating online I was due on July 5th... so a few days early wouldn't have been ridiculous). It was just such a peaceful feeling. Things were finally working out.

Then there was Tuesday and that stupid phone call which started what has easily become the worst week. Every morning I go to the doctors I have to fill out a pink card with my name, phone number, and whether or not it's OK to leave a message. Beta #1 days I always say no, it's not okay. All other days I say it is okay to leave a message. I've found that good or encouraging results (follicles looking good, time to move on, etc) result in a call around 12:30 and a very peppy nurse. Not so good calls (you need to come in again for more blood, the follicles aren't quite ready, I'm sorry...) end up with a call around 3:30 and a much sadder nurse. So when school was over on Tuesday and I still didn't have a call, I have to admit that I was nervous. So, I took that call and I was very strong if I do say so myself. I took it well. And I only had to hide a few tears from the custodian as she swept the classroom floors. But calling Johnny with the results was a whole other story. I had to go outside and I couldn't even get past "Hi" without breaking down. I scared him... I know I scared myself. Once I finally managed to get the words out (which took awhile) I was able to calm down and finish what I had started at school. Then I went home and I was fine... I really was. Until my mom called and it was flood-gates again. I don't think I have ever cried so hard to her before in my life. And I know I scared her too.

To make a long story short, it hasn't been a fun week. There's really no other way to describe it than numb. And the worst part? I still feel exactly the same as I had felt the past few weeks. Tired and sick and more tired. I just want to feel normal again.

I'm at a point that I am SO sick of needles and driving into the doctors at 6am and waiting with my heart in my throat only to be hurt again. I'm ready for a break. I'm ready to just forget about it. But, of course we won't. It's worth this pain and heartache and time and all that for the end result. At least we know it will be.

I'm really not trying to complain. Especially because I know most people who read this are going through the same thing, so nothing I am saying is new. I'm just frustrated and hurting and trying to deal with it in some way. We'll get through it like we always do. :)

Over

If I hadn't known it was Halloween already, I would have definitely found out at the drs today. I got to reenact a murder scene. Or so it seemed. :) They used a butterfly needle on me and after she had it in and was pumping my blood away, she caught the tube with her finger or hand or something and the needle ripped out and blood went all over her hand and arm, my arm, my leg, the table. It was quite gross. But very appropriate for Halloween.

So, the results. All I really heard in the voicemail was "I'm sorry, the results aren't good. Your levels are going back down." I'm really not sure if she told me what my levels were or what she said after that. I just feel kind of numb right now. So there we have it. The positive of this is that with my levels going down it's not ectopic. The negative is that with 6 cycles, we've had 2 early miscarriages-- the chemical in the beginning and now this. That scares me a little bit.

And, though I have always said I love RSC to death... they're slowly starting to annoy me...

Here's a run down of why and you can tell me if I'm crazy or not...

IUI Cycle 1-- No instruction as to whether or not to take the progesterone I had been previously prescribed. So, that night I called RSC and was given the response "Don't take it. We never prescribe progesterone right after an IUI." To which I had replied that, with the 3 TI cycles I had been taking it. It was only then that the nurse I was talking to decided to check with my doctor to see what to do. And I had to take it.

IUI Cycle 3-- Told NOT to take the progesterone because my levels were "so good".
1st Beta-- Told to CONTINUE to take the progesterone. When I wasn't, the nurse was shocked: "You're NOT? Well you need to start tonight."
3rd Beta-- Levels weren't where they were supposed to be, so told it was a loss and to STOP the progesterone.
4th Beta-- Levels were going down, told that they could NOW classify this as a loss (though I had been told this 3 days ago) and to STOP taking the progesterone now (though I had already been told that 3 days ago).

I'm annoyed because I feel like they don't communicate with each other. So it's very annoying!

That's all for now!

:)

Happy Halloween! :)

Nothing in particular

Still feeling the same... really tired, not very hungry, and really dizzy/headachey in the afternoons. I go in tomorrow AM to have another blood test, so hopefully this time tomorrow we will know where we are going and what we're into.

On a random note, I just got a medical authorization from my insurance company. Place of service: Doctors office. Type of service: Surgery. Hmmm... so I called and the guy at the insurance company said it was from Dr. Anania and something IVF related. Um... I'm a little confused. So he dug more and it said "sperm washing"... why is that listed as surgery?

That's all for now!

In limbo

That's the feeling we're having right now. We're stuck waiting to see what will happen... what is going on. It's hard enough to wait for good results, but it's awful to wait to see just how bad things are looking. Am I just going to miscarry, or am I going to have to endure an ectopic? Or, as Johnny is so desperately hoping, did they just screw up the numbers yesterday... did they really mean 772?

So... we continue to wait a few more days. Not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things, huh?

Let Down

Just a quick update... today's blood was only 172. So, not looking good. I was told I'll probably miscarry in the next couple of days or that it might be ectopic. We're still trying to be cautiously optimistic, but it's hard.

The worst part is that I feel like I've let everyone down. Oh well, not much we can do but wait and see.

Optimistic

So I just talked to my mom... she was telling me that she already started making a baby blanket.

Have I mentioned how optimistic I have become? Anyways, she was telling what to do/not to do. (Apparently you're not supposed to drink or smoke when pregnant :P). All kidding aside, it was nice to talk to her. She was telling me not to have too much salt and this and that-- all stuff I knew already. But then she told me that when she was pregnant with my brothers and I (so 4 times) she never had any negative symptoms besides morning sickness. No bleeding, no swelling... nothing. So I'm just hoping that I'm as lucky. Is this something that runs in families? I can only hope so! :)

It'll be alright

I don't quite know how to explain it, but I still have this nagging thought that this was all too easy. And I know that sounds a little ridiculous seeing as we have been trying for almost 2 years while some people get accidentally pregnant. But it's like it's almost too good to be true. Having things progress smoothly would be too easy.

It's been hard to remind myself that there are plenty of pregnancies that do end happily and without major complications. I think through reading blogs I have seen too much of the sadness of loss and recurrent loss that I kind of began to think that was the norm. You had to experience the tragic loss before you experienced the good. But with thinking and just logic I know that's not the truth. Sometimes things do go wrong, but most of the time, they go right.

So I have been a bit nervous the past few days... sure that something would go wrong. That I would stop having any symptoms, that the HPT's would come back negative (because I have taken a few more over the past couple of days...), or that I would start bleeding. I had no reason to think this, but I did.

But none of that has happened. I'm still exhausted-- way more than usual. And I still just feel pregnant. So, though I continue to be nervous and anxious, I have finally reached a point where I really think that this might just work out. I know it's early, but I think I have finally realized that it can have a happy ending and things CAN go right. So here's to the positivity and having things go right. Never have I ever wanted anything more than for this to work out perfectly... so that in 8 months we have a healthy baby in our arms. Really, nothing else matters. I don't care where we live, what money we have, or anything... I just know that this is always what I have wanted and I'm finally on the way to getting it. And that feels great. :)

So tonight, I go to bed more confident than ever that things will go right for the next 8 months. And in the end we'll have the baby we dreamed of. Hopefully tomorrow I can go to bed even more confident. And that my confidence will only grow over the next several days, weeks, and months.

5 more down

Last night we told my parents and my 3 brothers. It was good. :) They were very excited, one of my older brothers rubbed my stomach as predicted, and my mom immediately took apart a blanket she was knitting to make a baby blanket.

We all have high expectations for this little baby... so keep on growing!! Stay sticky and grow! :)

Ladies and Gentlemen-- we have doubling!

I was at 72.6 on Wednesday. Today I was at 151. Woohoo for doubling. I wish it were a bit higher though... so I had some cushion, but I'm content. :) I'll go back Tuesday to see where we stand. Then I get to schedule my ultrasound from there. :)

We're telling my parents and brothers tonight. We got my mom and dad bibs that say "I love my grandma" and "I love my grandpa". :)

Ta Da!

So, I'm sure everyone is holding on with baited breath, right? Well, here are the results from the past 24 hours.



We're pregnant! The light blue tests and the EPT have definitely faded. They were a bit more pronounced yesterday and this AM.

That's 5 HPT tests taken in a 24 hour window. I took the EPT last night at like 4, just because I said I would. I really wasn't expecting much. I was trying to be hopeful but I didn't think I was feeling different enough to constitute getting my hopes up. So, I took the test and walked in immediately went into a loss-of-speech stage. I was so shocked-- I was jumping up and down and I remember my hands were shaking so badly. The + was a little faint so we decided to go out and get more to test. We got some generic Rite Aid ones and some First Response ones. I took 2 more when we got home and sure enough both were positive. The next AM (this AM) I took 2 more-- and I was a little nervous at first because I thought the lines were lighter this time than last night. Then I took the digital this afternoon-- that's the fun one. :)

But I went for my blood test this AM and my results are... HCG is 72.6 at 14 dpo (is that good? or low?) and my progesterone is 41. I'm freaking out a little bit about the HCG. I go back on Friday for a follow up to see if it's doubling.

We told Johnny's parents this evening. THey just got back from Hawaii and it was his mom's birthday while they were away, so we got a birthday box and put a HPT in it and a sleeper that says "I <3 my grandma". Needless to say, they were very excited. Now I just hope things continue to progress. We've all got big hopes for this baby!

Back when I first started reading these blogs and I read about IFers getting pregnant, it always struck me as odd that as soon as they got the positive they were worrying about the next HCG or the next ultrasound. I couldn't understand why they just couldn't live in the now. But now I totally understand. I'm living my life terrified that things won't go right on Friday or that something will happen. I'm just so nervous... I really want to enjoy these days and weeks, but I can help but hope time would pass faster so that I can reach the next milestone and be closer to the end result.

Here's to Friday!

Wishing time away

I read somewhere recently about wishing away time. I think it was a blog of an IFer who recently had a baby, but I can't be sure and I can't remember. Basically, it said that when you're going through treatments you wish away days and weeks. But when you get to the other side, you start wishing for those days and weeks back.

It got me to thinking about how much time I have really wished away. How many times have we been confronted with a 2 week wait only to think "I wish these weeks would be over!"? I know I have probably said that about 15 times each cycle during the wait. 6 cycles x 2 weeks a cycle = 12 weeks or approximately 3 months. Three months wished away in a short period of time. There was also the 8 months TTC and knowing it wouldn't work without help ( and wishing we could just get some help-- 11 months), the month waiting for an appointment (and wishing it could be sooner-- 12 months), the 2 months between the first appointment and the follow up ( and wishing I could just move on-- 14 months), and the first month we were told to wait because they wanted to test us for CF (and wishing they had told us sooner-- 15 months). Add on to that the month we took off because of the chemical (and wishing it didn't have to put us on hold-- 16 months) And the month off due to our insurance change (and wishing we could have just started the cycle before the change-- 17 months) So, in the past 22 months, I calculate that I've been wishing away approximately 17 of those months.

Unfortunately awesome things usually come up during those waiting (wishing away) times. Like various school vacations, summer vacation, and our summer trip. And when I'm waiting and wishing time away, I usually don't enjoy the good things quite as much. (How can you when you're spending the whole time wishing the day was over so the next one could be over too?) So, I guess, I'm wondering how much I am really missing out on right now.

But I guess the silver lining is that I know I haven't lost the ability to wish and hope. Maybe I just need to transfer my wishing and my hope to a more positive outlook than just wishing away time and hoping things could move faster...

And here's to waiting for Wednesday...

Crossing my fingers!

In my head I keep coming up with these fabulous posts. However, when I sit down to write, it's so much harder.

I'm just 36 hours away from my blood test (but who's counting?) I'm very anxious and on edge. I really don't want to move on to injectables. I'm not looking forward to it, so if I can avoid it, I'd like to. We'll see, though. Today I felt "off", but half of my class has been sick, so I'm not really sure what to attribute it to.

On a random note, it occurred to me that it might not have been the best idea to give this address to my friends/cousins/mother in law. Not that I mind them reading or not wanting them to read, but they'll know when we get a + before I maybe would have intended. I mean, when I test tomorrow, I'll probably immediately post the result. When I have the blood test on Wednesday I'll post the result. So, even if we wanted to wait a few weeks/months before spilling the beans, it would be impossible. Unless I took a break from writing. But then they'd probably assume the result was + because I always post the negatives. :) So, I guess a few people will know much sooner than others! :)

And here's for hoping this will be my biggest dilemma this cycle!

It's official

I am officially losing 5 students. I was upset at first, but now I'm just thinking of all the things I'll be able to do with 10 kids-- 10 easy kids. So, really, I think it will end up being a good thing. I'm looking forward to it. My only complaint is that they won't be leaving for at least another week-ish. So my plans for moving around the room and mixing things up are on hold for a week.

Other wise, things are going fine. I'm feeling my usual lead-up to Day 1 symptoms. I am just hoping that they don't mean what they usually mean. But I guess we'll find out on Tuesday/Wednesday. If things don't work out (I am still being optimistic, I swear) then we'll start our next cycle. And the whole process begins again...

Ahh... I just want to get off this ride!!! :-P

+ 1

So, turns out 4 wasn't enough. Now I have 5 children who have written letters (or rather, their parents have) to transfer. The 5th was my toughest child, so I guess I'm not too upset about that one. :)

My principal just came in (my kids are at art, so this is legal, I swear) and wanted to remind me that the students leaving isn't a reflection of my teaching. She also said she called the assistant superintendant to see if it's okay for her to call the parents of the students who wrote letters and to tell them that the switch might not be all the crack it up to be. I realize that her call might not make the difference, but it was nice to hear that vote of confidence. So, it would be nice if the 3 who I like stay and the 2 I don't like still tranfer. :) I'm the eternal optimist...

4 Down

I've been a little flip about the AYP thing. It's only my second year-- none of my kids have reached the point of testing, so I guess I naively thought it wouldn't filter down to me. But it has. As part of the requirement for not meeting AYP, NCLB says, since we're a Title 1 school, we must offer school choice to our students. So, parents are allowed to ask to have their child moved to a better performing school in the district. And in our school of 150 students, 7 have decided to take advantage of this. In my class? 4!!!

I am losing 4 of my 15 kids. I'm so upset-- at first I didn't mind when I thought I was only losing 1. She bothered me anyways. :) But 4?? The other three are so good-- I never have to talk to them, they always complete their work, and they're the sweeeeetest kids. So I'm bummed about this. I feel like a failure-- although I realize it doesn't really reflect on my teaching-- but it's still a little insulting for me.

I go above and beyond what is required for K-- we do writer's workshop, guided reading, literacy centers... the list goes on. I work really hard with these kids-- all but 2 students were reading fluently and writing 3-4 sentence stories last year. The 2 who weren't were special needs, so they were a little behind, but even they got the routine and the idea of it. So I guess, I feel like I work hard, but parents don't see that. Instead they're running scared... :( Bummer. I guess I'm kind of hoping that they get to their new school and find out that, really, the classroom they were in was pretty good. But then again, I guess it's more about the big picture-- no matter how well my class was doing, there is still the chance that 1-5 were underperforming. It's just a tough call.

On the positive... only 8 days til the official test. 7 til I test on my own!!!

Over a week

I'm trying to be patient, but, really, it's only been 6 days. I still have well over a week left and I'm dying to know if this cycle worked. How do I keep my mind off of this? As always, the wait sucks. :)

Tomorrow Johnny's parents leave for Hawaii. They get back on the day that we find out. That's kind of my time measure. Vacation always seems short, so what's a week long vacation? (Though it would undoubtedly feel shorter if I were actually the one in Hawaii and not the one hanging out in boring ole MA) I can wait a week... but it seems so far away.

The total is 1

So the party went well. Babies were only mentioned one time-- by Johnny's grandmother. She went on about how a grandchild would be great. Johnny's mom stepped in and said "They're not ready, so stop asking," to which his grandmother countered with "Well, okay, but I would like to see a grandchild before I die." Haha... it didn't bother me... I had expected it. I think it bothered Johnny's mom more than it bothered us.

Nothing in particular

It's been a great week. We had a fire station field trip Tuesday and today we walked the pond and a firefighter-dad came in to talk to the class. :) I still have kids who I want to kill*, but weeks like this make it worth it.

I'm very very optimistic about this cycle. I guess in my head I keep thinking "175.5 million and 2 follicles... it has to work!" and I guess I know that's not always the case, but things were just so GOOD about this cycle and I'm just feeling good. The 22nd cannot come fast enough!!!!

Tomorrow evening we have a party for my mother in law... should be interesting! Family parties are always an adventure. And I should make a bet with Johnny as to how many times babies will be mentioned. How many times Johnny's grandmother will say "Having a great-grand child would be the best gift I could get" or his aunt will ask "When are you two going to make some babies?"** And so with that... I'm off to waste away my Friday night!

* Disclaimer: I would never actually kill any child. I love them all too much!

** I seriously do love his family!

Something I've been thinking about...

I've always been one of those people who wondered why bad things happened to good people. You know we have all thought it or seen it... the really good people get the bad situations, while the "bad" people don't (seem to) have these problems. And I know it's something that people always struggle with... the "why?"

Well, the other day I was at dinner with 3 friends-- we were talking about one friend's nephew who was recently diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma (he's 6). And it was one of those conversations-- wondering why it had to happen to this little boy, this happy family. And one of my friends, with so much certainty, said "You're only given what you can handle. That's why it seems like only the good people get the bad stuff. They're the ones who can deal." And you can debate why this may be so, and you can argue that it's unfair. But something about the way she said it just completely stuck with me. I mean, I've heard people say it before-- you only are given what you can handle, but I had never heard it with so much certainty. And I know in the back of my mind I was thinking about more than just this little boy-- and I'm sure my friend going through infertility was thinking the same thing. We were given this because we can handle it and we will overcome it. So, something about that conversation still makes me smile and has given me such a positive outlook the past few days. I hope it continues. :)

IUI 3 Complete!

So we did the IUI today at 10:30 (more like 11 by the time we were called in...) and I'm back at school. It's lunch, so it's not completely illegal that I'm typing this. :) We ended up with 2 mature follicles-- one on the left and one on the right. I could definitely feel the one on the right popping out. Good sign. :) And, Johnny's numbers were the best they have been!! Everything was up from last time-- concentration, motility, etc. In the end, last time we had 16.6 million sperm. This time, 175.5 million. I almost fell off the table when she told me that. So, I'm feeling pretty optimistic! Oct. 22nd is the test so we shall see! I cannot wait-- and it's good knowing what we're moving on to if this doesn't work. No waiting around. :)

Today my nurse was training a new girl. I felt kind of bad-- she was SO nervous. I could feel her hands shaking around. I felt like some exhibit though, the way they were both staring at me so carefully. Johnny almost had a heart attack though-- he was a little protective of the sample and he thought for sure that the new girl would make a mistake and say "Ooops-- it slipped." so he was getting ready to tell her to stop and to let the experienced girl do it, but in the end the new girl couldn't navigate correctly, so the experienced one took over. And it was done. :) Yay.

Happy Wednesday!

Progress!!!

IUI scheduled for Wednesday at 10:30am. Woohoo... I'm looking forward to it. My lining ended up being 9.2 today. :) Then my left follicle was 15mm and my right was... are you ready?... 24mm. That's an increase of over 3mm in one day! Uh... crazy. So I'm very excited.

I'm feeling good. I had a good day at work... I really love my job! I worked really late and then went to meet my aide and my friend who used to teach at my school. It was SO good to see her. She's one of the most positive, optimistic people I know. It just makes me feel good to see her. And she's so supportive of what we're going through. She knows too much of it. I can't wait til she gets pregnant-- she will be an amazing mother.

And with that, I'm off to put away clothes, do dishes, and trigger!

I've still got it!

Apparently I have still got it. (The lucky streak, that is!) I'm going back in tomorrow AM for blood and ultrasound. THe nurse said they'd probably trigger me tomorrow-- probably. The follicle is mature but my hormone levels aren't ready and my lining obviously isn't ready. So we shall see. But this is good because it means the IUI will most likely be on Wednesday-- doesn't interfere with my field trip OR Johnny's day at work covering the other stores. Woohoo!

Quick update

We had our check up today. My right side had one follicle at 20.5mm. Woohoo. My left side had one at 14mm. So it was trying, but not quite good enough. Again my lining is low... only 6.2mm. I guess we'll see in a bit if they decide to trigger me tonight or tomorrow night. Tonight would mean an IUI on Tuesday... meaning that I would be screwed for the field trip... meaning that my string of good luck with have officially come to an end. :) We shall see though.

I had the same nurse who poked me 3 times last week before giving up. This time he got it on the second try, though. A little better, right?

That's all for now! I'll update when I get my official directions for this week!

Deep breath

I bit the bullet and finally called my mom to see if (1) she wanted to know about what was going on and wasn't asking because she didn't want to intrude or (2) she didn't want to know. So-yay- I found out the answer is number 1. I gave her a rundown of the past 2 years. A rundown of the treatments. A rundown of the meds. All that good stuff. So it's nice to have the lines open. I'll see her this weekend for my brother's birthday, so we'll see if she mentions it.

Johnny's taking me away for the weekend. :) Not far... but to a neat/modern hotel in Lexington. It's kind of a busy weekend for it, but it will be fun to be away. We're heading there after school tomorrow and then coming back home on Sunday. In between, Sat I have a class at the aquarium from 9-11 and then we have to head down to see my family. Then Sunday AM we have a dr. appointment at 7am. (I was stupid when I scheduled it... at the time I didn't know that the 5th was a Sunday.) I'm a little nervous about how the timing will work out. We have the check up Sunday, so if things look A-okay we will have the IUI on Tuesday. My class is going to the fire station for fire safety week in the AM. So if the IUI is Tuesday it will make this difficult. And if it's not Tuesday but instead pushed til Thursday Johnny will have a hard time because he is covering one of the stores in his company because of some sort of trip or something pulling all the guys out.

So, as always, we'll wait and see! :)