Tuesday, April 4

Let's Talk Baby

So the silver lining in life right now is that I'm pregnant.  (Winded, heartburned, back-aching blissfully pregnant)

This baby, like Hunter, was non-IVF and a happy surprise.  We wanted to be pregnant.  I never went on any birth control after H, but my expectations weren't exactly high.  I daydreamed about another miracle like H, but statistics weren't in my favor.  Blood work still showed it was unlikely, we tried for over 3 years, etc.  But then again, I'm learning that statistics aren't usually in my favor, so...

We talked on and off for those 3.5 years between H and the good news about IVF, but I was reluctant.  I wanted to do it, but I couldn't wrap my head around the logistics of the drive in the mornings for blood work and monitoring before school.  When we were trying for the boys and girls with IVF either we were kid-free or we had a nanny at the house bright and early so I could sneak out for my appointments and then run to work.  Timing would be trickier and I wasn't eager to enter the world of needles again.  Still, we talked about it and were planning on trying IVF again this spring hoping to be pregnant by the summer.

Trying, but not expecting, but hoping led to lots of single-line pregnancy test and silent disappointment.  It's hard to share your sadness of not being pregnant when you already had 4 healthy, happy, thriving kids.  So it was always on my radar, but not front-and-center.

In early December we had parent conferences so my kids all had a few half days of school, but I'd stay late for conferences.  My parents would take them those afternoons and I'd run to pick them up.  The last morning of conferences I couldn't get my favorite jeans to button correctly and the sweater looked atrocious.  I was feeling a little sick- non-specific tired-icky- so my mind drifted to the idea of being pregnant, but I figured the odds were slim.  But... I had to pick up the kids and there was a Target on the way, so I made a quick stop at Target and grabbed a 3-pack of tests before getting the gang and heading back home.

With all of the other kids Johnny has always known right away when I was pregnant.  With IVF he knew the test dates so I couldn't keep that a secret and with H he picked up the tests for me.  I had always planned on a big elaborate "share" for him if and when I ever got pregnant.  I hadn't figured out the "share" but I knew I wanted it to be big and surprising.

Fast forward to me taking the test in secret that night.  The second line came up fast and I was in shock and shaking so badly.  I don't think the lines fully finished setting before I called Johnny in and told him.  So much for the surprise!  After he confirmed the test one of his first questions was "What about the surprise?!"  Whoops.

I didn't know the dating so I did blood work and then for early ultrasounds.  Since we didn't know the exact age, my doctor didn't know exactly when to schedule me for the ultrasound.  We went for our first one and the sac was empty.  It could be too early or it could be a blighted ovum.  It was a long week to wait.  I had convinced myself that I wasn't pregnant anymore and that we'd go back the following week for another empty sac, but on the second ultrasound we had a healthy beating heart and I was given a due date of August 3rd.  Talk about relief!

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