Nothing Much

Another uneventful weekend. My hubby went to NH with his cousin for a NASCAR race. I have no interest, so I went down to visit my family.

On Friday night we went to the circus. Yes, the circus. When my mom saw that the circus was coming to town, she got SO excited, so we couldn't say no. So instead all of us (the youngest being 22) trekked to the circus. It was actually really good. There were tigers and elephants and people balancing upside down on poles. Their antics made me nervous a few times!

Before we went in we were standing in line. I was there talking to my brother and I heard someone calling my name. Then I looked and saw the mother of two boys I used to babysit for (like 6 years ago). I went to give her and the dad a hug. They looked the same. They were two of the coolest parents I had ever met. The mom was very young and the dad was a little bit older (there was a 10 or 12 year difference between them), but they were both great. I loved going over there to babysit. Unfortunately I lost touch with them when I went away to college.

After a minute or two of small talk she pointed out the boys. I almost had a heart attack. I started watching the oldest when he was 10 months old. I haven't seen him since he was about 2 1/2. He's 8 now. The other boy was born in 2002 and I started watching him when he was 1 month... and the last time I saw him he was 7 or 8 months. He's 6 now. They also have a little girl now who will be 5 in August. Honestly, that was the first time I have ever really felt "old". I know I'm not in the grand scheme of things, but it was definitely a shock to see them. They are the kind of people I would LOVE to get back into contact with... maybe I'll work on that. :)

Saturday was my birthday... I went with my mom to buy dresses for the 3 weddings I have to go to this summer. I had been putting off buying dresses in the hopes that I wouldn't be able to fit into my normal size come July and August. (There's that darn optimism!) Now with the first weddings just 3 weeks off I have come to the realization that that won't happen. So, instead, I resigned myself to buying dresses. My mom paid, though, so that was good. :)

Other than that I just kind of hung around all weekend. It was a nice relaxing, peaceful weekend. My dad bought a spur-of-the-moment motorcycle. So that took up a bit of time... it was kind of fun to ride it around the yard, but wayyyy to scary for me to EVER ride on the road. :) Despite the restfulness, I couldn't wait to get home to see the hubby. I miss him too much when we're apart. :)

Oh, and my mom informed me that her best friend's daughter is pregnant again. She had her first baby at 17 or 18. The little boy is 8 or 9 now. The father isn't in the picture. Now she's pregnant by another guy and not getting married. Bleh. And my mom (who I know loves me to death and has the best intentions in mind and doesn't mean anything by it... or at least I hope doesn't) made a comment to my brother that I'm not ready to have kids yet because I have to finish my master's first. And with that I decided not to tell her. :) So there. At least for now.

Tomorrow is more tutoring and getting stuff done. Back to reality, right? Since July 1st is Tuesday I have to finish squaring away all of the insurance stuff tomorrow and Tuesday. I am just hoping and praying and crossing all available fingers that everything goes off without a hitch and the IUI is easily approved and the referral goes through and things are back on track come mid-July.

Sorry for the rambling. :)

Hmm

Since September I've been struggling with the question of whether or not I should share this little "adventure" with my family (calling it an adventure makes it seem more exciting and less sad/frustrating...). Like I've said before, part of me wants to so that I have that support system, but part of me doesn't want to because I want the future pregnancy (there WILL be one...) to be a surprise to the grandparents-to-be. I also don't want to feel like I'm telling my family for pity or attention. Obviously they can't really DO anything, so that's not a logical reason for telling. (As Johnny says, what good is it going to do to tell them?) And really, although I consider myself very close to my mom and dad, I've never been very good at talking to them about very personal things. ALSO, I guess there is part of me that thinks they will think we're too young/not established enough to start a family (we don't have a house and I still need to start and finish grad. school). And I don't want to feel like I have to defend our decision.

Reading that I realized that I put a lot more CONS for telling them than I did PROS. Maybe I'm just trying to talk myself out of it. I just need some advice...

Why have you told if you have? And why haven't you told if you haven't?

Busy

In the spirit of keeping myself busy I tutored a 6 year old soon-to-be 1st grader today. She is adorable and she was so much fun to work with. I'll work with her again tomorrow afternoon. It will be a 2 day a week (2 hour total) adventure. It's fun and it keeps me a little bit busy.

I also kept busy by babysitting a little tonight for the little boy met last week. He is so adorable too. He's 21 months old and so sweet. I also have never known an almost-2 year old who listens quite as well. (And I've done a lot of babysitting!) He's very funny and I can't wait to babysit for him next! :) Altogether the money from the two isn't the greatest, but it's good for doing something I love to do. (Although, straight after tutoring I went to the store to by things to bring with me tomorrow-- like special pencils and finger grips and flashcards... all stuff I forgot to grab out of my classroom at the end of the year!)

I like keeping busy. I find that, when I'm not busy... when I'm sitting around doing nothing I get SO tired. Like ridiculous amounts.

On an unrelated note. Because this is a month off I kind of felt like I could be rebellious. I had some *gasp* alcohol last weekend (can't remember the last time I had any!) and I also had a ton of caffeine! I used to drink caffeine all the time, but when we started this whole infertility process I gave it up. Very rarely do I have caffeine anymore. This past weekend I had caffeine at least 2 or 3 times every day. Today I was feeling the affects of the caffeine withdrawal though! Maybe that's why I'm so tired. It make my head pound, too. Maybe I'll stick to my non-caffeinated life even though I have this month off. :)

My birthday is Saturday! I already got my gift from my hubby and we went away to celebrate last weekend, too, but I'm still looking forward to it. I'm such a kid about my birthday-- always have been. I wonder at what age that obsessiveness will end. :)

And here I end my pointless ramblings!

Moving On

We picked up the meds today. We're ready for cycle 4... IUI. I'm very excited. A bit nervous, but excited just the same. I just need to get through the next month or so of waiting.

No work, remember?

I found this here and thought I'd give it a try. :) Enjoy

Here’s a list of things and you have to bold the ones that you have done. So here goes:

Bought everyone in the bar a drink
Swam with wild dolphin
Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
Been inside the Great Pyramid
Held a tarantula
Taken a candle lit bath
Said I love you and meant it
Hugged a Tree
Bungee jumped
Visited Paris
Watched a lightening storm at sea
Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
Seen the Northern Lights
Gone to a huge sports game
Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
Grown and eaten your own vegetables
Touched an iceberg
Slept under the stars
Changed a baby’s diaper
Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
Watched a meteor shower
Gotten drunk on champagne
Given more than you can afford to charity
Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
Had a food fight
Bet on a winning horse
Asked out a stranger
Had a snowball fight
Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
Held a lamb
Seen a total eclipse
Ridden a roller coaster
Hit a home run
Danced like a fool, not caring who watched
Adopted an accent for an entire day
Actually felt happy about your life, even for a moment
Had two hard drives for your computer
Visited all 50 states
Taken care of someone who was too drunk
Had amazing Friends
Danced with a Stranger in a foreign country
Watched wild whales
Stolen a sign
Hitchhiked in Europe
Taken a road-trip
Gone rock climbing
Midnight walk on the beach
Gone sky diving
Visited Ireland
Been heartbroken longer than you were in love
In a restaurant sat at a stranger’s table and ate with them
Visited Japan
Milked a cow
Alphabetized your CDs
Pretended to be a superhero
Sung karaoke
Lounged around in bed all day
Posed nude in front of strangers
Gone scuba diving
Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud
Played in the rain
Gone to a drive-in theater
Visited the Great Wall of China
Started a business
Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
Toured ancient sites
Taken a martial arts class
Played a computer game for more than 6 hours straight
Gotten married
Been in a movie
Crashed a party
Gotten divorced
Gone without food for 5 days
Made cookies from scratch
Won first prize in a costume contest
Ridden a gondola in Venice
Gotten a tattoo
Rafted the Snake River
Been on television news program as an “expert”
Got flowers for no reason
Performed on a stage
Been to Las Vegas
Recorded Music
Eaten shark
Had a one-night stand
Gone to Thailand
Bought a house
Been in a combat zone
Buried one/both of your parents
Been on a cruise ship
Spoken more than one language fluently
Performed in Rocky Horror
Raised children
Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
Picked up and moved to another city
Walked on the Golden Gate Bridge
Sang loudly in the car and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
Had plastic surgery
Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have
Wrote articles for a large publication
Lost over 100 lbs
Held someone while they were having a flashback
Piloted an airplane
Petted a stingray
Broken someone’s heart
Helped an animal give birth
Won money on a TV game show
Broken a bone
Gone on an African safari
Had a body part below the neck pierced
Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol
Eaten mushrooms gathered in the wild
Ridden a horse
Had major surgery
Had a snake as a pet
Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
Slept for more than 30 hours over 48 consecutive hours
Visited more foreign countries than US States
Visited all 7 continents
Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
Eaten Kangaroo meat
Eaten sushi
Had your picture in the paper
Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
Gone back to school
Parasailed
Petted a cockroach
Eaten fried green tomatoes
Read the Iliad
Selected one important author who you missed school to read
Killed and prepared an animal for eating (fish)
Skipped all of your school reunions
Communicated with someone without sharing a common language
Been elected to public office
Written your own computer language
Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
Had to put someone you love in hospice care
Build your own PC from parts
Sold your own artwork to someone that didn’t know it was yours
Had a booth in a street fair
Dyed your hair
Been a DJ
Shaved your head
Caused a car accident
Saved someone’s life

Wow, I haven't done much...

Back to reality... kind of

Just got back from a fabulous weekend away with the hubby. We went away to the hotel where we spent the night after our wedding (before we left for our Honeymoon). It was great... we got to relax with no worries and nothing to think about. We spent Friday night alone. Then Saturday we went to a bunch of Yard Sales (I'm trying to find cheap books for school as well as a kid-sized couch for the reading area) and in the evening we went our to dinner with my brother and his girlfriend who was visiting from NY. Today we relaxed in the AM and then went to my cousin's engagement shower (not quite an engagement party and not quite a bridal shower). And now we're back to reality.

I say kind of because I'm off for the summer. I met someone to do occasional babysitting for and on Tuesday I'm meeting a family I will probably be tutoring for... but other than that I'm plan free. I think I'll go searching for something tomorrow. I just need something very part time, very flexible... there are a few stores pretty close to here so I'm hoping I can find something there.

Other than that... nothing has changed. I was asked about babies by my brother and my grandfather this weekend. We were also asked when we went out with one of my friends last Monday. I'm getting better at the question. I still can't look people in the eyes when I answer, but I doubt that will ever change. :P

On a totally unrelated note, while we were driving today we passed by a very gruesome accident. It had just happened as we were driving by-- still no cops or EMTs, but there were lots of people rushing to help. A person on a motorcycle crashed at what looked like full-speed into the side of a car. I just can't seem to get the image out of my head. We were all on our way to the shower, so we were in 3 cars (my parents, my bro and his girlfriend, and us) so we all saw it. When we saw it, we kind of assumed that it was the motorcyclist's fault-- it was right at the end of an off ramp so we assumed he failed to stop and ran into the car. I looked into it more at home and found a small news article. Turns out the accident reconstruction says that the car was driven by an almost-80 year old man who was turning off of the off ramp onto the main road and the motorcyclist was driving straight along the main road-- seems like it was the car's fault after all. The other surprise was that it turns out the person driving the motorcycle was someone I went to high school with. He's only 24. Makes me realize that, although things don't always go the way I want and that things aren't as easy as I'd like... I'm still pretty lucky. I'm still here and so are the people I care about. So here's for hoping that he makes an excellent recovery. Because, like I said, I can't get that image our of my head...

And the update is...

The hubby finally called the HR person to find out the deal. The deal is that they have to cancel either May 1 or July 1. Therefore, IUI this round is out of the question. It's a month off. I could have just done another month of TI, but I was advised not to. My doctor doesn't have much faith that it will work as it hasn't thus far and she thinks I should take the break.

I'll be back at it early July. Hopefully. Doing my math, I think that with my vacay Aug 9-16 I should be just during the waiting period of my next cycle. But then again, I will probably have to take provera again which will mean that I will be pushed back another week or two. Heck, I don't know. I just know that I have to call RSC as soon as I have my new insurance. Switching seemed like a good idea back in the day. The coverage is better and since I work for the state, the cost is less than half of Johnny's. However, now I have to go through the work of getting new referrals and waiting this month. I'm not so sure I like the idea of switching anymore!

And that's my story!

And it's a no

Like I mentioned, I took at HPT on Wednesday I think it was. It was negative, but I still was optimistic that maybe it was too early. I took another one on Saturday because we were going to a Father's Day get-together and I wanted the option to have a drink if I chose. That one was a no as well. I still remained optimistic until this AM when I was bleeding. Uggh. So I went in for the beta anyways. They called and told me what I already knew- negative. So I have to admit, it hurt less this time. But I don't think it's because it's easier. I think it's because I knew already. It still had a little bit of a sting to it, though.

I don't know where I am going next. We haven't figured out the whole insurance thing. My hubby was supposed to talk to the HR person at work weeks ago about their cancellation policy-- as in, can we still pay and use it for an extra month after my coverage starts. He has yet to do this. I'm a little frustrated at him to be honest. He better call today because I need to call RSC to hash out my next step. At this point, maybe it's unfair, but I feel like this Clomid and TI just isn't cutting it. I want to move on to the IUI. I want to feel like I'm doing SOMETHING. But it all depends on the insurance. The specialty pharmacy already called me to fill my new perscription, but I don't know what that is yet.

As excited as I am at the prospect of the IUI and moving forward it hit me yesterday. I'm past the chance of making a baby at home. It's all up to the medical profession now. It's a little sad...

Mad

I don't get upset much. Or at least not really, shaking upset at people I don't know. But I have to say I am right now. I've been following Coming to Terms's Blog for awhile now. She was recently features in a NYT article about infertility. The article itself- I really liked that. Now going back to read people's comments about the article is what has me SO mad...

Some of the comments are so freakin' insensitive and degrading. I can't even believe that people have the audacity to say some of the things they say. If you want to see some of the comments, go here. Especially look at number 8. We're supposed to not want to have children and to be punished because she's not happy with the children so has? (And actually wishes she could go back to a time she didn't have kids???) Some of the comments aren't quite so upsetting and some are downright nice, but as always it's the negative ones that stick in your mind...

LIfe

Lately I've been posting a little less about getting pregnant (partially because I've been playing the waiting game for the past 2 weeks) and more about other things. I guess I've started to realize that there is a bit more to my life right now. That I have other things to hang on to. That's kind of a good feeling.

Keeping with that good feeling... today was Get Ready Day at school-- all of next year's K students came in for a half day. And boy are they CUTE. There is one crazy girl who reminded me of a mixture of my 3 worst kids this year. So I bargained with my teaching partner not to have her. 3 parents actually REQUESTED that they have me next year. I have to admit, that made me feel pretty good. :) Just 4 more days with my darlings. I will miss them terribly, but I am ready for the next beginning so that I can correct all of those mistakes I made this year. I'm convinced that if I start off the year more with routines and expectations then I won't be pulling my hair out next June. We'll see though. (Hey, with a little luck I won't be there in June, right? :))

My birthday is coming up (yay!! I was told today that I'm still young enough to be excited about birthdays). Johnny booked 2 nights at a the same hotel we spent out wedding night. :) I'm VERY excited to say the least. School will be out and we will be able to just relax. I really can't wait. And I'm still crossing my fingers and optimistic that we will be there celebrating some fabulous news. :) (Maybe... ?) If not, being with him and relaxing will be enough to keep me content. Like I mentioned, I'm doing really well. :)

Sitting, waiting, wishing...

Not much new to update. I'm nursing a very painful sunburn from field day yesterday. Woops on that one. My kids were crazy at field day yesterday. It was one of those days I wanted to pull my hair out! We usually stick to a pretty strict schedule during the day, so when we're not on that schedule... watch out! :) Today was another crazy day. They were having such a hard time listening to directions. Oh well, 4 more days with the little dears. :) Heehee... I still have to find out what I'm doing for the summer!

Yesterday was 13 days (or 12?) post the trigger. I had started to feel "weird" again, so I was starting to get a little optimistic (does that ever wear off?). In the AM I felt SO weird... I had a splitting headache, I felt sick, and I was very dizzy. Like I hadn't ever felt before. It went away eventually. As soon as I got home I told Johnny and he immediately started saying "That's it. You're pregnant." I wasn't willing to be so sure. I was trying to explain that it's easier for me to think it's going to be negative rather than get my hopes up. He kind of got annoyed at my pessimism. Oh well...

He made me take a HPT last night. After the anxious wait (I wouldn't let him look at it and I wouldn't look at it either) it was negative. One stinkin' line. Oh well. I'm going to test again on Sunday (the day before my Beta). Maybe yesterday was too soon. (See, that optimism is there... I just try not to show it too much lest people see me upset!)

We're switching to my insurance on July 1st. Kind of throws a monkey-wrench into our next cycle plans. We can't run the present insurance for an IUI when we'll be switching. So we were told we'd have to wait til my new insurance begins to get the approval. But then we were thinking... what is stopping us from just keeping Johnny's insurance for an extra month- like until August-- so that the IUI can be billed to his insurance and we don't have to wait or worry about the change in coverage? Does anyone know? Can you have two insurances running simultaneously? I'm thinking yes because they'll be more than happy to take our money (we'd we paying for 2 insurances at one time), but I don't want to risk anything. I also don't want to wait a month... which would probably turn into September because of the things that we have going on this summer. We'll be out of town a bit.

Ahh welll... the eternal wait. Wish me luck on Monday! :)Wa

Why I love what I do...

Some days the children at school make me want to pull out my hair. They can be crazy and no matter how many times I tell them the directions, some times they don't seem to sink in. We've been following the same routine since September, but some days they can't be bothered to think of the routine. But you know what? I love them to death and love what I do...

I guess the parents realize this because one of the parents wrote an amazing letter to the principal about me. The principal just shared it with me and it really makes me want to cry. A warm fuzzy feeling, really. :) Ahhh I'm content. :) (And I really haven't felt that way in awhile!)

Tell me if this is normal...

My beta is on June 16th. Naturally I wasn't expecting to hear from the good ole docs until after the beta. However, they called me today. I should remind you that I love my RE and all of the nurses that work there. They are the nicest people in the entire world and it's clear that they genuinely want this to work...

Anyways, they called me to update my file. To file the paperwork for next cycle. Yes... I'm 13 days away from the cycle 3 beta and they're planning cycle number 4. A little weird, but maybe it isn't. I'm still new at this. And I appreciate it because it means that they're thinking of me and my "case" even when I'm not there. So, the decision has been passed down from my RE to add IUI to my cycle next time (if there is a next time). (Though, my RE told me back in the day that she didn't think IUI would be helpful with my "case", but I guess times have changed...) So I agreed and that's where we are with that. I also called to schedule an appointment with my RE after this cycle to discuss where we are and where we are going (if that is necessary). So, as always, it feels good to be making progress and head ways. I didn't really do anything, but I kind of feel like I have. :)

I've learned that my contentment with this whole thing varies greatly day to day and week to week. Right now I'm feeling pretty good and confident that we're doing the absolute right thing.

Oh, and my birthday is 12 days after my beta.. so I'm optimistic for the best birthday gift ever.

Sex & the City

I LOVED IT. :)