Tuesday, January 29
To tell or not to tell
I haven't really talked to anyone going through fertility issues, so I don't know how other people deal with them. I have talked to another teacher at my school a tiny bit- she's going through the same thing, but she's s bit further ahead of it that me. (She's as far as one failed round of IVF) But I haven't really talked to her. And so I'm left with my question: To Tell or not to Tell.
Some days I have such a strong desire to keep everything quiet. From the beginning that was our resolution- keep is quiet so that we don't become the pitied ones. I don't want every first question when we visit people to be, "So, how's the baby making coming along?" We already get plenty of well-meaning awkward questions from Johnny's family- I don't need any more probing questions. They're open enough to ask me ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, so I wouldn't want the chance of questions coming up. Also, I want it to be a surprise to everyone. Right now we're keeping the, "We'll see when we'll have a baby." vibe. We're trying not to let people in.
BUT... there's the other part of me. The part of me that wants to let people in. Because sometimes I feel like this is our own personal shame. I try not to let it bother me, but isn't it kind of "shameful" (I hate that word...) if you have to hide it from people? But really, I feel like it's so exciting. Everything that is going on is really kind of neat. Science is neat and everything that is happening is neat. I want to be able to share that with people who really care and who are really interested. So I really want to share this with someone... not everyone, but someone who really cares. I kind of want to tell my mom... but I haven't.
Also... I want to share this with someone because, no matter how much I love Johnny and how well-meaning he is... he just can't seem to grasp by this whole thing bothers me so much. Why I get upset every time we have a set back. Why I get emotional when they call and say we'll have to wait another month. Why I get a little sad when I see a baby or jealous when I hear that another friend is pregnant (usually unintentionally... happily, but unintentionally). He can't seem to get it... so some times I feel like I need someone else there to lean on. But I go back and forth between the two extremes so much that instead I don't share it with anyone... and I don't know if I want to or not...
So, I wonder, do the majority of people share their journey with those close to them? Or do they keep it to themselves?