Tuesday, November 10

Jealousy again

So, my precious baby boy is home.  Finally home.  :)  Sleeping pretty well, too.  I'm not completely exhausted.

So... you would think that, after finally having my baby home, I could get over my issues and stop being jealous.  Wouldn't you?


As perfect as Colby is (he's pretty perfect!) I'm still jealous of everyone.  It's quite pathetic.

I watch tv shows where people say that the only think that matters is if the baby is healthy.  Yeah, I wouldn't know because my babies weren't healthy.

I watch tv shows where people anxiously await the birth of their babies and the day of their birth is exciting and perfect.  Yeah, I wouldn't know that either because I spent the morning of my boys' birth crying when I was told that labor couldn't be stopped.

I watch tv shows where people joyfully tell their families that the baby was born!  Yeah... that I wouldn't know either because both my mom and Johnny's mom sobbed on the phone when they heard that we were having the babies.

I watch tv shows where people wish their pregnancy could be over.  Yeah, that I wouldn't know because I was still in a phase where I LOVED being pregnant.

I guess the moral of the story is that I shouldn't watch tv.

And today an acquaintance from college gave birth to her baby girl.  The baby was due 1 month after the twins.  She was born almost 4 months later.  And I'm still very jealous.  Her baby is healthy.  Her baby is happy.  People on facebook (because that's how I know all this) are thrilled for her and her beautiful baby.  People didn't know what to say when the twins were born...

Bleh.  I just wish that the happy, healthy pregnancy I had worked so hard for hadn't been taken away.  And even though it had to be taken away, I wish Connor hadn't been taken away.


Jen said...

Please don't beat yourself up for being jealous- you have had such a difficult year. No one will ever understand unless they have walked in your shoes, and very few have.

I have had personal challenges with infertility and have been blessed with 5+ kids through adoption. I often feel jealous for all of the reasons you mentioned and feel I shouldn't. I have begun to tell myself that I shouldn't feel guilty over my feelings, they are in fact how I feel. Please keep sharing your feelings as I think it helps to verbalize them.

I hope that helps!!!

Michele said...

i feel jealous too and hate watching those stupid programs. hate it. and yet I cant not watch too...