Wednesday, November 4
Eve of discharge?
On the eve of what could be the day we bring Colby home (knocking on wood!) I have a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat.
On the one hand, this is what we have been waiting for since we decided to start a family. We will be bringing home a beautiful, healthy baby. Every month of trying, every injection, pill, ultrasound, and blood test, every minute on bed rest, every night in the NICU has been leading here.
And we are SO excited.
On the other hand, I can't quite explain it, but I am dreading it in away. Not the actual having-Colby-home, but what it means. I see the NICU and BIDMC as my link to Connor. When I walked into the hospital back on June 26th I was told that the day I left I would have two babies. So, I entered the hospital-- a little terrified-- but ready to wait it out for my babies. I was scared by the thought that the could come early, but honestly? I didn't think they would. Or at least not too dangerously early. In June, October seemed eons away, but it was manageable. And I was pretty confident.
But we all know the story and here I am on the eve of discharge (again, knocking on wood) not quite sure if I am ready to say goodbye to that last tangible connection. I still walk by room 974, the boys' "first room" and think back to their birth--- being wheeled in in my stretcher, trying to reach over the plastic of the warmers to stroke their hands and feet. I think back to that first night I was able to stand and look over them and smile at the thought of having my two beautiful sons. I think back to that fateful morning, saying goodbye and holding my son for the first time. I think back to Colby being extubated, then intubated, and extubated again (always on his terms). His first "roommate" after Connor passed. Moving to his new room. On the CPAP, off, on, off, on, off... And the cannula and PICC and eye exams and blood tests and the billi lights and... the list goes on and on.
As much as I hated the NICU and the hospital at times, it's where the memories are. It's where all my memories of the boys are post-birth. It really has become a second home, a comfortable place, a piece of our lives.
So... leaving will be hard. Leaving with only one baby will be harder. Facing each day is a new challenge because more and more I find I am thinking about how I am facing it with one instead of two. And sometimes the scariest part is that it feels normal. It feels like there has only ever been Colby. And I don't want to feel that way. As much as it hurts to miss Connor, I don't want to forget him.