Wednesday, November 25
I went to a wake last night. The first one since Connor passed away.
The wake was for an ex-co-worker's mom. This co-worker didn't come to Connor's service. I did contemplate not going. I contemplated ignoring that it happened, just as I felt like she ignored Connor. However, after some deliberation I decided to take the high-road and to show my respects, so to the funeral home I went. (With my mother, who in a weird small-world phenomenon, worked with this co-worker's mother in a nursing home 60+ miles from where I teach.)
Walking into the home, everything came rushing back. The morning of Connor's funeral I was so anxious. I wasn't ready to face saying goodbye to my baby. I wasn't ready to see his face for the last time and I wasn't ready to face everyone. But I took comfort in knowing that we had so many people who supported us.
I still thought everyone would come. I really didn't think anything would keep my friends and family and co-workers from coming. I honestly expected everyone who said that they would "do anything" really would do anything. Turns out they wouldn't.
Aside from a very few handful of people, most people weren't willing to make the 60+ mile trek from my home town. Most people weren't willing to hop a plane from a few states away to show they cared. They weren't willing to hop a bus or a train. They weren't willing to give up an afternoon, a day, or a weekend. They were content to say they cared, but not show it.
After the funeral I posted an entry here saying how hurt I was that people didn't show up. Immediately a handful of people wrote to me beginning their message with "I know you weren't referring to us, but...". At the time I ignored the messages. Because, you know what? I was referring to them. I was referring to any friends or family who didn't show up. Especially family and especially friends who live in the same state. Telling me that you care and saying you'd do anything isn't equal to actually showing it. Anyone can say they'd be there in a minute, but it's the ones who actually are that matter.
And today marks 4 months to the day of Connor's funeral. 4 months since I saw his cute little face. 4 months since I kissed his cheek. 4 months since we said goodbye.
But I know he's watching over us- especially Colby. He's still here in so many ways, even if he isn't physically here. And for that I am grateful.