Tuesday, November 17

Failure?

Breast feeding drop out.

And now I admit that I am a failure.

To begin with, my milk supply was lacking because of my less-than-stellar pumping the first week or so after the boys' birth.  I already explained those reasons, so I'm not going to go into it more.

But then I was an awesome pumper. (10-12x a day and totally sustained Colby for the first 11 weeks)

Until school started and I had to go back.  Once school started I was able to squeeze in pumps at recess (10:15-10:30), lunch (12:00-12:20), and then after school (3:00-3:20).  I also had the regular ones at 5pm, 7pm, 9pm, 11pm, 2am, and 5am.  So, while I was still fitting in 9 pumps a day, I was having issues with the school pumps because of stress (someone walking in on me?) and lack of time (15 minutes at recess was NOT enough to get set up, pump, and clean up).   All this led to a drop off in my production even more.

Then there was the fact that, once Colby became an on-demand feeder at the hospital I missed some of his feeds, or he would want to eat too close to my pumping, etc.  So, he didn't get much practice.  He couldn't latch on, but he was an expert at the bottle.

And then he came home and I wasn't producing enough to sustain him.  I was still pumping, but all feeds were through bottles.  And I was having a really hard time finding time to pump in between caring for him and everything else.

So... today I admit that I am a failure.  I'm producing maybe 3-4 ounces a day.  It's sad and stressful to me, but I think I'm done.  For my sanity.  It does hurt that this was the ONE thing that I was able to do for awhile, but I've learned that, in the grand scheme of things, this is a small thing.  As long as he is healthy (and thank God he is!) then it will all be okay if I don't pump and breast feed.

But next child... I'm all there.  :)

6 comments:

Jen said...

Sweetie,

I am amazed you were able to do it for as long as you did!!! Your schedule was amazing and would have worn any human out!!! You did it for the most important time in his life. Please give yourself a break and rest. There are MUCH worse things than not being breast fed!!! Colby will do just fine on formula!!!

Hugs!!!

Carrie said...

NOT A FAILURE! I am so amazed and impressed at your dedication during these last insanely difficult months and your son got so much good breast milk from you.

Please, please be proud of yourself... I am proud of you. :)

Jen said...

I only lasted 10 days!
And I prefer "Titty Quitter" over "Failure."

Don't be hard on yourself. You did an awesome job!

PJ said...

HAHA!!!! I love Jen's response!

My husband seems to be a big fan of breastfeeding, but I have never really found it remotely appealing. So, it'll be interesting to see how that all pans out.

I will say that I can't even imagine having to pump at school! I'm lucky if I get a chance to pee when I need to.

Hugs

Michele said...

you are NOT a failure. pumping is HARD work. and the added stress doesnt help. our twins were completely breastfed in the NICU until Bobby came home and now they are 1/2 and 1/2. I pump as much as I can and then mix it with ready-made formula to make a full feed. it is pretty rough to feel like I cant do it alone but we have to do what is best for our babies- and us. And that is what you are doing. You are NOT a failure. Not one little bit.

Anonymous said...

sorry we're a little behind - but it's pretty damn amazing you were able to feed him as long as you did! With everything you all went through, it's mind-blowing that you could keep up that long!!

Happy Thanksgiving
-Martina, Danny, and Bill