What routine?

That routine I was talking about yesterday?

I totally should have bitten my tongue!

This is his schedule I was talking about:

10pm-2am: sleep

2am: diaper, bottle, back in bed

3am-5:30am: sleep

5:30am: bottle, back to bed

6am-8am: sleep

8am: diaper, bottle

8:30am-12pm: awakkeeeee

12pm: diaper, bottle

12:30pm-4:30pm: nap time!

4:30pm: diaper, bottle

5pm-9pm: awakkkkeeee

9pm: bath time

9:30pm: diaper, bottle, rock to sleep

10pm: begin again

After I spoke of that "r" word?

10pm-4am: sleeeep

4am: diaper, bottle

4:30am-7:30am: sleeep

7:30am: no, I don't want a bottle, I just want to cuddle

7:30am-9:45am: sleeeep with Mommy

9:45am: diaper, bottle

10:15am-10:00pm: awakkkke with 42 zillion bottles and 2 20 minute naps.

I kid you not.  He just went down after almost 12 hours of widddde awake.  Wide awake with "I need to be held!!!!!" tendencies.  (With a little tummy time and LOTS of pictures thrown in there.)

I will not speak of routine again.  But the sleep last night? Amazing.  And there is NOTHING better than just cuddling with my buggy!

Over 3 Weeks Home!

It's about time that I give a good update about my little man!  :)  

Colby has been home for just over 3 weeks (can you believe it?) meaning that I have used 14 of my 30 paid days off.  (Then  I have my 12 FMLA weeks)  

At his last doctors appointment- a week before Thanksgiving- he was weighing in at 10lbs 7.5oz.  It's crazy for me to think that he is so big already!  It really must be all in his head because he's still fitting quite nicely into his newborn clothes and the 0-3 month pants literally fall off of him because the elastic is too loose.  He can fit into 0-3 month tops, but they leave lots of room.

His umbi hernia is still there.  It's funny to see it poking out of he clothes.  It seems to have reduced in size a little.  When he's crying it can poke out pretty far, though.  :)

He has his first Pulmonology Appt. on Friday of this week.  We're cautiously hoping to be weaned off the Lasix.  He still only gets .7ml of Lasix on Mon, Wed, and Fri, but it would be nice to be off of that completely.  He's still on 1ml of vitamin and .6ml of iron every day.

He has a hip ultrasound coming up the following week and also his 4 month appointment where he will get all his vaccinations including round 2 of synargis.  (He will get that every month until April.)

He's so strong.  He tries climbing up your chest if you hold him flat against him.  If you put him against the edge of the couch he will push off and wiggle down the length of it.  He can hold his head up unassisted so well.  He loves his Bumbo and will look around for hours.  (Well, until he falls asleep or gets hungry.)  He's smiling up a storm and even laughs.  I put him down to bed the other night (because we have a routine that works!!!!) and I had to pick him back up because he started smiling at me and I couldn't leave him.  He only cries when he is hungry.  EVER.  He wiggles when he has to burp-- but he really is an AMAZING burper.  

He's just wonderful and amazing and I love him to bits.

His first Thanksgiving was great.  :)  He slept through most of it, though.  We didn't tell anyone, but we brought Connor with us on Thanksgiving so that the whole family was together.  It was important to me and I couldn't see leaving him alone at home while we were off being thankful for the amazing gifts we received this year.   He might not be with us anymore, but we are still SO thankful that we are his and Colby's parents.  

All in all the little guy is doing wonderfully and we are SO happy!

Coming Clean

I went to a wake last night.  The first one since Connor passed away.  

The wake was for an ex-co-worker's mom.  This co-worker didn't come to Connor's service.  I did contemplate not going.  I contemplated ignoring that it happened, just as I felt like she ignored Connor.  However, after some deliberation I decided to take the high-road and to show my respects, so to the funeral home I went.  (With my mother, who in a weird small-world phenomenon, worked with this co-worker's mother in a nursing home 60+ miles from where I teach.)

Walking into the home, everything came rushing back.  The morning of Connor's funeral I was so anxious.  I wasn't ready to face saying goodbye to my baby.  I wasn't ready to see his face for the last time and I wasn't ready to face everyone.  But I took comfort in knowing that we had so many people who supported us.

I still thought everyone would come.  I really didn't think anything would keep my friends and family and co-workers from coming.  I honestly expected everyone who said that they would "do anything" really would do anything.  Turns out they wouldn't.  

Aside from a very few handful of people, most people weren't willing to make the 60+ mile trek from my home town.  Most people weren't willing to hop a plane from a few states away to show they cared.  They weren't willing to hop a bus or a train.  They weren't willing to give up an afternoon, a day, or a weekend.  They were content to say they cared, but not show it.  

After the funeral I posted an entry here saying how hurt I was that people didn't show up.  Immediately a handful of people wrote to me beginning their message with "I know you weren't referring to us, but...".  At the time I ignored the messages.  Because, you know what?  I was referring to them.  I was referring to any friends or family who didn't show up.  Especially family and especially friends who live in the same state.  Telling me that you care and saying you'd do anything isn't equal to actually showing it.  Anyone can say they'd be there in a minute, but it's the ones who actually are that matter.

And today marks 4 months to the day of Connor's funeral.  4 months since I saw his cute little face.  4 months since I kissed his cheek.  4 months since we said goodbye.  

But I know he's watching over us- especially Colby.  He's still here in so many ways, even if he isn't physically here.  And for that I am grateful.

I miss it!

You ready for this?

I miss bed rest. 

There I said it.

When I began bed rest I was understandably terrified. It was totally unexpected and it meant that my babies were in danger.

But as time progressed I began to almost enjoy it.  Sure, I would have moments where I hated it because I couldn't go baby shopping, or have my shower, or, well, do anything besides lay down and aimlessly surf the internet.

But it gave me so much time to just enjoy my babies.  For hours and hours (and hours) a day I could just lay in bed with my hand on my stomach waiting for the next baby kick.  I got to hear their little hearts thumping away every day for over an hour.  I got to see their little bodies on the ultrasound once a week.  I got to really know the babies before they were born.  Connor was the calm one.  He was wedged in one place and he was pretty consistent when we tried to find his heartbeat.  He only flipped position occasionally.  Colby was always on the move.  He kicked up a storm and swam away the moment a doppler or monitor touched my belly.  He was flipping position constantly, daily I swear.

So, while bed rest hadn't been on my list of expectations (I honestly thought I'd be a mother of twins who would make it full term), I grew to enjoy it.  For 28 days it was just me and my babies with each other.  I knew they were safe and they were all mine.  And I miss that.  

4 Months

Thursday marked 4 months since the boys' birth.  Colby is a thriving 4 month old.  He's huge, beautiful, and you couldn't tell that he was such a micro-preemie by looking at him.  :)  (He was 10lbs 7.5oz on his 4 month birthday!  That's up 8lbs 5.5oz since birth.  More than 2 lbs a month!!!)

Today, therefore, the 21st, marks 4 months since we lost our baby Connor.  4 months.  Think of what you could do in 4 months.  That's more than a whole season.  It's more than summer vacation.  You could lose a whole lot of weight in 4 months.  

It's so much time, but sometimes it feels like nothing at all.

It hurts to think that he's being forgotten, that we're so far away from seeing his little face.  But what hurts the most is that the way things are now seems normal.  It's normal that we have one baby to snuggle at home.  It's normal that there is one crib in the nursery.  It's normal that people think we only have one baby.

So today and every day we remember his short little life, his beautiful searching eyes, his kicks, and the possibility that lay within him.  

And I'm still waiting for it to get easier.

A few weeks ago I was looking at our family website and I noticed that there were so many pictures on it that I had never seen, so here are some pictures of Connor on July 20th, the day after his birth.

SMILE!

Colby smiling and laughing! (click the link!)

Possibility

Every day I look at my beautiful little guy and I am completely amazed.  

He is such a far cry from the wrinkly little baby he was just a few months ago.  Today we had Early Intervention come in to do an evaluation on Colby.  He is chronologically 3 months (4 tomorrow!) and corrected he should have been 1 month yesterday.  I fully expected the EI evaluation to yield a few delays making him eligible for services.  In fact, however, his evaluation yielded no issues whatsoever.  He is measuring above his gestational age and even at his chronological age in some areas.  The word they kept throwing around was "perfect".  And he is.  Perfect.

Some days I look at him sleeping- or not- and I am just amazed by him.  The strength he has, the progress he has made, the love I have for him.

Then other times I look at him and I am amazed by the possibilities.  He could do anything.  he could be anything.  He really is just a ball of promise and possibility and hope.  If Johnny and I continue to do our job, this little man really can be anything and can do anything.

The possibility is astounding and even overwhelming.  

Failure?

Breast feeding drop out.

And now I admit that I am a failure.

To begin with, my milk supply was lacking because of my less-than-stellar pumping the first week or so after the boys' birth.  I already explained those reasons, so I'm not going to go into it more.

But then I was an awesome pumper. (10-12x a day and totally sustained Colby for the first 11 weeks)

Until school started and I had to go back.  Once school started I was able to squeeze in pumps at recess (10:15-10:30), lunch (12:00-12:20), and then after school (3:00-3:20).  I also had the regular ones at 5pm, 7pm, 9pm, 11pm, 2am, and 5am.  So, while I was still fitting in 9 pumps a day, I was having issues with the school pumps because of stress (someone walking in on me?) and lack of time (15 minutes at recess was NOT enough to get set up, pump, and clean up).   All this led to a drop off in my production even more.

Then there was the fact that, once Colby became an on-demand feeder at the hospital I missed some of his feeds, or he would want to eat too close to my pumping, etc.  So, he didn't get much practice.  He couldn't latch on, but he was an expert at the bottle.

And then he came home and I wasn't producing enough to sustain him.  I was still pumping, but all feeds were through bottles.  And I was having a really hard time finding time to pump in between caring for him and everything else.

So... today I admit that I am a failure.  I'm producing maybe 3-4 ounces a day.  It's sad and stressful to me, but I think I'm done.  For my sanity.  It does hurt that this was the ONE thing that I was able to do for awhile, but I've learned that, in the grand scheme of things, this is a small thing.  As long as he is healthy (and thank God he is!) then it will all be okay if I don't pump and breast feed.

But next child... I'm all there.  :)

Few Days Home...

Some days life can be so perfect.  

Right now I have my little man snuggled up against me as I type.  He's such a little cuddle-bug.  (When he's not being nosey!)  He loves to sleep on my chest or on Daddy's chest.  He molds perfectly to my shoulder and just buries in.  So perfect and peaceful.

He's doing so well being home.  He's been home since Thursday afternoon- one week already.  I can't believe it.  The NICU is already a distant, bittersweet memory.  Back then we weren't sure where this journey would take us.

But now he's home... he's a good sleeper, likes to eat most days, and when he's awake, he's AWAKE.  Usually he has a good 4-5 hour awake period during the day.  The rest of the day he wakes to eat, then is up for maybe an hour.  But that wake period is always hilarious and the highlight of my day. 

Except for Tuesday night.  I was running on empty.  With Johnny back at work I'm number 1 every night.  I get up each time he cries then of course I'm on during the day as well.  So... I was tired and it was 9:30pm.  I knew we were in trouble because Colby had slept most of the day away and it was night and he was still sleeping.  I decided to put the both of us to bed early in the hopes that he would just wake to feed throughout the night and I could get some rest.

Well, just as I'm walking up the stairs to bed, Colby wakes up with those "I'M AWAKKKKKE" eyes.  I fed him and then rocked him.  And this boy is STRONG.  His favorite game when he's awake is to LAUNCH himself off your lap right into your face.  So, I'm rocking, desperately trying to soothe him to sleep and he's jumping into my nose.  FOR. 4. HOURS.  He jumped.  And jumped.  And jumped.  Then finally wore himself out.

So, I thought, YES he'll be asleep until at least 5am!  (It was 1am at the time).  Wouldn't you know he was up at 3am, 5am, 6:30am, and 8am?  So, yeah, his wide awake time was poorly placed a few nights ago.  I still loved it because he is SO FREAKING ADORABLE, but I was tired.  :)

Here's a few pictures from those precious first few days home.

Jealousy again

So, my precious baby boy is home.  Finally home.  :)  Sleeping pretty well, too.  I'm not completely exhausted.

So... you would think that, after finally having my baby home, I could get over my issues and stop being jealous.  Wouldn't you?

Nope.

As perfect as Colby is (he's pretty perfect!) I'm still jealous of everyone.  It's quite pathetic.

I watch tv shows where people say that the only think that matters is if the baby is healthy.  Yeah, I wouldn't know because my babies weren't healthy.

I watch tv shows where people anxiously await the birth of their babies and the day of their birth is exciting and perfect.  Yeah, I wouldn't know that either because I spent the morning of my boys' birth crying when I was told that labor couldn't be stopped.

I watch tv shows where people joyfully tell their families that the baby was born!  Yeah... that I wouldn't know either because both my mom and Johnny's mom sobbed on the phone when they heard that we were having the babies.

I watch tv shows where people wish their pregnancy could be over.  Yeah, that I wouldn't know because I was still in a phase where I LOVED being pregnant.

I guess the moral of the story is that I shouldn't watch tv.

And today an acquaintance from college gave birth to her baby girl.  The baby was due 1 month after the twins.  She was born almost 4 months later.  And I'm still very jealous.  Her baby is healthy.  Her baby is happy.  People on facebook (because that's how I know all this) are thrilled for her and her beautiful baby.  People didn't know what to say when the twins were born...

Bleh.  I just wish that the happy, healthy pregnancy I had worked so hard for hadn't been taken away.  And even though it had to be taken away, I wish Connor hadn't been taken away.

TA DA

109 days later and my baby is finally home!  :)

Eve of discharge?

On the eve of what could be the day we bring Colby home (knocking on wood!) I have a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat.

On the one hand, this is what we have been waiting for since we decided to start a family.  We will be bringing home a beautiful, healthy baby.  Every month of trying, every injection, pill, ultrasound, and blood test, every minute on bed rest, every night in the NICU has been leading here.  

And we are SO excited. 

On the other hand, I can't quite explain it, but I am dreading it in away.  Not the actual having-Colby-home, but what it means.  I see the NICU and BIDMC as my link to Connor.  When I walked into the hospital back on June 26th I was told that the day I left I would have two babies.  So, I entered the hospital-- a little terrified-- but ready to wait it out for my babies.  I was scared by the thought that the could come early, but honestly?  I didn't think they would.  Or at least not too dangerously early.  In June, October seemed eons away, but it was manageable.  And I was pretty confident.  

But we all know the story and here I am on the eve of discharge (again, knocking on wood) not quite sure if I am ready to say goodbye to that last tangible connection.  I still walk by room 974, the boys' "first room" and think back to their birth--- being wheeled in in my stretcher, trying to reach over the plastic of the warmers to stroke their hands and feet.  I think back to that first night I was able to stand and look over them and smile at the thought of having my two beautiful sons.  I think back to that fateful morning, saying goodbye and holding my son for the first time.  I think back to Colby being extubated, then intubated, and extubated again (always on his terms).  His first "roommate" after Connor passed.  Moving to his new room.  On the CPAP, off, on, off, on, off... And the cannula and PICC and eye exams and blood tests and the billi lights and... the list goes on and on.  

As much as I hated the NICU and the hospital at times, it's where the memories are.  It's where all my memories of the boys are post-birth.  It really has become a second home, a comfortable place, a piece of our lives.  

So... leaving will be hard.  Leaving with only one baby will be harder.  Facing each day is a new challenge because more and more I find I am thinking about how I am facing it with one instead of two.  And sometimes the scariest part is that it feels normal.  It feels like there has only ever been Colby.  And I don't want to feel that way.  As much as it hurts to miss Connor, I don't want to forget him.

1 Year

1 year ago today I miscarried my first "official" pregnancy (vs. the chemical which was over before I knew).  What a difference a year can make.

This past year has been both the happiest and saddest of my life.  Johnny and I have grown so much and gone through more than either of us ever expected.  We're not where we expected to be... but in some ways it is so much better and, in others, it's so much worse. 

I can only wonder where the next year will take us.  The next year will tell us when Colby will come home, when we will jump back into IF, when we will expect to make Colby a big brother... I have a feeling that, from now on, all the years we pass will be "big" ones.