Wednesday, August 26

Whys

Yesterday was another milestone... and I didn't even realize.  

Yesterday marked 1 month to the day since we said goodbye to Connor at the service.

Things are definitely getting easier.  I can talk about him in passing without tears.   I can mention things we did for him, plans we had, all that.  But when I'm alone it still hurts.  I'm still in that surreal period I talked about before.  I still can't believe I lost him.  I'll be driving down the street and just be dumbfounded that he's gone.  He was here... but now he's not.  And I think all the time... why him?  I know he was sick... but he was big and he was 27 weeks, not 24 weeks.  Other 27 weekers survive... so why not him?

When we were trying and we had failed cycles or the miscarriage I could rationalize (while it still hurt) that we weren't pregnant because the eggs sucked or something wasn't just right.  Things wouldn't work so they weren't able to.  However, Connor was perfect.  He had an amazing heartbeat, he would kick and squirm with the best of them, he was almost 3 pounds.  He was absolutely perfect.  So I'm really having a hard time understanding... why him?  And I know I'm not going to find a reason besides "That's the way it happens..." but I am having a hard time accepting it.

Due to their sudden arrival we didn't have the video camera or our camera for the delivery or the 2 days after.  My dad took pictures of the boys, but I have zero pictures or videos I took of them those first days.  And I regret it so much that I don't have videos from those first few moments and days.  What I wouldn't give to have a video of Colby and Connor to show Colby when he's bigger... or for me to watch when things aren't going well.  But did anyone expect it to happen how it did?  I know I didn't expect to be where I am.  


A little random...
In some weird way, Connor both began and ended at the Olive Garden.  I was thinking about this a few days ago... the day we found out we were pregnant we at at the Olive Garden (back in Feb) for my dad's birthday.  It was 2 days before IVF test day but we couldn't wait.  :)  I literally heaved a sigh of relief when the two lines appeared.  I wasn't sure if I could go through the IVF stuff again soon.  
The day we said goodbye to Connor we were all back at the Olive Garden for dinner.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I hope this isn't insensitive but you're right...most 27 weekers make it and especially almost 3lb ones. What was his cause of death? Infection? Brain bleed? I'm a preemie mom and micro-preemie mom so my heart breaks for you. So sorry for your sweet son....

Ashley said...

((HUGS))

Jen said...

Stace,

Please know my heart and prayers continue to be with you and your family!!!

Hugs!!!

Nikki said...

Hey Stace, I dunno if it helps but Dad has a video of Connor from the day he was born. I think it's only 30 seconds long, but if you want it, I can see if Jeff'll email it to you.

Michele said...

sending big hugs and thinking of Connor with you.

Leah said...

I remember when you posted these pee sticks back in February. I was so happy for you. I've been following your journey, and I'm so happy you have beautiful Colby, but I am so sad for you that you lost beautiful Connor. It isn't fair. It just downright sucks, and I'm so sorry for you. :-(

I hope you are able to have some comfort in the fact that you did everything you could for your little boy. You were a great mama when they were in your tummy, and you continue to be one.

Thinking of you.

littlebitofsomething said...

just thinking of you.

Heather Mohr said...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Connor. I wish none of us moms never had to lose a child...