Sunday, August 16

Four weeks...

4 weeks ago today the babies came into our lives... very unexpectedly, but very happily.  I've been working on the birth story though you all have the gist already.  I'm just trying to make sure I don't miss anything.  So, though I wrote it 2 weeks ago, it's not ready to go yet.

As I type this it is 11:58am.  Exactly 4 weeks ago Colby was born.  4 weeks and 2 minutes ago his big brother Connor preceded him.  It's all a fuzzy but distinct memory.  I know that doesn't make sense.  I felt like I was in a daze the whole time, but I very distinctly remember lots of smaller details.  Okay... that doesn't make sense either.  It's also very bittersweet.  That'll all come in the birth story... Colby might be 4 by the time it's ready to go... 

I feel like I've said it 52,000,000 times already but I cannot believe that time has gone so fast.  My baby is 4 weeks old.  He is officially 3lbs.  His is doing great (knocking vigorously on wood) in the NICU.  He is happy.  His is mine.  (And I guess a little bit Johnny's...)  He's perfect.  He's exactly what we wanted, but nothing has happened how we hoped or expected.  While that thought can make me a little sad, I try not to let it bother me.  There are NICU stories framed and hanging in the hall outside the NICU.  There is one in particular that talks about how coming so early and staying in the NICU has actually made life better for this particular family.  I'm hoping we can say the same thing when this is all behind us.  Colby-- and Johnny and I-- will be better and stronger because of this terrifying, unexpected, yet amazing experience.

Things are still pretty much the same with the little guys.  I miss Connor and can't believe that Tuesday will be 4 weeks to that fateful day.  I wish Colby could come home.  I feel like I'm missing everything.  I can't believe how things happened.  I still feel gypped out of the pregnancy and "normalcy".  I still have all the same questions and what ifs.

However, some things have changed.  I really think that Colby is going to be coming home in October.  I'm no longer worried that things cold go really wrong.  It's not really "if" anymore... instead it's "when".  While I still miss Connor terribly I cry over him less lately.  It's still hard believing but I do think that things happen for a reason.  I will never completely understand the reason he was taken from us, but I have to believe that it happened because we are strong enough to find a reason, accept it, and move on.  

I've never been very religious.  So, while I've always believed in God and good and things like that, I had no religious foundation.  I wouldn't say I was spiritual instead.  I just believed in goodness.  And I never really thought about it much.  But Johnny and I had a discussion about heaven the other day.  We both have been thinking about it on our own a lot since Connor's passing.  I have to believe that there is a place for him.  He wasn't conceived after so many tears and so much stress and pain only to be taken from us.  There has to be a reason.  And I have to think that he's up there (or wherever it is) watching and waiting for us and helping Colby.  There's just really no other way for me to accept this without thinking that.  I have to think that he's safe, happy, and better off.  

Johnny mentioned at the service that we aren't the same Johnny and Stacey we were before.  I can't believe how true it is.  We are completely different people with different views and values and priorities.  But that's okay because that's who we need to be for Colby.  And as we all know... he's number one.  Oh... and he's cute to boot!  :)

Oh... and I forgot to mention.  I'm going back to work in 2 weeks.  Yup.  But for good reason.  I'm going to work til Colby is discharged and then I get to start leave!!  This tacks an extra month and a half on to my leave so I'll hopefully be off from October to February or March!!  :)  It sucks and I'm not really looking forward to it, but it's worth it for the time!  


Ashley said...

Stace, Colby is so adorable!! I'm so glad you can start your leave when he comes HOME!!!! That will be an AMAZING day:) ((HUGS))

Jen said...

Stacy V's sister in law here again. I've had this story in my mind for you for a long time but I didn't want to share it until it was the right time--and it seems like it could be.

I wish I could remember where the original story came from (and if I figure it out I'll definitely share) but I had a friend who lost one of her twin babes about 10 years ago. Another friend shared the most beautiful story about a set of twins who came to this world together. Just one was destined to stay. In the story the one that stayed couldn't make the journey alone--he needed his brother to be with him in utero, to be with him for his birth, to give him the courage and strength and ability to come into this life--he couldn't do it alone--his brother came only to hold his hand on the journey and then to go on with his destiny elsewhere...

I'm sure I'm not doing the story justice but the concept is there and I thought it was such a beautiful way to think about it--it resonated with my mama friend and it resonated with me...maybe it does with you--and maybe it doesn't--take it or leave it as you may :0)

Still thinking of you all,

Michele said...

Our faith has gotten stronger since the children died and I think you hit the nail on the head. What was once a very abstract thought of heaven became concrete. We know that death is just another part of life and that they are now living a new life in a new way, still here in so many ways, but physically taken from us. It is that belief that helps dry the tears and that gets us through the days. And you are right... We are not the same people we were before... I dont think those people exist anymore.

3 pounds! That is great news! Keep growing Colby!!!

Shinejil said...

Colby is such a little sweetie.

There's an old Chinese story about a farmer to whom all sorts of crap happens (son breaks his leg and can't work, fields flood, etc) but his reply is always "Who knows what's good or bad?" Even the worst possible outcome can lead to great good in the world. So who knows what great goodness Connor will work through you, your family, and Colby?

You're amazing! Going back to work! I hope it's distracting and not too stressful and that the "when" of Colby's homecoming is sooner rather than later.

Leah said...

Thinking of you and your family. It's so hard to find a reason in things like this. That's for sure.

I hope Colby continues to get bigger and stronger every day. :-D