Tuesday, August 4

2 weeks little boy

It's been two week since we lost Connor and I cannot fathom how time has gone so quickly.  I miss the little guy so much that it hurts.  Every stupid thing reminds me of him.  Every stupid thing reminds me that I don't have him.  And I'm sorry... it sounds horrible... but I am so sick of the other baby in the room with Colby taking Connor's space.  That's Connor's and it shouldn't be filled by anyone else.  I promise you I want that baby to be safe and healthy and happy... just not in Connor's spot.  It's starting to hurt more and more to walk into that room and see him there and not my little guy.

And I'm so jealous of all the other twins in the NICU.  I know I should be happy that they're getting a chance at life... and I really am.  But seeing them reminds me that my happiness was cut short.  I don't want anyone to feel the pain we're going through... but I don't want to have to feel it either.  And I'm so scared about what I'll tell Colby when he's bigger about his brother.  He should get to play with his brother... not know of him through pictures and ashes and Mommy and Daddy's tears.

Colby is still doing pretty well.  He's showing signs of Chronic Lung Disease-- something common in Premies his age, but something we were hoping to avoid.  He can be very lazy when it comes to breathing so his O2 saturation drifts and he rides the vent.  It's so nerve wracking.  I just want him to get better so I can take him home.  I can't wait til that day he's off the vent for good.  That he can stay on the CPAP and not have to transfer back.   It's starting to dawn on me how much I'm missing with him being in here... how many diaper changes and feedings and little things like that.  It breaks my heart.  I know it's where he needs to be, but it's like I'm a mom... but at the same time I'm not.    I want to wait up at 5am to feed him, not to turn on a stupid pump.

We moved into our new place over the weekend.  Just another reminder that things aren't how they were supposed to be.  Colby's room was supposed to be the twin's room.  This was emphasized by everything labeled "TWINS ROOM".  My parents bought the crib for us this weekend.  We were supposed to be getting 2.  Not just one.  And I have to redo the registry... everything is twins and doubles.   And we have that pesky already-built double stroller.  I can't get rid of it... but it was supposed to be for the boys.

I started going through his clothing and most everything we have comes in 2's.  What do I do with the second of everything??  In all practicality I know that I should give them away-- they're perfectly good and Connor never wore them, so I have no sentimental attachment that way.  But I can't bear the thought of getting rid of them.  They were all bought for the boys.  Not just for Colby.

When we met with the social worker last week she cautioned us that we would probably face a lot of awkward questions.  How many children do you have?  (1 or 2)  How are they doing?  It's come up quite a few times for us already.  We don't want to forget about Connor, but how many people want to get into the awkward conversation with us?  I almost feel bad dragging them in... the Babies R Us lady and the lawyer included.

We got Connor's ashes last week.  He's resting in our bedroom right now right next to his photos.  It's nice to have him home.  But again... a reminder of how it was supposed to be.  He should be in a bassinet (cardboard box maybe?), not in a tiny heart-box.  

Maybe it's weird, but I feel like by losing Connor I've let not just my dreams die, but everyone else's too.  Everyone was so excited we were having twins.  Everyone couldn't wait.  But now Connor's gone and Colby's fighting away... it's not the beginning anyone planned.  But then again... none of this has gone the way we hoped or planned.  And I feel like everyone is always going to look at us as "those people".  The broken people you have to tiptoe around.  The people who won't ever be the same.  The people who are fragile that you have to constantly watch out for.

In one last note, sorry for not checking in to other blogs as much as I usually do.  We've been without internet and, really, every free moment is usually spent with Colby or trying to get my thoughts out here.  I'll catch up... promise.  :)


Ashley said...

Stace, don't you dare worry about other people's blogs right now!! You spend every minute you have loving on Colby. You and your family are always in my thoughts and prayers!! ((HUGS))

Sarah said...

I am so sorry Stacey. I wish I could do something, anything to help you guys out.

All I can do is send my love and hugs through here.

ashley said...

I am so sorry for your pain. Don't worry about other blogs, we know you're still out there and are thinking of you!

Infertility is Hard said...

I'm so sorry for your pain. I can't even imagine it.

I pray that Colby continues to get stronger everyday.

Michele said...

We dealt with a lot of these feelings after Nick died and while we were still holding on to Sophia. When we lost her as well, it felt like the entire world caved in around us, but there was also a peaceful feeling that they were together again. I know that must sound odd.

I know the pain is crushing. Connor will always live on inside of you and inside of Colby. I wish that things were different and you had both your boys with you.

Sending hugs...

Shinejil said...

Oh, honey, your sorrow brings tears to my eyes. I think everything you're describing sounds completely normal: the anger at Connor's absence in the nursery, the frustration at not getting to hands-on parent yet, the grief that all the twins stuff represents.

Is it possible to ask a family member to deal with double stroller? Or maybe you need to keep it for a while (even if you buy something else to use to avoid questions). There's nothing wrong with holding on for as long as your heart needs to.

Sending tons of love to you and your family and especially Colby, with hopes that he's making huge strides homeward very, very soon.

Heather said...

Oh Stacey,

I know your feelings of longing and feeling cheated. I wish I could make things different, for both of us. I have you in my thoughts, I am here for you if you need me.


Jenn said...

Hugs, just hugs.