Saturday, August 22

Jealousy and other incoherent ramblings

I have a confession to make.  

I am a jealous person.

I've always been a bit jealous.  I've been jealous of friends for grades they received, trips they'd been on, opportunities they were given.  However... though I'm not sure that this makes it better... I've never wished ill-will on the people I'm jealous of.  I have never thought "She doesn't deserve that-- it should be me!"  Instead my thoughts were more along the lines of "She's so lucky!  I wish I could have that too!"

So, my jealousy presented itself many times over the past few years.  When we were doing infertility I was jealous of anyone who was pregnant.  Friends, relatives... strangers in the store.  You name it.  I wished and longed for what they had.  But again, I never wished our pain on anyone and I never wished that the people I saw wouldn't be pregnant.  Instead I just wanted it too.

When we got pregnant and it stuck, of course some of that jealousy went away.  I had what I wanted... but then I was jealous of people who got pregnant easily.  Again... I didn't wish it had taken them a long time, needles, pain, and heartache to get pregnant... instead I just wished it hadn't taken us so long.

Then there was bedrest.  I was jealous of all the pregnant people who blissfully sailed through their pregnancies without complications or scares.  I'll say it one more time... I didn't wish my misfortune on them.  I just didn't want to experience it.

So, naturally, when I had the babies at 27 weeks I was jealous of everyone at 28 weeks, 29 weeks, 30 weeks... etc.  I was jealous of everyone bringing their full-term babies home.  I was jealous of everyone "near the door" of the NICU.  I wanted to carry my babies to term.  I wanted to keep them safe.  I wanted what I thought I would have.  

Then... we lost Connor and I was jealous of all the twins in and out of the NICU.  I was jealous of everyone who didn't know the pain we were going through.  

So, while I've known I was jealous I realized just how much so I was today.  Today we went out with some of our best friends.  Amazing, amazing people.  We love them to death.  They are expecting baby #1 in November after only a few months of trying.  When they first got pregnant and told us in April, while I was already pregnant with the twins, I was jealous that it happened so fast for them.  That must be nice I thought.  So today I saw them for the first time after having the twins and losing Connor (besides the funeral because they are AMAZING people and were there for every minute).  Again, I reiterate that they are the best people in the world.  But she is 6 months pregnant and blissfully unaware of the pain that is possible.  

And I was so jealous it hurt.  

The couple was bantering back and forth about the nursery and clothes and circumcision.  But it didn't matter because they have three months.  They have time.  

She was talking about the baby and how he/she kicks all the time.  She wasn't complaining in the slightest, but I was so jealous.  I miss that feeling more than I could ever possibly explain.  I mentioned in my words at Connor's funeral that the feeling of the boys kicking was one of the few things that could make me smile.  

She was asking me about the glucose test and I got jealous.  I wanted to be able to keep my babies safe.

The point of all this?  The jealousy post-pregnancy for me is way more painful than the jealousy I had before getting pregnant.  When we were only trying, I was jealous of what I wanted but had never had.  Now that I've been pregnant, had the babies so early, and lost Connor I'm jealous of what I had and now miss.  The innocence, the peace, the security.  

And of course there are people reading this I'm sure who are jealous of me.  People jealous that IVF worked the first time.  People who are jealous that I have even one baby living.  And my heart breaks for you.  There are a few people in particular who comment on my blog that have been through so much pain and heartache of their own that I can't even fathom how they are still functioning.  You-- and some of you know who you are-- are some of the strongest people I have ever known.   

After all this ranting you might think I would go back and change things if I could.  You might think I would go back to before 23 weeks and change the result of the ultrasound or back to 27 weeks and stop labor.  But you know what?  I don't think I would.  I am a firm believer that everything happens because of the way things happened before.  Even changing one small thing can alter the course of all else.  

So, while it might be wonderful to go back to 23 weeks and make my cervix longer who knows what would have happened?  Maybe I would have gone back to school the next day and fallen.  Or maybe a car accident was waiting for me.  Who knows.

Maybe I could have stopped labor at 27 weeks if I went back in time, but who knows what would have happened?  Maybe my infection would have gotten worse and made both Connor and Colby sick.  I might have lost both babies.  Maybe I could have gotten sicker.  

There are no guarantees.  Instead I have to deal with the cards I have drawn and find a way to move on with life.  I am so thankful of where I am, who has stood beside me, and my NICU trooper and my angel baby.

But feeling this way doesn't stop the longing for Connor or the stop the jealousy.  I am SO happy for other people getting their dreams and having their babies.  SO HAPPY.  I just wish that my journey was a little different.   No one should feel this kind of pain.

And it is for this reason-- my incoherent jealousy I'm working through, the time we spend at the hospital, and getting ready for the school year that I have been so bad at reading blogs (sometimes I just can't) and commenting, but I am still rooting for each and every one of you.  Even if I'm a little jealous at times.  :)

And something that eases my pain.


Shinejil said...

I know the green beast well, as you know. :) I feel for you, deeply. I know there's nothing that we can really do or say to banish the jealousy, but I hope, once you get through this very, very difficult time, the joy begins to overwhelm the jealousy and your heart gets some relief.

Meanwhile, just know I'm sending you a huge hug.

Michele said...

That is a green eyed monster I know very well... I just repeat to myself that I dont know another's past or their future... I can only accept my journey and live it one day at a time. The jealousy doesnt go away but I just cant focus on it or it eats me alive.

Leah said...

I love your honesty. Jealousy is natural, and it's like you said, it's not that you wished harm on them, you just wish you could have something that they had. Very natural.

I've had to deal with jealousy a lot during this journey, and it never gets easier. Someday I hope.

Your baby boy is beautiful and he's getting so big. I hope he continues to thrive. :-D