Monday, April 13
Post 3 for the day... Child care
Want to immediately freak me out? I mean completely freak me out??
Start talking about childcare arrangements for after maternity leave. I dare you. It's not stressful because I think I should have all the answers. It's just stressful because I don't want to have to THINK about child care. I want to take care of my babies. I want to be the one home with them every day. I don't want to be leaving them with anyone all day while I'm off at school. I want to be home.
Now, we're buying a house, so this probably isn't all that practical. We need my income and part of me totally gets that. But on the other hand I'm just so sad when I think about leaving the babies after just a few weeks. It's absolutely tearing me up inside. I know we can find people willing to take a day or two of care, but I don't want to shuttle the babies off to 5 different people a week. I want consistency (ME!) and why should they get to spend the whole week with the babies I have worked so hard for and waited so long for while I'm at school? Just typing this is making me sad. And the prospect of dropping the babies off at ungodly hours so I can get to school on time isn't fun either.
I know there are no easy answers. Johnny keeps reminding me that I have summers and vacations off. And I know that's true... but having some time doesn't replace the time that I'd be missing. I don't want to miss milestones. I want to be there. I have wanted to be a mom for longer than I have wanted anything else in my life. I don't want to miss anything. But I feel like I have no choice. Could we make it without me out there? More than likely. Would we have to cut back on everything? Absolutely. But I just don't know what to do.
My mom is a nurse and I've been contemplating taking a class to become a CNA. Do I want to be a CNA? Nooo. And the pay is pretty crappy too, but jobs are there and I could work night hours. Then there would be the prospect of no sleep, but also the prospect of being home every day while Johnny is home at night.
I wish I could just win the lottery.