75 Days

As we get closer to bringing Colby home (oh, did I forget to mention that Colby is a SUPERSTAR?  Last night he was 7lbs, he hasn't bradied in almost 5 days, and he took a full bottle from Daddy..) some days are getting harder and harder.

As I said before, it's so easy to be matter-of-fact about Connor.  I can tell people we're okay.  That we're living for Colby.  That things have happened this way because it was meant to be.  Yadda yadda yadda.

But when I'm alone with my thoughts, I can't be matter-of-fact.  That hole is ripping again right now.  In the hospital I watch Colby so alert.  I watch him with his daddy.  I hold him and stare at his face.  And I am SO. IN. LOVE.  But then I remember... I'm in love times two.  I have another baby that should be there.  I should be holding Connor while Daddy is holding Colby. 

As we think about art work and photos for the walls of the house, immediately I think of putting up pictures of Colby.  We have so many cute ones to use!!  But then I immediately know I need one of Connor as well.  But, what can we use?  Our pictures of him show him covered in wires.. I just want to remember him as a sweet little boy. 

I'm going through the clothes in the bedroom for Colby and I come across the doubles.  It hurts to give them away.  They were for Connor.  But now he doesn't need them.  And on and on... the double stroller net and the double stroller and the extra car seat and the double shopping cart cover...

At the end of all these thoughts-- that come up daily and hourly-- I get sick to my stomach.  I remember that I had this sweet little boy THRIVING in my belly.  He was PERFECT.  He was adorable.  He was the one I could hold on the monitor with the perfect heartbeat.  He was the one I could always count on huge kicks from.  But then I remember that he's gone.  Just like that he was taken from us.  And there was NOTHING we could do.  We were helpless to stand there and watch our first baby pass away right in front of us.  And it helps to know that he's always with us- we keep the ashes in the bedroom.  But that in itself makes me feel sick.  One of my babies is in the NICU being cared for by someone else most of the time.  And my other baby is stuck in a tiny silver heart because I couldn't help him.  Why couldn't I just be a normal mother to the two of them?

As much as I am SO looking forward to the day Colby comes home (I CAN'T WAIT!!!), a little piece of me is dreading it too.  I am so scared to come home without Connor.  I don't know if it will be bittersweet, if I'm be too distracted to dwell on it, or if I will be a downright mess.

I wish so badly he were here with us.  Somedays it hurts more than I thought possible.  It gets easier with each day.  But in some ways, it gets so much harder.  

I'm 75 days farther away from him.