Spirals

In education the big thing is to spiral your curriculum.  You learn something, learn something else, then spiral back and review the first thing you learned.  Basically you just keep learning and going back to review.  Makes sense and works.

I've been thinking lately how dealing with Connor is like a spiral.  

Some days I'm okay-er with it.  Not okay, by accepting it.  On these days I think that it happened for a reason, that things are better for him this way.  This is actually how I felt those first few days.  It happened because it had to, there was nothing I could do, and we could move on accepting this.  These are the days I feel like our life can move on.  That bringing just Colby home will be okay.  These are the days that looking at my Connor shrine doesn't break my heart.

Then there are the days that I can't accept it at all.  Those are the days I have to count just to get through.  These are the days I lash out at everything and everyone.  These are the days that I just want to curl up.  These are the days that I feel like no one really understands (and for good reason, I suppose).  These are the days I sleep with Connor's turtle and stare at pictures on the computer.  These are the days that hurt the most and the days that I really can't believe that we have gone through this.

The thought of losing him crashes into me like a ton of bricks most days.  I'll be completely fine thinking about nothing even remotely related and then I realize. . . I lost my son.  I had two sons just a few weeks ago and now one is gone.  Then the thoughts of all our plans come crashing back.  The trips and baseball games and his room.  Then the pain comes back and the thoughts of that horrible morning.  

It's so hard because there's never any telling which part of the spiral I will be on. 

But I kind of like being on the non-accepting part more because then I don't feel like I'm losing his memory.  It's alive in my head- even if it hurts.