Sunday, September 13

Any other way...

I've always been one to say "I wouldn't have it any other way."

It was hard dealing with not getting pregnant, but it taught us so much, brought us closer, and made us appreciate the small thing.  I wouldn't have it any other way.

The miscarriage was hard, but it helped bring me closer to my parents, helped me not take things for granted and helped me see who I could really count on.   I wouldn't have it any other way.

IVF wasn't the most fun thing, but it brought us the boys.   I wouldn't have it any other way.

Bed rest was unexpected, but it bought the babies more time.  It helped keep them healthy.   I wouldn't have it any other way.

Being born at 27w1d wasn't ideal for the boys, but they had to come out to have a chance.  I miss having them inside me, but we needed what was best for them.   I wouldn't have it any other way.

Despite feeling like this, I cannot say that I wouldn't have these 8 weeks any other way.  Don't get me wrong-- Colby is amazing and enough of a reason to function.  But if I had my choice...  I would still take the NICU and fear and stress if only the other way could include Connor.  I miss him terribly.  Holding Colby at the end of the day is my highlight.  It gets me through... but as I'm holding him and Leo's mom is happily chatting away behind the curtain, I can't help but think that I should be getting ready to go hold Connor.  Or Daddy should be over on the other side of the room cuddling his other baby boy.  

Colby is enough, but there is still that hole.  Almost 8 weeks later the edges of that hole are softening a little, but it's still there and it still hurts.


Carrie said...

I wish the other way for you too and that the hole was never dug. Connor will always be missed. I'm still praying for you and your family!

Ashley said...


Carrie said...

I so wish Connor was still in your arms, but he is close in your heart. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Thinking of you.