The waiting continues... and I hate to wait

And so, my levels went down.  Or at least they're going down.  I go again next Tuesday for more blood tests to make sure that they're zero-ing.  I'll start my next Clo.mid cycle with Day 1.  At the earliest that will be late March.  Most likely I will have to start again with Provera for 10ish days.  That will push actually starting Clo.mid to early April.  And therefore, finding out about pregnancy for late April/early May.  And there we have it... a few more months of more waiting. 

Waiting sucks.

But it will be worth it- I'm sure of it.

Oh, and I was really pregnant.  A chemical pregnancy as they called it.  And it most likely did implant due to the pain I had the other day.  So there we have it.  Do we tally this as a miscarriage?  Because I thought it would feel different... and I'd feel different.   Sometimes I even surprise myself.

And we wait... and learn

Tomorrow AM I go in for my blood tests.  I really have no idea what will happen... I'm so curious.  I'm anxious too.  I would like them to say "Oh, you are pregnant!  Congrats!"  But at the same time- like Johnny said- I would be nervous that something would be wrong just because of the oddity of the beginning.  And, really, I don't need more panic and nervousness for my first pregnancy.  So, I guess I just want it to all be a fluke.  And from there, I want to start the next cycle ASAP.  :)

I'll keep posted!

Twists and Turns

Obviously on Wednesday I was told that I wasn't pregnant.  What they didn't tell me was that my hCG level was 2.8.  I'm not sure entirely what that means... but lower than 2 is considered not pregnant.  And they just rounded down to say that I wasn't pregnant.  Okay.  No big deal.  

Enter Saturday- Day 1.  I was in a ridiculous amount of pain- so much that I actually had to *gasp* take meds and use a hot water bottle.  I have NEVER had to do that before.  Well the water bottle... the meds a little.  But just because I'm wimpy.  I was NOT being wimpy on Saturday.  So anyways, I asked the Drs. that I be able to go in for my u/s and blood on Day 2 (Sunday) to make life easier for myself on Monday- the first day of Work to Rule craziness.  So... moving on.

Sunday morning (today actually!) I went to RSC with Johnny at 9:30 for blood and u/s.   My u/s wasn't technically scheduled until 11:15am, but we were out of there by 10am- they took us early.  :)  So, the blood SUCKED.  The lady only poked me one time, but she did it in the most painful way ever.  I think she went in sideways, but Johnny claims she didn't.  I swear, a fraction of an inch more and the needle would have been out of my arm.  But I digress.  Blood went fine and the u/s went fine.  The u/s nurse didn't narrate or anything, but she didn't seem nervous or anything, so I guess it all went well.

This afternoon at around 12:30pm Chris from RSC called (though my phone was still silenced from RSC, so I didn't get to it until 2pm-ish) and left me a l-o-n-g complicated message.  She said that on Wednesday my hCG (hGC?) was at 2.8*.  (* because I don't know the measurement)  She said that a - pregnancy test is reserved for less than 2, and a "strong" + is reserved for 100 or above.  I guess the 3-99 is for advancing pregnancies?  Anyways, Wed. I was a 2.8 (almost a negative) and yet today for some reason I was at 8.8.  In 4 days I had gained 6-whatevers although I wasn't pregnant.  Or so they though.  This being said, they still don't know exactly what is going on or went on... but I can't start meds.  And I go back to RSC for blood on Tuesday.

I guess she said the levels may suggest a few things... a chemical pregnancy (very early miscarriage), maybe some kind of weird pregnancy, or an ectopic pregnancy (though she said this would be VERY unlikely with the numbers).  But this brings me back to my severe pain on Saturday- does that tell us anything??

But thinking about it... if it was a miscarriage or something like that... I'm so glad they told me I wasn't pregnant on Wednesday.  SO GLAD.  It hurt and it sucked and I had convinced myself I was pregnant (because, well, I may have been!), but I got over the sadness of it pretty quickly.  :)  I cried for 10 minutes and then I was myself again- ready to face the next round of treatment.  If I had thought- even just for a few days- that I was REALLY officially pregnant, and then started my period on Saturday I would have been DEVASTATED.  There's just no way around it.     But alas, I'm okay and just a bit curious about what on earth is going on in my crazy body.

And I leave myself with a question- according to online hCG research, levels increase so much in the first days that you can have a positive pregnancy test 3-5 days before your period.  And then the levels just increase from there.  Why were my levels so low 3 days before my period, but then continued to INCREASE as my period went on??  Let's see how things go on Tuesday.  

But this does give Johnny and I hope.  Even if the pregnancy was a miscarriage or something didn't quite work, we know a few things.  1) I dropped an egg!!  2) It was fertilized somehow.  So now I'm just left to hope some more.  :)

And back to school tomorrow!  :)

Heartbreak and moving on...

It's now Wednesday afternoon.  I went to the doctors this AM to give blood for the pregnancy test.  I've been waiting near the phone, just passing the time all afternoon to get to the call.

We just got the heartbreaking results- negative.  I was trying to be really cautious... optimistic, but not relying on positive results.  But it hit me really hard.  I don't know how people can stand going through this time and time again unless it gets a little easier each time.  

I had kind of convinced myself toward the end that I was pregnant.... but alas I'm not.  So after a little cry (and Johnny being awesome for once), I'm moving on.  We'll start the next round of treatment with Day 1.  Hopefully this time things work in our favor.  I know that eventually things will work, but it's hard when they don't.  Especially when it's so hard to see the reason.  But I believe it will all work out.  Probably for the best... I can't just sit around waiting for it, I have to take control.  :)  

And I have to stop watching baby shows.  All of this "We decided on Friday to have a baby and on Saturday we were pregnant with twins!" just isn't working for me anymore... :)

I think the hardest part for me isn't the not getting pregnant part... it's knowing that each month pushes us behind and makes it harder for us to have four kids.  I'm just praying that we don't have to delve so deeply into this (financially and time-wise) that it makes it difficult to have the four kids that we want.  All I can think sometimes is "Why can't this be easy?"... but then I remember that all things work out in the end.  :)  And happen for a reason...

So we wait...

...

Have I mentioned I'm terrified as well??

Ahhh

Tomorrow!  Tomorrow!  Tomorrow!!  But who is keeping track??

Four days to go...

But who's counting...?

;)

Sitting, waiting...

It's strange how infertility makes life so much about waiting.  

I consider myself pretty proactive... I try to get things done when they need to be done.  I don't usually stop until things are done.  However, infertility isn't like that.  Or at least not in the same way.  It's blood test... wait.  U/S... wait.  Usually it's only a few days so it's not so bad.  You feel like you're getting things done.  However, this last week has been TORTURE.  Waiting for the past week has been no fun.  I still have another whole week to wait.  I can't wait... and I feel myself getting so excited, anxious, jittery... everything.  I just hope and pray and wish and cross my fingers that it will be positive.  I know that I don't want to have to go through this whole things again... it takes well over 1 month just for one cycle.  

Sooo I continue to wait.  :)

Moving on...

We took the ovi.drel (I still have a nice little bruise from it 5 days later-- I took it Tuesday).  Now I'm taking the progesterone and we just wait until the 20th... I'm so nervous and excited at the same time.  I  *hope* *hope* *hope* it works.... AHH.  So, crossing fingers and just hoping to get through the next week and  a half without getting my period.  :)  Nervous to the maxissimo.

I see a light!!

Today was blood again.  Just blood.  They poked me two times and bruised my right arm.  Oh well.  :)

I get to take the Ovi.drel tonight!  Woohoo... pregnancy test on the 20th.  So excited!!

Monday- Day 23

The doctors and me are friends.

Went to the doctors again for blood and u/s.  Blood went okay- first time this time.  :)  The u/s was okay.  It was the doctors I don't really like... just because she doesn't talk much or doesn't seem as bubbly.  :)  Anyways, I had 0 on my left > than 10mm.  I had 1 on my right > 10mm.  It was at about 16mm (after being at 12.5mm on Saturday).  I'm going back tomorrow for just blood in the AM.  *crossing my fingers I can take the trigger shot tomorrow*

And again...

Back to RSC on Monday for bloodwork and u/s.

Saturday... Day 21

Back to the doctors today.  As usual the had to poke me 2 times to get blood.  Left arm = nothing and then tried again in the right arm.  The first nurse chickened out after she couldn't get it the first time.  So she called another one over.  Much better.  :)

The u/s was cool.  The nurse I had was awesome- so nice and she talked so it wasn't awkward.  Anyways, on the left- after 3 days on 100mg of clo.mid- she counting around 30 follicles under 10mm on my left!  I can't figure if that's good or not- it may be too many.  On the right she counted 32 follicles under 10mm and 1 follicle over 10mm.  (12.5mm)  She said it looked good- I guess I really responded to the 100mg of clo.mid!  I'll get the call tonight with instructions, but I'm sure that I'll have to go back in a few days to see if that 12.5mm follicle has increased in size.  I'll update after I get the call.  :)

Crossing those fingers!

We have an u/s and bloodwork at 8am tomorrow morning.  We're crossing our fingers that the clo.mid worked this time around.  I took 100mg for the past three days.  (Wed-Fri)  So now we'll see if it helped.  I'm hoping!  It would be great if this whole thing was easy... or at least as easy as it can be at this point.  :)  So... wishing and hoping continue!