Friday, March 8

Welcome back, Hunter

The little man and I were ready to BREAK OUT today.
I've been here 4 days, he's been here 4 days.
He's been in my room since Wednesday.
He's been doing great.
I miss my kiddos at home in a BIG way.

We were just ready.

But then little man, aka Hunter, decides that he doesn't want to anymore.

Instead, he goes to take his carseat test in his lovely purple carseat (remnant of the girls, but I wasn't buying a new 4 lb carseat!)

And I get a call a little while later telling me that he failed.  Seriously??  I didn't know kids actually FAILED those things.  Although he's seemed fine, he dsat-ed in the seat (his O2 dropped) once.  Then thinking it was a fluke they decided to try again, but this time he dsat-ed again- this time an "I'll turn blue" dsat.

All that won him was a big ole failure and a one way trip back upstairs to the NICU.  Where he must stay for at least 5 days because we have a 5-day rule around here about dsats and bradies.

Then last night he decided it would be fun to let his heart rate drift too.

Sigh.  Big ole Sigh.

I was devastated when they called because I just wanted it to work so badly and for once it did, but now I'm in a much more normal place.  It stinks, but it is what it is and if I have to choose between having him home & exclusively breastfeeding, but having him dsat and struggle OR have him here and give up my control, of course I'm going to do that.

But this whole birth has been a trying experience.  I thought with one baby & the cerclage I would get so much more time with him inside.  I was so hopeful we'd get to April 2nd, but I knew we probably wouldn't.  But I though that I would definitely get more than just an extra week from when the girls were born.  It's almost more frustrating that with the girls or the boys.  I'm kind of feeling defeated like there is no way my body can do this.

I wanted to have another child-- and I still do-- but now I'm not so sure I want to go through this all again or put another baby through it all.  It's comforting, but also not right that everyone in the NICU knows us by name, that we don't have to tell them anything when we walk in, that they can ask "How are the other 3 at home?" and say "Oh I think he looks just like Sydney when she was born"

But there you go... baby still in the NICU & me questioning the status of our future.

Just another Friday.  :)


3 comments:

Catherine W said...

Oh Stace. I am so sorry. I spent four days in hospital with R after he was born and that was ENOUGH! Because even though it was a drop in the ocean compared to the four months that we spent with J it was that I just wanted absolutely normal. To have my baby and go straight home.

Sorry that Mr. Hunter gave you such a scare at his car seat test. I hope he passes soon and you can get him back home to his sisters and brother.

Please don't feel defeated, 35 weeks is fantastic.

Jen: Proud Mom of 1 Genetic Child after 40 and 7 Adopted Miracle Blessings said...

I'm so, so sorry!!! It's not fair!!! Please try to remember that before you know it, this will be a distant memory and the important thing is that Hunter is healthy and growing strong...I'm sending hugs and prayers!!!

Ashley said...

Oh man! Thank God they do that test!!! So sorry he has to stay longer though! Praying all goes well for the next test!